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These are my Blog links http://tyler306.livejournal.com/ and http://tyler306.blogspot.com/ .
By L.J. Ferrari
© Copyright 2007
All Rights Reserved
Some of this story has been fictionalized for purpose of drama. It really happened. Its a story based on true events. The names have been changed.
Sir Walter Scott said "Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive."
"Psychoanalyst Walter Langer wrote: People will believe a big lie sooner than a little one. And if you repeat it frequently enough, people will sooner than later believe it."
"The secret to getting away with lying is believing with all your heart, that goes for lying to yourself even more so than lying to another." Author Elizabeth Bear
L. J. Ferrari wrote: The Catholic theological definition of a lie is, "To deny others access to knowledge to which they are entitled". The dictionary describes a lie as “Deliberately saying something that’s untrue“. A deception, hiding a secret, an untruth and lies of omission are still lies. It’s all the same no matter what you call it or how you say it. From the moment a lie is conceived it begins to grow. It has life. It’s the beginning of its cycle. It has a life span. When a lie is told, someone’s future could be changed. A lie is told or suggested to someone. A lie is always a secret. Its something that someone doesn't want someone to know. There is always a victim, if convinced and the person doesn't suspect, a trusting unsuspecting or even a suspicious victim will believe it. Usually a lie is a cover up of a mistake. It could be a broken promise, a secret or something embarrassing. It could be anything and to what degree will it be painful when found out. It depends on who tells the lie. The longer a lie is left untold the more damage or pain it will cause. If left uncorrected the lie will fester and expand for weeks, months, years and maybe even generations. It doesn't matter, sooner or later the victim of a lie will be hurt. Sometimes the teller of lies is so convincing that they believe the lie themselves. A lie can start at the telling of story, the denial of an affair or even something smaller. The key to being a good liar is to believe your own lies. The first thing the victim does when told the truth, or the truth is uncovered, is wonder why? That leads to anger, pain, hate and resentment. An feeble attempt to cover it up and manipulate the truth usually fails but not always, its just a matter of time and its out in the open. This is a story of a lie in progress that is supposed a secret but as we know, if two people know a secret it isn't a secret. Remember, there are two kinds of truth. The real truth and the truth as seen through the eyes of a compulsive liar.......
This work is dedicated to the memory of my Father and Mother.
Preface
The Birth of a that lie.
This is a story about a love affair and me, an older guy who became involved with a 40 year old psychopathic liar. At the time, I didn’t know this and I thought I could help her with her drinking problem. Well, was I wrong. I was blinded by desperation and loneliness. It took me a while to find out who and what she really was and when it was over, luckily I escaped with my sanity in tact. Believe it or not it all started at my Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I don’t usually get involved with the woman in A.A. but she was so willing and desirable that I could not resist. I did not know she was my son’s ex-girlfriend but she knew I was his father and pursued me. Maybe for revenge against him or whatever was on her sick mind at the time. As usual her timing was perfect because I was vulnerable and weak. All this attractive sexy woman had to do was smile at me. I became her prey. Most of the woman that come to A.A. are older. Its usually the last resort for them. They are sick and tired woman that have been abused in every bar room they have ever walked into. I think that every drunk or future drunk has had sex with them. If they don't die or kill themselves they usually end up in A.A. crying and whining about how much they hate their parents, ex-husband or kids. Usually they don't stay long especially the woman who used drugs. Its rare they last a year clean and sober. There are a few exceptions but not many. Although lately a lot younger woman have been coming to A.A. because of drugs. It was in these rooms of A.A. that I met Julie. I knew the second I looked at her that I wanted her. No thinking, no reason, I just wanted her. I wanted to possess her. I needed her in my life or so I thought. She picked up on this and took advantage of me. Her long shiny dark brown hair. Those almond shaped brown eyes, her scent and those sweet lips. She’s a short girl you could say petite but very attractive having that look about her that makes guys want to help her. She uses this like a weapon and is smart like a fox. She knows when to turn the charm on and when to turn it off. I got sucked in because I was lonely, desperate and like I said, I wanted her. I thought I needed her and in some ways I did. I needed her to hold, touch and to be close to. I joined A.A. in 1977 after family and work problems because of drinking and I have been sober ever since. In other words," I came to A.A. and I stayed" I have never slipped, drank alcohol or used a substitute to get high. I didn’t come close to drinking this time but I thought about it. If things had gotten any worst, who knows what would have happened. This is the story of that affair.
Chapter One
The Meeting
I met Julie at an A.A. meeting. It was a Wednesday morning in April. I remember, it was a beautiful day. The beginning of a summer I will never forget. It was in this meeting room our eyes met. I did a double take and so did she, then we just looked at each other, the look that says maybe. That lingering look, the one you do then glance away. The look that says I will talk to you later. I wait after the meeting, half sitting on an old desk in a dark hallway. It didn’t take her long, she found me. She walked around the corner like I knew she would. She walked towards me in that dim hallway. I stand and then wordlessly I move in close, it was like an attraction, I couldn’t stop. We looked into each others eyes. We were inches apart, She whispered,” You’ve got beautiful green eyes". I knew at this moment I could kiss her. She looked up at me, her head tilts to the right, her eyes half closed. So close I could smell her sweet breath, and she was so, so desirable. The temptation was unbearable but I held back. There are rules in A.A. Guys with guys, woman with woman and I never thought that this affair would go as far as it did. In this hallway it began with that short conversation, an exchange of phone numbers one of the hottest summer, sexual adventures that I have ever had. I must say at this point Julie is thirty nine and I am a few years older. Lets just say “I am developed in years“. I consider myself a handsome man for my age and in very good physical condition. I don't act or look my age. I think young and act young. To describe Julie I would say She is petite, beautiful and vibrant. She has a way about her that says" Its OK to talk to me." I would describe her as attractive and sexy. She has long dark brown hair and is shapely although she has two children, a fifteen year old and a twelve year old. Her eyes and her smile are her best asset. It was at that A.A. meeting that our love affair began.
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Chapter Two
The Beginning
It started on the next Saturday night with a phone call. Julie called at about nine o'clock saying she was feeling antsy and would I like to go for coffee. I was a surprised that she called and of coarse I said yes. I got dressed and drove the short distance to her house to pick her up. When I arrived she ran out to get into my car. I felt really good about this. It was nice for such a sexy girl to ask me to take her out. Still, I had that odd feeling about what was really happening. What did she want? Was she having a problem staying sober? I heard that she was in a relationship and slipped twice and was trying to get thirty days sober. What I had been hearing were rumors so I would have to find out for myself. We drove to a donut shop near the local airport and went in to have coffee. We talked about the A.A. program and how it works. About my twenty eight years sober and how I stayed sober all those years. I thought I could set an example. She wanted to know about a lot of things but it seemed like she wanted to take a ride in my car. I had a new Ford Mustang. After having coffee and talking for about an hour we left the donut shop. I drove towards the next town and noticed the way she talked. A very sexy sometimes inappropriate conversation about love, sex and relationships. It was a this point that I thought I might have a chance with this girl. The question is, would I take a chance on one time sex or maybe sex more than once? These are the things going through my mind. I didn’t know at this point but I can dream can't I ? She seem so willing without saying it. I think guys can tell, I can. I know it would not take much to kiss her or hold her. I thought about the hallway when I met her at the A.A. meeting last week and it would not take long for me to find out. We took a long ride through the Connecticut country side playing CDs and talking. We did a lot of laughing and joking. I thought I could really get along with her because it seemed like we had much in common. I started to like this young girl. We laughed a lot and she was so much fun, she seemed to really like me too. We talked about the long walks we could take if we got together. I was power walking daily but I really needed a partner to walk with. This seemed like the perfect solution. Before I continue with this memoir I must say that none of what happened this summer is my fault. I did not know of her relationship with my son. I really tried to be a sponsor and mentor to an alcoholic young girl. Her bad habits and dishonesty to me went too far. She was setting the trap and I took the bait. I fell victim to her charms and went along for the ride. At times it was very bumpy as you will see. To get full impact of what we did I will write it as I remember and will not change it in any way.
