Blog

It is 31st May today, and it would have been the 59th wedding anniversary for nanu-nani if they were alive. It has been a while since we lost them, but sometimes it doesn't feel so long ago and that can make it hard to come to terms with it. Those are often evenings with 'simple living and high thinking' or it's just hard to come to terms with losing people you've seen so much growing up. It may be cuz I often dream about them, their lives and it becomes hard waking up to the fact that they're not there anymore.

You see, when you're stupid kids, you don't understand how things work, everything for you is about having fun, it is about getting the next chocolate, you may love people but you don't appreciate their lives, how your actions affect them, the way they go about things, the fact that everything is momentary, and these people that you love so much today and who throw their lives at you may not be there tomorrow. You can chalk all of the former to innocence or plain ignorance, but that's what happens. They tried to tell me that living and dying is part of it, but I did not want to believe it or go there. At the time, it just felt such a distant possibility. It is not as if I have any regrets, it is just that you miss them.

People think that as you grow big (and older), you don't care as much, that you suddenly become brave, that things affect you less than they did as a kid, that you have the answers for everything, and that you don't need to be taken care of because you can take care of yourself. But the truth is that you're as scared on the inside as you were when you were a little kid; you understand that everything around you is just useless and pointless nonsense and you secretly look for your mother to take care of you and save you from all of it. You wish that you could just run to her and she would somehow make everything okay. After all, what and how much do we need in life for all of it to be okay? But the song keeps playing and you keep humming to its tune (if not dancing to it).

Sukrit

31/05/2025

Often times I find myself rambling about obscure (but sometimes interesting) concepts. One such idea is from the movie 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' starring Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet. Allow me to digress a bit and talk about Jim Carrey and his range of acting skills. Jim Carrey, I thought, was only capable of doing loud and outlandish roles, but then he has movies like the above (and the 'The Truman Show' besides others). A truly versatile actor!

Coming back to the movie and its idea of having a machine that lets you forget about a selected set of people. How about a machine that lets you forget people not just romantically, but forgetting shit people in general. There are so many people who you've met and will likely never meet again but who have left you with terrible memories. 

1. Doesn't it make sense to get rid of anything they brought to your life? 

2. At the same time, isn't it okay to be a bit jaded and cautious of people in general, lest you make the same mistakes with people again? 

I often find myself at these crossroads. As humans, we meet all sorts of people, but if we are suspicious of everyone and everything, we stop empathising with people or really connecting with them. I mean, if you cannot crack jokes or have fun with people, then why connect with people at all? I do not like to be careful of what I say/express. I do not like to network with people. This is one of the reasons I felt I was best suited for an academic job (not vice versa), but an academic role has its own people related challenges. 

1. How do you deal with a subset of students/people who don't want to do anything? 

2. How do you deal with your colleagues who are treated like Gods but who are in reality very insecure, selfish and greedy folks? The problem isn't the latter (but the former).

It brings back my UG days in my mind where I had a singular anthem to deal with all of this. Since it is a bit on the ashleel side, I will just use its Hindi acronym 'BNM' which roughly translates to 'No fucks given'. 

;)

Best,

Sukrit

The weather has been unusually stormy for an April and what was a hot sweltering summer, made worse by the lack of grown trees or covered paths on our university campus, has been turned into pleasant evenings to loiter around campus. The swift winds and rainfall have caused several trees to swirl and bend, while some have given in and fallen prey to the moods of the skies. We had one Moringa (or drumstick) tree at our house that was a few years old and had grown quiet tall. Besides its gentle shade and pretty, symmetrical leaves, its leaves had their medicinal properties (which were dried, ground and consumed). 

A few weeks ago, there was a fierce storm at night and our beloved tree broke off from very near to the ground. The whole episode was saddening and our gardener told us that the thing was a goner. I was sad for a few days, but like other things in life, I got busy and moved on. My mother, however, it seemed made it a point to bring the now wooden stump back to life. So while I would water, trim and care for other plants around, she would spend time and talk to the wooden stump everyday. Now, I am all up for bringing things back to life but the thing was so badly gone that the whole situation seemed hopeless and Maa's persistence seemed a bit stupid and later ridiculous. One day, I saw a common weed growing near to the tree's stump and when I was about to remove it, she stopped me from doing it saying that she let it grow so that it could give her beloved tree some company. Finding it both stupid and funny, I laughed it off and went ahead.

It has been more than twelve weeks since. And, well, guess what is green again? The tree's stump had a small green offshoot coming out of it this morning. And my mother made it a point for me to see it. 

Apparently, it lived again. 

Cheers,

~Sukrit
05/05/2025

Today, I am going to write something different. I am aware of the recent case of the death of a student at our institute (by suicide) and it is quite distressing. I can say that I (somewhat) understand the stress of academic life, I understand the desperation when nothing is working out (and it seems that there is no hope), the feeling of being left behind when everyone else seems to be doing well (magnified by their flashy and uber happy lives on social media), and how everything seems like an endless, pointless, mind numbing exercise. However, I am still unable to fathom the depths that it can go to and force a person to take such an extreme step. 

I don't know if any of you read this, but I am going to give away a part of me that will help you understand what I always advocate. There was a student who was constantly depressed (and on medicines) because he wondered if he was in the right place (IIT) because no matter what he tried he always scored a poor GPA. I had just started working at Ropar and he often visited me to understand if he should appear for JEE again, join an NIT and then probably compete with people (he felt) he had a chance against. Things got so bad at one point that he brought his parents with him and asked me what he should do with his life. His chief complaint, 'I studied so hard, I did everything, but still I got a GPA of X. With this GPA how would I get a job; I wouldn't even be allowed to sit for placement; how would I earn a living; what would my parents do?'. Now, you should know that I have no magic potions, I do not always have the right words to put out and calm folks. However, at this instance, I had an idea and as I was simply sitting in front of my desktop, I rotated my screen and flashed my UG marksheet and showed it to him, pointing to my grades for the semester which he was enrolled in. My GPA was considerably lower than his (I didn't even study at an IIT, BTW LOLOL). That probably calmed him down a bunch and I haven't seen him since. 

