Coming Out Advice

Hello, welcome to the River Bluff Student-Led GSA Club! I know a lot of people in our school probably aren't out as LGBTQ+ and are either worried about coming out, don't know how to do it, or don't know who to come out to and are looking for some tips from other LGBTQ+ people. This is exactly what this page is for, I want to share some tips I have for coming out and hope they help you. Just know that no one's self-discovery or coming out journey is exactly alike, and every one is unique. Nevertheless, I hope I help you a little or make an impact on your journey.

I'm going to talk a lot about my coming out journey and self-discovery, and I hope you can relate to at least something I say. It took me two years to find my sexuality, and another to find the courage to come out. But just know, I didn't do it on my own, I needed tips too and help from my friends, I wouldn't have come out at all if weren't for three of my friends.

Section 1: Before Coming Out

1. You Are Not Alone

Please know that you are never, ever alone in this. Even if your close friends and family are homophobic/transphobic, that's okay. There are so many people out there who will support you! Especially in this school. Approximately 7-12% of all people are LGBTQ+, so even if you don't have any in your friend group know that there is someone out there who will listen. Some so many people understand what you are going through and you will never be alone in this. You can talk about whatever you want in our Discord server, there are many allies and queer people who will support you no matter if your gay, trans, bisexual, asexual, non-binary, etc. No one here will judge you for who you are or who you love. You should never feel ashamed of who you are. There is nothing wrong with being queer. Love is love.

2. Never Feel Pressured To Come Out

It is completely fine if you're not ready to come out of the closet or state what you are, there is nothing wrong with being scared or not ready. There is no time limit. Some people stay in the closet for a few months, and some people are in the closet for years! No journey is the same. If you don't feel like it's the right time to come out, you don't have to. You don't owe ANYONE information. Don't feel guilty for keeping this from your friends or family. No one is obligated to know, not even people in GSA. If someone asks your sexuality and you don't want to specify, that's completely okay! No one here will judge you for being closeted. You don't need to tell anyone. You don't owe anyone info, and there is no time limit, never feel bad about yourself. Please remember that!

3. It's Okay To Be Scared

It is completely normal to be scared to come out of the closet! I was terrified to tell two of my closest friends, even though I knew they were both queer and I knew they would be accepting. Everyone's journey is different, some people are scared, and some people are a little less. It is 100% natural to have anxiety about coming out or not being ready. Just know that when you do decide to come out, someone will support you!

When I first started thinking about coming out, it was one of the scariest times of my life. I was so scared to hear how people would react or what they would say to me. Whether they would make jokes, tell me my sexuality wasn't a thing, that it was a sin, I was petrified at the thought of it. It took me a long time to come out to my openly bisexual friend, but she was very supportive and I am so grateful to have her! And when I told my aroace friend, he was so helpful and supportive in my coming out journey and I don't think I could thank him enough! I started thinking about coming out after he told me he was asexual, I don't think I ever could have done it without him. A few weeks after I told him and after he showed me a lot of support, a lot of my fear started to go away until there was barely any left at all. I felt so empowered and ready. Just know, that after you tell one supportive person, and there are one or two who have your back, it gets 100% easier, and I could not thank them enough.

4. There Is No Timelimit

I've already said this, but it is really important to know, only come out if you are really ready! Don't feel pressure! I used to feel jealous of people who were already out, and still sometimes do because I'm only out to a few people, most people in GSA don't even know!

I've known a lot of people in GSA for a long time, and a lot of them came out very early and quickly. I have a lot of conservative friends and friends who are homophobic/transphobic, especially my family. I would see groups of people who were already out, and they were completely comfortable in their identity and knew exactly who they were and didn't feel ashamed for who they were. I would feel jealous because none of them seemed scared. I was absolutely terrified to come out, and they did it just fine. How come they were brave enough to come out and I wasn't? I felt alone but not at the same time. I knew a lot of queer people who made me feel good, but I was too scared to tell any of them and none of them knew who I really truly was.

My parents would tell me homophobic and transphobic things a lot. I became scared of them, and then I became scared of everyone else thinking that they may feel the same way my parents do. My parents would never accept who I was if they knew, and they made me feel scared a lot of the time. I don't want anyone else to feel that way, you can talk to me if you ever feel similar or alone. I know what it's like and I completely understand what you're going through because I've been there two and am still there.

5. It's Okay If You Are Figuring Things Out

It is okay if you don't know exactly who you are yet, whether you're figuring out your sexuality or gender identity everyone is accepting and supportive. And it's okay if you are still figuring out how to tell people, whether that be in person, over text, etc. There is no time limit to figuring yourself out either. It took me 2-2 1/2 years to figure out who I was, and another year to partially come out of the closet. I don't think I'll be fully out until the end of this year or next year, and I am okay with that! There are a lot of people who I don't want to tell because I don't know how they would react or if they would react badly. And I have some friends who I KNOW would not be supportive, so I don't plan on telling them. You don't have to tell certain people if you don't want to. It can be a secret between a couple of people. Like I said, a lot of people in GSA don't know what I am. And none of them have been judgemental or have asked.

You don't need to figure yourself out or tell people right away, self-discovery and self-acceptance take time. I used to feel ashamed of who I was. I used to feel like no one would understand. But I don't feel that way anymore.

Section 2: Coming Out

6. How To Tell People

There is no right or wrong way to tell someone your sexuality or gender identity. I told one of my friends in person, one over a voice call, and the rest over text. My sexuality can be hard to explain, so I told one friend in person who I knew was bisexual, and I knew she knew what my sexuality was because she has many LGBTQ+ friends. For me, it's hard to explain things, so I screenshotted the definition and sent it to the rest of my friends. Some of them knew what it was, and some of them didn't but still understood and were supportive.

