Why Mr. Flaggert Should Rule The School: A Case for Absolute Classroom Monarchy

In every institution, there arises a leader so profound, so indisputably powerful, that the only logical conclusion is to hand them absolute control. At Needham High School, that leader is none other than Mr. Flaggert, the enigmatic, all-knowing, khaki-wearing beacon of wisdom who haunts the far corner of the 700s. It is time we cast aside the shackles of democracy, and elect Mr. Flaggert as the supreme ruler of the school. 

For years, Mr. Flaggert has run his classroom with an Iron Dry erase marker, balancing authority with the occasional joke that only he finds amusing. His ability to command silence in under two seconds proves his natural dominance (especially during x-block, when he silences his homeroom students with the simple phrase, “hey homeroom” ). If he can control a classroom of rowdy students, imagine the efficiency he could bring to the entire school! No more wandering in the hallways, no more unauthorized snack consumption (only he can eat his protein wafer or whatever it is he eats every morning). Only pure order. 

And let's talk about his legendary glare. That piercing, soul-freezing gaze has been known to make even the toughest seniors regret their life choices. If a single raised eyebrow can silence a class, just imagine the power he could wield as our Supreme Ruler. One glance, and the entire cafeteria would instantly transform into a haven of impeccable table manners and hushed discussions about the periodic table.

Under Mr. Flaggert’s benevolent rule, students would finally experience the utopia he has always dreamed of. Homework would become law, lunch breaks would be replaced with independent study, and tardiness would be punishable by a mandatory ten-minute lecture on time management. The hallways would be renamed the learning corridors, and instead of school dances, there would be annual PowerPoint appreciation nights, where students could present their 37-slide analysis on the history of the semicolon. 

Furthermore, Mr. Flaggert has some spectacular ideas for groundbreaking and jaw dropping new inventions. His most well known and favorite, is the bibble, a bib for young children with bible verses regarding food written on it. Some others include napkin pants, because wiping your hands on napkins is overrated nowadays, and the Frankenstein onesie, which includes a patch that states “You are my creator but I am your master, obey!” With Mr. Flaggert as the Supreme Leader, the school could become an economic powerhouse by mass producing these innovations.

Under Mr. Flaggert’s rule, teachers would also be held to higher standards. There would be no more casual Fridays and every instructor would be required to dress just like our Supreme Leader: in khaki pants and a sweater every day, with glasses on their faces and three pens in their pocket at all times. Staff meetings would be replaced by weekly quizzes to test their pedagogical commitment, and those who scored below 95% would be reassigned to hallway (sorry, Learning Corridor) monitor duty until they improve. 

Mr. Flaggert’s reign would bring forth some much-needed reform:

• • • • • Mandatory Pop Quizzes: no student shall be free from the exhilarating thrill of spontaneous assessment! Who needs sleep when you can enjoy last-minute memorization? 

        • A Dress Code of Business Casual: No more saggy jeans and crop tops. Every student will don khakis and a sensible polo, ensuring maximum preparedness for adulthood. Bonus points for anyone who wears a tie, but negative points for anyone with a bow tie because they look silly. Also, extra points for anyone who wears a bibble to lunch and an adult sized Frankenstein onesie on Thursdays. 

        • Ban on Gum: Chewing gum, a long term adversary of Mr. Flaggert, shall be deemed an enemy of the state. Any student caught chewing gum will be forced to write a ten page essay on Why Mr. Flaggert Was Right All Along. 

        • An Official School Anthem: Written by Mr. Flaggert himself, the anthem would be a stirring ballad about the classics, personal responsibility, and haipoos. It must be memorized by all students and performed daily before the first period. 

        • Silent Passing Periods: Because hallway conversations are a waste of precious educational minutes. Students shall march in an orderly fashion, single file, while reflecting on their academic shortcomings. 

        • The Great Textbook Revival: No more online learning! Every subject shall return to the ancient tradition of 500 page hardcover textbooks, preferably so heavy that carrying theme builds character, arm strength, and back pain simultaneously 

While some might argue that absolute power corrupts absolutely, Mr. Flaggert has been giving judgy side eyes to students and yelling at his students for years. He’s clearly accustomed to wielding authority, so why not just make it official? Who better to lead us into this bright bibble-wearing future?

All hail Supreme Educator Flaggert! May his lesson plans be long, his lectures even longer, and his stash of red pens never run dry.