I have no magical words for you, I have no out of the world advice, nothing. I just have some experience (which came with the years) which tells me that 'it will be okay', and most of the things will suck for a while, but it will be okay. I used to be a generally sad person, then someone asked me to pretend to be happy, to get the nicest haircut, dress in my best clothes and walk as if I don't have a care in the world. I did that, it seemed to work, and after a while I forgot to pretend. Like why should I/you be unhappy?  

1) Have a bad GPA -> work hard and try to improve it -> be happy that you're doing everything you could; or 

2) Have a bad GPA but about to graduate -> then own it and live with it (it won't matter after a couple of years anyway) -> work hard at your work/next thing you do; 

3) Have a bad GPA but cannot improve it (happens, and it is okay) -> then learn and enjoy what you can while you can -> graduate (with a little effort) -> get a decent job -> plan the rest of your life;

4) Like someone (romantically) -> Tell them -> See if they reciprocate -> If yes, have fun -> If no, pick up the pieces of your broken heart and wait till you're better again;

5) Dating someone -> Having fun -> Keep having fun and make sure they're also having fun -> Probably end up together (a bunch of folks do!); and

6) Dating someone -> Not having fun -> Wonder why you're not having fun (and if you're the reason) -> Try to be better and have fun -> If you're not the reason, time to call it quits -> Try to be happy on your own/find someone else. 

The point is to be happy. I am sorry about how complex things seem these days, but don't fall for the fluff, don't fall for things that snake oil peddlers on social media have been trying to sell you. Your life does not have to be perfect, you do not need to own a fancy car/villa to be happy, you do not need to be a topper to be happy, do not need to look perfect to be happy, do not need to have a vacation at an exotic location to be happy (I am myself more of a home body, watching movies and sleeping kinda guy), do not need to retire early to be happy, and most of all money usually does not translate to happiness. Do not set up goal posts to achieve before you can let yourself be happy. Like, you do not need to be at the top of the mountain before you can be happy, you can be happy now, like right now, and climb the mountain while being happy. 

If you're feeling sad persistently, seek help, professional help. It is okay to do so, and it really helps. 

Cheers,

~Sukrit

Major life update: I had been suffering from a persistent headache for a while that I had been ignoring, but it turned out to be a major health issue. Underwent brain surgery to relieve it. Yes, the whole shebang. Have been bedridden for over three weeks now. As I lay switching and shuffling in bed, night after night, unable to sleep, continuously in a haze, pondering about what has happened, and how to get on, I know that it will be okay. I read stories, articles, and personal tragedies, I see first hand accounts of people suffering and brood about things that need to be done at a broad level to improve lives. Where do I go from here? Where does my work go from here? Will I ever be good enough to be able to get things done again? We seem to have such short lives with so many problems, what problems do we tackle? More importantly what problems can we tackle meaningfully? What problems do we solve? What can I as an individual do that will make a difference? How do you deal with individuals in your organization that are soulless, and not only do not do anything but have been emboldened to the extent that they will not even let you do your work?

One thing is certain, I am more determined and am going to be more careful (but more relentless) as far as the work I do and the research problems that I try to solve are concerned. The goal is to target solving problems that can translate into use cases for clinical practice. The Indian academia is beautiful in the sense that you can take it easy as far as publications are concerned, so there is no hurry to publish (and I am not one who will publish incomeplete/substandard work), but to pick up quality problems. 

On the personal front, it is also time to slow down a little. It is time to start enjoying time with Devanshi and our families, it is time to make that trip to Dharamshala, maybe explore places that we've also wanted to go for, get back to reading, running, cycling and music (okay, all four are hard, maybe pick two ;-)). But seriously, what is the rush? 

Chin up. 

~Sukrit

16 March, 2025

While it is common to encounter dubious personalities in everyday life, some people are just genuinely clueless. I will put down a couple of such encounters over the past few years that I often reminisce and chuckle. 

1) One time, several years ago, when I was a PhD student in Singapore I was at the airport taking a flight back home. Apparently I had carried a couple of kilos of excess luggage and the airline asked me to either reduce it or pay up additional baggage charges (which were exorbitant, BTW). I was distraught and started searching for things to remove from my luggage. Just then a woman (Indian origin, probably in her mid thirties) and her son (who was probably seven-eight years old) saw me and she asked me what the matter was. I told her my predicament and we talked about our respective destinations. I told her that I was pursuing my PhD in Singapore and she ecstatically told me that she also held a PhD and was a professor at an NIT in India. Till then, things were cool. She then proceeded to suggest that in order to avoid the extra luggage charges, I should pack my things neatly again and fold my clothes more tightly so that they occupy less space. At first, I couldn't believe what she said, then I had a massive grin (unable to control it, sorry) and then told her that the idea won't help. She went one step further and told me to at least give it a try!

In the end, she was gracious enough to carry some of my stuff with her to India and then parcel them. 

2) The second incident is more recent. Devanshi gifted me a telescope for my birthday earlier this year. And while we have been watching planets and things with it in Ropar, we decided to go one step further and take it to Dharamshala for sky gazing (hoping for clearer skies). So we are in the resort, it is our last evening there, and I decide to set up the whole thing on the roof. The sky was not super clear that night, so we were still trying to figure out what to look at. As soon as we're done, a set of 3-4 families come up to the terrace with their kids. Now, the kids are superexcited and they think that I am one of the hotel staff appointed to show them the sky. I am a little concerned that they may damage the telescope in the process, but go with it anyway. So the kids are lining up to see the objects one by one and the adults also join them. They're looking in the telescope and trying to make sense of things, when one lady remarks 'this thing is too small, what is this?'. Devanshi explains to her that the object is Mars. So the woman grabs her phone and Googles an image of Mars, shows the screen to me and remarks 'I don't understand, if I can see Mars so well on my phone, why would I buy a telescope?'. Eureka moment! I have my grin back on, I look at Devanshi, she looks at me, and before I say something, Devanshi says softly 'what you're seeing in your phone is a static picture of Mars' and quietly whisks off the confused woman.

