"My brother, Henry Clay Fontaine, joined up with the Army of the Potomac just as soon as he turned eighteen. I wasn’t but ten years old then, but oh, I did admire how fine he looked in that blue uniform with those shiny gold buttons. I’m not ashamed to admit I was green-eyed jealous of that uniform.
"It didn’t help none t’see how puffed up with pride Pa got just lookin’ at him. Ma wasn’t so pleased. She’d a-preferred he went on t’the university and all, but Pa just said that Henry Clay’s country needed him now and there’d be plenty of time for education once we licked them damn rebels and restored the Union.
"He made it sound real easy, Pa did, but I’ll tell you straight, it was not easy at all, no sir.
"When Henry Clay’s regiment assembled and marched out of town, I didn’t think about it at all; I just tagged along. and I didn’t tell Ma nor Pa nor Henry Clay either.
"I knew full well what they’d a-said if I asked, and I figured if I waited ‘til I was old enough, old Henry Clay’d lick Johnny Reb all by himself, and I’d miss out on the whole great adventure.
"That’s how I was lookin’ at it back then: one big great adventure.
"I kept to the fields alongside the road as the regiment marched out. After some miles they came to a railroad town and commenced to loadin’ up the train.
" I just stowed away with the baggage.
" By the time I was discovered, we were more’n two hundred miles from home.
" Henry Clay was hoppin’ mad when they dragged me into camp, and his lieutenant didn’t look all that happy either. They were all set to send me right on back home, though they weren’t all that certain as to how to get me there.
" I allowed as how if they tried t’send me back, I’d just run away and seek out the regiment again. Old Henry Clay knew me well enough to know I wasn’t bluffin’. He eventually came around to the conclusion that I’d be better off where he could keep an eye on me. Though he didn’t like it one little bit.
" Lieutenant reckoned as how the regiment didn’t have a drummer boy, that if I could learn the job and help Cookie with the feedin’ of the men, and follow orders and generally make myself useful, he’d be willin’ to keep me on.
" Now in the summer of 1863, old Bobby Lee commenced to invade the north.
"Bobby Lee is the name most everybody in the regiment gave to General Robert E. Lee, who for my money was the smartest general to come out of that whole war. Even if he was the enemy. Leastwise, President Lincoln was yet to find any general in the Union that could whup him.
"As I was sayin’, Bobby Lee come a-marchin’ north, threatenin’ Washington D.C. and it became the job of the Army of the Potomac to keep him away from the capital.
"What I remember most about those days, June of 1863, was just how hot it could get. That and the marchin’. Ten, fifteen, twenty miles a day with the temperature reachin’ some 90 degrees, and most all of us wearin’ wool uniforms… Oh, that was some hard marchin’, that summer.
"I’m shamed t’say it now, for I know it’s just pure foolishness, but I was feelin’ relieved when a rider come a-racin’ into camp, horse all in a lather, t’say that elements of the army was engaged with rebel forces just up the road, and we’d best get up there before we missed out on the fight.
" I was relieved on account of I’m thinkin’ that if we’re going to be fightin’, least we won’t have to do more durn marchin’.
"When we got to Gettysburg, it seemed the whole Army of the Potomac had already got there. It was near evening of July 1st and the Rebs had taken the town of Gettysburg proper and pushed us back to the defensive.
"Our army was stretched out in a line runnin’ roughly north-south. The north side was anchored on the couple hills by the town cemetery while the south end was set on a couple of rocky hills called Little Round Top and Big Round Top.
"Our regiment was set right in the middle of the line, on a low ridge that run between the hills north and south of us. In front of us to the west was about a mile of wide open fields that ended in a tree-covered ridge line.
"And behind those trees was General Robert E. Lee and the whole rebel army.
"The next day there was one powerful fight, though it didn’t affect our regiment all that much.
"Bobby Lee attacked on the north end around the Cemetery Hill and the south end of our lines around the Round Tops.
"Our boys held, though many a brave man died on that day.
"Lieutenant said he reckoned that, come morning, Bobby Lee’d be attackin’ right at us. “He’s hit us on both ends an’ that didn’t work, so I’m bettin’ that next he’ll be comin’ at the middle of our line.”
"That sure got us all thinkin’. I don’t reckon the regiment slept all that well that night.
"Come morning I woke t’the sound of guns, but they was off to the north around the Cemetery Hills.
"In front of us, it was dead quiet.
"There are three things I remember about that morning. First, it was hot, 90 degrees in the shade. Second was, once the guns to the north shut down it was quiet. You could hear a honeybee passin’ by. Men spoke in a whisper and walked on tip-toe for fear of disturbin’ that quietude.
"All except for Cookie, that is.
"That’s the third thing I remembered. Cookie was in a terrible temper.
"Seems he had stolen a side of bacon from the 42nd New York, and just as he’s commencin’ to fix it up for the men’s breakfast, it came up missin’.
"Old Cookie was cussin’ up somethin’ terrible and givin’ me a look like maybe I got somethin’ t’do with it, though he should have known full well that, despite all my prankin’ and foolishness, I would never take food away from the regiment.
