Wheels or Doors: The Newsies Cast's Thoughts

The “Wheels or Doors” debate started in early March, when someone on Twitter asked which people think there are more of in the world: wheels, or doors?

I am a part of the NHS production of Newsies, and due to the combination of this famous debate that has taken the internet by storm and the five hour long rehearsal Newsies cast members were called to, I decided to interview some Newsies and ask them the ultimate question: Wheels or Doors? Here’s how it went:

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Me: I’m at Newsies, and I’m here with Siena Uyenoyama, and I’m going to ask her Wheels or Doors.

Siena: Wheels.

Me: Why?

Siena: Because if you’re sitting in the cafeteria, and then you see the wheels on the bottom of the things… wheels.

Me: Fair enough.

Siena: But also I see the doors argument because when you’re in a car, there are only four wheels, and there are like five doors if you have the one in the back.

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Me: Hi everyone, I’m with the Hilltopper and I’m going to ask everyone here: wheels or doors?

Jill: Wheels.

Me: Why?

Brian: Oh, I was originally doors, but then…

Jill: There’s wheels in… you know, cabinets, there’s wheels in those to roll them.

Me: That’s a drawer.

Evie: That is not a wheel. That’s a hinge.

Jill: But it’s technically a wheel.

Anonymous: Those are the people I don’t like, you know? It’s like, okay, if it’s a wheel, it’s a wheel, something that something rolls on, you know? You can’t be saying like, “door hinges are wheels!” No.

Me: Thank you.

Jill: But also, chairs, like, rolly chairs, they have five wheels each.

Aden: I’m gonna tell you why it’s wheels, okay? I have a very substantiated reason for why it’s wheels.

Siena: *incomprehensible*

Jill: That’s what I’m saying!

Aden: Jill, shut up.

Everyone: Woah…

Aden: Okay, so, here’s why it’s wheels. Lego is one of the world’s largest manufacturers of wheels. They make more than 300 million per year. Lego’s been around for a pretty long time. They’ve probably made more wheels, just alone.

Evie: But think of all of the hotels in Las Vegas, and all of the buildings in literally every city in the entire world. There are hundreds of thousands of millions of doors.

Aden: But think about how many bicycles there are.

Brian: Okay, so. At first I was a doors, obvi, because I was thinking doors as in like, those doors in houses, versus like, car wheels. Now that people are using the argument that something that spins on an axle is considered a wheel, now I’m like, okay, I’m now with wheels.

Kavya: But Brian, cars also have doors.

Aaron: Okay but then doesn’t that make a door hinge a wheel?

Everyone: No.

Aaron: Oh, ok.

Brian: Because that’s not an axle.

Me: Okay, this is the reason why I’m team doors. I’m team doors solely because I think wheels people are reaching and I don’t want to be that.

Brian: Oh, I think wheels people… so that’s the thing is that my heart says doors, because I don’t like siding with the violent wheels people.

Me: Thank you!

Brian: But then I feel like it is wheels. Like, unfortunately. It’s like, I’m reluctant to admit…

Siena: Don’t you think there’s more transportative vehicles than houses?

Kavya: No, no there’s not. Like 18% of people have cars. In the world.

Brian: I’m reluctant to admit that I just personally feel like it is wheels, but my heart says doors.

Siena: Yeah, but what about motorcycles and bikes?

Kavya: You think that people who don’t have cars have motorcycles?

Siena: Scooters! Scooters! Oh my god, scooters.

Me: There’s not more scooters than buildings in the world, Siena.

Siena: No there’s not, but like…

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Me: Can I interrupt here to interview for Hilltopper and just ask you if you’re team wheels or doors?

Lily O: Definitely team wheels.

Hazel: Team wheels for life!

Me: Why?

Hazel: Think about it. Just think about it. Like, wheels vs doors, what does your mind immediately go to? Wheels.

Me: My mind did not immediately go to wheels.

Lily O: I think immediately of Costco shopping carts.

Me: Why specifically Costco?