Will add more when I encounter more of these. 

Cheers,

Sukrit

I think it is important to make some jokes, lest life gets too boring. Life can be dull if you do not find humor in everyday mundane things. Usually these silly jokes are what keep you going. 

We have a small car that Devanshi drives occasionally. She drives it sparingly and therefore the battery has been giving us some trouble for the past few weeks. I try to avoid that vehicle like the plague, but Devanshi is successful in prodding me to get it started so that she can use it once in a while. This jump start involves someone pushing the car while the other person plays with the gears to start it. It was on one of these days when I came home for lunch with a friend (and a colleague) when I was tasked with taking the car out for a spin so that its battery charges up a bit. This friend in question has a tender back that was giving him trouble recently. 

When we went down to get the car started, he didn't know how to drive it to get it started, so he insisted on pushing it. The car started after a few back and forths. We went to the office in it and just to make sure that the battery works, I turned it off and started it again. It turned on without a hassle and I went to work with a big smile. 

In the evening, I wanted to go home as usual and the damn thing won't start. I figured that there was enough energy in the car battery to start only once. And I used (wasted) it in the afternoon with my trial start. On my (long) journey back home, I was reminded of Aamir Khan's scene from the movie Andaz Apna Apna where he fires Mr. Crime Master Gogo's gun to check if there are bullets in the gun only to find that there was a single bullet in the gun's chamber (and he had already fired it). 

On the other front, the friend has been cursing me for breaking his back and has sworn to never eat at my place again. 

One stone, multiple birds. 

 Cheers,

~Sukrit

As I sit gazing at the night sky, I am aware of the day it is today. It is her birthday today. I hope that she's doing well, wherever she is. Things ended on such a poor note that I couldn't contact/speak to her for these past years. As I reminisce the sorrow and grief all of it plunged me into and try to fathom the things that I overcame during that period, I wonder if I would be able to do it all over again. 

I have been wondering the past few days as to what I should write about when it comes to her. It is hard to write, because everything that I write about her is a repetition of what has been already said/written before. It may not be in the public domain, but it exists. It all feels so unnatural and, to be frank, pointless. It has always been pointless. And although things are cool now, and I do well on most of the days, I will go ahead and talk about things. I will reproduce something that I wrote a long time ago:

I watched the Bollywood movie Kabhi Kabhi a decade ago. It impacted me for a while, putting me into a deep thought about the multidimensional nature of life and its encounters. How can one human being mean so much to another? And does life stop without that one human being? And more importantly, does life change drastically with that one human being? And as I sit down to quietly reminisce about the times with her, I am filled with this feeling of being comfortably numb, this resignation that life has become. It would be fascinating to explore these questions further, but I am not in that phase tonight. Today should be about celebrating the love that we humans are capable of giving, the suffering that we are capable of enduring for folks that we love and the ability to forgive that comes along with it. It reminds me of a poem I wrote a while ago. Now when I read it, the poem seems kinda funny because of the way things finally turned out. 

The day is finally here,

And I have made the journey.

It seems as if my eyes have waited for this evening for a lifetime.

I stand on the ridge, turn off my motorcycle and turn the blinkers on,

In the distance, I can see the sun go down behind the mountains,

And I know that it is okay to get in touch with you now,

That it is safe to tell you that I have come to take you away,

And there is one less reason for us to suffer in this life.

I text you and you immediately respond,

You had been waiting for me, as anxious as I was.

I simply ask you about your location and how tired you were,

You are home and are not particularly tired,

I tell you that I had sent some stuff with a friend who was visiting your town,

And ask if you could please go and collect it personally.

You first jumped at the idea and told me off and then said that you're coming up,

I was happy.

In the 10-15 minutes that had elapsed, the sun had set and the only orange was from the blinkers of my motorcycle.

There was a faint light from the street light far away, but nothing more.

And then I saw a slight figure come up the path,

Pacing nervously.

And when the figure came closer, I shouted your name.

And the figure drew closer to me.

And the figure shouted my name,

And the figure leapt at me,

And the figure hugged me,

And the figure wouldn't let me go,

And the figure called me an idiot, a nincompoop, and other endless names,

And the figure asked me why I do things the way I do,

And the figure didn't care about the answer,

And the figure told me that she hated me,

And the figure sobbed but she wouldn't let me go,

And when the figure was tired, the figure again asked me why I do things the way I do.

And I finally whisper ‘People who have suffered extraordinarily, need to be loved extraordinarily’.

I reproduced this here, hoping that it reminds you of this person whose presence made it all worth it and whose absence made you restless. I also hope that your restlessness is not eternal.

Regards,
Sukrit

We have been travelling for the past week or so. In my opinion, I have been to quite a few places and am satiated with places that I have seen, with very little enthusiasm to see more. My usual logic has been that I don't like urban spaces a lot and other places are a permutation (or sometimes a combination) of hills, plains and beaches. And I am right to a certain extent about both, but sometimes the world surprises me. 

I was in Paris for a few days and although I have seen the type architecture before, the scale of it is mesmerizing. The architecture, the idea behind a whole generation of people being dedicated to art and still being able to manage their living, each building steeped in centuries of history, being occupied by someone big or small year after year, generation after generation, was just eye opening. It is also hard to wonder about all that we missed in India because of the centuries of colonialism. 

From Paris, we travelled to Switzerland. I don't say this often and few things move me as much, but I was awestruck. When you're a child, you see a car for the first time and you're happy; you see a mountain for the first time and you're excited to explore what lies on it; you see the ocean for the first time and you wonder what all it holds within. As you grow older, you have fewer experiences that are firsts. Switzerland is an experience of firsts. There are no pictures on the internet that can do justice to this place. And no pictures that I can share with you that will make you feel what you'll feel when you're here. It is truly an unparalleled experience. 

I was also discussing with Devanshi on how privileged (and lucky) we were to be able to come here and experience this and how all trips anywhere, fall flat in front of this. All of this and only one regret/wish. Wanted to bring Maa along. She would have found some peace in this place. 

