Review for Ariel
This is a review of FanFiction.Net - Shades of Lust, a Ghost Hunt fanfic... I was asked to read it the night of the 10th but i said...
so instead i am making a review on the 11th with random fitting Sailormoon screencaps...because it makes no sense.
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Chapter 1...
The lead in is a little confusing... the lack of quotation marks doesn't help, as English in italics tends to mean thought and there are two voices. I would put the other voice in "italics in quotes" so the reader can more easily visually distinguish them. But we all know I'm crazy.
Nice retort by Lin! "This is private property and you’re sexually harassing our employee." Lin FTW!
Nice use of dialogue even if Lin couldn't follow it when she sees him looking at the bag and says her apartment is worse. Kudos on not saying outright that there is more stuff there!
Great line: "Mint, in his opinion, was a comforting tea that had a heavenly scent, and since he was the one making it, it was his preference that mattered." I also love the teacups used only is something is very wrong as a warning to Naru.
I love the glimpses into Naru and Lin's thoughts and how Naru basically went through the situation exactly as Lin sort of expected and as the readers came upon things (Mai there, Lin with Mai, mint tea, the hated cups...) and the result was rather what Lin had hoped..eventually.
Also points for Lin breaking character appropriately to snap at Naru to make him stop and think.
End of Chapter 1: I love it so far, it's hard for me to keep track of names, but that's because I haven't seen much ghost hunt. Well written, unlike most fanfiction (why do you think I rename and redefine all my characters to turn fanfiction into plain old fiction?). Some parts are a little repetitive, as if the reader may have forgotten the shattered vase and the chocolates, for example. It's not a bad repetitive, but keep an eye on such things, and remember to respect your reader and their intelligence.
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10-26-07
Okay, I read the remaining 8 chapters in one go (took forever though, I VTOed and got home around 11, it's now after 2...)
There will be no screencaps and the comments will come in no particular order...
The thing that sticks the most in my mind is John succumbing was way too rushed or something. The only thing I can think of was it seemed like he *told* us he could only think of the kiss, and his vows, and then succumbed. May have been more powerful if we heard his internal dialogue more. Repetition in a situation like this can be very powerful. [off topic entirely, my spell check is trying to correct the word "dialogue" in the penultimate sentence to "dialog" or "dialogs"... weirdos.]
Funnily enough, when Lin explained to himself why her shoulder wouldn't work, I just knew he'd give her a hickey on her neck. Hrmm...
I did like what to me was a twist, countering hate-lust with love-lust. It was awesome! Because of my own novel and the scenes with John, I was assuming the counter to lust would be either chastity (wasn't sure how to weave a spell out of that) or pure love (in which I think Mai would have had to admitted who she truly loved way sooner).
The explanations of how lust works were intriguing and I may have to steal bits of them for Sinta Palsu a.k.a. Luxuria, the girl in my story with lust powers. ;)
Some parts had me laughing out loud, like W-san apparently believing the lie that Mai had had an exam nightmare, Mai going trying to get the dream lady to take the stupid chair, the bio answer --> hug was great, the psychic vs reading the newspaper, etc. But what REALLY took the cake was “Would you try anything with a priest looking at you with disappointment?” :D
Monk and Lin pretending (one-sidedly) to make out was priceless and well done. And very effective for scaring off nosy schoolboys.
I like how each of them has an internal (or external) pseudo-conscience that pulls them out of the kiss. Especially when one thinks that grandkids might be nice and another is annoyed that John figured it out so fast because he wanted to chat. It's like their internal strength is external.
I wish I knew who Y-san was before going into it, his role confuses me. I will probably search for a character bio after this.
Dirty Dancing was a nice touch, we have the 2 disc CD set and the movie. Nice job tying it to her dreams too :P
On diction...overall you have excellent word choice, but when you describe the stolen kisses you tend to use words I'd expect from a Harlequin romance in the bargain boxes at a library discard sale, like "plundered her mouth."
Was it a page-turner? I dunno, but I started the water for the pool (normally 30-60 minutes fills it more than enough for the pump) before starting and neglected to set the timer and only realized AFTER I finished the story that the pool had been running for like 3 hours. Well, the aloe on that side of the yard are watered, I hope they don't mind a little chlorine -_-;
All in all, bravo! Three cheers for actually well done fanfiction AND shipping AND a story about lust that wasn't, you know, erotic. When will chapter 10 be up?