Dealing With Homophobic Family

Hello, welcome to the River Bluff GSA Club! I know a lot of people in our school probably have homophobic parents and don't really know what to do about it, and I understand because I have homophobic/transphobic parents too and I want to give some tips. I hope they will be helpful to you no matter what your identity is.

Just know that there are people who support you, especially in GSA. Even if your parents don't support you, we will, and you can talk about anything on the Discord server.

--Things To Know BEFORE Reading--

Things to know before reading this article:

• DNA studies show that people who experience same-sex attraction have certain similar genes or parts of their DNA, and people who experience opposite-sex attraction also have similar DNA. This shows that being LGBTQ+ is actually in your DNA, and that is not something you can change, and you should never feel bad about it. You can learn more in the Powered By Rainbows videos linked below.

• Psychological studies also have shown that transgender people's brains are more similar to cisgender people of their true gender rather than cisgender people of their birth gender. And, some people were shown to have brains that resembled both male and female brains. Proving being transgender and genderqueer are valid.

• About 7-12% of people identify as LGBT, 80% identify as heterosexual, and somewhere around 10% wouldn't specify or are unsure of their identity. There are a lot of allies and LGBTQ+ people to support you even if your parents don't!

• A lot of people who say they are homophobic or bully people for being gay have internalized homophobia/transphobia, and may just be trying to hide the fact that they are queer themselves.

• This article is not completely done. It is mostly grammatically correct, but some things may be a bit hard to understand or could have been explained better or should be re-worded. Things may be added or changed in future versions.

• If there are any words you don't know or something you don't understand, look in the glossary! Everything is in alphabetical order and there are definitions for multiple identities and terms.

1.  Try and Ignore What They Say, It Is Misinformation & Hurtful

I know a lot of people will try and say to ignore homophobic/transphobic comments, but it's really hard to do. No matter what, homophobic comments will still hurt people. You can try and ignore it, but a lot of the time it still hurts. Just know that a lot of homophobic people are uneducated and are not open to new information. 

For example, my mother would say "Less than 1% of people are naturally LGBTQ+" and "99% of them are straight but were brainwashed", which is false. Approximately 7-12% of people are LGBTQ+, showing that my homophobic mother has not done her research and has no idea what she is talking about. And you can't 'brainwash' people into being queer, that is nonsense. There is nothing wrong with who you are. Love is love. You are what you say you are.

There are studies to show that being queer is actually in your DNA, showing that once again my mother is false. And studies say that transgender people's brains are more similar to cisgender people of their true gender rather than people of their assigned birth gender. There is nothing wrong with what you are.

2.  Make Sure They Don't Find Out

If your parents aren't supportive, then you definitely should not tell them you are queer. My parents have asked me if I was queer, and I always say no to avoid them getting angry or asking more questions. Try to hide it as much as possible. If you attend our GSA meetings, just say that you are hanging out at the library and your friends are helping each other with homework. DO NOT specify what you are doing if it puts you in danger of being outed to your parents.

3.  Use Google Chrome & Delete Your History

I use Google Chrome because I can easily delete my history, if I've been on our GSA Discord server, this site, certain YouTube videos or websites regarding LGBTQ, etc., I can just get rid of it. My parents have taken away technology and banned certain things to forbid me from looking at things related to LGBTQ, which is why I try to hide everything from them so I can keep doing what I'm doing, like running GSA.

I recommend Google Chrome because history deletion is super easy! Click ctrl and h simultaneously, and you can delete all the sites you've been on. Just do it every night and you'll be safe if you go on LGBTQ-related sites, like this one or our Discord Server.

4.  Talk To Someone

You can talk to anyone in GSA if you have any problems, our DM's are always open. No one in GSA will judge you for anything. You can also reach out to The Trevor Project at thetrevorproject.org. You can click the escape key three times to quickly leave the site if needed.

You can call or text The Trevor Project day or night 24/7 to talk about anything and get advice from other people. They have trained counsellors who are there to help. To learn more click on the thetrevorproject.org link or go to their YouTube channel.

Another helpful resource I would recommend is the videos by 'Powered & Protected by Rainbows' about the LGBTQ+ community and mental health. Their YouTube is linked, and you can find some of their videos at the bottom of this page, and the bottom of the coming out advice page. Learn about the LGBTQ+ community, how to come out, how to deal with homo/trans/aphobia, mental health, etc. They made an excellent video on coming out that helped me a lot.

Professor Pride (Matt Haslam) also has a website at professorpride.com! Currently, he and this team have 640 videos for free on YouTube, but some things on the site are paid for. However, I still recommend looking at it if you want to.