Cheers,

Sukrit

03/07/2024

As I was cycling around the fields in Ropar, passing by a narrow lane in a local village in the sweltering heat today, hot winds blowing on my face and almost dislodging the khakee cap on my face, my memory took me back to the many summers spent at my grandparents' place. I feel, missing my grandparents and the time spent with them has sort of become a theme for me (and my brother and mother). As I go on with life, there are multiple things that happen during the day that remind me of them and the times spent with them.

As I remember my days with them, I also cannot prevent myself from thinking about the present status. In this age of students being pressed to do more and more academically; I often wonder how this affects their personal growth, whether they spend time with their family or even with themselves. I feel it is very important to also learn to not do anything; to learn to be content; to enjoy spending time with your family and friends; to be able to lie down under the shade of a tree, eat mangoes and get your clothes dirty; to not worry about the latest trend that is going on over social media and just live in the moment and enjoy this moment instead of trying to capture it on your camera.

Social media platforms have put us in a race to be the best looking, to go to the most exotic place, to get the fanciest job, to earn more than our peers and to be connected to more people than anyone else. But why? Have we ever thought that we may not need any of the above to be happy? There are folks who only work for money. You would need insane amounts of money to be able to afford something substantial in today's world and a mere step up from your current position at work won't make that happen. Knowing this, it is kinda funny how people spoil years of their lives to get that promotion. 

I feel the whole idea that social media is able to screw us over is because of our tendency to want to have something to look forward to in our lives. And it is human to want to look forward to something in life. It can be as small as a silly notification on one of these apps or knowing what some acquaintance is doing. Very addictive, but pointless. But you could learn to look forward to reading the newspaper or talking to a friend or thinking of a silly joke and looking for an opportunity to crack it (probably the last one's just me). Then your life would probably be about making these small things to look forward to, but these will be things that make you happy and not just make you anxious.

I always feel that as people grow up, they get too serious about life, curb themselves unnecessarily and don't say/do things that they always wanted to do. We chase unnecessary things, get old, but still don't get closer to where we wanted to be. I want to tell you, that it is okay to only have a few people (that really mean something to you) around you, do a job that (may pay less but) really makes you happy, and not have the fanciest car but manage to spend time with folks that make you happy.

Cheers,

Sukrit

22/05/2024

It has been a while since I have written anything. At least, I haven't written anything that is not academic in nature. Despite my crazy schedule these past few months, I had a chance to rewatch the movie Jab We Met and found it to be as cool as I did the time before. I have this annoying habit of rewatching movies that I like every few years. Every few years, life gives you some new experiences and then you connect at a different level with these movies, derive new meanings from them (some probably unintended) and have fun.

It's been a few months since I got married and it has been fun mostly. Actually, it has always been fun. And why wouldn't it be fun? When there are two people who don't take themselves too seriously, who are busy with their work and who know that they should enjoy the time they spend with each other, things would mostly be fun? Well, not exactly. I believe the reason we have fun is how cool she is. She is the most kind, loving and forgiving person there is. I lose my temper now and then or stay at work far too late or watch too much Youtube, but she puts up with all of it. I think the worst thing she has to put up with are my jokes. Oh my jokes! I think she finds them funny, but at the same time she first feels sorry for me and then for her life. I will narrate a few events for you from the past several months.

Incident 1: Since I took up a faculty position, I have been invited to give a few talks here and there. Besides the usual stuff you get at such events, you get a small momento and so on. One such talk was at my alma mater, PEC. I got a momento for the same and I had lovingly placed it on my bedside table. Then one day I forgot to close the bedroom window and left for work. While I was working, she called me to say how a pigeon has entered my room and she is trying to get rid of it with a broom. I laughed, I mean it was kinda funny. Then she dropped me a message saying that she got rid of the pigeon after half an hour of playing hide and seek with it. When I came back home in the evening, I saw a wicked smile on her face. While I was wondering about the things I may have messed up in the day earlier, she said with a chuckle that the pigeon pooped on only one thing in the entire house: my beloved momento. 

Incident 2: I bought a pair of binoculars while I was in Germany a couple of years ago. Since I spent some money on them, I try to put them to use even in situations where they're unnecessary. And they're mostly unnecessary. I also wonder how much better one can see with them. One day during the spring, I was walking home for lunch and I could see our apartment's balcony. Deciding to play with her a bit, I asked her to come to the balcony and wave to me. She did so. Then I asked her to get the binoculars and tell me if she can see me any clearer. She did it reluctantly and I could feel her getting irritated. I tried to push my luck further and said on the phone, 'if you can see me clearly through the binoculars, can you tell me how many fingers I am holding?'. That did it. 'You know I have important meetings and you have me counting your fingers on your hand in the balcony!? Do you want to eat today or want to turn back?' The rest of the afternoon was spent quietly.

Incident 3: Someone was getting married one time and they had a hashtag for the whole thing printed on their invites. I never thought about it when it was our turn (and anyway find the whole hashtag deal quite corny and unnecessary). However, we started brainstorming what we would do if it was our turn again. My years of experience in giving acronyms to algorithms and models came in handy. Within no time, I came up with the coolest one: #ShItHappens. 'This captures both our names and the essence of our relationship perfectly', I said. Needless to say, she was quite baffled and did not find it amusing. However, a few weeks down the line she gifted me a fountain pen etched with the hashtag. So I win, this one? 

Sukrit

17/05/2024

Several moons ago, I had written one version of this poem. And although I wrote it keeping another human in mind, it comforted me endlessly when I needed it. It is my birthday today and as I look back at the past year and the days I have seen, I decided to write another version of it. This is probably the present that I give myself today (besides paying for the killer head massage I just had).

When you are tired of running,

And nothing seems to work.

When you feel broken,

Broken in ways you can't describe, 

Just broken.

When you wake up and feel empty,

And what you need, 

Is what eludes you.

When nothing makes sense,

And words, alcohol, nothing comforts you.

