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Have a good golf joke to share? Send it via email to the Webmaster and will try to post it here.
8/17/18
Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white, sold by the dozen, and you have to buy more by the end of the week.
1/29/2018
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus.
“Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course,” the journalist said. “What is your secret?”
Jack smiled knowingly and replied, “Well, it’s quite simple… the holes are numbered.”
4/24/17
A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing.
The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap. He’s so angry, he shouts “God dammit, I missed!”
The nun reminds him not to take the Lord’s name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again. He hits it into the rough, and in his anger, shouts “God dammit, I MISSED!”
The nun once again tells him not to take the Lord’s name in vain, and he apologizes again. On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells “GOD DAMMIT I MISSED!” and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes the nun, killing her instantly.
Out of nowhere, a loud voice boomed, “God dammit, I missed.”
Two golfers join up at the first tee and each explains that due to a psychological problem, they play slightly differently than most golfers.
They soon learn that they both have the same doctor who has prescribed a game of golf using an imaginary golf ball to reduce stress. And so they tee off with their imaginary balls.
After a day of splitting fairways and scoring nothing worse than eagles, birdies and pars, they reach the 18th hole. The first one indicates because they are equal in their score that he should hit first.
So he tees off with his imaginary ball.
“Look at that, a beautiful shot just on the edge of the green.”
The second guy hits his imaginary ball and indicates that it has also landed on the edge next to the other ball. The first guy lines up and drains his 20-footer to the bottom of the cup.
“You wouldn’t believe it, my ball just rolled into the cup, I win.”
The second guy responds, “You won’t believe it either, you just hit my ball.”
Tom had rejected the idea of dieting, health spas and swimming, but when his doctor advised golf, the overweight patient thought it might be worth trying.
After a few weeks, however, Tom was back at the doctor’s asking whether he could take up some other game.
“What’s wrong with golf?” protested the doctor. ” There’s no finer game!”
“You are absolutely correct,” the patient replied. “But my trouble is that when I put the fricking ball past my belly where I can see it, I can’t hit it. And when I put it where I can hit it, I can’t see it!”
Moses, Jesus and some’ ol geezer are going to play a round of golf. Moses tees off, the ball goes right into the pond. No problem! Moses walks over parts the water and hits the ball again, where it lands about 1 foot from the first hole.
Jesus then tees off and the ball goes flying off to the left, hits a tree, then miraculously bounces to about 6 inches from the hole.
The’ ol geezer steps up, tees off, the ball heads right for the pond, a huge bass jumps up grabs the ball in its mouth, suddenly an eagle swoops down, grabs the bass and flies over the green, the bass drops the ball and it rolls to just about 2 inches from the hole! All of a sudden a worm pops up and knocks the ball in. A hole in one.
Moses looks at Jesus and says, “You know, I really hate it when your DAD plays.”
From: http://golf.swingbyswing.com/article/golf-joke-of-the-day-tuesday-december-13th
==============================================
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
11/28/16
Don, a 70-something golfer, went to a new golf shop in the big city. After looking around for some time, Don finally selected the new clubs he wanted.
Walking to the checkout counter with his new sticks, Don pulled out his wallet and prepared to pay.
The cashier, a beautiful co-ed, said, “Strip down, facing me.”
Not sure what was going on and not being used to the big city ways, Don did as she asked.
When the hysterical shrieking and laughs finally subsided, Don asked, “what’s so funny?”
“I was talking about how you should hold your credit card,” the cashier responded.
9/18/2016
Three unmarried men were waiting to tee off when the starter walked up to them and said, “You see that beautiful blonde practicing her putting?”“Her? Wow, she is beautiful,” they all said.
“She’s a good golfer,” he continued, “and would like to hook up with a group. None of the other groups will play with a wom- an. Can she play with you? She won’t hold you up, I promise.”
They looked at each other and said, “Sure! She can join us.”
Just as the starter said, the woman played well and kept up. Plus, they kept noticing, she was very attractive.
When they reached the 18th hole, she said that if she sank her 18-footer, she’d break 80 for the first time.
“Guys, I’m so excited about breaking 80 that I have to tell you something. I had a great time playing with you. I can tell you all really love golf. I want you to know that I’m single and want to marry a man who loves golf as much as I do. If one of you guys can read this putt correctly and I make it, I’ll marry whichever of you was right!”
All three jumped at the opportunity.
The first one looked over the putt and said, “I see it breaking 10 inches left to right.”
The second looked it over from all sides and said, “No, I see it breaking eight inches right to left.”
The third man looked at the woman, looked at the ball, and said, “Pick it up. It’s good!”
5/18/2011
BEER, FISHING, SEX& GOLF
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend
all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the
man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man
looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
8/30/10
Do you know this about different golf balls.... watch the video at end......
Do you know this about different golf balls.... watch the video at end......
No one has a swing speed of 150 mph, including Tiger Woods who is just under 130 mph. I had no idea the golf ball compresses this much.
But first a little history I recently learned:
1- The Pro V-1 golf ball by Titleist is actually a three part ball, but
you have to have a club head speed of at least 100 mph or more to be able to compress all three stages...If you don't the ball never fully
compresses and you don't get the distance out of it that the pro's do.
2- We, will get more distance out of a ball that only has two stages of compression...