5.  It Get's Better

Just know that it gets better, and it won't be like this forever. When you are older you can move out, and finally start expressing who you are. And it won't matter because you're not under your parents' roof and they can't tell you what to do or how to act. You can finally be open about your sexuality/gender identity without judgment or being scolded for it. You just have to wait. If you ever feel hopeless, just know it will get better, and it's not too far away.

6.  Common Arguments

Here I will talk about the most common LGBTQ+ arguments and counter and debunk them. LGBTQ+ arguments are usually illogical and entirely false. If anyone ever uses these arguments against you, reply with something like what I've said.

#1 "Less than 1% of people are truly gay, the rest are brainwashed!" OR "You're choosing to be queer!"

This is entirely false. If anyone ever tells you this, which I have been told before, then obviously that person has not done their research and knows absolutely nothing about what they are talking about. Firstly, approximately 7-12% of people are LGBTQ+, which immediately makes their argument false.

Secondly, you cannot 'brainwash' someone into being queer and we do not pick how we feel. There is science and studies to show that being queer is in your DNA, and you were born gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, polysexual, asexual, aromantic, etc. The same with your gender identity, there was a study showing that transgender women's brains are much more similar to cisgender women's brains than cisgender men's. This debunks this saying.

#2 "God made you (insert birth gender)! You can't be (insert different gender)!"

If you are Christian, you will know this is often an argument against transgender or genderqueer people. I have heard my mom complaining about genderqueer people and she has used this saying. She says god decided to make all AFAB people AFAB and all AMAB people AMAB, and it's bad to change to be MtF or FtM. However, my mother is completely wrong.

As stated before, being LGBTQ+ is in your DNA and transgender people psychologically are more like their true gender than their birth gender. God made you and your DNA, he wanted you to be transgender, or else he wouldn't have made your DNA like that or your brain.

A lot of transgender people who have gender dysphoria are often misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder, depression, or anxiety by professionals who don't realize they are actually experiencing gender dysphoria.

#3 "You can't be asexual/aromantic, it's not natural! Everybody falls in love/feels attraction one day!" OR "You can't be asexual/aromantic, you just haven't found the right person!"

A lot of people who are allosexual or heterosexual use this argument because they don't understand the asexual and aromantic spectrums. Being aromantic or asexual is entirely natural, it is in your DNA and you cannot change that. Not everybody falls in love or feels sexual attraction. Most people are homo/transphobia because of religion, but people who are against or don't agree with asexual or aromantic people, aphobes, are illogical. The Bible doesn't say you are required to fall in love, and in today's society, a person can live on their own without a partner.

Secondly, the next argument is absolutely ridiculous, and anyone who says it has zero idea what they're talking about. No one person will turn you allosexual or alloromantic. You will always be asexual/aromantic if you are asexual/aromantic. No one person will suddenly make you feel those types of attraction. There is no right person. There is no person at all. That is the whole point of aromanticism/asexuality, they don't feel that way towards any person.

#4 "You aren't demisexual/demiromantic! Everybody feels that way!"

Sure, some people prefer to get to know someone before having a romantic relationship or a different kind of one, but people who aren't demisexual/demiromantic can still experience romantic or sexual attraction to people they don't know well and can wait to have a relationship or more.

Demisexual/demiromantic people don't feel any sort of attraction until they get to know that person well. There is a difference between waiting to have a relationship but still feeling attraction, and not feeling attraction at all until getting to know someone.

#5 "Bisexual people should pick a side!" OR "Bisexual people don't exist, you have to pick just one!" OR "Bisexual people are just greedy!"

Whoever chooses to say this is a complete idiot. Bisexual people can't just pick a side, it is in their DNA. You are allowed to experience attraction towards multiple genders, you don't need to pick just one. Bisexual people exist, in fact over 40% of people in the LGBTQ+ community are bisexual or on the bisexual spectrum. So whoever says this is speaking complete nonsense.

And you are not greedy for liking multiple genders, it's okay and everyone in GSA supports you and your identity, whether you're bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, polysexual, etc. You are what you say you are.

#6 "They/Them pronouns are too confusing!" OR "'They' is plural, you can't use 'they', you're one person!"

This is used by transphobes or people who believe there are only two genders. Some people believe it is 'too confusing' when people use they/them pronouns. Some people purposely misgender non-binary and genderqueer people who use they/them by calling them pronouns usually connected to their birth gender, like she/her or he/him. Transphobes are not willing to try and use they/them or understand it, they would rather misgender people for no good reason.

This is very harmful to people who use they/them and causes gender dysphoria. And this does not make sense. Why would you purposefully say that when you know it makes someone feel bad?

However, to prove them wrong, say you and your singular friend are going to the library or park together or somewhere else, and your parent asks you "Oh, what is their name?" because they might not know the gender of that person. They literally just proved themselves wrong. Everyone has used they/them before.