Chapter Three
The Seduction
Later that evening because it was the only place open we went to a McDonalds to go to the bathroom. As we walked into the dining room and was going toward the bathroom this long haired beauty looked up at me said " I give great head, yah know and I swallow". Then she blinked those brown eyes and with that sexy smile disappeared into the bathroom. I went into the men’s room in kind of a shock or amazement if you will. My first thought was, "Wow, that’s my kind of girl," but I couldn't act on that feeling . To be honest I didn’t know how to handle this situation. I gave myself a few moments to compose myself , thinking about what she said and decided that she is an alcoholic and is really not sober even if she has not had a drink in a month. I started to think that woman alcoholics have been taken advantage of during their drinking career. Maybe Julie is one of those woman who has been abused in that way. Still I wondered ,why she would say such a thing? I left the bathroom and waited for her. She walked into the dining room of the restaurant and when I seen her I asked ,"Why she would say such a thing"? Getting close to me and looking up at me fluttering her eye lashes with that sexy smile. She said," Wouldn’t you like that"? I suggested to her that she should not talk like that and sober people don't act that way. Little did I know that this was just the beginning.
Chapter Four
The Female Sponsor
When we got to her house I parked and we discussed future walking plans and when we were going and where. We decided to walk the next day and that she would call me. It was then that I kissed her. First lightly on the forehead then softly on the lips. I knew I crossed the line but at this point it didn’t matter. I really liked this girl and who knew when I would get the chance again. It could be a one time thing. If you know what I mean. As the evening ended we talked about ex-boyfriends. She did not mention my son and in my case ex-girl friends. She told me about her ex-husband who is in prison at this time. She was rather vague about why and how long he would be there. I thought I would like to help this girl and I have helped woman in the past but knowing it was not my place I suggested she ask her female sponsor if it would be OK if I did. I have a excellent reputation in the A.A. program so I knew the answer would be that I could. From that point any decision I made I told her to run it by her sponsor. Our conversation turned and we talked about her boyfriend who kept breaking up with her and finally she drank and had to start the program again. I told her that at least she could start again because a lot of people who went out (drank or used) never came back. I got the idea that she still had feelings for that boyfriend and would never give up on him. This boyfriend is in the AA program but has a habit of going out with program woman. I tried to tell her this but to no avail. She said that it was over but having the experience that I do, I knew better. I knew that all this guy had to do was rattle her cage and she would go running into his arms. I will never understand that. Some woman will go back to a husband or boyfriend who cheats on them, comes home and beats them or verbally abuses them. These are the woman that will say, "I still have feelings for him". I tried to tell her this but it was like talking to a first grader who will only learn by experience. As time went on I learned a lot more as you will find out . The evening ended rather late and we made plans to go walking the next day I gave a long kiss held her and said I couldn’t wait to see her. She smiled kissed me back and walked into the house. Now at this point I am happy but confused. Should I pursue this? Should I try to help her? I knew the answers to these questions but I couldn't stop. This girl was too much of a temptation. I was hooked. I wanted to stop but I could not. Believe me I tried as you will see. It seemed like I had another personality. In away I do.
Chapter Five
"Tyler"
I think at this point I should tell you about "Tyler". * Tyler is the name of my alcoholic personality. It’s almost the same as a split personality. I don't drink but I still have that alcoholic personality that sometimes acts out. When I started to go out with Julie I knew that" Normal nice guy me" should not be doing that. So guess what? Right, you got it. Tyler my alternate took over. Ok, Ok you don’t believe me. You may think that I blame Tyler* for the bad the things I do. Its been this way all my life. Just as most people, I have a good side and I have a bad side. I just gave mine a name when I starting dating Julie. I can be a nice person most of the time but when I choose to let "Tyler"* out I can be someone you don't know. Sometimes "Tyler"* acts out when I least expect it. Sometimes he comes out by himself. It is those times that I cannot control him. He will say and do things that are embarrassing , demeaning and hurtful. At times he will act inappropriate to woman. Sometimes he will hit a on younger woman and this it what happened with Julie. Julie hit on me and "Tyler"* reacted. I could not stop what happened! When I write like this you think I am just looking for someone to blame. This is not true. Its easier to stop this personality from coming out if I give him a name. He is someone who says insulting and demeaning things to woman. I am not like that. I try not to hurt anybody. Most times he comes out and I can stop him. In Julie’s case I could not. Tyler fit into her personality. He is like her. Someone like Tyler would get along with her. I tried not get involved in that way but at the time I was lonely and really needing someone to comfort me. Julie did just that. She was friendly, sexy and I thought she really liked me. We had a good time together. When she thought, perhaps I was slipping away. She gave me anything I asked for. She was there when I needed her. I was there when she needed me. I was happy to do what she asked and I did. I enjoyed helping her and I did miss her if she wasn’t there. Ok, enough of that stuff. I think you know what I mean. Now, when I talk about " Tyler"* you will understand. In the next chapter I will start from the beginning and try to relate what happened. I will not write about every day although things happened every day. We did so much, we went to AA meetings together. Had dinner together and slept together. I know that in the beginning of our romance she loved me. She told me and I believed her because I thought you couldn’t fake that sort of thing. I thought I could see it in her eyes and in the way she acted. People told me that they had seen us walking and had never seen, "Two happier people". They were upset when they found out we were not together anymore. I thought that was very nice of them. Little did I know….
Chapter Six
A New Person
Julie called the next day and we started walking that Sunday afternoon. I met her behind the local Library and when I seen her walking towards me in the grass waving with a big smile and her long dark hair blowing in the wind, it took my breath away .She was wearing a green low cut top with shorts and sneakers. We greeted with a tight lingering hug and a light kiss on the lips. That day we headed up main street toward a second World War Memorial then through a Cemetery short cut. Our conversation was about the AA program and how to stay sober. I found out it was because she lost her drivers license that brought her to the program. Her slips, while trying to stay sober were because of relationship problems. It was around this time I learned that she was my sons ex-girlfriend. I thought I could handle that and did for a while. I tried to leave her but she wouldn’t let me go. I wanted help her so I had to find out for myself what this was all about. We stopped in that old Cemetery we were walking through for a rest and I kissed her. She held me and kissed me back. After, we continued walking to the local high school, laughing and having fun. To me it was like when I was a kid. I felt like I was twenty five again. She gave me a new life. Its true, she taught me how to live again. I learned how to exercise and have fun. I learned how to laugh and to cry. It didn’t take long for her to pull me out of my slump. It was like a new beginning. A new life. It was like being and I don’t like saying this, “Reborn.“ As time went on we got know each other better and I seen the pain in this young girl. Pain in her soul she didn’t know she had. At times I understood her but I knew I would never really understand her. I felt sorry for her in a compassionate way. I felt sorry for her and I needed to help her. That night she went to a meeting with her female sponsor "C." When she came home she called and we talked for hours on the phone. We did this many times and I loved every minute of it. I was a new person. I was happy, or so I thought…..