Like the Titleist NG Tour. It is more suited to our swing speed and we can compress it upon impact and can hit it further than the Pro V-1 ball.
3- So the secret is not to buy the most expensive balls out there
because we are actually decreasing the distance we can hit the ball,
unless your club head speed is over 100 mph, which unless you are 21 to 50 years old, isn't going to happen!!!
Watch this video, this shows what a golf ball goes through when hit at 150 mph...it's amazing to me how long these balls last. Maybe that's why the Pro's use new balls ever time they play....
http://www.flixxy.com/golf-ball-slow-motion.htm
Wow, 70,000 frames per second!!!
9/1/09
GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of
tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle,
followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing
left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins.
And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks
Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to
play your foul balls.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain,
the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable
tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before
taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the
phrase "maul it again."
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement
between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt
very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how
badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out
and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss
every green. The next day you go out and for no
reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the
"gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent
is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too
seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7... Foursomes are encouraged.
#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
Other 2009 humor below:
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
~ Sam Snead
A hungry dog hunts best.
~ Lee Trevino
You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen..
~ Lee Trevino
I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
~ George Brett
Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that..
~ Jim Murray
The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.
~ Mickey Mantle
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
~ Kevin Costner
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par..
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye..
~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
~ Brian Weis
Swing hard in case you hit it.
~ Dan Marino
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
~ Lord Robertson
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
~ Jack Benny
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.
~ Jack Nicklaus
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
~ H G Wells
I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
~ Billy Graham
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it , it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
~ Bob Hope
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~ Henry Youngman
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
~ Lee Trevino
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino
2008
ONLY TRUE GOLFERS UNDERSTAND THIS...
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . . . for a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn.
Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and flatulate if you are performing brain surgery.
ONE OF THE ADVANTAGES BOWLING HAS OVER GOLF IS THAT
YOU SELDOM LOSE A BOWLING BALL. - Don Carter
YOU CAN MAKE A LOT OF MONEY IN THIS AS A PRO GOLFER.
JUST ASK MY EX-WIVES. BOTH OF THEM ARE SO RICH THAT
NEITHER OF THEIR HUSBANDS WORK - Lee Trevino
THERE ARE TWO THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR HEAD DOWN
- PLAY GOLF AND PRAY. - Lee Trevino
A LITTLE GIRL WAS AT HER FIRST GOLF LESSON WHEN SHE ASKED
AN INTERESTING QUESTION: "IS THE WORD SPELLED P-U-T OR
P-U-T-T?" SHE ASKED THE INSTRUCTOR.
"P-U-T-T IS CORRECT," HE REPLIED. "PUT MEANS TO PLACE A
THING WHERE YOU WANT IT. PUTT MEANS MERELY A VAIN ATTEMPT
TO DO THE SAME THING."
JIM SAID HE WANTED TO GET MORE DISTANCE. I TOLD HIM TO
HIT IT AND RUN BACKWARD. Ken Venturi, on Art Rosenbaum
I READ THE GREENS IN SPANISH, BUT PUTT IN ENGLISH.
- ChiChi Rodriguez
THE ONLY THING IN MY BAG THAT WORKS IS THE BUG SPRAY.
- Bruce Lansky
GOLF IS A GAME IN WHICH THE SLOWEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD
ARE THOSE IN FRONT OF YOU, AND THE FASTEST ARE THOSE BEHIND.
I'VE HAD A GOOD ROUND OF GOLF WHEN I DON'T FALL OUT OF
THE CART. - Buddy Hackett
RELAX? HOW CAN ANYBODY RELAX AND PLAY GOLF? YOU HAVE TO
GRIP THE CLUB, DON'T YOU? - Ben Hogan
MY BODY IS HERE, BUT MY MIND HAS ALREADY TEED OFF.
GOLF IS WHAT YOU PLAY WHEN YOU'RE TOO OUT OF SHAPE TO
PLAY SOFTBALL.
I FOUND OUT THAT ALL THE IMPORTANT LESSONS OF LIFE ARE
CONTAINED IN THE THREE RULES FOR ACHIEVING A PERFECT
GOLF SWING:
1. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
2. FOLLOW THROUGH.
3. BE BORN WITH MONEY
A New Way to Keep Score!
Four very old retired Navy geezers came into the Army-Navy Club pro shop in Arlington, Virginia after playing 18 holes of golf. They were a bit exhausted. The pro asked, "Did you gents have a good game today?"
The first old feller said, "Oh, I had three riders today."
The second bent over guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."
The third old man said, "I did about the same. I had 7 riders, the same as last time."
The last ancient sport said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today. Aren't you fellers proud of me?"
After they went into the men's locker room, an elderly lady club member that had heard the old gents telling of t heir game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf here for 40 years and thought I knew all the terminology of the game,..... but what in the world is a rider?"
You're going to love this....
The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."
The True Rules Of Golf - Part 1 of 4
The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse
Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one
more club or two more balls.
The True Rules Of Golf - Part 2 of 4
Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead
of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank
a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
The True Rules Of Golf - Part 3 of 4
Non chalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a
straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the
way you meant to play it.
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch
90% of the time.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600 mph.
The True Rules Of Golf - Part 4 of 4
There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top
and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract. Fairways repel.
You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is the one in
the bunker
If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
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