Embedded Files
16-Feb-2024
Wise men don’t need advice. Fools won’t take it.
Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
Never say no to a gift from a child.
Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything.’
The best way to get back on your feet is to miss two payments 
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground and missing.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
They don't make nostalgia like they used to.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
Our life is what our thoughts make it.
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.
Percentages don’t matter if you make it.
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
Our problem is nobody will take responsibility, but don't quote me.
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Truth has to fall on fertile soil.
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
True power is knowing you can, but you don't.
Even when the experts all agree, they may well be mistaken.
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
Words must be weighed, not counted.
There is no sin except stupidity.
Assassination is an extreme form of censorship.
Express an opinion, but send advice by freight.
Never tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.
If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?
Success is a journey, not a destination.
It is impossible to get anywhere without sinning against reason.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
You haven't a single redeeming vice.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
Do not be led astray onto the path of virtue.
It takes twenty years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it.
There is no security as comfortable as the kind you feel among old friends.
Happiness is like a sunset; it is there for all, but most look the other way.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
I hate Windows!
Take your work seriously but yourself lightly.
Statistics are no substitute for good judgment.
I came to college to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid of me.
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
We are healthy only to the extent that our ideas are humane.
An investment in knowledge pays the best interest.
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did, Your Honor.
Borrow money from a pessimist-they don't expect it back.
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
Never stop being a good person becase of bad people
Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment.
Wars are not fought to decide who is right - only who is left.
You can have peace or you can have freedom. Don't count on having both at the same time.
Why is it that women wear a pair of panties, but just one bra?
Belief is the death of intelligence.
The greatest gift is time.
Teachers have class.
Money was invented so we could know exactly how much we owe.
A wise person knows that there is something to be learned from everyone.
The meek will inherit the earth, in pine boxes six feet long.
Never underestimate the power of forgiveness.
You can be dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
Waste not fresh tears over old grief's.
Adolescence is that period of time between puberty and adultery.
Home is an invention on which no one has yet improved.
There are no secrets better kept than those secrets that everybody guesses.
History books, which contain no lies, are extremely dull.
It is double the pleasure to deceive the deceiver.
Whenever things sound easy, it turns out there's one part you didn't hear.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Knowledge is not wisdom.
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.
They have rights who dare defend them.
Death has been proven to be 100% fatal in laboratory rats.
It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
We all have enough strength to bear other people's woes.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.
Preserve the old, but know the new.
Sir, I would rather be right than President.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.
You know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Never ask a question unless the answer makes a difference.
The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary.
Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
Before engaging in a battle of wits, make sure your opponent is armed.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
I smile because I have no idea what's going on.
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.
The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions.
It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy what we have.
Men are what their mothers made them.
It's not that I'm antisocial. I just don't like you.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it Normal.
Great minds have purpose; others have wishes.
Wisdom outweighs any wealth.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
If you want more apples, plant more trees.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
No man is responsible for his father. That is entirely his mother's affair.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
The scariest words known to man: We need to talk.
Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Income is something you cannot live without or within.
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
One good turn gets the whole blanket.
And whose cruel idea was it to put an S in the word lisp?
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Freedom lies in being bold.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
I sink, therefore I swam.
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. Then things just keep getting worse.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Dream of things that aren't and ask why not. Why not?
I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
If today was perfect there would be no need for tomorrow.
He who hates vices hates mankind.
Don’t suffer from Analysis Paralysis.
A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.
The future is purchased by the present.
Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
You are not thinking. You are merely being logical
Everything we call real is made of things that cannot be regarded as real.
If practice makes perfect, and no one is perfect, why practice?
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
That restaurant is so crowed, nobody goes there anymore.
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
Every father expects his son to do what he wouldn't do when he was young.
You are not rich because of how much you have, but how much you give away.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.
Give a man a fish and I will eat today. Teach a man to fish and I will eat forever.
We had a lot of bats around here, but the mosquitos eat them all.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
Useless laws weaken the necessary laws.