Chapter Seven
The Cop
The summer days got longer and hotter and we walked every day. We walked around town and we had fun together. I started to take her to meetings and we grew closer and more intimate. We started to walk in areas where there were no people. We held hands and kissed when no one could see us . One time we were walking through a short cut down town and we stopped to kiss behind an office. We didn’t see a cop behind some trees sitting in his cruiser watching us. He smiled and waved at us. I waved back and we continued walking. Later we both laughed like teenagers. I did not know the end of my happiness was on the horizon. Relationships have their ups and downs and we had ours. I would become frustrated when she would disappear or wouldn’t return my calls. The danger signs were up and I knew I was getting too involved and I didn’t want to. Yet I thought I could handle it. Soon it would get the better of me. After our walks, most times we would end up at the donut shop near my apartment for iced coffee or a milk shake. Many days it was very hot and we would cool off in the donut shop. Remember, I have conflicted emotions and my mind was going in two directions. In other words should I or shouldn’t I? I have worked as a Alcohol and Drug Counselor in an institution and I have never crossed the line. I tried to justify what I was doing as helping this girl and I think I was doing her some good. I remember thinking that a Psychiatrist would not get involved with a patient. I have no right to do this. Still we continued walking, going to AA meetings and having fun. Now things were getting a bit more serious. I was caring too much. I needed some space but I could not get away from this girl and believe me I tried. One day we walked to the Cemetery where her mother is buried. We sat down near the grave and talked about her Mom and what a wonderful woman she was and how much she loved and missed her. I believed that because she often visits her mom, more than I have seen other people visit their family. After a while the conversation turned to us and I said that I could "Walk away anytime I wanted from this relationship". When I think back it was kind of funny because I didn’t believe it myself. She challenged me with "No you can't" Words led to other words and I walked away and left her there in the cemetery alone. I walked towards home and before I got to my apartment she called my cell phone. She was angry with me for doing that. In my mind I felt bad but relieved because now I knew I could leave if I wanted to. Later that evening I picked her up and we went to an A.A. meeting and later for ice cream at Friendly’s near an airport. It was a good day for me. I knew that I had reached a point where decisions would have to be made. I also knew I could leave if I wanted. I did not know she would not let me.
Chapter Eight
The Hallway
Our first sexual experience was after we walked one day. It was a very hot day and we went to my apartment to cool off. I don't remember whose idea that was. I think she mentioned it and of coarse I agreed. This happened at the end of May. That is important as you will find out. That day we walked an historic canal bank or as some people call it “The Bike Trail“. On this day it was very hot, mostly muggy and when we were done walking we went to my apartment. We made it to my hallway then, well let me set the stage. I am not going to be graphic but let me assure you it was an intense experience for both of us. You will just have to read between the lines and use your imagination. In the hallway she kissed me and I backed her gently but firmly against the wall and pressed my body to hers. She responded with a frantic hot wet kiss while removing my sweaty tee shirt . I removed her top and bra and in less ten seconds we were naked. Five seconds later she stripped the blanket from the bed we lay on the sheets together. Still wet with sweat we kissed and fondled each other like we have been doing this for a long time. She guided me slowly into her and we made love. She commented later that she enjoyed making love while we were both wet with sweat. My god, she does have a talented tongue. I admit having sex on a hot summer day with someone like her has always been one of my fantasies. I will never forget that day. I thought those days were over. If someone told me that this was going to happen I would have never believed it. What happened that day was like those lover scenes in a movie where the guy and girl franticly strip each other and make love. I know you have seen those scenes. Well, that happened to us and I knew then that I was going to get more and more involved with this sexy girl. Oh yes, she does give the great head she brags about and she does swallow. Remember, I am an older guy at the time this happened. If I was Twenty what we did would have been amazing. If I was Forty it would have been exciting but not normal although very possible because its happened to me with other woman at other times. Being this age I really didn’t think this would happen. That is why I felt like I do. First ,I crossed the line. I was trying to help this girl. We did what we did and justified our behavior by laughing about it. We made a lot of jokes about A.A. and the things we did. I am not proud of what I allowed to happened. Yet I don’t think I could have stopped it. I was flattered that this girl would like me and have the confidence in me to be her sponsor and lover. Second, we could not continue doing what we have been doing. First time sex opened the door for a closer relationship I thought. In the beginning for a few weeks we got along very well but things started to happen. I mentioned before that she started disappearing. I have no idea where she went. It won't be long before I would catch her in bigger lies. Let me make one thing clear. We were not girlfriend and boyfriend. Being from the old school I thought that when two adults felt like we did and were as close as we were it was an unwritten rule that we would be faithful and honest. This is normal behavior to build a trust between each other. Boy! Was I wrong. This was the beginning of the end.
Chapter Nine
The Fish Market
Four weeks to the date that I met this girl I did not want to see or help her. On June thirteenth I wrote a letter telling her that I would pray for her and to continue with “C” as her sponsor because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t give the letter to her. Later in my apartment I tried to tell her that I could not help her but she would not listen. I would get angry and not call her, she would constantly call me. Sometimes she would call three or four times a day or come over to my apartment late at night. It got to the point that I wanted to hide and I tried but she always found me. Eventually I gave in. I would play her game but would back off slowly. We went to meetings together again and walked. It seemed we were getting closer. She was spending the night more often. It was like we were going together but not all the time. I’ve never been in a relationship like that. There was no commitment, it felt strange. I liked it when she slept with me, we had fun watching movies and snuggling in bed but I still wanted a relationship. I knew it was impossible but I was attracted to this young girl but I was not willing to live like her. I was a fool to think she would stay with me. I thought I was a pretty smart guy but this girl lied to me for a long time. I wanted to believe her and was blind because I was in love with her. At least I thought I was. I know I had a guilty conscience. One of the nicest things she ever did for me was take me out for Fathers day. That afternoon we walked and later I took her to get her father a gift at a pool equipment store. Later we went to a rather expensive local restaurant for dinner. It was a wonderful thing for her to do for me. I truly felt grateful and warm by what she did. It was perfect ending to wonderful day. Later we went to an A.A. meeting then went to my apartment to make love, where she spent the night. You can understand why I felt like I did.