"Well, while Cookie’s is railin’ on about the perfidy of thieves, (conveniently forgettin’ that he’d stolen that bacon from those New Yorkers in the first place), I’m thinkin’ about somethin’ I’d seen earlier that mornin’ that was startin’ t’look down right suspicious.
"I’d been nosin’ around camp, not havin’ any particular duties at the time, when I saw Jacob Sook, the assistant cook from C-company, go by in a serious hurry.
"He was holdin’ his coat in a funny way.
"Like he was hidin’ somethin’ under it.
"I thought, “Say, that’s a curious thing,” but then I just let it go. But now that Cookie’d come to notice that we’d been robbed, I started to thinkin’: Mightn’t that have been a side of bacon stashed under Sook’s coat?
" I recalled as how he’d been headin’ for company C’s supply wagon at the time.
"Then I just reckoned that I might want to have a look inside that wagon.
"It was not long after the noon hour that I got my chance.
"Someone had noticed some movement in the trees to the west and while everyone was lookin’ for attackin’ rebels, I slipped into that supply wagon.
"Most of the load was covered with large canvas tarp and that suited me fine. I just slipped in under that tarp and commenced investigatin’.
"There were bags of cornmeal and flour, a coil of rope, but I just followed my nose, and sure enough, stashed between two kegs of black powder, there was that side of bacon.
“Ha, I’m thinkin’, 'Success! ' And I set about to make my escape.
"Except that it was right then that all hell broke loose.
"History books’ll tell you it was the largest artillery barrage of the war. One hundred and seventy rebel guns all goin’ off at once, and all of ‘em aimed right at me.
"Least that’s how it felt at the time.
"Old Bobby Lee reckoned he’d get all his cannons firin’ at the middle of the Union line and then his boys’d just march in there like it was a Fourth of July parade.
" Trouble was, the rebel guns were firin’ high. They were firin’ right over the men on the line and right into the rear.
"That is to say, right where I was.
"It was like bein’ in the middle of the worst thunderstorm a body could imagine. And it wasn’t like a whole lot of explosions goin’ off; no, it was like one big explosion that just kept goin’ on and on and on.
"I made myself as small as I could in that little wagon and commenced to prayin’.
"Now, I’d heard tell that a soldier don’t never hear the sound of the shell that hits him. I can’t say as I have an opinion on that, as it was too loud outside for me t’tell one way or another.
"All I remember was that all of a sudden everything went all bright and loud, and then nothing, just darkness and silence.
"Then, next thing I know, I’m floatin’ around in the air.
"Above the battlefield.
"Lookin’ down on the whole scene laid out before me.
"There was smoke everywhere I looked. Shells were explodin’ all around. And lookin’ off to the west, I could even see the little puffs of smoke from the rebel guns and then watch the cannonballs come a-sailin’ through the air.
"Then I looked directly down and saw a huge shell crater just below me.
"That’s when I knew.
"There was no sign of the store wagon at all. I suppose a rebel shell had scored a direct hit on that wagon and set off them two kegs of black powder and…well, there wouldn’t be a whole lot of me left around.
"Now, I know that it’s a funny thing to be thinkin’ about: that you’ve been so blown up, there won’t be anything left t’bury. Even to be thinkin’ at all after bein’ blown t’bits is more than passin’ strange, but there it is.
" And even stranger that that, I suppose, is how I didn’t spend a whole lot of time dwellin’ on my sorry fate.
"After all, there was a battle goin’ on down below and I had me the best seat in the house.
"Then, suddenly, I find myself hurdlin’ down this tunnel at incredible speed, towards the brightest light I ever seen.
" I’m thinking, 'No! Wait a minute! Not now! Stop!'
"Why? Because just before I went sailin’ down that tunnel, I saw what looked like the whole rebel army, just off to the west, formin’ up into lines.
"The attack! And now I was goin’ to miss the whole show!
"Then, as I’m approachin’ that incredible bright light, I saw somethin’ that struck me cold with terror.
"Granny Fontaine!
"You can laugh, but I’ll tell you straight; I’d rather face the whole rebel army with nothin’ but a jack knife and a willow switch than to take on that old woman!
"I reckon as I’ve told you I was a mischievous boy in my day. Well that old woman seemed to catch me out at near everything I ever done. She’d latch onto my ear with those old bony fingers of hers an’ pull. Hard!
"And that was just t’warm up!
"She’d grab onto one of my ears and drag me into the house, and then she’d light into me with Pa’s razor strap.
"Then, to top it off, she’d put me down on my knees and tell me to pray for the salvation of my eternal soul.
"Sometimes I’d be kneelin’ there prayin’ away for nigh on an hour.
"No, I’m ashamed to admit it, but when that old woman finally up and died, I figured that at last all my prayers had been answered.
"But then, there she was! Standin’ right there a-waitin’ for me!
"Lord, my ears hurt just t’look at her!