We can not do everything at once, but we can do something at once.
You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
Memory serves wise commanders.
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
Only the shallow know themselves.
To see a need and wait to be asked is to already have refused.
You can't antagonize and influence at the same time.
Most people get ahead during the time that others waste.
I'm a great believer in luck. The harder I work the more I have of it.
They're only trying to make me look paranoid.
Anything that is free is worth what you pay for it.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly and I did. I said I didn't know!
Reincarnation is making a comeback.
The True object of all human life is play.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
The important thing is to not stop questioning.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
Pool is my life. My girlfriend is my hobby.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
England and America are two countries separated by the same language.
Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity.
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
Man is what he believes.
Every great achievement was once considered impossible.
When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
All our knowledge has its origins in our perceptions.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
It's but little good you'll do, watering last year's crops.
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
You can never get rid of a bad temper by losing it.
Why work for a living when you can work for a passion?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
The right to do something does not mean it is right thing to do.
Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
They washed me down like an old used car!
I am in good shape for the shape I'm in.
Charity covers a multitude of sins, but curiosity soon uncovers them again.
Politeness is to human nature what warmth is to wax.
Common sense in an uncommon degree is what the world calls wisdom.
He who fears he will suffer, already suffers because of his fear.
All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Make no judgments where you have no compassion.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.
It is easier to stay out than to get out.
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
Do more than watch.
Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.
Toothpick instructions ....................
Trifles make perfection and perfection is no trifle.
Is knowledge knowable, and how do we know?
Those who can, do. Those who can't, write.
The principal mark of genius is not perfection, but originality.
A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are the portals of discovery.
Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
To get maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big mistake.
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
If you are going through hell, keep going.
If looks could kill, You would be a weapon of mass destruction.
The attacker must vanquish, the defender need only survive.
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Things that go away by themselves can come back by themselves.
Pray to God, but don't stop rowing toward the shore.
No one will win the battle of the sexes; there is too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Life is tough, but I'm tougher.
People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that privilege.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have children.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
Observe your enemies, for they first find out your faults.
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
I won't take my religion from any man who never works except with his mouth.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one sees the stars.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not.
To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
You say no one is perfect? You must not me married!
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
Buy whatever kids are selling on card tables in their front yards.
Don't talk unless you can improve on silence.
Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
When anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
I started with nothing and got most of it left.
Sour milk don't get any sweeter.
He who is afraid of asking is ashamed of learning.
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
No matter how hard you throw a dead fish into the water, it still won't swim.
I just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Do not believe everything you hear or anything you say.
You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Learn to say no politely and quickly.
There are two tragedies in life, not to get your hearts desire and to get it.
Breaking' parts is an opportunity to buy bigger and better stuff.
Reality is for people who cannot cope with science fiction.
Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly.
History doesn't repeat itself. Historians merely repeat each other.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Last but not least, avoid cliché's like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
Torn between two. Who would you chose? The one that you love...or the one that loves you?
I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.
That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled.
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Those who know the least know it the loudest.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
u wrote me a note and it said n ss!w ! ...it didn't make sense till I turned it upside down!!
The unlucky man falls on his back and breaks his nose.
Why fit in when you were born to standout?
One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.
When left alone, problems tend to go from bad to worse.
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Psychoanalysis is the mental illness it purports to cure.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
For every axiom there is an equal and opposite reaxiom.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
In youth we want to change the world. In old age we want to change youth.
He who fishes for compliments can expect to be handed a line.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Is it a game of chance? Not the way I play it.
I am too old to know everything.
Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts, for support, not illumination.
Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it.
The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.
Only a mediocre man is always at his best.
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
The Ranger isn't gonna like it Yogi.
When a man says he will do something, he will do it. You don't have to remind him every six months!
To be satisfied with a little, is the greatest wisdom;
The truth is more important than the facts.
Do not read this disclaimer under penalty of law.
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
You don't drown by falling in water. You drown by staying there.
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
Two rights don't make a wrong; they make an airplane.
Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
Poetry, like chastity, can be carried to far.
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
If you don't care where you are, then you aren't lost.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
What is opportunity to a man who doesn't know how to use it?
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
Good luck is a lazy man's estimate of a worker's success.
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Humor can be an incredible weapon.
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
I have an existentialist map. It has you are here written all over it.
Be wiser than other people, if you can; but do not tell them so.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see.
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Action is the antidote of despair.
What seems like the right thing to do could also be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water.
Doing your best is not good enough. First you must know what to do.
Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Love: The delusion that one woman differs from another.
Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
If you have nothing to say, please only say it once.
Moderation in all things, and moderation is the first to go.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Do you want to play the game or do you want to change it.
When I fly I think about only three things, faith, hope and gravity.
Let your daily life be your temple and your religion.
The history of mankind is the history of new ideas.
There's no way to be a perfect parent and a million ways to be a good one.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Individualists unite.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't.
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
Do not tell big lies. Small ones can be just as effective.
I read that drinking is bad for you so, I decided to quit reading.
A work of art is never finished, it is just abandoned
Last night I was looking at the stars and I wondered... where the hell's my ceiling!
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Wisdom is knowing what to do next; integrity is doing it.
Peace has no borders.
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
How much have cost us the evils that never happened.
You can't find the center if you don't know where the edge's are.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says, I survived.
I did something really stupid the other day, but I can't remeber what it was.
It takes considerable knowledge to realize the extent of ones own ignorance.
Do not put statements in the negative form.
The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye and deny it.
The best way to win an argument is to begin by being right.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and hoping the result will be different.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Bit: The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.
To be wise, the only thing you need to know is when to say I don't know.
Why go out for hamburgers when you have steak at home?”
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
No generalization is true, not even this one.
Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
In three words I can sum up everything that I have learned about life. It goes on.
There is an exception to all laws. Even this one.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
I don't want to be a millionaire, I just want to live like one.
Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
Home is the place where your computer lives and runs your life.
Many can rise to the occasion, but few know when to sit down.
A wish is a desire without an attempt.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
When in doubt, take all the defaults.
The three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he doesn't believe; he is.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Give a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
The perfect guest is one who makes his host feel at home.
The law of unintended consequences governs all technological revolutions.
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
Memory is the mother of all wisdom.
My specialty is being right when other people are wrong.
I know everything I have every learned.
I don't give a damn about apathy.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
It's amazing what one can accomplish when one doesn't know what one can't do.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up your a**.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
It is the weak that are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong.
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
Reality is an illusion caused by a shortage of alcohol.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of anther's resemblance to ourselves.
If you want to sing, you can find a song.
In matters of conscience, the law of the majority has no place.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Blowing out the other fellow's candle won't make yours shine any brighter.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
What a father says to his children is not heard by the world, but it shows.
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
It is better to try and fail than to fail to try.
It makes no difference the name of God, love is the true God.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
No day in which you learn something is a complete loss.
Most of the time we don't communicate, we just take turns talking.
Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.
Don't believe anything you read and only half of what you see.
You don’t know what you don’t know.
To use violence is to already be defeated.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
Treat a child as though he already is the person he's capable of becoming.
The human mind is as driven to understand as the body is to survive.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
The price of greatness is responsibility.
Learning isn't a means to an end; it is an end in itself.
Never take a drink when you are feeling sorry for yourself.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
There is no time like the pleasant.
My karma ran over my dogma.
Status symbols are poor excuses for values.
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The best way to double your money is to fold it and put it in your pocket.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
What are imitation rhinestones?
We must believe in free will. We have no choice.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge.
Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Love can achieve unexpected majesty in the rocky soil of misfortune.
You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse.
Don't wait for your ship to come in if you haven't sent one out.
Only a sadistic scoundrel, or a fool, tells the truth on social occasions.
I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned.
Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
One dangerous form of human error is forgetting what one is trying to achieve.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Good literature is about Love and War. Trash fiction is about Sex and Violence.
If one is forever cautious, can one remain a human being?
Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
All the world's a stage and the people on it are poorly rehearsed.
Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
I'm immortal, so far.
The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. It’s that no one runs in your family.
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin.
Smoking - think of it as evolution in action.
I threw a boomerang a couple years ago; I know live in constant fear.
I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle it's much too confining.
I know they say that money talks, but all that mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
Not all those who wander are lost.
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Words that do not match deeds are not important.
I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
I don't mind being alone, I enjoy the company.
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out'?
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
God gave us mouths that close and ears that don't-- that should tell us something.
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Courage is the compliment of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be courageous.
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
True strength is keeping everything together when everyone expects you to fall apart.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Never regret something that made you smile.
Turn your wounds into wisdom.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Keep you children short on pocket money, but long on hugs.
Wit has truth in it. Wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.
There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
Money isn't everything. It isn't even enough.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep till noon.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly, only sooner than she thought you would.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
When you are ill, make haste to forgive your enemies, for you may recover.
Plan to be spontaneous.
Water seeks it's own level.
They are able because they think they are able.
I marvel at the strength of human weakness.
Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
Reading the small print is education; not reading it is experience.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
The longer the explanation, the bigger the lie.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?
Arguing is a game that two can play, but neither opponent ever wins.
God Himself, Sir, does not propose to judge a man until the end of his days.
The easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
Thou shall not kill: except in very large numbers to the sound of trumpets.
Scientists have found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do.
Sometimes people put up walls, not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.
Man is the only animal that blushes, or needs to.
Nothing is obvious to the uninformed.
Give me chastity and continence, but not just now.
He who doesn't accept the conditions of life sells his soul.
You always find something in the last place you look, unless it's not there.
Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
Waiter, there's no fly in my soup, said Kermit.
We need a new cosmology, new gods, new sacraments. We need another drink!
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
It is when I struggle to be brief that I became obscure.
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
We can not eat money.
Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.
My goal is a simple one: To live-forever or die trying.
Common sense is not so common.
A man never tells you anything until you contradict him.
Only exceptionally rational men can afford to be absurd.
It's not where you are that counts, but who you are with.
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
I like the word indolence. It makes my laziness seem classy.
Running is an unnatural act, except from enemies, and to the bathroom.
Fear is the darkroom where negatives are developed.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
For your information, I would like to ask a question.
I like long walks, especially when people who annoy me take them.
Never take action when you're angry.
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
How come wrong numbers are never busy.
Never ruin an apology with an excuse.
Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?
I shut my eyes in order to see.
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.
No man is rich enough to buy back his past.
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
Do not drink coffee in the morning or it will keep you awake until noon.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.
If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Why can't life's big problems come when we are twenty and know everything?
To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
We should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I drink to make other people interesting.
Happiness is not a destination. It's the trip.
If one does not fail at times, then one has not challenged himself.
Never trust atoms; they make up everything.
A wise man once said, I don't know.
A day without sunshine is like - night.
If you aren't first, your last
Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall.
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
A man is not hurt so much by what happens, as by his opinion of what happens.
The Einstein theory is relatively simple.
We may be alone. We may not be alone. Either way the thought is staggering.
Do something. Either lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!
Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow.
Don't be an agnostic. Be something.
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
What we love we shall grow to resemble.
I have had more trouble with myself than any other man I have ever met.
There are three kind of people, the kind that can count and the kind that can't.
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
When we know what God is, we shall be gods ourselves.
Our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Well then, what does a hang-over feel like? She said "Not so loud. I told you, I don't know, I never had one."
Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
I've come for an argument.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Listening to a liar is like drinking warm water.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Anger is a thief who steals away the soul.
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
the goal not to have the most but, to need the least
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings.
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Know the difference: the way you want things to be and the way they have to be.
The secret to getting ahead is getting started.
It's better to get mugged than to live a life of fear.
The life, which is unexamined, is not worth living.
Only a fool has no doubts.
Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
I do not fear tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
I had amnesia once or twice, I think.
Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
Is there another word for synonym?