And when you struggle alone,

Spiraling out endlessly,

Going through days in a daze,

Too tired to fight, 

Too experienced to give up.

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself,

You get up and get going.

For life goes on, 

For life is worth living,

And when you look for permanence,

In this ever changing world,

You tell yourself that you came here alone,

And you shall go alone.

And only change is the constant in between.

And when people go, people will also come.

Sukrit

11/12/2022  

I lost naanu (maternal grandfather) last week. He had been suffering from dementia for the past 6 years. He was my last surviving grandparent.

As you grow older, you meet several people who influence your being. However, people you have grown up around, your teachers, your parents, your grandparents often leave an indelible mark on you. Besides my father, naanu was one of the few men who I knew as a child. While the two men share similarities in many aspects, they couldn't have been more different in other aspects. Both of them are fair and honest, bear a liberal outlook and have a progressive mindset towards society and customs. However, unlike my father, naanu was a person who was very satisfied with his life. He was a man of habit and his life revolved around the hands of the clock: Breakfast + Newspaper at 8:00 AM, off to work at 9:00 AM, back for lunch at 1:00 PM and then off to work plus visit to the farm after a couple of hours of sleep, sleeping time was fixed at 9:00 PM (and later changed to 10:00 PM upon protests by naani and us). I cannot recall any occasions, besides a couple, when I have seen him eat out; shout at me or anyone else (the former being especially hard); or have an argument with naani in the 25 years I was there to see them. To be fair, all the credit for the latter shouldn't just go to him. My naanu and naani understood and accepted each others' faults and idiosyncrasies, they accepted the cards that life had dealt to them and went on to still live life together. If you do that with your partner, there's no need to argue with them, there's no disappointment, there's just peace and love between the two of you. They were content and they had made their peace with both life and death. In my assessment, the only people he missed all the time were his kids. I still remember, my mum had been married for several years and we were in our teens, but he would still cry when he saw her and say that he misses her. Same deal for my uncle. I often remember his sweet voice from downstairs pleading us to 'wake up, get breakfast, since it was already 9:00 AM' and then gently scolding us about the movie party we had last night. Good days, huh.

When my naani passed away in 2019, naanu's short term memory was already impaired. He would ask about her whereabouts, we would tell him that she's no more and he would bawl like a child. Then he would forget about it in some time, ask us again and start crying again. This continued for a few iterations before we decided to tell him that she's away to Kurukshetra (their home). I think he knew somewhere, somehow that she's not there anymore, but he would still pester us about going to Kurukshetra day and night. Sometimes, it was so severe that he would leave the house in a huff saying that he's taking a bus home (Kurukshetra). He didn't let anyone put a garland on her picture. In the past few months, he had stopped eating and he had stopped recognising even my mother. I think, he had sort of given up. When he passed away and I went to the place, naani's picture had a garland on it. I knew that he was somewhere, united with her, floating peacefully. That's the only solace I have from his passing away. That is enough, sometimes.

I hope you're loved,

Sukrit

24/11/2023

As I sit at my desk tonight, pondering over the past weeks and preparing for the coming ones, I glossed over the calendar and saw the date. Usually, days come and go, with you ploughing over whatever tasks you have been assigned for the day, hoping that the mountain of work will someday become manageable, but also secretly wishing that it doesn't. But today, I take a step back, sit, relax and let the numerous thoughts that want to pervade my mind take a go at it. My mind takes me to the previous year, the constant struggle to break out of the surface, being pushed down over and over again, the acceptance and the resulting calm from it. I sit back and quietly reminisce about what has been lost in the year before and about the nature of loss in general.

Life is suffering. Loss of material wealth brings temporary suffering. However, losing people, to death or to life, is another matter. There are those whose loss leaves you in pieces, but you try to carry on hoping that time will do its magic and help you forget the tiny, all pervasive details that don't let you sleep peacefully. And although you're never quite the same again, more cynical but kinder, time does make you whole again. And then there are people who you probably didn't know, who you never met, who are not in your day-to-day thoughts, who you just hear on the radio while hurriedly getting somewhere and you quietly mourn their difficult lives and the art that they created. I, sometimes, wonder whether they achieved what they did despite their suffering or because of it. You never spoke to them but you know that if you did, you'd be cool buds. This loss, this impersonal feeling that you share for someone is a constant corrosive ache, a nostalgia about losing someone that you never quite knew in the first place. When does this end? 

When I was pursuing my PhD, we had someone in our lab who used to append their emails with the wish 'God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference' and I always wondered as to what are the things in the world that I'd really want to change and won't be able to change. I think life is about finding answers to the above, learning to accept them and then continuing to be happy nevertheless.  

Cheers (indeed),

Sukrit

Although, our perception and understanding of the world are shaped by our experiences and our trained biases, there are some feelings that are universal and unite us across cultures, languages, generations and epochs of time. Love is one, then there is longing, and then there is quiet resignation and acceptance. 

As the clock goes from seconds to hours to days to weeks and to years, the storm that once brew up inside of you softens. You try to go about life quietly, without making much fuss or noise, fully aware that a piece of the puzzle is missing, aware of what the missing piece is, but also aware of your own limitations. You wonder if everyone around you carries this feeling of emptiness inside of them, but there is also some relief for the fact that you don't suffer anymore. You're just comfortably numb, floating peacefully, because struggling didn't help and now there's no need to struggle, there's no need to fight, there is just an endless space of time. And you can fill this space with meaningless mundane tasks, the universe will help you do it. You bear all of this, hoping that this is your spirit's final sojourn and after all of this there will be an end to this cycle of life and death. You hope that the fellow above shall rid your spirit and you will finally be at peace. Eternal peace.

But then on some days, you look back and you know that it didn't have to be like this, that despite everything you have been through, life could've had some meaning, you remember couplets from Sahir Ludhianvi, ... 

But then you snap out of it, drawn to the present. You smile, look at the hills and clutch your notebook of poems harder, afraid that some unknown force will take it away from you. After all, your poems are all you have sometimes. And after everything, they will probably be all you have ever had and will leave behind.

