Trying To Explain How I Felt To Lose My Only Child

One Mother's Grief

As Eric's mom, I will try to the best of my ability, to describe what it felt like to lose my only child, both physically, and emotionally. Eric James Andrews, age 18 on Feb. 28, 2006. I will first try to describe what it felt like when I heard Eric actually being shot by the very same officer that I had called to HELP my boy.  This will not be an easy task to put in type.  I think that it is necessary though, if it may even help one parent who loses their child get through this devastating grief.  In one single moment, my life changed forever in every way that you can possibly imagine.

The One Day That Changed Every Aspect of My Life

On February 28, 2006, my entire world and being was changed forever in a single second . Without going into too much detail, I will tell you this.  At around 1:13pm that day, I heard two gunshots. I knew that the shots had to be from the officer(s) that had gone upstairs to my son, Eric, after I called them to help him. 

The very first thing that I remember feeling was my every bit of my breath all going out of me and then falling to my knees at the bottom of the stairs of Eric's girlfriend's apartment, unable to breathe.  After only a few seconds, I had a rush of thoughts going through my head. My mind was whirling and I felt dizzy and nauseous.

There were questions filled with confusion, frustration, anger, and why I and my son were being very wronged by people that I was supposed to have trusted when I called 911 to take care of my son. It was all so very overwhelming and surreal to my entire body. It all felt wrong, and it was.

I tried to compose myself, to the best of my ability at that time.  I rose to my feet and began questioning any officer that I saw at this horrible scene. I demanded, in vain, to be told what had happened to my son, Eric. i was continually ignored.  Then I also felt myself in the middle of a media frenzy and a man with a camera from a newspaper. I was being distracted (intentionally) by an officer from the sight of my Eric being taken on a gurney to an ambulance right behind my back! This was only the beginning. It was also the very last time I saw my son, Eric, alive!  Writing this, breaks my heart to an extent of unimaginable pain.

(This is Eric, and I am in the far background with a green jacket on while an officer held me from going with my son Eric)

After I made some calls and got to the hospital, I spent two extraordinarily horrendous and difficult hours to learn of ANY news about Eric's injuries, what type of injury, and how badly Eric was hurt. No one told me ANYTHING! Not even the hospital's advocate could bring us ANY information. We did not even know that he was in surgery, stabilized, critical, NOTHING. For all that I knew, it was a shot in his arm, or finger, or worse.  No one at all would tell me until the end of those agonizing two hours what had ultimately happened.

A Parent's Worst Nightmare Come True

Then a detective walked up to me in the emergency room waiting area and said something to the effect of, "Well, what can I say.  He didn't make it."  Then the detective got up and left with the others he was with.  Again, all of my breath was sucked out of me and I began to quiver uncontrollably.  I tried to stand up, but couldn't for long.  I screamed, "No!" repeatedly, as did all of our friends and family there. I began crying in disbelief and was very confused and angry. It was all so very unreal. How can my only son be gone?  None of this mess makes ANY sense at all. He was a good boy, son, friend, family member, grandson, nephew, etc.... 

After they finally let us see him in the hospital, just for a moment, my tears did not stop and I never wanted to leave him. Luckily, Eric's father was there to tell me that I had to go. I reluctantly left after kissing my son's face and brushing my hand across his head. Then I brushed some liquid from his closed eye with the sleeve of my jacket. I still felt like the same mommy that kissed away his boo boos when he was little, and I also felt protective.  I still feel that, and always will.  From this point on, I was in a daze. I was in shock.  I just stared, my mind racing over the events that unfolded. It all seemed so unnecessary and utterly insane that Eric was killed!

Now What????

After I was taken home, some of my family came home with me. I just sat on my usual spot on the sofa looking around and wondered what they all must be thinking about me right now. I was in some sort of dream-like state. It was shock. 

I wondered if they thought that I would try to hurt myself because my precious baby had been killed. I was shocked to find out later that they were afraid that I would hurt myself and wouldn't leave me alone.  i would never do that.  I didn't want anyone around me though, even though they insisted. 

That night, and for many nights to follow, I couldn't even close my eyes to try to sleep.  It was as if my eyelids were held open.  A billion thoughts went through my mind about everything from, "What am I going to do?", to, "Maybe I will wake up and this will all be a very horrible nightmare!"  By morning, I was so very disappointed to learn that I was not dreaming.  My son was dead and I didn't even know why!  I had no son to take to school, no duties as a mom whatsoever. It was extremely confusing. I wasn't even sure if I was considered a mom anymore! The colors of everything that I saw were literally very dull and almost surreal. I was shaking terribly and could not control it.

The only thing that I felt this day was shock, an incredibly horrible pain in my gut. My whole body was quivering uncontrollably and I had to have someone tell me to eat, shower, etc. I could not even take care of myself.

If You Need Anything, Just Call

Everyone asked me if I needed or wanted anything.  All I wanted was my son, so I told them that I needed nothing. In retrospect, I need to point out that I DID need a lot.

I needed food, help making arrangements, money to pay for these things, etc.... I just didn't realize it to tell those who asked if I needed anything. I did have help, fortunately.  I honestly just didn't know what help I needed and how much.  I could not think straight at all.  Flowers did not help, only because I thought to myself, "Well, they die too!".  I was not hungry. I was not thirsty. I could barely swallow food or water without choking.   All that I felt was horrible and intense physical pain in my gut, and loss of the most important being in my life, Eric, my only son.

One thing that I did not need was people telling me things like, "Oh, you'll get over it hon.", or, "The pain will fade with time". The worst for me was, "Oh, he's in a better place now."  True or not, I wanted him with me!!! 

The best thing that they did for me was to let me talk about Eric, and just listen.  I wanted so badly to talk about my son. He was my life. It was only natural for me to want to talk about him. I loved him more than anything. I just needed someone to let me talk.  I think that it was my way of keeping him in this world. That was hard to do, since it was hard for others too and they just couldn't do it without crying.  I think that they feared that if I talked about Eric too much, I'd do something crazy.  Not so.  It actually helped me.

MYTH

One other thing that is a myth is that the grief will go away with time.

Not true at all! It will never go away for me. It still hurts, I still have stomach pains, and I still shake, but my physical symptoms are a little bit better, not my heart, emotionally. A mother isn't supposed to lose her child. It is not natural. It hurts so much in the deepest place inside of me.

THE MASK

I hear things all of the time, like," You're the strongest person I know!", "You've been through so much and you seem to have turned out okay, considering."  

Well, let me let you in on an ugly secret truth.  I fake the smiles.  I fake the laughter. I am miserable and can't do anything but wear this "mask" and pretend that I am living, when I am only alive. I still wait until I'm alone at home and grab a bath towel and take it into the walk in closet. I sit there and cry, scream, sob uncontrollably. It happens every so often, and is a regular part of my life now.  I don't want the neighbors to hear me and come over in concern. I just want to get it out. The tears can't be forced though. It happens when it happens, like a wave of emotion washing over you. Only then do I call one of my closest confidants. They sit there and listen to me talk about Eric, for as long as I want. then, I feel better for a little while.

There is sooo much more to say, but I can't now.  Please just read all of this and if you want, send me an email to let me know if it makes sense, or if you are another parent who lost a child in a violent homicide to: hfallon@gmail.com .  Thank you for taking the time to read this. 

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/pe/obituary.aspx?pid=16923755

Eric's obituary: 

Notice that they insisted on us using the words, "unfortunate circumstance", instead of shooting.