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.
Life is like a ten-speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out of it alive anyway.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Some people are like water; they follow the path of least resistance.
School lunches stick to the wall.
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer.
The more you cultivate people the more you turn up clods.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything.
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
A few good people who expected more of me than I expected of myself saved me.
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
Mathematics is the language God used to write the universe.
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.
It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.
If it isn't broke, don't fix it.
I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
An error is not a mistake until you refuse to correct it.
The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning.
If it can't be expressed in figures it is not science, it is opinion.
I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
He who laughs, lasts.
Never discuss business in elevators or bathrooms.
I know where it is at, I just don't know how to get there.
The man who makes no mistakes does not make anything.
Every dog has his tree.
Be kind to your inferiors, if you can find any.
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I refuse to answer that question on the basis that I don't have the answer.
The future is not what it used to be. It never was.
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life.
If you want to leave footprints in the sands of time, don't drag your feet.
If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic.
Study art and logic - learn to draw your own conclusions.
What we must decide is how we are valuable rather than how valuable we are.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Being kind is more important than being right.
I'm a Virgo. Virgos don't believe in this astrology stuff.
I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to tell you how I really feel.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
The truth is the one thing that nobody will believe.
If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
Rudeness: when someone keeps on talking while you are trying to interrupt.
A wise person makes his own decisions; a weak one obeys public opinion.
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
You are only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs.
Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion.
If your mind isn't open, keep your mouth shut too.
The scenery only changes for the lead dog.
A professional is one who can do his best work when he doesn't feel like it.
Amateurs practice a shot until they make it. Pros practice it until they can’t miss.
A parrot talks much but flies little.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.
Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's learning to dance in the rain.
My interest is in the future. I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism.
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
The only corporate defense against rationality is bureaucracy.
Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.
The courage to speak must be matched by the wisdom to listen.
Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
If a woman wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
Do not learn the tricks of the trade, learn the trade? The tricks is the trade.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Poise: the art of making others feel as much at ease as they think you are.
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
Use credit cards for convenience, never for credit.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Loyalty to petrified opinion never broke a chain or freed a human soul.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.
Aging is bad, but consider the alternative.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.
Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.
Never appeal to a man's better nature. He may not have one.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Mixed emotions are when your teenager gets an A in sex education.
Doom's Law: There are no rules.
Sometimes things that are free cost to much.
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.
Why, that's the most unheard of thing I've ever heard of.
I can resist anything but temptation.
People count up the faults of those who keep them waiting.
When a man's willing and eager, the gods join in.
When there is no wind, row.
You can't win, you can't break even, and you can't even quit the game.
Doctor, there’s a patient on line one that says he’s invisible. Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.
What would a chair look like if our knees bent the other way?
Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. Quit work and play.
Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the soul of genius.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Politeness is the art of choosing among your thoughts.
Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
It's frustrating arguing with someone who knows what they are talking about.
The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The trouble with giving advice is that people want to repay you.
It is not the man who has too little who is poor, but the one who craves more.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
Faith is belief in the absence of evidence.
The world stands aside to let anyone pass who knows where he is going.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Whenever I feel blue, I just start breathing again.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
I'm in a phone both at the corner of walk and don't walk.
Think where man's glory most begins and ends, my glory was I had such friends.
I don't believe in psychics because you need to make an appointment.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
It does not matter where we are, but in what direction we are moving.
The early worm, on the other hand, gets eaten.
A picture is worth a thousand words? Draw the Gettysburg Address.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Integrity is telling yourself the truth. Honesty is telling others the truth.
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Be willing to lose a battle in order to win the war.
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
The ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do.
Our greatest glory is in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
I believe in God, only I spell it N a t u r e.
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
I can only please one person per day. Today isn't your day...and tomorrow don't look good either.
Prayer changes nothing, except he who prays.
All the cookies are not in the jar.
It is better to be deceived by a friend, than to suspect him.
If you can’t find the one being hustled, it’s you.
Every noble work is at first impossible.
It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
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