Chapter Ten
Crack Heads
The weeks were going by and soon she would be getting her drivers license back. I knew that was the beginning of the end for me. I was happy for her and I was glad for myself to be relieved of driving her to meetings. Her lying and disrespectful behavior were getting worse and she was disappearing more often. For someone in a program about a Higher power and honesty I did not think she would stay sober. I did not want that responsibility. I did not want to be blamed for her drinking because if she did she would have said it was my fault. That was her pattern. From the beginning she was too friendly with the Crack Heads and Junkies in the program. I am a believer that drug addicts should be going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings. They don’t and today its all blended in although they still have N.A. meetings. I know of Drug Addicts that have taken advantage of the new female alcoholics and they never return to A.A. Most end up dead. When going to A.A. meetings she would dress with a low cut top and shorts. I believe that its important to be modest in a place like that. There are a lot of ladies and young girls in the program and for the most part they dress modestly. She was not one of them. Then there is what I call the “Julie stretch‘. I can describe this as something you do in the morning when you wake up. The difference being that she does this in a room filled with men and woman. She will wait until there is silence or the people in the room are focused on another person then she will without a sound , put her arms up and push her chest out and stretch. She does this to be noticed. The men look at her chest and some woman with disapproving looks glance over. The men like it. To me she makes a fool out of herself. Its when she did this I wished that no one seen me walk in with her. I believe that she was going out with a few of those men in the program. It wasn’t long before I found out that her ex-boyfriend was picking her up late at night for sex. I told her then to stay away from me. She still would not. She kept calling and coming over my apartment at all hours of the day and night. Like I said we were not in a relationship but I wanted her to honest with me. I believe that she will never be honest because she doesn't know how. It was around this time that I started to learn her tells. Those involuntary movements that you make when you lie. It was interesting to watch. I never said anything and I don’t think she knew that I knew but I used to call her on the lies and she would be angry that I didn’t believe her. Still, I would stick with her. Lets face it, the sex was good. Older men would understand this. One of the biggest problems was her cell phone. She gave her number to any and all who asked and some who didn’t. The problem was the phone ringing when we were together. It was so bad I made her turn it off if she wanted to be with me. She did this most of the time with out me asking. It was when I wasn't with her that things were happening. I really only know what happened because she would tell me. I figured it out later. It was because she wanted to hurt me. From this point on I stayed with her because I was very interested to see what would happen to this girl. I have never seen behavior like this and I felt sadness for her. I did everything I could to help her. When I asked her why she did these things she said " I don't know, I don't even like these guys or what happens". Like I said , I felt sadness but when she spent the night I told her that she was safe with me and not to worry. She would wrap her arms and legs around me in bed and hold me like she was afraid. After a while she would fall asleep peacefully. This is like all times we sat together in my recliner, her with her eyes closed, me telling her to breath deeply to calm down. She would curl up in my lap like a little kid with her arms around me and snuggle with me. I felt like I was helping her. That meant something to me. There are times when I blame myself for crossing the line but I truly believe that if it wasn't me it would be someone else.
Chapter Eleven
Crazy Stuff
After night meetings we would go to Dairy Queen near the airport for ice cream. Its the end of June and things are not getting any better. I was thinking that I have to find a real girl friend because at this point I didn’t know how much more of her I could take. Don't get me wrong the sex was unbelievable and that alone was worth most of the aggravation. So I developed a thick skin but felt like I was being used and in a way I was. When I think about it now I knew when she got her license back the party for me would be over. Until then I would do what I have to do and I would try not to complain too much. The Fourth of July was near and few days before she invited me to her house for a picnic with her family. I said Sure I would be there with bells on. I didn’t know what to expect but I knew it would be a fun time. Its around this period of time that "Tyler"* started to come out. The Sponsor part of me knew better and should have backed off and I tried but she wouldn’t let me. So "Tyler"* took over and things got wild. It was the only way I could cope. She went back to her old boyfriend. I told her to do this if she wanted to but she must stay away from me. In a way I was glad to be free of her. I had taken as much as I could and was glad to be rid of her. Still she would not stay away. She called my cell phone constantly and when that didn’t work she called my home phone. It got to the point that my phone rang so much my stomach would do flip flops. She would wait for me and at times I thought I would have to call the police. Remember, I was trying to help this girl and it turned into this. I was torn between helping and leaving. I didn’t know what to do. As time went on I learned to live with it. "Tyler"* took over during the sex and crazy stuff. Later the good guy became the sponsor and the reasonable person. That’s the way I lived. I am embarrassed to say that I was angry when I couldn’t find her. I would call her phone and would get no answer. Now all the sex and fun times were not worth this yet I stuck with her. Being her sponsor was a good excuse as any to stay involved. I wanted to find out why she lied? Why didn’t she just leave me? Why continue the deception? I know that sooner or later her boyfriend will find out about us. There were times when I hoped he would, at least it would end it for us. I was really tired of the insanity .
Chapter Twelve
The Moonlight
The night to end all nights took place around the middle of July it was hot and I don't remember what the circumstances were. She called me and asked me to pick her up if I wanted to go out, needless to say I did. She went some place that day she but wouldn’t tell me where and at this point I didn’t care. So off we went. She was wearing a short black skirt with a low cut red top. This was around the time when the gas prices were getting high and I was buying gas in Massachusetts where the gas prices were lower. We went there that night to buy gas and go out to dinner. We went to a place called the “Take Five” restaurant. It is a nice family place where the food is Italian and good. It reminded me of the neighborhood restaurants of years ago. When we walked in all male eyes were on her. I don't blame them I was walking behind her and looking also. I felt quite proud that I was with her. I thought, "See guys," If you get off that bar stool and got sober you could have the same thing." We sat down and ordered our food. I noticed she was rather condescending and rude to the waitress by talking down to her. I have heard her do that before and wondered why but I let it go thinking that she doesn't know how to be nice or that she thinks she is better than other people. Another thing I noticed she is very spoiled. She seems to get anything she wants. I blame her parents for that sort of thing. I also think it has to do with her lies. We had a wonderful dinner and when we left I suggested we go to New Hampshire or Maine to spend the night to get away from town and people we know. I thought she would like that but she did not want to go. She said that she would, “Rather spend the night at my apartment and watch a movie". I took a look at her tanned legs in that short skirt and agreed to do just that. I must say she looked really good, hair in a pony tail and that low cut top, her cleavage just right, always leaning towards me the right way. There is nothing more sexy than a short black skirt. I will remind you I am an older guy and I am looking at beautiful thirty-nine year old woman willing to do anything I want. I am not a Saint and I knew that I shouldn’t be in this situation but I am a horny guy. There was no way I was going stop what we were going to do. They say being single is a lonely and boring but at times like this it is wonderful. I will never regret being single. We made it to my apartment and the first thing she did was take off her top and skirt down to her bra and panties and jumped in bed. I moved the TV into position in front of the bed and put in the movie "Fight Club" with Edward Norton and Brad Pitt. It was during this movie we gave my alter ego the name "Tyler"*.That night we made love slow and easy. She is a sweet loving person when she wants to be. I knew she was back with her boyfriend and I suspected another guy also but I didn’t care. Remember we are not a couple. I was happy to be where I was and I wished I was the only one. It would never be, so at this time I would live with what I have. That’s common sense. We made love before but this time it was special. It was one of those nights that was perfect. When we were both exhausted she fell asleep in my arms. I really like to watch her sleep so I moved her gently and carefully to her side of the bed. She turned slightly and her long hair fell across her face. She lay there sleeping on her side naked with the moonlight shining on her. I could see her tan lines and she has a Chili Pepper tattoo on her thigh. It was a beautiful sight. Every time she stayed over I loved to watch her sleep. I liked to touch her in those intimate places between her thighs with my fingers and softly and lightly run my hands over her body and legs. She loved that and never complained . At times she would giggle and squirm and turn around to kiss me and then fall asleep in my arms again. It was at these warm moments that I could forgive and forget anything she did. I didn’t sleep much when she stayed over. I didn’t care I just wanted to be with her. One of the things that really turned her on was when I kissed her in the back of the neck under her long hair. It was warm and dewy there and I loved the way she would really get excited. I loved doing that to her. It made her so willing. She told me," No one ever did that and it was special between us" and I believed her because I wanted to. For a short time we were very close or at least I felt like we were. When we woke up that morning we made love again, her lips were soft and hot and its these moments I will never forget. Her hands on my body, her finger tips touching me in special places, her almond shaped dark brown eyes looking deeply into mine, her hot lips on my body, her wet tongue slowly, very slowly flicking lower and lower until contact is made then lingering with her tongue in those sensitive places, slowly her mouth forming an O and never stopping until the act is complete. Then kissing me hotly on my lips. I know she loved pleasing me in that way. Like I said its moments like that I will never forget. Later we took a shower together and got dressed. I took her to breakfast at a local diner and after we went to an A.A. meeting. Back to reality, I did not like that . I wanted to stay in that love and sex fantasy land we were in. I think you can see why I did not want this to end. I did not want to bring her home but I did. I wanted to be as close to her as I could.