#7 "You can't possibly be gay or transgender, you're too young to know yet!"

This is completely false. Most people reading this are likely from 11-14 years old since we are a middle school, and it just so happens that most people find out they are LGBTQ+ at an early age, approximately 8-11 years old. And many LGBTQ+ children come out around 10 or 11 years of age or somewhere in middle school.

Many transgender people also feel as if they are different from their birth gender at early ages as well. But of course, they don't know how to describe how they feel since we learn about transgender people and gender dysphoria when we're older. I didn't learn what transgender and non-binary were until I was in 4th grade, which is also when I started questioning my sexuality.

And like I've said previously, transgender people who experience gender dysphoria are often misdiagnosed as having bipolar disorder, depression, or anxiety.

#8 "But that's a sin!"

None of the major religions of the world in their scripture mention homosexuality or transgenderism saying it is a sin. Many Christians believe since god created Adam and Eve, everyone should date someone of the opposite gender. That is false. God loves all of his children and doesn't care if you are gay or transgender. He chose for you to be LGBTQ+, it is in your DNA.

Although, God did say not to judge people. Therefore, if someone judges you for being gay, then they are the sinners, not you.

There is a passage in the original version of the bible that states a man shall not lay with a younger boy as he would a woman. However, when they translated it into English they changed it to make homosexuality sound like a sin. They said a man shall not sleep with another man. They wanted to scare people into not being homosexual or transgender instead of paedophiles. They read the original and did this on purpose.

#9 "Being transgender is just a mental illness!"

The American Psychological Association years ago wrongfully classified transgenderism as a mental illness years ago. This led to people being experimented on and being treated for something that was never wrong in the first place. This "illness" was taken off the list in 2012, only 13 years ago.

This obviously is not a mental illness, there is nothing wrong with being transgender or genderqueer. As stated before, it is in your DNA, and the minds of transgender people are closer to their true gender rather than the gender assigned to them at birth.

#10 "They just want to corrupt children!" OR "I don't like the agendas they're spreading!" 

The LGBTQ+ community is not trying to corrupt children, there is no "gay agenda", we just want to educate people and we want equality. That's what we want. Not to corrupt children, that doesn't make any sense just like most of the things homophobic/transphobic/aphobic people say.

People should be educated on the LGBTQ+ community, so they show respect and love to everyone around them instead of hate and exclusion. Children are not born with hate in their hearts, it is taught and engrained within them. Children aren't corrupt with the "gay agenda", they are corrupt with the hatred people are teaching them.

#11 "I'm not homophobic/transphobic, I just don't agree with it!" OR "I'm not homophobic/transphobic, I just would be disappointed!" OR "I'm not homophobic/transphobic, I'd get you some help if you were it!"

I don't care if someone doesn't agree with it, that is their own opinion. Sure, I wish they would be more open-minded, but as long as they are not being rude to people within the LGBTQ+, whatever. But if your parent tells you they would be disappointed in you for being gay, that is a problem and super homophobic and hurtful.

My mother has told me multiple times that she isn't homophobic, but she has said she would be upset or disappointed if I was lesbian. That is the most hurtful thing she has ever said to me. I knew she probably wouldn't support me for being LGBTQ+, but then having her literally look me in the eye and say to my face that she would be disappointed if I was lesbian has ruined the way I think of her. I will never forgive her for saying this And just so you know, I was only nine or ten years old.

It disgusts me how someone can talk to a child like that. Homophobes don't think about how their words could be hurtful. The fact that she told me she would be disappointed in me over something I cannot control is the most hurtful thing I have ever been told.

Also, my mother has said many transphobic things, she even said that if I ever became a transgender person she would try and get me professional help. I am not trans, but knowing I have to be a certain way for her is extremely hurtful. I do not view my mother the same anymore

If someone ever tells you this, just say "Okay, even though you don't like it, I am not going to stop being it". Because no one can force you into being straight, cisgender, allosexual, or alloromantic. Absolutely no one. You are perfect, you are what you say you are, and love is love.

#12 "It wasn't like this when I was growing up!"

Of course, it wasn't like this while they were growing up. When they were growing up, LGBTQ+ people had no rights, would be murdered in the streets for being gay or trans, would be arrested for protests and riots, and would be put in insane asylums for being transgender next to actually mentally ill people. People were told they would go to hell, they would be disowned, and they would be discriminated against for just being who they were.

Thankfully, times are different now, and things are better, but they don't care. They don't like that things are better for LGBTQ+ people, they liked it when queer people were dismissed and they didn't hear about them. They don't care about LGBTQ+ rights.

If someone complains to you about the new "gay agenda" or new "woke" things, just ignore them, because they are uneducated and have no idea what they are talking about like most homo/trans/aphobic people.