-Sukrit
30/07/2023

I am bad at small talk and therefore avoid getting involved in conversations with random strangers. However, when I do talk to people I am straightforward and honest with them. This scares some people, while others give in and open up in turn. I was attending an academic conference recently and was travelling from the conference venue to my hotel in a public bus. When I got on, I got seated next to a woman. I remained silent and was looking around, when she asked me in a heavy accent whether I was attending the conference as well. I answered in the affirmative and she told me that she was a fresh PhD student from Korea. I told her about my Korean friends and some Korean institutes that I know about. She was talking about her research, when she said something that I couldn't comprehend because of the noise and her accent. Then with her eyes looking into mine, she asked me 'if I ever thought of giving up?'. I looked back at her and confirmed whether I heard it right. I could only comfort her. I told her that I wanted to quit multiple times during my PhD and all my friends who were pursuing the program at one point or the other also felt like quitting and never coming back. I told her that this is only normal and if it becomes too much, she should seek help from mental health professionals and if that doesn't help, she should take a break. I told her that the researchers she sees on the podiums today have spent several years of their lives looking at the problems and she will also get there sooner or later. 

My bus stop was fast approaching, and I didn't want to weird her out by staying on, but when I was getting off, I thought I saw her eyes moisten up. I touched her knee and told her that it will be okay. I am aware that sometimes it doesn't feel like it will ever be okay. But it will be fine. 

-Sukrit
27/07/2023

I am leaving for a work trip to France. It is the first time that I will be in France. I was talking to a friend and they remarked on how I should be excited to eat authentic croissants and drink real French wine. I am not a big fan of either of them, but the wine comment reminded me of one of my wine related encounters in India. 

It has been a ritual in our house that if my father visits the hills in Himachal, he would buy a bottle or two (and sometimes a crate) of the wine produced by the state's marketing corporation. I am not a wine connoisseur (and am pretty sure my father isn't one either), but even I know that aged wines are better. So when I was in the hills this time around, I asked the teenager managing the shop on 'how aged the wines were'. He gave me a puzzled expression and I clarified the question. He looked at the manufacturing date and said (in Hindi)  'take this bottle, it is brand new!'.

22/07/2023

As  I was going through my stuff, I found this poem I had penned down last year.  And while everyone needs it, I felt that I need it more than anyone at the moment.

20/06/2023

Accepting the Spring
When the winter this year is over,

And the spring comes,

When everyone has had enough,

And even the cold and dry wind is tired of whirling,

When the sad, barren and empty trees,

Waiting for some sunshine finally get what they want,

When it doesn't hurt as much,

To leer at the night sky looking for someone,

And when instead of the usual cold gloomy days,

You wake up to a warm welcoming day, 

And let the fragrance of the buds fill you,

And your heart gives in and thaws.

And your aching insides plead with you that the winter is over,

And you can thaw, too.

And when you fully trust that feeling, 

When you want to run free,

And you run to find what you've been looking for,

And you find that what you have been looking for has been looking for you too,

Do not hesitate, do not run away from it,

You melt and accept the spring,

Accept the spring.

Sukrit

March, 2022

The school education curriculum needs to incorporate anti-bullying training. This is an issue of massive scale. I had a first hand experience of this recently when I decided to play cricket with some neighborhood kids (all below 10 years of age). I hadn't played for over a decade so I knew that I'd be a little rusty. They first hurt me deeply when they called me 'uncle'. When they realized that if they continue with this I won't play with them, they started addressing me as 'bhaiya'. I went ahead, generously forgiving them for their prior transgressions, but it seems like I was up for further disappointment. When we initially started playing, they fought over who will have me in their team. I felt important and valued. Upon experiencing my sporting prowess first hand, they still fought over me but only to push me out of their respective teams. Mumma had to calm me down cuz it hurt so much. Things came to a head when I caught them giggling while I was fielding one evening. I had only started to examine what it was that I was doing wrong, when one of the little rascals told me 'Bhaiya, please don't stand behind the boundary while fielding'.

These kids are not able to appreciate the wisdom and strategy that I bring to the game. Will try with the next generation now.

Cheers,
Sukrit

I am not into traveling and I am definitely not a foodie. But I have an affinity for the hills and for the people from the hills. The hills have, in turn, made my life special. It is, therefore, that the indiscriminate mushrooming of buildings and the loss of the trees pain me. However, every visit to the hills is still special.

It was on one of these trips to the hills with my parents that we went to this restaurant that was suggested by a family friend. When we reached the place, we had to confirm whether this was indeed the place because of its no frills appearance. There were 3-4 tables where we could sit, the kitchen was in the front and the washing area was in the back. To be frank, if we hadn't driven the few miles to reach the place and didn't have the strong recommendation, we would have probably vanished.

As we ate the simple and delicious food, I talked to the fellow who was serving us. He spoke very softly to the old man who was serving us. I realized that it was a father-son duo and the mother was sitting in the front. The son spoke fluent English and told us that he'd worked in five star hotels in Chandigarh for 10-12 years before deciding to come back and stay with his parents. On the walls of their establishment, they had multiple framed pictures of letters/post cards from their customers over the years. Among all these pictures of testimonials, there were pictures of the husband and wife duo standing in front of their restaurant, behind the pans and pots, proudly, year after year. It was not even a big place, and some of the city folks would probably be coy to even acknowledge that they own it. But for the three of them, it appeared that this restaurant and these testimonials were everything, it was what they had built in this life. It was simple, and yet so intense. 

As I conveyed my gratitude for the food, I began wondering that we (or probably most of the people I know) have been focusing on learning to fight, achieve and conquer. And those are important for our survival. But this simplicity, this contentment, this ability to leave everything behind, go back and just be able to sit back and enjoy what you have is very important in life. Sometimes, we should just sit in our tiny little chairs, look around and feel happy for what we have built and the people that we have around us. 