Chapter Thirteen
Denial
It was around the middle of August when I found out about her second boyfriend. She told me about some of her boyfriends but this one was a real shock. I knew of her past and she told me about her affairs but when your a female alcoholic you are promiscuous as when a male alcoholic does the same. At this point she has been sober for four months and I expected her behavior to change. I am not a doctor as I said but I have seen this behavior before. She was taking anti-depressants and when using this medication it sometimes brings out other personalities. Its my opinion she is bi-polar. I can't say what she told me but I will say what I think happened. All the evidence and my knowledge and experience with her will sound like a nightmare but it is what happened.
It was a Wednesday night and Julie came over to my apartment after an A.A. meeting. I questioned her but I only know what she told me. She seemed strange like she was high or drunk. I asked her to stay for a while but she said she was meeting someone. I pressed the issue and she told me she was meeting boyfriend two. I was shocked, angry, hurt, and I was going to never see her again. I bit back those emotions and told her to call me when she got home. I will never forget the look on her face. That half smile, its a weird thing, her brown eyes were darker almost black in the moonlight, her long brown hair, she looked so sad. I felt sorry for her. I knew now what I felt was not love but pity. In a way I was glad this was happening although I didn’t know that at the time. This craziness was a good thing for me. It was going to be my way out. That did not happened for a while but my feelings for her were diminishing. That was a good thing. Like I said I could not get rid of her and the constant phone calls. The walks we were taking didn’t happened as much. She had her license and soon we stopped walking. At three-thirty AM she called me to tell me she was home. It seems boyfriend one had followed her to a Motel and found her with boyfriend two. The thing is he didn’t know who boyfriend two was. The next day the text messages flew in from boyfriend one. I read most of them and they were really bad. A lot of name calling like “Whore, pig, slut“. I would be surprised later to find out that she talked her way out of this situation with boy friend one. I commented ," How did you do it"? she said she" Could lie her way out of anything" and that she was “Good at it“. I thought, “Why waste time telling the truth when you can just make it up“. When I was drinking I was a great liar also, so I knew what she meant. I said "Your a better liar than I was." The trouble is that when I hear someone lying like that I know that they would lie to me too. Kind of shoots down the trust factor. I tried to convince her that she is single mom from a small town and that she should not act that way. All those years of drinking and its difficult to change. The trouble was I did not see her trying. It was like she had no feelings. It felt like she wanted to hurt me. I really didn’t know and soon I did not care. I like to say I became bullet proof to her lies and insults. I think at this point she was dead inside. I learned a lesson that night …."Never under estimate the power of denial".*
Chapter Fourteen
The Smart One's
She stayed at my apartment a few times after that night but things would never be the same. I was still trying to make her go away in subtle ways like changing my meetings and staying away from her. The phone calls continued and I continued to answer. I must remind the reader that I am still trying to help this alcoholic young girl. Having sex with her is not helping, I know that. In one sense I want to help her but at this point I am allowing her to use me because she won’t stop and I am willing to see how far she will go. I will never understand how some people in AA can lie, its a program based on telling the truth. I know she used drugs and a good source told me that she is drinking. I think she lies because she has not learned to tell the truth. I know this sounds odd but I think when someone lies for thirty years you can not stop overnight. Its now the beginning of September. On the last night she stayed at my apartment we snuggled all night long and in the morning we got rather involved in some sexual activity and I was putting on a condom. She looked surprised and said "Your one of the smart ones". Needless to say I was taken aback with what she said. I must say I could not stop thinking about that. I only share that story because of what she said. It was becoming harder to become my alter ego "Tyler"* The honesty and morals I learned in AA over the years was taking over and I was starting to feel guilt about my behavior. I knew that soon this affair would be over. Yet phone calls continued and I still answered. One of the only things I did right was not call her. That last Saturday night we did not sleep together, yes that’s right, "Did not sleep together". I can joke about that now but at the time I was angry because she called me and said she was coming over to my apartment to spend the night. I was looking forward to a quiet evening together after the A.A. meeting at the Church. She was at that meeting with her sponsor but after she dropped her off she disappeared again for the night. I called her a half a dozen times but no answer. That ended it for sure. The next morning she found me at a meeting and we drove in my car to a local Game Refuge to talk . I still don't know where she was. Someone told me she went to another A.A. meeting after the church meeting high on some kind of drug and I believe it. That was the last we spent any time together. I was sad yet relieved. I did not have to help her anymore. I did not have to be with her any more and hear her lies. I have never been so angry and hurt. Hurt because she lied to me, angry with myself because I believed her. She will never change. She will only hide who she truly is.
Chapter Fifteen
Six Flags
I have taken literary license and not put things down in the order of the way they happened. In other words this is a true story but I have left things out. For example, we went to out to breakfast, lunch and dinner many times at many places. One of our favorite dinner places was Ruby Tuesdays. I have taken her to her doctor for her medication. I have picked up her medication at the drug store for her. I have picked her up in Hartford Connecticut many times at the school where she works. At times on the way home we stopped at a local Dam for a walk and to find a quiet place to, well...You know by now, other things . After she got her drivers license back we still liked going to meetings together and she saved me a seat next to her if I was late. She told me coming to my apartment was like coming home. She really enjoyed being there. She told me she "Loved me so much she didn’t know what to do with it". There are parts of her body she doesn’t like. Her breast for example. The nipple on her right breast is inverted and she is more embarrassed about that more than anything else. As I said before, I believe that in the beginning she loved me. I will say this. I know for absolutely sure that under different circumstances, if I was younger I could have stolen her away from all her boyfriends. Like I said we did many things, like shopping at all of the stores in the area. From groceries to clothes. Our afternoon naps were special. Hot summer day, temperature in the nineties we would go to my apartment where it was a cool seventy-two degrees and snuggle until we fell asleep. That was really nice sleeping with her like that. Its fun to take afternoon naps with her snuggling with me and worrying about whether she was going to drool on my shoulder. On forth of July I went to her house for a picnic with her family. They are very nice. I spent the day talking to her sisters and their husbands. Her fathers back yard is set up with colors like a place in old Italy. After all these years he still has an Italian accent. The kids had fun in the pool splashing the people who would dare walk too close. I really had a good time that day and felt very close to her at that time. One day she was going through a bad time and she gave me her cell phone to hold. I listened to some of the messages from the guys trying to get her to answer calls from them. It was unbelievable. Everything from "Was it something I said" to "call me "Its an emergency" I laughed, I thought that was funny. One afternoon we went to a meeting. I had to tell her to stop putting her tongue into her cheek like in oral sex and looking at me and smiling. I said that everybody was looking and that they all know what that means. It was very embarrassing. That’s the way she was at times. She could be very funny but also demeaning. I must comment on her autistic son John. He’s a handsome young man and I have spent some time with him . We had lunch together and he is fun to be with. He lives in a special home out of state where he is well taken care of. Then there is Bobbie . He is a normal high school kid who lives at home with Julie and her father. I like her father he is a nice man who is very quiet. I think he is the kind of guy that not much bothers him. It’s a good thing because I know what his daughter has put