my Testimony of hope

Some of the big mantras of the world are "just live in the moment" and "chase after feelings and experiences."

So why is it such a big deal? Is the world so unsatisfying that it can't fully satisfy us and give us enough joyfulness? So unsatisfying that a song needs to be made about wanting to feel?

Are we not more than robots? But sometimes we feel like it. We all have flaws that seem to hold us back; or "legs" that just break off unexpectedly like in the music video.

It can feel hopeless.

About 5 months ago, I had little to absolutely no hope for myself or for the future.

It wasn't even the worst of times life could have to offer, but I had done enough to my college education and to my family that at the time, I didn't see any kind of security or success for myself in the future. If you were to ask me now, I certainly just didn't want to see anything good for myself. I had slowly chosen to get bogged down in the daily motions of school and lose my will to try.

But about 5 months ago, after a single decision, I was given hope. I chose to give my life to Jesus.

Seemingly overnight, depression felt like a choice rather than something insurmountable, anxiety simply felt like a series of bad habits I'd built up rather than a condition, and hopelessness became strange to me as opposed to hopefulness.

How does that sound? Crazy? Well it should seem a bit surreal.

It's the story of how God saved me from myself and from the world.

John 12:46 - "I have come as Light into the world, so that no one 

who believes in Me will remain in darkness."

What is this darkness being talked about in these words of Jesus?

Well, some good adjectives to describe the world might be, but not limited to, confusing, corrupt, and chaotic. These might make the world a "dark" place easy to get lost in... Not that there isn't good in the world also of course.

But those adjectives, confusing, corrupt, and chaotic, describe us too. We're prone to being lost - and not knowing what's right or true. Not in any way where we could draw those lines and collectively decide on where to keep them.

That kind of chaos certainly described me.

I lied often - with my face, with my behavior, in school and out. I had such little integrity and truth to my conduct that I didn't know who I was. A people-pleaser who couldn't figure out any one way to act around everyone.

I was haughty and disdainful of people I found issue with, no matter how much I thought to myself that I was still fine just because I didn't do that as badly as others. It made me a bitter person despite my shyness and outward modesty.

And I was lazy and undisciplined. Seemingly too much for any sense of purpose to take firm hold.

I was attending a church here in La Jolla called 'Redeemers Grace Church'  in my Winter and
Spring quarter and the biggest blessing this church did for me, apart from freely teaching the biblical word of God, was it challenged me and encouraged me to question my beliefs. The people were kind and compassionate, yet they consistently challenged my standard of righteousness (which was of course, fairly low). And I knew they did it out of real love.

After a couple months or so, I finally gave up on my life and submitted to Jesus. This is the point of Christianity after all - acknowledging one's sinfulness with genuine sorrow and then humbly accepting Jesus as Lord and Savior. Not as some oath to be perfect for God, sworn on our own limited honor, but with heart and humility acknowledging that His promise of salvation saves if we believe Jesus gave His life for us and respond with love also.

We may think that experiences and good emotions are the key to happiness and hope. Or that it's about needing to have good circumstances which cause those good emotions. Or that it's about having dreams to make us feel fulfilled once we achieve them. That it's entirely on us whether we are happy or not.

But true hope and fulfillment is not about the external, but the internal - our heart and soul. Not about the 'Soul-music' genre, but about having a clean heart and soul which only God can clean.

He wants to give you that.

My soul was in ruin before coming to God and I didn't value it. But He has restored it and made me glad.

Matthew 16:26 - "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?"

The world is dark but I now have His goodness to look forward to every day. My purpose now is to love God and to share about it.

Feelings are great. But they are not truth and they are not knowledge. God wants better for us. It's about knowing there is goodness to Hope in and rejoicing when I find it in the way my Heavenly Father did when He found me.

Thank you for reading if you read this far. I hope this is a blessing to you and an encouragement to seek God. Whether you believe in Him or not, or if you accept Him or not, thank you so much for reading this far.

My church: Redeemers Grace Church

3219 Clairemont Mesa Blvd, San Diego 92117