Page 76 AA Big Book 4th Edition

Probably there are still some misgivings. As we look over the list of business acquaintances and friends we

have hurt, we may feel diffident about going to some of them on a spiritual basis. Let us be reassured. To

some people we need not, and probably should not emphasize the spiritual feature on our first approach.

We might prejudice them. At the moment we are trying to put our lives in order. But this is not an end in

itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. It is

seldom wise to approach an individual, who still smarts from our injustice to him, and announce that

we have gone religious. In the prize ring, this would be called leading with the chin. Why lay ourselves

open to being branded fanatics or religious bores? We may kill a future opportunity to carry a beneficial mes-

sage. But our man is sure to be impressed with a sincere desire to set right the wrong. He is going to be

more interested in a demonstration of good will than in our talk of spiritual discoveries.

We don’t use this as an excuse for shying away from the subject of God. When it will serve any good purpose, we are willing to announce our convictions with tact and common sense. The question of how to approach the man we hated will arise. It may be he has done us more harm than we have done him and, though we may have acquired a better attitude toward him, we are still not too keen about admitting our

faults. Nevertheless, with a person we dislike, we take the bit in our teeth. It is harder to go to an enemy

than to a friend, but we find it much more beneficial to us. We go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit,

confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret.

Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. Simply we tell him that we will never get

over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past. We are there to sweep off our

side of the street, realizing that nothing worth while can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to

tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. If our manner is calm, frank, and open, we will be gratified with the result.

In nine cases out of ten the unexpected happens. Sometimes the man we are calling upon admits his

own fault, so feuds of years’ standing melt away in an hour. Rarely do we fail to make satisfactory progress.

Our former enemies sometimes praise what we are doing and wish us well. Occasionally, they will offer

assistance. It should not matter, however, if someone does throw us out of his office. We have made our

demonstration, done our part. It’s water over the dam.

Most alcoholics owe money. We do not dodge our creditors. Telling them what we are trying to do, we

make no bones about our drinking; they usually know it anyway, whether we think so or not. Nor are we

afraid of disclosing our alcoholism on the theory it may cause financial harm. Approached in this way,

the most ruthless creditor will sometimes surprise us. Arranging the best deal we can we let these people

know we are sorry. Our drinking has made us slow to pay. We must lose our fear of creditors no matter

how far we have to go, for we are liable to drink if we are afraid to face them.

Perhaps we have committed a criminal offense which might land us in jail if it were known to the authorities. We may be short in our accounts and unable to make good. We have already admitted this in confidence to another person, but we are sure we would be imprisoned or lose our job if it were known. Maybe it’s only a petty offense such as padding the expense account. Most of us have done that sort of thing. Maybe we are divorced, and have remarried but haven’t kept up the alimony to number one. She is indignant about it, and has a warrant out for our arrest. That’s a common form of trouble too.

Although these reparations take innumerable forms, there are some general principles which we find guiding. Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask

that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may

be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything.

Usually, however, other people are involved. Therefore, we are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who

would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself from the alcoholic pit. A man we know had remarried. Be-

cause of resentment and drinking, he had not paid alimony to his first wife. She was furious. She went to

court and got an order for his arrest. He had commenced our way of life, had secured a position, and was getting his head above water. It would have been impressive heroics if he had walked up to the Judge and said, “Here I am.’’ We thought he ought to be willing to do that if necessary, but if he were in jail he could provide nothing for either family. We suggested he write his first wife admitting his faults and asking forgiveness. He did, and also sent a small amount of money. He told her what he would try to do in the future. He said he was perfectly willing to go to jail if she insisted. Of course she did not, and the whole situation has long since been adjusted.

Before taking drastic action which might implicate other people we secure their consent. If we have obtained permission, have consulted with others, asked God to help and the drastic step is indicated we must not shrink.

This brings to mind a story about one of our friends. While drinking, he accepted a sum of money from a

bitterly-hated business rival, giving him no receipt for it. He subsequently denied having received the money

and used the incident as a basis for discrediting the man. He thus used his own wrong-doing as a means

of destroying the reputation of another. In fact, his rival was ruined.

He felt that he had done a wrong he could not possibly make right. If he opened that old affair, he was afraid it would destroy the reputation of his partner, disgrace his family and take away his means of livelihood. What right had he to involve those dependent upon him? How could he possibly make a public statement exonerating his rival?

After consulting with his wife and partner he came to the conclusion that it was better to take those risks

than to stand before his Creator guilty of such ruinous slander. He saw that he had to place the outcome in

God’s hands or he would soon start drinking again, and all would be lost anyhow. He attended church for the

first time in many years. After the sermon, he quietly got up and made an explanation. His action met wide-

spread approval, and today he is one of the most trusted citizens of his town. This all happened years

ago.

The chances are that we have domestic troubles. Perhaps we are mixed up with women in a fashion we

wouldn’t care to have advertised. We doubt if, in this respect, alcoholics are fundamentally much worse than

other people. But drinking does complicate sex relations in the home. After a few years with an alcoholic,

a wife gets worn out, resentful and uncommunicative. How could she be anything else? The husband begins

to feel lonely, sorry for himself. He commences to look around in the night clubs, or their equivalent, for

something besides liquor. Perhaps he is having a secret and exciting affair with “the girl who under-

stands.’’ In fairness we must say that she may understand, but what are we going to do about a thing like

that? A man so involved often feels very remorseful at times, especially if he is married to a loyal and

courageous girl who has literally gone through hell for him.

Whatever the situation, we usually have to do something about it. If we are sure our wife does not know,

should we tell her? Not always, we think. If she knows in a general way that we have been wild,

should we tell her in detail? Undoubtedly we should admit our fault. She may insist on knowing all the

particulars. She will want to know who the woman is and where she is. We feel we ought to say to her that

we have no right to involve another person. We are sorry for what we have done and, God willing, it shall

not be repeated. More than that we cannot do; we have no right to go further. Though there may be

justifiable exceptions, and though we wish to lay down no rule of any sort, we have often found this the best

course to take.

Our design for living is not a one-way street. It is as good for the wife as for the husband. If we can forget, so can she. It is better, however, that one does not needlessly name a person upon whom she can vent

jealousy.

Perhaps there are some cases where the utmost frankness is demanded. No outsider can appraise such

an intimate situation. It may be that both will decide that the way of good sense and loving kindness is to

let by-gones be by-gones. Each might pray about it, having the other one’s happiness uppermost in mind.

Keep it always in sight that we are dealing with that most terrible human emotion—jealousy. Good general-

ship may decide that the problem be attacked on the flank rather than risk a face-to-face combat.

If we have no such complication, there is plenty we should do at home. Sometimes we hear an alcoholic

say that the only thing he needs to do is to keep sober. Certainly he must keep sober, for there will be no

home if he doesn’t. But he is yet a long way from making good to the wife or parents whom for years he has so shockingly treated. Passing all understanding is the patience mothers and wives have had with alcoholics. Had this not been so, many of us would have no homes today, would perhaps be dead. The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, “Don’t see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowin’?’’

Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling that

we are sorry won’t fill the bill at all. We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as

we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them. Their defects may be glaring, but the chances are that

our own actions are partly responsible. So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.

The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. Unless one’s family expresses a desire to live upon

spiritual principles we think we ought not to urge them. We should not talk incessantly to them about

spiritual matters. They will change in time. Our behavior will convince them more than our words. We must remember that ten or twenty years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone.

There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don’t worry about them if we can honestly say to

ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen—we send them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don’t delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half

way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor

wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter

how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling

of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our

fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.