him through. I did notice that Julie and her three sisters and brother are very good to him. They treat him well on birthdays and holidays. I have no idea why this girl pursued me but she did. That summer was like a roller coaster. Speaking of roller coasters. One afternoon she called me to ask me if I wanted to go to Six Flags with her and her son and two of his friends. She wanted me to drive her car. Of coarse I said yes. She came over and I drove to Six Flags in her car with the boys and Julie. We went on the bumper cars and the roller coaster and we had a good time that day except when Julie kept going to the bathroom. In other words she kept disappearing. She seemed like she was high. She kept saying she wasn't but I will have to say that she was. That spoiled it for me. Her son Bobbie kept saying. "Mom your drunk, This is what you did before". She said no but I believed Bobbie. The truth was she was doing lines in the ladies room. That’s why she wanted me to drive. At one point she wanted to, in her words, "Give me head" on one of the rides. I said no thank you, thinking to myself ,“On a longer ride,” Maybe, " but this ride was kind of short and I would not have enjoyed it. I think you can judge her state of mind at this point. I could not believe it. We were with her son and two of his friends. Before I continue I must say that this memoir is a labor of love because its my way of getting rid the insanity of that summer. By writing this down it cleans my mind and allows me to forget faster. In A.A. we have Twelve Steps we try to live by. "Step Four is Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves". That is what this is and nothing more. At times you may think that I am doing this for revenge because of how she treated and disrespected me. If you really knew me you would know that this is not true. I will say that "All lies and evil deeds may go away but they don't go away forever,"* Sooner or later they will come back to haunt you. If never fails. I would say to her if she reads this "Be careful my bite is much worst than my bark".* This memoir is my bite. I think that is only fair. I have written this not telling her secrets but sharing only the things we did together when it involved me. I tried to be a good sponsor but she overwhelmed me. She would not stop lying to me. I could not handle her case. I have almost thirty years experience in A.A. and have been out with many woman but I have never been in a situation like this. I am not sorry for anything that happened. In this case I am glad because it will be my last fling with someone so young and sick. I had a summer of sexual adventure and mystery. I don't know if I could do it again. I don't think I want to. Now, that’s its been over for a while I might consider a girl that’s not a liar and of coarse she would have to be better looking. Can you tell I am just kidding? Julie spent the night at my apartment many times and when she left the next morning I missed her. I did not want her to leave but I was glad when she did. "The hardest thing in life is letting go of what you thought was real." I think I helped her stay sober. If I did that it will make this all worthwhile. In my opinion she has a lot to learn. I have not heard her say too much when she speaks at A.A. meetings but in her case anything is good. Some alcoholics really hit bottom hard. I don't think she has. They say, "You hit bottom when you stop digging," I don’t think she has stopped digging. She hasn’t lost enough. One night when she came to spend the night. We talked about her past. I was very surprised to see tears. At that time I felt the tears were fake because a few days before I asked her why she never cries. I think that night she put on a show for me. At the end of our relationship I would look into her eyes for remorse when she lied to me or her sponsor. There was nothing. It was like she was empty inside. I came to the conclusion then that, she was sick and did not know how to feel. I think that her behavior towards me with the lack of emotion and no feelings was brought on by physical abuse by her former husband. I think that she is like this toward most men in her life. I think she fears retribution from a few of these men. I think when she sets her goals on getting something (a man ) she will do anything and I mean anything until she is successful. Then when the novelty wears off she is on to another conquest. I think that is what happened to me and I forgive her for that. I am not passing judgment but simply giving a clinical opinion and I will pray for her.
Chapter Sixteen
Willie
I am sorry that writing this is almost over I really enjoyed doing this. To men reading this I hope my experience taught you something. I know "Willie," the cat I live with was happy when she did not come over anymore. When she came over on one of her unexpected visits I got the look from him. You know, the cat look. He would climb to the top of his six foot perch and give her his cat hate stare. She was not on his favorite person list. When I was a kid between eighteen and twenty-four I worked at large International Airport. I say this only to set up the next story. I had many girlfriends and took them to park on the back roads of that airport. I was a lucky kid and a spoiled first son. I always had fast cars or hot rods as we used to say. Thanks to my wonderful father I never really wanted for anything. The result was a spoiled kid protected by family, friends and even the police. I like to say I had a great life. I never had many limits set for me. Now back to the present. One night after a meeting Julie and I went to the Dairy Queen near that airport for Hot Fudge Sundaes. Our conversation was light and happy and we were doing a lot of laughing and kidding around. The feeling was, its great to be sober and free from addiction. She said "Lets take a ride." So off we went in my new Mustang. I thought, “Lets go parking”. My destination, a parking spot on one of the old roads in the back of the airport. As we drove around the dark back road it was like I was young man in a fast car with a beautiful young girl sitting next to me willing to do anything. I thought it could not get any better than this. I found a parking place on a secluded back road and like I did forty years earlier, we made 1950s love in the back seat of my Mustang. It was like a flash back and I was transported back in time. I would have never believed that I could be lucky enough for that to happen to me again. Later we went to her house to get her son Bobbie and bring him for Ice cream. It was just another unbelievably fun night. I wrote that because I miss doing the things that we did. I thank God for giving me the chance to do these things again. It might be the last time and I must say that it was fun during in the fun times. I’ll take the good with the bad and remember the good. I will remember the bad and try not to go there again. I will remember her as that young girl filled with mistakes but having hope for the future. When I think of her now I think of a bird with a broken wing flopping around on the ground in pain trying to fly and I thought if I helped her she would find her way. Maybe she will. I will pray for her success for the future. I will remember this affair as moment in a life time like a grain of sand on a beach. This memoir is my opinion and at times I thought she was a *"Predator posing as a house pet." I was wrong because she is a very sick girl. I should not have had this affair. I made a mistake of that magnitude because she seduced me and I responded to her advances. I have never done that but this time the temptation was to much for me. I could not see me doing those things so I sent Tyler. He did, like many times in the past willingly accept the challenge. Later in the emotional wreckage nice guy (me) tries to put the pieces together. I have been able curb the temptations since the affair and have stayed away from her. I feel good about that. I have no guilt of what we did only sorrow for her. I am glad I don't have to live with all that deception and fear. I still think that she does not know how much work it takes to stay sober and will watch and pray for her. I learned from my many years in the program to" React by not reacting " when anything happens, that’s the way it will be. Its December twenty-ninth Two thousand and six and the past year has been an interesting year to say the least. I have a new girl friend who is a calm, quiet lady and I enjoy being with her. We do normal things and we enjoy each others company and that’s the way it should be. I hope any one who reads this will learn something by the mistakes I made. To all the older guys out there who think that they can keep up with these attractive young woman. They are nice to look at but remember there are consequences to that behavior. I know I will remember that, *"Opportunity may knock only once but temptation leans on the doorbell."
The End..............
*Tyler..............From the movie Fight Club
*Predator.........From the movie Fight Club.
( Fight Club was one of our favorite Movies )
*All Lies..........From the movie Inside Man.
*My Bite ........From the movie Inside Man
*Denial............From the movie American Beauty
*Doorbell.........From my good friend who helped me tell the truth.