Cheers,

Sukrit

11/03/2023

I recently had this urge to reread some topics from my math curriculum. After asking my friends if they (or their kids haha) had the relevant textbooks, I went to buy them with my father. It was a typical cold evening and we went to the old bookshop which was now all clean and swanky. The owner sat in the corner aloof, coming only in the picture when it was time to pay up. We bought the two shiny editions, were charged extra one way or the other and decided to head back home.

Before we went into the car, we decided to get some roasted peanuts. There was supposed to be one hawker in the market, sitting by the side of the road. When we reached the spot, we were greeted by this brother-sister duo, both below 10 years of age. The little girl had a perpetual smile and was clearly in-charge of the place. Her teeth shone like pearls through her dark skin and she had these two ponytails with red ribbons on them. The price was 40 rupees for a quarter and 150  rupees for a kilo. While we waited for her to pack our order, I quickly asked her some questions.

'Where's your father?'

'He's away to get something to eat.'

'Do you study?'

'Yes, I am in 4th standard.'

She packed our order neatly and we paid her 80 bucks for our half a kilo. As we got up to leave, she said in the sweetest voice in Hindi, 'but you owe me only 75 rupees'. My little heart skipped a beat at the honesty of this little girl. As we headed to my car for the ride back home, I started wondering as to where we go wrong as we grow older?

Fast forward to me actually reading the math textbooks, I realized that the fellow sold me books with torn pages replaced with photocopied versions.

Sukrit
22/01/2023

We have a cat at our place here and I am kinda scared of it, because I have never been around cats. Anyway, the stupid cat never paid any attention to me before and just went around the place as he pleased. Sat on my couch and in my window when he wanted to. One evening when I was particularly sad, I went to the kitchen to get something to eat. The stupid cat, with which I have had zero interaction so far, started rubbing himself against my legs. He wouldn't leave me alone. I felt that in this country so far away where I basically have no one, this silly animal is trying to cheer me up. I started wondering if I should adopt a cat when I am back in India and making all sorts of silly plans.

In a couple of minutes one of my flat mates came into the kitchen. She saw the cat being all lovey dovey. She poured it some cat food. The little rascal ate and never looked back.

~Sukrit

March 2022 (Germany)

It is Christmas today and the day has been fun over the years. Today, I was joking with my parents that I am going to hang my stocking and they'd better tell Santa to come over.

From a young age, my parents told my brother and I to hang stockings for Santa to put presents in. We believed in Santa for several years, until someone planted the seed of doubt in our minds. I still remember the fateful night at our nani's place in Kurukshetra. My brother and I decided that we will solve this mystery of Santa once and for all. The plan was to stay awake in bed and catch the fat fellow doing the deed. However, as soon as I hit the bed, I was as usual lost in my dreams. I am a sound sleeper, but even I could figure out that there was some commotion in the middle of the night.

The next morning, my little tyrant of a brother was smiling radiantly. 'I caught mumma putting presents in our stockings'. I looked accusingly at mumma and who gave me a sheepish smile. Her gig was up.

We had our chocolates, nevertheless. It was more fun when Santa got them for us, though.

Cheers,

Sukrit

25/12/2022

I am traveling to Delhi via train today. These days, the trains have automated doors which open and close for a predefined interval (sadly no DDLJ shiz possible now).

On my way, the train stopped at Panipat, Haryana for a couple of minutes. After it left from the station, I heard loud noises from outside the compartment where I heard some Railway Police Force (RPF) personnel arguing with a fellow. I ignored it. Later someone came in and told us what happened.

Someone got in at the Panipat junction to use the washroom in the train (seriously, why though?). Before he could finish his business, the train started and he got locked inside. He pulled the chain (and thus the RPF), but the train went on. He was without a ticket obviously. He had to board another train with his family from the Panipat railway station. However, now his family will see him in Delhi because that's where the train stops next. Hopefully, they won't disown him. I know mine would (and also narrate this to anyone who'd listen for the remainder of my life).

Sukrit

08/12/2022

As you get older and you start to understand yourself and the world around you, it becomes easier to stay content and go into a cocoon. Building 'the wall' is easy, since you remain in your comfort zone. Letting go, on the other hand, makes you subject to public scrutiny and face your insecurities and is therefore much harder. 'The wall' worked for me for a while. However, sometimes things change quickly and prod you to let go. By letting go, I mean come clean about things. Today, I am going to let go a bit.

This year, I met someone really cool, smart and sensitive (and also a little crazy). We instantly clicked and I thought that in this ever transient scheme of things, I could find some permanence in her. However, life is unpredictable and sometimes downright cruel. As I went through the whole cycle that people go through when these things don't work out, I often wondered about why I needed to be made aware about this particular human's existence. It was not as if I was not jaded enough, already. 

It is her birthday today and as I write this and think about her (and miss her in the process), I remember a few sentences I wrote several moons ago:

'I am aware of the part the universe has played in my life. I have gracefully accepted the chances and the opportunities that I have been provided and deprived of. When you suffer, you also know and understand when the universe shines upon you. 

The universe brought us together. Two individuals who were floating in the infinite dimensions of time and space, mindlessly unaware of each other's existence; the universe decided that these collections of atoms need to be made aware of each other's existence. I took it as a sign that the universe wants our masses of atoms to be together. Therefore, what has transpired does not make sense to me. Why would the universe bring us together and then separate us?'

After many months of seeking answers, a wise human said, 'maybe the universe wanted your atoms to be together only for a short interval of time'. When I heard this, something clicked and it was as if something changed. I wasn't disappointed in the universe anymore. A short interval with that human is fine, I can live with a short interval. No qualms. Except one.

I am pretty confident about myself and regret very few things in life. However, as I examined this short interval, I came across one regrettable action. In what now seems to have happened in a different life, a memory from distant space and time, I recall the time when I met her and she leaned in to hug me. Silly me just gave her a cursory hug. I thought we would meet every day for the remainder of our lives. If I had known what lay ahead, I'd ...  

When you meet someone cool, cherish every moment you spend with them (I did). You don't know what the universe has planned for you. Perhaps this moment, the one right now, is the best you will ever have. 

And if possible, don't let them go.

