Birds Aren’t Real

*Before reading, know that both this article and the Birds Aren’t Real movement are satire. Birds are real.*

Birds. An animal that raises no suspicions. Something you may notice in the background, but never stop to look at for too long. The government wants you to think that these strange creatures, these birds, are real. But are they? 

We say no. Throughout this article, we will disprove this false narrative that you have been sold since birth. Birds are, in fact, not real.

Now, you may have heard about the Birds Aren’t Real movement before. It focuses on the belief that all birds were killed off around the 1970s and replaced by government-created spy drones used to watch us. This may sound absurd to you, but there’s evidence to prove it. Old members of the CIA, inside sources, and even witness civilians can all back up this “theory” as truth. 

It all started on April 15th, 1956, when Allen Dulles, the first civilian director of the CIA, met with President Eisenhower. He told the president of his plan to watch America through the skies, surveying the entire country in secret with cameras too high for the citizens of this country to see. It didn’t take long for Dulles’s plan to form fully. He, along with some of his close inner circle friends, came up with the genius plan of getting rid of every single bird in America and replacing it with an identical “Robot Bird.” You see, Dulles and his friends in the CIA hated our fluffy friends. They were overheard multiple times referring to birds as “flying slugs” and “the scum of the skies.” And so, why not literally kill two birds with one stone? Not only would their plan finally get rid of the flying menaces that were plaguing them, but it would also allow them to survey the American public uninterrupted.

Allen Dulles began formulating his plan quickly. He met with a representative of the Boeing Airplane Company and purchased planes that he believed could be re-engineered to further his plan of ridding America of its beloved birds. Now, you may be asking, how could the CIA engineer all these planes without ever being seen by the public? Dear reader, we ask you to think of a famous government base well known for its share of conspiracy theories, located safely in Nevada. That’s right, these bird-killing planes were built in none other than Area 51. The government hasn’t been housing aliens there, they’ve been building Bird Robots!

After the location and plans were decided, the CIA bussed 23 engineers from the Boeing Airplane Company to Area 51 with the sole purpose of constructing these planes. However, only 22 engineers made it there. The official Birds Aren’t Real website states that “while 22 of the men made it to Nevada, one man did not. Neil Ford was the only engineer that lived to tell the story, as he was left in a Waffle House bathroom because the others claimed, ‘He had to pee too many times, and was ruining the vibe of the road trip.’” After two years of hard work and a few complications including a wrench and a head injury induced coma, 21 of the original 23 engineers had finished constructing their bird exterminating planes. Later on, however, the remaining 21 engineers were taken shortly after their mission was completed by the CIA and never seen again, as their existence and knowledge could be used against the government at a later date. 

These planes were created to hold water tanks that would be filled with specially made bird poison, and under the cover of night, would be flown over America while raining down their deadly poison on the unsuspecting and helpless birds. Not every bird would be hit by this bird poison, and the government knew that, so they made plans. This poison, once dropped, would be absorbed into the body of any bird it hit, infecting the bird with a deadly and fast-spreading virus that would infect any other birds in the area. The virus was crafted in a way that the body of the entire bird decomposed within only twenty-four hours. This is why no bird bodies have ever been found. 

The operation, known as “Operation Water the Country,” was in place from 1959 to 1976. In 1976 the operation was renamed to “Operation Very Large Bird,” as the CIA did not want to be sued by PBS’s Sesame Street for the operation’s original name idea, “Operation Big Bird.” 

There are a few debated conspiracies within the Birds Aren’t Real organization. For example, some believe that “Operation Very Large Bird” and the CIA are responsible for the death of JFK, who opposed the bird murder when he officially learned about it after tapping the phone of one of his workers when he suspected that the man was stealing his sandwiches. Transcripts recovered by the Birds Aren’t Real team say, “‘Yeah Allen. I’ve stolen John’s lunch again haha, he doesn’t even know. I’m going to keep stealing it until he launches a full investigation. Then I’m going to plant a hidden camera and catch his reaction as I dump all the stolen sandwiches on his desk at one time. I’m going to call the new show You’ve Been Cleavered.’ Dulles responded, ‘Haha Alvin, that’s going to be so funny. We’ll have to play that clip at the White House Correspondents dinner. By the way, how’s the bird slaughter going? How many birds have we killed so far?’ ‘We’ve killed about 220 million so far, and the best thing is, the Robot Birds we’ve released in their place have done such a good job that nobody even suspects a thing.’”

Although the group's current leader, Peter McIndoe, who is not the founder (the organization was founded 50 years ago) has yet to make an official statement about these claims some still believe it. Personally, we do not agree with this specific theory, but it’s good to be suspicious. 

Throughout the modern-day media, we can still see the government potentially trying to censor the Birds Aren’t Real movement. Throughout our deep research on this topic, we noticed something suspicious. On February 9th, 2022, New York Times writer Taylor Lorenz published her 2nd of two articles regarding the organization Birds Aren’t Real. You may be thinking, how does someone writing about this movement show the government censoring this important movement? Well, after a deep dive into Taylor Lorenz’s works, we noticed that her article on the movement was the last article she wrote before she abruptly stopped writing for the New York Times. Is this freedom of the press? We think not.

Obviously, the clear answer for why this happened is that the government knew we were getting too close to finding the truth. As shown in Ms. Lorenz’s article, “Birds Aren’t Real, or Are They? Inside a Gen Z Conspiracy Theory.” This movement has been brought back into the spotlight due to Gen Z individuals. Gen Z individuals have used social media such as TikTok and Instagram to continue to raise awareness and to promote this serious issue.

Therefore, the government has been trying to cover up the existence of Robot Birds for decades, and although some may call this a conspiracy theory, it is 100% the truth. Right?

In all seriousness, The Birds Aren’t Real movement was created to show the dangers of misinformation, and how easy it is to spread this misinformation. In regard to the baseless conspiracy theories groups such as QAnon have spread, creator of Birds Aren’t Real Peter McIndoe said, “Birds Aren’t Real is not a shallow satire of conspiracies from the outside. It is from the deep inside. A lot of people in our generation feel the lunacy in all this, and Birds Aren’t Real has been a way for people to process that.” This shows how this movement has become a way for people to make a joke with and find joy in the conspiracy-filled world we live in today. The hope with the Birds Aren’t Real movement is that people will start to think twice before instantly believing conspiracy theories.

 If you are interested in reading more about how Gen Z is fighting misinformation with this movement, we highly encourage you to read Lorenz’s article and listen to her podcast segment regarding this movement. 

Links:

Birds Aren't Real, or Are They? Inside a Gen Z Conspiracy Theory,

Birds Aren't Real Podcast Segment