BREAKING: ‘Senioritis’ Actually Widespread Mono Outbreak, Team Finds

NEEDHAM, MA--The chronic fatigue plaguing Needham High seniors has been identified as a mononucleosis epidemic, an investigative committee reported Friday. 

Affectionately dubbed ‘senioritis’ by faculty and students alike, the exhaustion and lack of academic engagement was universally attributed to a combination of burnout and acceptance into institutions of higher education. However, concerns arose within the administration when measures taken to treat senioritis showed no effect. 

“Our phone hotels and mindfulness slideshows weren’t alleviating the condition that our seniors suffer year after year,” said Assistant Principal Mary Kay Alessi. “I urged Mr. Sicotte to put together a task force so that we could begin the process of having discussions that would open up the pathways for us to identify and raise awareness of the possibility that something other than mere senioritis was causing this affliction. If we could pinpoint where this was coming from, then we could circle back to it in the future.” 

After several months of careful review, the committee has officially determined that mononucleosis, not burnout, is the cause of senioritis. 

“We are taking immediate action to prevent the spread of the disease,” said Principal Aaron Sicotte, who led the committee. He promised that a secondary investigation would be launched to find out how the epidemic started.

Students, parents, and staff alike were stunned by the conclusions of the committee, with many taking to social media to express their dismay.

“I had no idea my senior was getting into this hanky-panky business,” an anonymous parent complained on the town Facebook page. “I mean, mono? Really? He assured me that he must have caught it from the water fountain or maybe petting Officer Rocket, and I want to believe him, but I just don’t know if I can! Any advice?”

Others quickly began pointing fingers. One parent emailed their student’s English teacher, Mr. Robert Flaggert, to suggest that the spread of mono was due to the “woke agenda” being pushed by the English curriculum.

“You know, I don’t think it’s that,” Mr. Flaggert, who notably does not teach a senior class, told The Hilltopper. 

To mitigate further infections, the administration has ordered a return to COVID-era remote learning until April recess. However, these measures may be too little too late, as neighboring towns have already begun reporting cases of mono. On Monday, a group of Wellesley parents was spotted picketing outside town hall calling for Superintendent Gutekanst to put an end to the annual Powderpuff game, which they believe was a superspreader event that brought the disease to Wellesley. They also called for Needham’s win to be revoked, saying it was “only fair” since “the mono probably gave them the edge.” 

Fortunately, Principal Sicotte is working on a solution that he describes as “the antidote.” 

“I am drafting an email to the NHS community, which should hopefully end the crisis in its entirety,” said Sicotte. “For the subject line, I’m thinking something like ‘In times of hardship, our school is stronger together.’ Ooh, that’s good. Man, am I the best or am I the best?”