All the rest .........................Me
BOOK TWO
One Year Later
By L.J. Ferrari
Chapter One
Morals
Time passes and its been a year and I am getting along really well. I have learned a great deal and feel a lot better about myself. I have recovered from the Julie "Affair" and tried to go out with other woman and for a time I did. I dated someone through the holidays but I just could not continue so I stopped seeing her. I am glad I am not in a relationship right now and I don't think I am going to start one in the near future. I have to learn to like myself again before I can like anybody else. At times I am lonely but for me that’s a good thing because now I have the time to stay busy and to enjoy life and have friends. I could list many of the good or bad things that will happen in the future when you are married or single but why spoil all the wonderful surprises in store for the reader of this story. They wouldn’t listen anyways. As you know my stories and my blog are true stories about life, love and romance, good or bad. I want the reader to experience all the neat things that happen as a complete surprise and have to think or say " I wish someone told me this was going to happen." I am glad I listened to my father when he told me the secrets of single life. I actually listened and did as he suggested. I understood what he said and read between the lines of his story, took his advice and today I feel good and do not regret any of the decisions I have made. There are some decisions that I made that were not in good judgment and I am not very proud of but how else can you learn about life and human nature. Its kind of like "I didn’t know the gun was loaded" learning. As you know I am a member Alcohol Anonymous and have been sober for over Thirty years. The decision to sponsor and date Julie last year was not a good one but because I did and suffered her wrath. I experienced a growth that I never thought I would have. You have to take the good with the bad and its true you never stop learning. To find out why she does these things I have been listening and talking to the woman of A.A. I Think I have learned why she did these things to me. The woman of A.A. had high standards and morals before they started drinking and using drugs heavily. Drugs and alcohol reduced them to this and what I learned was. Don't get the wrong idea folks, I did not do anything inappropriate during my research. Those days are over. The ladies I spoke to are my friends and did go into detail. This is what I have learned and it has taught me to understand or at least put my mind at ease on why Julie treated me like she did. I have learned that ninety-nine percent the woman in AA have one thing in common when they walk through the doors of A.A. and that is morals issues. All the woman I have spoken to told me that for the most part toward the end of their drinking they were doing things that they thought dirty or sick and never would have done that if they were clean and sober. As they describe to me some of the things they did I could see the remorse and sadness they have for their past mistakes. One of the woman I interviewed said it like this." When I was drinking I would raise my skirt for men and have affairs" She has been sober for fifteen years. Still another told me," She woke up to discover that she was naked. She had just came out of a blackout after a night of drinking in a Motel room with,” Three strange men". Still another young woman told me," She found out that she was pregnant and counted the months. She and husband were happy and when she had the baby she said," The baby was black." She had no idea who the father was. Her drinking for the most part was done in barrooms. Her husband was standing there when she gave birth. They gave the baby away and she is no longer married to that man. Another beautiful young girl. She could grace the cover of any glamour magazine. This girl, a good friend, told me that when she got clean and sober and got her first honest job. I might add it was a rather low paying demeaning job. It felt really good to, in her words "Earn money the legal way". The look on her face with that guilty smile and tears in her eyes said it all. All these woman have remorse and sorrow and over five years of sobriety. This is what is missing from Julie’s recovery. When I knew her and we were together for six months, she never had remorse. She was never sorry and never felt guilt. She kept most the secrets of what she did while drinking and using drugs, picking only certain small secrets to tell her sponsor and lied about everything else. I asked her to tell her female sponsor about those issues but she never did. I wrote about that in " The Summer of 2006" Its been a year and I hope she has finally has done that. I don't think she has. She doesn’t know how to tell the truth.
Chapter Two
Who’s Girlfriend?
Its also been a sad year. My father passed away on March 23, 2007 and its really hit me hard. I ask my three sons to be Pall bearers and they did as I asked. One of those sons haven't spoken to me since the funeral. I won't go into this at length and I really don’t understand why. The one that doesn’t talk to me now dates Julie. Yes, you read that right. He is dating my ex-girlfriend Julie. Here is the best part. He doesn't know that she is my ex-girlfriend. He knows I was her sponsor. This is exactly what I mean about telling the truth or living with the lies of the past. Sometimes I think I lead an interesting life. I do the best I can to keep a low profile but something always happens to upset the apple cart. I can't help it. Julie doesn’t talk to me anymore. I believe that she thinks that if she doesn’t see or talk to me I will disappear and she won't have to face the truth. Like a little kid hiding in the closet from a ghost of the past. If you tell the truth you don't have to hide. She doesn’t know this. She has never learned that. What she really did was turn her back on me and burn the bridge of communication. This can only hurt her in the future. Does she think I will never say anything? How sad is that? To live with that shadow over your shoulder must be horrible. I don’t think she knows how to care. I can not live like that and some day I will tell him but right now I will remain silent simply because he doesn't talk to me. He doesn't know what he is missing. Remember, I am Dad and that will never change. There will be an occasion or a party, my son will have to talk to me sooner or later. Julie was dating him towards the end of our relationship and I knew that and told her to leave me alone and stay away from me but she would not. I wrote about this in " The Summer of 2006 " During the past year and going to four special AA meetings a week and talking to a lot of woman I now understand why she does the things she does. Its not easy for men or woman that never had a drinking or a drug problem to understand. I knew why but I had to understand. I simply did not believe this could happen to me. I thought I was ready for anything. I have been insulted by the best but never like her. Through the years I have had many girlfriends and woman friends in fact most of my friends are woman. Not one has ever treated me with such disrespect. I will not resent her but I will never forgive her. In other words "I love you but I don't have to like you". I don't want to say that but I have to. I could never respect her again. I could do and have done many things for revenge in the past but what good would that do me now. Remember, what goes around comes around and I can wait! Time will tell and time is on my side. I have nothing to loose, all to gain.
Chapter Three
The Warning
Part one
In a sense I will never forgive her for the way she treated me. There will always a part of me that has a dislike for her…I can’t hate her but I don’t have to like her. I have two ex-wife’s and I love them both. I have had many girlfriends and I am friends with all that I can find from the past. The rest we parted on good terms or as friends. All I wanted to do is be Julie’s friend and she literally turned her back on me. I could not believe it. Let me explain, this is not easy. This has never happen to me before so its not easy to write about. It takes a lot to hurt my feelings because I always consider the source. What she did hurt me deeply. On one side is my pride and on the other side is my ego and I have been working very hard to keep them in check. What she did was like a slap in the face when you least expect it. Like being shot by a sniper, you know she’s there but you never hear the shot. She wanted to dispose of me. We were not going together and she wasn’t mad at me. I will explain in chapter seven. The odd thing is, if she does get angry she will show very little emotion. The real pain for the person she is upset with will come later. She will wait for the right time and then she will do what she is best at. Humiliate and deceive, until the person is suffering emotionally. She knows this. She is an expert manipulator so you don’t have chance unless you know the way she does these things. She does not resent or think about it later. Normal drug abusers and alcoholics if there is such a thing will hold in the anger and think and plan about what they will do, still keeping it inside then do nothing. Julie won’t do this, sooner or later she will get you the way I described. Believe me its a painful revenge. I know how she learned to do this and its about control and getting her way. If she’s hurt or not in control she goes into action. Like a cornered cat, only you can’t see her claws but you will feel them.
Part Two
It will happen like this..….Something will happen to trigger her anger. For example, she will not get something she wants or she will not get her way like a spoiled child. You may be aware of this or not. It may not happen right away but something will click in her mind. It could be in a day, it could be a week, she won't forget and sooner or later she will start the sequence of events. She will say or do something, it could be a promise, it could be as small as a gesture. Usually it is something big and you have high expectations of things that will happen. Keep in mind, she will go any length to set this up. You will see in chapter seven. It could be a lie. It could be the truth. You never know how or when it will happen but it will. She will trigger this event. When it does you will be devastated and it will hurt emotionally beyond belief. The pit of your stomach will feel hollow and filled with bile. You will want to cry. You will lose your sense of time but it will sink in slowly and when it finally does you will not believe that she could do such a thing. She will look at you with that weird half smile and tell you what she has done. Then she will stand back and watch the results. She is an expert at this game and knows exactly what she is doing and how to slowly to twist the knife. She knows to strike when you least expect it. It could be when you are weak and tired or maybe even sick, she doesn’t care. Its like she wants to poison your mind with jealousy or doubt. This is the revenge part. Its sick behavior learned over years of drinking and having sex with many men. Its all about control. She cannot stop this deviant behavior. Its only a matter of time before it happens to you. It doesn’t matter who you are. It could be any man. Sometimes it starts with that sweet sexy smile and fluttering her eyelashes. Remember, I said she has the kind of look makes guys want to help her. The point is she wants to and will hurt you badly sooner or later.