Lily O: ‘Cause that’s four wheels each, and they have so many f**king shopping carts.

Hazel: Look at all the tables in here? There’s like, four doors, but each of these tables has like, four wheels.

Me: Okay, there’s definitely a lot of cabinets in the world.

Hazel: Okay, and?

Me: Imagine your kitchen, are there more wheels or doors in your kitchen?

Hazel: …whee– but that’s just your kitchen.

Lily O: I know that there are a lot of doors, it’s not like doors are not abundant at all, like, it’s definitely a close race, but I really do think that wheels wins.

Me: Okay, thank you.

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Me: Maddie and Taylor! Can I ask you wheels or doors? For Hilltopper.

Maddie: 110% wheels. Anybody who says doors is a flat earther and needs to be evaluated.

Taylor: I liked your TikTok!

Maddie: Yay! Go like my TikTok!

Taylor: @_MaddieWebb_

Riley: This got off track easily.

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Me: Mary Scott, wheels or doors?

Mary Scott: I think wheels, because I looked it up and there are 4 billion Hot Wheels, and that times 4 is 16 billion wheels alone.

Me: Okay, that’s reasonable.

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Unfortunately, one of our prominent cast members, Lily Katz, was unable to make it to rehearsal in time for these interviews. However, in the first-year Newsie group chat, I was able to have a long conversation with her and another cast member, Max, about the subject. We agreed to go over the definition of wheels and doors before the argument began, and so Max concluded that a wheel was “a circular object that revolves on an axle and is fixed below a vehicle or other object to enable it to move easily over the ground,” while a door was “a hinged, sliding, or revolving barrier at the entrance to a building, room, or vehicle, or in the framework of a cupboard.”

This, of course, led us to the regular argument of wheels vs doors, but also sparked a further argument of what made a wheel or door:

Lily K: I think my argument is that wheels can exist both inside and outside of a building, while doors, by their true definition, only exist outside of a building.

Me: Hallway doors?

Lily K: No but like, WITHIN a room, the smaller and smaller you zoom in the more wheels and fewer doors you find.

Me: Alr idk.

Max: Wait also we have to think about the trash. Most wheels are in landfills while doors are broken down.

Lily K: But wheels within landfills usually aren’t attached to a vehicle or object, thus begs the question; do they still fit the definition of wheels? Do wheels unattached from a specific object count?

Me: I think a wheel or door not attached to something is still a wheel or door. An arm not attached to anything is still an arm.

Lily K: Not by definition.

Me: Well then if a door isn’t attached to something and it’s not a door what is it?

Max: Wood?

Lily K: That’s another debate. WHEN A DOOR GETS STUCK IS IT STILL EVEN A DOOR?

Max: Yes, it still is trying to serve its purpose.

Lily K: BUT IT DOESN’T FUNCTION AS AN ENTRANCE FOR THAT MOMENT. This one might be a stretch. But malfunctioning doors are much more common than malfunctioning wheels. And by definition does a malfunctioning door count as a door?

Max: It does not say it has to function as an entrance it says it has to be at an entrance.

Lily K: But it’s not an entrance if, for the moment, it doesn’t work as an entry point.

Max: Now I don’t believe that, because I have a door in my room right now that I am not opening. Is it still a door?

Max and Lily then continued for quite some time to argue over whether a closed door or a stuck door was still a door, and even went so far as Max sending a video of himself explaining how, by Lily’s rigid definition, a human being could function as a door.

Max: It’s interesting because then you could say that there are no constantly acting as a door doors.

Lily K: Yes, whereas all wheels constantly act as wheels.

Max: So you are arguing that there are no doors at all. Ever.

Lily K: I guess I am, yeah.

Max: Lily Katz does not believe in doors. Spread the word.

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Conclusively, almost everyone I’ve talked to recently is a wheels person. Does that mean this debate is about to come to a close? There is no reasonable way to find out the true answer to wheels or doors. And according to Max, “the real wheels and doors were the friends we made along the way.” What do you think?