"She was smilin’ at me, her arms stretched out, no doubt to welcome me to join her in the hereafter.
"Well, I was havin’ none of that. I just ducked under them arms and ran, lookin’ for the exit.
"Now I don’t pretend to understand what happened next. Things happened. I knew they were happenin’, but I didn’t know how they were happenin’.
"Still don’t, if you must know.
"It’s a curious thing, but there it is.
"First off, I knew I was makin’ my escape from the hereafter. I knew this was an important decision, one I’d have to live with for a long time, maybe even for all eternity. But I also knew in my heart that I wasn’t ready to leave this world yet, and that I just had to get back to it if I could, and damn the consequences.
"Then, bam! Just like that, there I was.
" I was back at Gettysburg, floatin’ above the field of battle. The Rebs were still linin’ up there to the west, our men were, near as I could tell, right where they’d been when I been taken off on my ride down that tunnel.
"I reckon time doesn’t work in the hereafter like it does down on Earth.
"Then, all of a sudden, the guns stopped.
"I looked to the west and saw movement. The Rebs! They’d commenced to marchin’ right at us!
"Lord, but that was a magnificent sight! Fifteen thousand men, banners flyin’, bayonets gleamin’ in the sun, marchin’ across the fields…it looked like God himself couldn’t stop that tide.
"And it was headed right at Henry Clay and the regiment!
"The Rebs must have marched but two hundred yards when our guns opened up. With the Rebs all packed together in that open field, our guns couldn’t miss. Seemed like every shell was knockin’ down Rebs ten at a blow.
But Johnny Reb always was one brave soldier.
"They may’ve been the enemy, but that doesn’t take a thing away from their courage. No, our shells’d hit that line, men would fall down dyin’ or just be blown to pieces and the rest of the company would just close up the line and keep on comin’.
"Not runnin’ neither, just marchin’ forward.
"Like they was on the parade ground.
At about a hundred yards, our boys opened up with their rifles. It was like a strong wind hit them Rebs and they just collapsed before it.
"But they didn’t stop. More of ‘em just stepped up and they kept comin’ on until they closed up about thirty yards.
"Then they let out with that horrible rebel yell.
"Lord, the beasts of Hell themselves couldn’t chill a man’s bones colder’n that sound. It was like the scream of a thousand demons, and it was a brave man that could hold his ground in the face of it.
"I’m ashamed to say it, but at that sound, some of our boys just up and ran.
"See, Bobby Lee’s plan was to put all fifteen thousand of his men into an attack on just one narrow spot in the Union line. He reckoned that he could split our line in two and then just roll it up.
" It almost worked too. Some of our boys heard that unholy yellin’ and just took flight. But there was more where they came from, and from all around, blue uniforms came a-runnin’ to the sound of the guns.
"Watchin’ all this, my blood was up! I didn’t think about it; I just lit into the fray!
Soon as I touched down, I bent to pick up a rifle. Well, I guess you can predict what happened next. My hands slipped right through that rifle and I couldn’t get a grip on it for tryin’.
"Just then I look up and there was a rebel soldier comin’ right at me! He was a tall lanky fellow with a greasy lookin’ beard that came near down to his chest. His clothes weren’t what you could rightly call a uniform, they were all in a tatter, and he didn’t even have shoes on, but he was grinnin’ an evil grin and comin’ at me like he was the devil himself.
"Lookin’ back on it all, I remember all these details, but right then all I was seein’ what that bayonet on the end of his rifle and how it was pointed right at my chest!
"I held up my hands in front of me and screamed and then…well then he ran right through me! Didn’t even know I was there! He ran right on by and commenced to grapplin’ with a soldier behind me!
"Well that was somethin’.
"I was sorely shocked by the experience, but I didn’t have time t’reflect on the matter, because just then, somethin’ else caught my eye.
"It was Henry Clay!
}He was wrestlin’ some rebel that had grabbed onto his rifle. Worse than that though, I saw, comin’ on behind him, another Reb, his rifle raised like a club, fixin’ to stove in Henry Clay’s skull!
“'Henry!' I yelled, 'Behind you! Look out!'
"Henry spun around, not lettin’ go of his rifle, bringin’ that Reb he was rasslin’ around with him. The fellow comin’ in from behind missed with his swing and ended up clubbin’ his own man in the shoulder.
"That gave Henry Clay possession of his rifle which he then used to clobber both them rebels upside their heads.
"From that moment on I vowed I would be lookin’ after my brother for the rest of his days.
" It was shortly after that incident the rebel attack ended.
"It wasn’t any organized thing, no bugle sounded retreat; no one shouted any orders. The Rebs just stopped comin’ forward and commenced to movin’ back to their own lines. There was no panic. Nobody ran. They just slowly started makin’ their way across them fields where so many of their comrades lay wounded or dead.
"We’d won that day, but watchin’ them Rebs retreat didn’t leave me feelin’ all that triumphant.
" No, a body couldn’t look at those men, slowly trudgin’ back to their lines, without a-feelin’ a cold lump of sorrow settle in his heart.