Evan: Global Scholars Program Reflection

Originally posted to Evan's blog, which can be found here.

There is nothing more nerve racking than entering a new community for the first time. However, if you put this in context, joining the Global Scholars Program (GSP) at the University of Michigan should not be the large dramatic leap I describe it as at first. I was a junior entering GSP, while also feeling like a young freshman, who, because of the COVID-19 pandemic, had not truly encapsulated the college experience. In addition to that, I was navigating campus for the first time as a person living with a chronic illness, where I would need to negotiate my needs with the framings of others on campus. 

I decided to join GSP in pursuit to enlighten my knowledge and understanding of global cross-cultural contexts with the hope that I will be able to use these skills and experiences to make a global impact. What I did not expect, however, was to be welcomed into a community that met and recognized my needs. 

Before joining GSP, I had the pleasure of meeting Ashley Wiseman, who is an associate director of GSP and affiliated with Disability Culture at U-M, where you can check out our blog post collaboration here. I knew the community had to be cognizant of the accommodations and needs of Ashley as her talents and work ethic would not be stopped by ableist notions of working. 

When I entered GSP, I didn't have a clue about the dialogue components. And yes, they do include this as a main component in their brochure and marketing materials, I, as an overly ambitious sophomore, glossed over those details. Dialogue is almost like a state of being, where you are required to be attentive to those around you, while entering vulnerable places to eventually learn something more about yourself and others. The themes and messages of dialogue would, as I discovered, seep out into the entire community. 

During my time in GSP, I began infusions for my Crohn’s Disease. As I talk about in previous blog posts, I was nervous as h-e-double hockey stick (trying to keep this PG for our GSP blog readers) to experience what a new treatment would mean for my body and experience working, living, and thriving on campus. I did not expect that I would receive resounding support from the GSP community, especially the staff, to recognize the humanity behind my disability and how it would impact me. 

As I continue to write, I am recognizing that I am talking a lot about expectations, which if you have not read my Atlas of the Heart Commentary, then you should take a read here. Expectations are mysterious and often allusive when we do not call them out or clearly describe them in situations. As a person living with disabilities, and more broadly to the disability community, expectations can often be convoluted with accommodations, which are never the same things, but they do have overlap. Accommodations in GSP were met and even at times, exceeded. Even so, the social aspect of my disability was met up front. 

I recall a brief office hours appointment with Benjie to talk about “life”, which in and of itself is a loaded term. I opened the conversation with a conversation, “how do you deal with hard things in life”? Benjie was probably taken aback by the question, but most likely not surprised by the obvious meta questions I would typically pose in our conversations. 

As Benjie fashioned, he began to decode my questions and imparted that I answer the question first in order to guide our conversations. Although I have it buried in my notes, I rambled on about something academic and scholarly with the hardships I was going through. Then, I stopped. I had an unfortunate gut reaction that prompted me to shift the conversation to spotlight my disability and how I was feeling about it at the time.

I was uncomfortable to admit a simple truth: I had done very difficult things in my life as it relates to my Crohn’s Disease. I prepped for a colonoscopy at the age of 19. I did all my doctor's appointments alone at the age of 20. I juggled my entire life living with Crohn’s Disease around the COVID-19. 

Benjie met me where I was. I was in a challenging spot, negotiating my life as a person living with disabilities with that of an ableist world. I push myself beyond the capacity of many people because I am dedicated to the work I do with the work ethic to match that. However, I do not often acknowledge the toll it takes on my body.

GSP taught me something I do not think I would have learned anywhere else. I learned that meeting myself where I was with my disability was more important than trying to frame my difficulty living with my disability in spaces that aren't supporting me in the first place.

My chronic illness is part of who I am and I will not apologize for how that contributes and impacts the work I do, nor will it impact how I complete or deliver on deadlines. 

Being worthy of accepting who one is can be found at the core of GSP.  

I cannot thank the community in GSP enough for that.

If you are interested in learning more about Evan and his work, you can read Magda's article about Evan here.