Cheers,

Sukrit
X/10/2022

PS: Sharing with you one of my favorite songs by The Frames: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8mtXwtapX4

I was on one of my jaunts to the hills yesterday. I don't have a well set itinerary and tend to just walk around observing people and nature. After several hours of loitering, I came across two kids (a boy and a girl aged around 5-7 years) who had just gotten out of school. They were carrying their heavy bags on their backs and more material neatly packed in plastic bags in their hands. Initially, they were walking together and the girl seemed slightly older. Suddenly both of them started running and the boy took a comfortable lead. The girl starts shouting something along the lines of 'you're a cheater and you can never be trusted' in a continuous loop. She seemed sincere in her feelings of hatred and disgust. I like sincerity. I followed the two, jogging behind them (because heck I wasn't going to miss this). Now, the three of us were running on the semi busy road with the girl screaming at the little fellow. And slowly the girl started pushing herself and was catching up with the poor fellow (who it seemed would be in trouble very soon). I looked at the young boy who kept on turning and looking back in absolute horror. It would probably be something like what Anne Frank would look like if Heinrich Müller knocked on her door.

By the time she caught up, they had reached their school van. They thrust their heavy school bags and their plastic bags at the old van driver who constantly urged them to calm down. But the two struggled and disappeared on the side of the van which faced the hill. I asked the van driver uncle, 'What are these kids fighting for?'. He gave me a wide smile and said 'No biggie. Just who gets to sit in the front seat.'

Things that may seem to be of paramount importance in the present, may appear trivial in hindsight. However, some things will be important forever (no matter when you look at them).

Sukrit

26/08/2022

I was traveling to Panjim from Malvan via bus today. It had been a while since I traveled by bus and I was hoping for a quiet journey. Before leaving the hotel, mum asked me to take a water bottle with us. The bus was half an hour late and started from a different platform than the one it was supposed to. While I was seated in the packed bus, a family of four got on it. It was a mother, her two kids (a boy around 10-11 and a girl around 7 yo) and their grandmother. I gave up my seat for the grandmother. She brought her granddaughter along with her and the two of them sat on my old seat. The mother took up an empty seat in the front and only the little fellow remained standing.

The area was hilly and the road had sharp turns. But this didn't seem to bother the bus driver, who seemed to be hell bent upon competing with his counterparts from Himachal Roadways. I was flung from one place to another and the young grandson who was holding the bus strap next to mine was my companion on this roller coaster. My mother was looking at me from time to time, shaking her head wondering (and trying to make me wonder) as to why I got myself into unnecessary trouble. The little fellow was looking sad and confused and I was trying to cheer him up, telling him that he should think of this as a free ride to the amusement park. He wasn't smiling or responding, probably aware of what was about to come.

Soon the passenger seated beside my mother got off and I offered that seat to another old woman. However, since the old woman refused, I took the seat and 'adjusted' the grandson such that his back faced me and his legs were in the aisle. As a result, the grandson faced the passenger across the aisle. I asked him if he was comfortable, but he seemed to be in a daze. I was tired by now and was hoping that this marked the end of the adventure for the day.

Within 10 minutes the little chap puked all over the place. The passenger sitting across the aisle got a taste of it. I could see the sick on his bag and his clothes. The little chap was visibly embarrassed and on top of it his mum was scolding him in front of all the passengers. This reminded me of my public floggings at school. I have a weird sense of humor which often lands me in trouble (and my mother often chides me for it), but I kept on giggling throughout the episode. The other passengers seemed to be more curious about what's wrong with me instead of our little pukasaurus. I comforted the little fellow a bit (making sure my hands landed in safe zones) and handed my prized water bottle to him. He washed his hands and gave it to the puke man sitting next to him. Anyhow, after the young boy was done cleaning himself, he offered the water bottle back to me with a wide grin.

'Nope, you keep it little boy'.

Sukrit

28/05/2022

It was a cloudy and pleasant afternoon and I was going to pick up mum from work. I took one of the roads that were on my way to my old school. As I opened the window to smell the air, a strong gush of air came rushing inside, arousing memories that were buried somewhere deep inside. Memories of years long gone, years that I believe were the best years of my life, years that had many happy memories that I wish (and try to) relive again and again.

I did my schooling in Panchkula and boarded the same bus for several years. However, in ninth/tenth grade, my parents allowed me to take my bicycle to school on a few special occasions. Occasions such as the last day of exams, the last day before summer/winter vacation or the last day in the academic calendar. This small act symbolized our growing independence and made me super excited. At that age, friends were everything and there seemed nothing better than spending unsupervised time with them (usually talking nonsense). I naively believed that those friendships would last a lifetime (and some of them did) and couldn't imagine anything otherwise. I have distinct memories of wandering on our bicycles in the sunny afternoons, going from one friend's house to another. Our stops were some ordinary grocery shops where we bought some soda and chocolates. An unfortunate friend's place was converted to an unplanned pitstop where we would suddenly stop unannounced and eat (often to his and his parents' displeasure). Looking back, I recall that he tried to tell me that he didn't like this but I was too stupid to understand it.

Of course, there was a lot of talk about girls and how we almost had a girlfriend (but never quite managed to) or cracking jokes about our teachers. Since I felt that I was particularly good in the latter department, I felt it very important to be a part of these chats. My parents can attest to this by the sheer number of ass whoopings I got during the parent teacher meets.

One of my friends lived close to our school (~100m away) and his father often used to walk towards the school to pick him up in the afternoons. What an extraordinary chap (his father, not the friend)! He often laughed loudly and his eyes twinkled when he did, like he was really happy to see me. It was only later in life that I realized that there will be only a few people who would be genuinely happy to see you do well/progress/meet you. And I am still trying to find people whose eyes twinkle the same way when they see me. Several afternoons were spent at this friend's place being served condiments and sweets. 

A few months ago, I saw the friend and his father after several years. After a long chat, uncle said, 'Sukrit, I am close to being 60 years old, but seeing you guys at school were the days of my life.' I could only nod and respond, 'Mine too, uncle. Mine too ...'

Sukrit

29/07/2021