Dad Jokes Galore

A word of caution. Don't end up like Gary. steer clear of Dad jokes.

Gary: How do you cheer up an octopus? Give it TEN TICKLES! Geddit?! Ten Tickles! Like tentacles, but ten tickles! Because tickles make you laugh! 

slaps head

1. Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
   They don’t have the guts.

2. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
   Nacho cheese.

3. How does a penguin build its house?
   Igloos it together.

4. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
   It was two-tired.

5. I would avoid the sushi if I were you.
   It’s a little fishy.

6. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
   Because he was outstanding in his field.

7. Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
   They’d crack each other up.

8. I don’t trust stairs.
   They’re always up to something.

9. What do you call fake spaghetti?
   An impasta.

10. How does a taco say grace?
    Lettuce pray.

11. Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
    Because they make up everything!

12. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
    An investigator.

13. Why did the coffee file a police report?
    It got mugged.

14. What do you call a pile of cats?
    A meowtain.

15. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
    He made a mint!

16. Why don’t crabs give to charity?
    Because they’re shellfish.

17. I’m on a seafood diet.
    I see food and I eat it.

18. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?
    Because it has a silent pee.

19. What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
    Nobody nose.

20. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
    Great food, no atmosphere.

21. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
    In case he got a hole in one.

22. How do you organize a space party?
    You planet.

23. Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
    Because then it would be a foot.

24. What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
    An abdominal snowman.

25. Why did the math book look sad?
    It had too many problems.

26. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrot.

27. I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
    I don’t know y.

28. Why was the baby strawberry crying?
    Because its parents were in a jam.

29. How do you make a tissue dance?
    Put a little boogie in it.

30. Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
    He was outstanding in his field.

31. Why don’t oysters donate to charity?
    Because they’re shellfish.

32. Did you hear the rumor about butter?
    Well, I’m not going to spread it!

33. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    Fsh.

34. Why can’t leopards play hide and seek?
    Because they’re always spotted.

35. What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
    A satisfactory.

36. What do you call a belt made of watches?
    A waist of time.

37. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
    He pasta-way.

38. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
    I’ll let you know.

39. How do you catch a squirrel?
    Climb a tree and act like a nut.

40. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
    She looked surprised.

41. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
    He couldn’t see himself doing it.

42. How do you make holy water?
    You boil the hell out of it.

43. What do you call a cow with two legs?
    Lean beef.

44. What do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground beef.

45. Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
    They work on so many levels.

46. What do you call a group of musical whales?
    An orca-stra.

47. Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
    Because she’ll let it go!

48. How does the moon cut his hair?
    Eclipse it.

49. Why don’t skeletons fight?
    They don’t have the guts.

50. Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
    Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.

51. Why did the computer join a band?
    It had the perfect keyboard.

52. What do you call a sleepy tree?
    A slumberjack.

53. Why did the broom start a blog?
    It wanted to sweep the internet.

54. How does a penguin build its house?
    Igloos it together.

55. Why did the tomato turn red?
    It saw the salad dressing!

56. What’s a ghost’s favorite exercise?
    Deadlifts.

57. Why don’t candles ever gossip?
    They don’t want to get burned.

58. What’s a cow’s favorite type of music?
    Moo-sic.

59. Why did the banana go to the doctor?
    It wasn’t peeling well.

60. What’s a clock’s favorite vegetable?
    Thyme.

61. Why are calendars always so popular?
    They’re full of dates.

62. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
    If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.

63. How do oceans say hello?
    They wave.

64. Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
    He was outstanding in his field.

65. What do you call a dog magician?
    A labracadabrador.

66. Why did the notebook go on vacation?
    It needed a break from taking notes.

67. What’s a baker’s favorite workout?
    Rolling with the dough.

68. Why don’t shoes ever get in trouble?
    They always toe the line.

69. Why did the plant get a job?
    It wanted to grow its roots in the community.

70. What’s a spider’s favorite hobby?
    Surfing the web.

71. How do mountains stay so calm?
    They keep their peaks cool.

72. Why don’t fish do well in school?
    They’re always in deep water.

73. What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
    Nothing—it just let out a little wine.

74. Why do trees hate tests?
    They get stumped easily.

75. Why did the picture go to jail?
    It was framed.

76. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
    A gummy bear.

77. How does the moon cut its hair?
    Eclipse it.

78. Why don’t skeletons use smartphones?
    They have no body to call.

79. Why did the cat sit on the computer?
    It wanted to keep an eye on the mouse.

80. Why are frogs so happy?
    They eat whatever bugs them.

81. Why did the coffee file a police report?
    It got mugged.

82. What do you call a snowman in July?
    A puddle.

83. Why did the mushroom go to the party?
    He was a fungi.

84. What’s a tornado’s favorite game?
    Twister.

85. Why don’t elevators ever break up?
    They’re on the same level.

86. What’s a pencil’s favorite dance?
    The lead shuffle.

87. How does a scientist freshen their breath?
    With experi-mints.

88. Why did the clock apply for a job?
    It wanted to make every second count.

89. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
    You’d think it’s R, but it’s the C!

90. Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?
    It ran out of juice.

91. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
    An investigator.

92. Why do bees have sticky hair?
    They use honeycombs.

93. How do astronauts stay in touch?
    They use space-time.

94. What do you call a fake noodle?
    An impasta.

95. Why don’t ducks tell secrets?
    They might quack under pressure.

96. What’s the best way to organize a party?
    You planet ahead.

97. Why did the math book look sad?
    It had too many problems.

98. What’s a vampire’s least favorite meal?
    Stake.

99. Why don’t ghosts use GPS?
    They know all the short haunts.

100. Why did the belt get arrested?
     It held up a pair of pants!