So if you have an uncommon sexuality or are bad at explaining things I'd say do it over text, because writing your feelings for some is easier than saying them out loud. But you do whatever you can do or feel comfortable with! I would also recommend if you don't know if the person you're telling will be accepting, tell them over text so you don't have to see their reaction or hear them yell if they aren't accepting.

If you do come out in person, make sure it's a private place where no one can hear you or see you. Because if other people hear they might out you to other people, which may lead to any homophobic or conservative friends finding out, or being bullied by homophobes. There are some friends who I want to tell, but we're never alone together, their never at school, or I don't have their Discord, so I can't tell them even though I want to and I know they would be accepting.

7. Tell Someone You Trust

My recommendation is to tell someone who is either queer or someone you KNOW is an ally first. Coming out is hard, especially when you don't know who to trust. Just start by planning on how to tell one person, whether that be an ally or another queer person, and work your way from there. Coming out is a process, that sometimes is harder for some people. I know people who have come out only a few months after they've found out, while it took me 3 years to figure out and say who I am! Just know that everyone in GSA is someone you can tell, and if you only want one person to know just tell them to keep it a secret. If you don't think they can keep a secret or you know they'll blab, then they shouldn't be the first person you tell.

You can tell anyone in GSA! We will all understand, this is an LGBTQ+ safe space, and we want you to know there is nothing wrong with who you are!

Section 3: After Coming Out

8. Dealing With Homo/Trans/Aphobia

There are many homophobes/transphobes/aphobes, but know that there are way more allies and queer people to support you. I have been told a lot of homophobic things, many and most of them by my own parents, which is why I will never consider telling them until I am an adult and am not under their roof. I will go through many things said by people on the internet and people I know, and how to deal with these sayings and look past them.

Just know that it's okay if you feel hurt, people tell us to ignore homophobic remarks made towards us, but it still hurts and it still fills people with fear. You are never alone in this.

My mother would often say things like "All gay people are brainwashed" and, "Only less than 1% of the world is naturally gay, most gay people are straight and were brainwashed" and, "90% of the kids at your school who say their gay now will regret that in 10 years when they figure out their not and can't ever take that back" which is completely false and super harmful and hurtful.

My mother has said those things to my face, and it absolutely disgusts me how people talk to each other like that, especially when grown adults decide to speak to children like that. Not all gay people are 'brainwashed', you can't trick someone into being LGBTQ+. About 7% or more of the world's population is LGBTQ+, whether that's gay, transgender, bisexual, non-binary, pansexual, asexual, aromantic, etc.

My parents are also very transphobic, one time I read a book with a transgender character in it and my mother called it 'smut' and couldn't believe that it was in an elementary school library. Luckily that did not stop me from checking out more LGBTQ+ books, especially by the same author who wrote multiple good books about being queer, and their stories helped me immensely! My mother said multiple times that being transgender is 'just a mental illness' and that 'no transgender person can truly be happy.' Which is obviously false. Being trans or non-binary is not a mental illness, it is an identity, it is who you are! You shouldn't feel like there is something wrong with you for being genderqueer! Never feel ashamed of that! And there are many transgender people who are happy finally not being their assigned gender at birth, and being who they were supposed to be. Transitioning makes people happy! They can finally be who they were meant to be. Don't listen to people like my mother, you are who you say you are, and there is nothing wrong with that. Never feel ashamed!

Our school last year did the 'Day of Silence Protest' where people could go the day without talking to support LGBTQ+ people. My mother heard about it and was not happy at all. She thought the school was 'brainwashing and indoctrinating' children. She said all of my gay friends would regret ever saying anything, and that it wasn't right for them to have the protest. She said that you couldn't go the entire day without talking, and she threatened to homeschool me if I participated. She wanted me to be homeschooled so I couldn't have anything to do with it and told me 'not to participate in that 'bullshit''. 

My mother is a very hateful person towards LGBTQ+, she could try and understand and educate herself but she chooses not to. As you can see from what she's said, homophobic people are very biased and uneducated and you just shouldn't listen because they don't have any idea what they are talking about and haven't seen our side of the story.

Also, A lot of people are hateful because of religion, especially transphobes, but I want you to know that being queer is not sinful, it is not a sin, and you will not go to hell for loving who you love or transitioning. People try to instill fear into you with false facts. I am Christian and I don't believe there is anything wrong with being LGBTQ+, god loves all of his children. He will not look down upon you for being queer. You are perfect and you don't need to change for anybody or anything. The bible doesn't say you'll go to hell for being gay or transitioning, don't be scared to come out for religious reasons.

People also try and turn transgender people into a 'debate' and try to take away trans rights. In Iowa, all trans minors are being forced within the next six months to cease their medical transitions, this means no minors in Iowa can use hormone blockers, testosterone/estrogen, hormone therapy, etc. to transition. Trans kids are being forced into staying medically as their birth gender until they are adults. This is happening in 9 different states. There are debates over whether trans women belong in women's spaces, whether being trans is natural, and whether minors should be able to transition. Trans people are not a debate, they are human beings.

If anyone ever tries to tell you being trans is unnatural, sinful, evil, etc. PLEASE do not listen to them. They don't know what they're talking about, it is perfectly normal to be transgender, non-binary, genderqueer, genderfluid, or any gender at all! Don't let people treat you badly or misgender you.

One person I know was being made fun of for being gay, so they had that kid removed from every single one of his classes so he couldn't bother them anymore. You don't deserve to be hated on for being gay or trans, stick up for yourself and others.

My friend who is an ally gave me something that I definitely needed to hear after I came out to him. He said that people shouldn't care if I'm queer or not. And if they don't support me I shouldn't be around them in the first place. And if they fire hate upon me for who I am, I should probably cut them off. That seems kind of obvious, but it was something I needed to hear more than anything.