Chapter Four
Bait and Trap
When a man looks at this woman his first impression is that she is a sweet sexy forty year old who has had a few bad breaks. He might think that he can repair all the damage that she has done to herself in the past forty years but believe me, many men have tried and failed, falling victim to her charms. Yet you read this and think that I am crazy and that you are special and you can help her. She told you that you have beautiful sexy eyes and that you were handsome, that you have a great smile and that she liked the way you dressed. All that was bait to distract you. You want to help her and she agrees, but not too quick. She hesitates for a moment pretending to be shy but then she agrees and gives you her phone number. A bedroom scene flashes in your head and you think, could this be it? Your such nice guy, you give her your number, your going to fix her life like none of the nine hundred ninety nine other guys couldn’t. You are going to be a hero. Your special and you are going save her, give her a new life. She will reward you with a lifetime of happiness and a total commitment to you. My friend, once you cross the line from sane thinking to letting your penis do the thinking, she has you. The worst part for you is she knows this and you don't, its a perfect setup. To hook you further she will say suggestive things and you will fall for that and think that she has never said that to anyone but you. Psychiatrist’s call it “Focus Transfer“. We say head games. Remember, she said you are handsome and she has given you the impression that she is falling for you. You really think she likes you a lot and you don't know why. She needs your help and you are more than willing to help her now. You have taken the bait and its to late. Is it too late? Lets think about it. Lets go back a little. When she said all those nice things to you, at first you didn’t think she was talking about you. You were wondering if she really means that and it didn’t take to much to convince you that she did. Still you weren’t sure. You didn’t want to believe her. That feeling of doubt was your first clue. Run, please run away now. Oh, that’s right, you are lonely and need some companionship or maybe just a friend. Wait a minute, she said those all those sexy things to you. If I am her friend she won't do those things to me. Perhaps I will try to help her and get a little loving on the side. Here is where you think you are in control, you think can stop now. Ah, you are letting your penis do the thinking again. Its much too late now she’s got you. Later you will try not to call her and you are successful. You won't call her because you are having doubts. It works for a few days then the phone rings. Guess who? And so the insanity begins. Your mind is so clouded now with visions of sex and pure happiness that its almost impossible to back out now. Still, somewhere in your head you have the idea that you can. So you move on to the next level. Remember, she knows this and has set you up perfectly and when she thinks that maybe you are having doubts she will react. She will give you that sexy smile, looking at you with those almond shaped eyes, she flutters those eye lashes and touches you in a place where no one ever touches you. She will tell you that she feels safe with you and needs you to protect her. Its at this moment when you are looking at that face, that smile and having those imaginary thoughts of sex, that you would follow her through the gates of hell. This is where you fall deeper and deeper into that whirlpool of insanity. From this point on it gets more difficult to back away and if you try she won't let you. You have become her prey. I could go on and on but I think you get the idea.
Chapter Five
Reasons
In this chapter I will tell you she why she lies but first I will explain what happened to me when she was done with me and my slow painful decline. At first she was my friend and helped my through the pain of my fathers death. Then about a week later she called to tell me that she couldn’t be my friend anymore. Believe me, this was friends only. We haven't slept together since September 2006. She is the one who told me that she wanted to be friends. I said no because I knew the kind of friend she wanted and she was going to be with my son and sooner or later he was going to find out we were lovers. She said he would never find out and insisted that we could still do this. Of coarse I relented but we became no sex friends. Confused? I’m confused and I lived it. You haven’t heard anything yet. She didn’t mind lying to him and I kept suggesting and telling her to tell him of our affair. Simply to free her mind of the guilt and to become honest. To me it seemed that she enjoyed the games and the manipulation of our lives. I was in the game with her now one more time (Remember 2006) just to see what will happen and to try to get her to tell the truth. She still called me and we talked every other day, then it happened. She stopped calling and again I was relieved and thankful. I never called her so all I had to do walk away. I have tried that many times without success she always came back. Still I wondered if she would ever tell my son of our affair and become honest. One afternoon my son called me to ask me if I would like to go out to dinner with him, Julie and Julie’s family, her brother and sisters and their husbands. Without skipping a beat I said sure I would love too. Thank you for asking. He gave me the time and place. I said I will be there. I thought we had just began a new rekindled father, son friendship. I was on cloud nine. Dinner went well because I knew her family from the past because I went to her house when we were dating. I don't know if anybody noticed that they all knew me but I had a good time that night. I was happy yet I still wanted her to tell him the truth only because living with this secret is not healthy and I don't like it. Still she would not tell him. One afternoon I met her in the library parking lot while riding my bike and told her I was going to tell him of our affair and she said "I will deny it". In a way I was testing her to see if the guilt was hurting her yet. She was the same. I told her. “ If she hangs on to the garbage from the past sooner or later its going to stink“. It was like she was dead inside. A.A. is a program about change, forgiveness and honesty. Its my opinion that she can never really recover from her past. The years of drugs and drinking have taken their toll. She is infected with the sickness of deception and it will take her many years to recover. There will always be lying and dishonesty. The same with my son. He has deep personally defects that leave him resentful, cruel, insensitive and greedy and can never heal because of the drugs and alcohol. He would smirk and deny this but this is what I see from the outside looking in. Believe me, you do not want him or her in the same life boat. He is the perfect victim for this evil woman.
Chapter Six
Learning Her Craft
At sometime in the past when she was a adolescent. Julie, did something or something happened. Maybe it was an accident or done on purpose. It was ether bad or embarrassing or both. This event could have happened at home or at school. More than likely it was done in secret or in a way that she could not seen or caught. This was the beginning of the lies. Someone, a parent or a teacher caught or suspected her of doing something that was embarrassing. They caught her doing something bad. When they confronted her, out of fear she denied it. She must have been so convincing that they believed her. I can imagine her crying and saying over and over I didn’t do it, with a pout on her bottom lip and big crocodile tears on her cheeks. Once they believed her or said they believed her she would never be the same again. After a while it becomes normal behavior and she will lie so much that it will become natural and even she believes it. This is where it began. She got away with it. What a feeling that must have been, all the relief and all the tension are gone. Remember, its possible she was born this way or this is a time learned behavior. She must have thought if I smile and look pretty, cry and do the same thing the next time I will get away with other things. Its also possible that when she was young she had unlimited freedom to practice this craft. As time went on she started using sex and it became much easier to get what she wanted and control people. She took her craft to a higher level and it will never stop because she is out of control and learned to "Never under estimate the power of denial." No....she may not be drinking or using drugs at this point but her lying is also an addiction just like drugs or alcohol. Its also self taught and to her, normal behavior and accepted in her mind and she has no morals. There is no limit to her debauchery. She doesn’t know anything else. At times she will do this when she is bored just to play with your mind and at other times she will use this like a weapon. She will use sex. For example, to have her car fixed she will have sex or perform oral sex on the car mechanic. She told me that she has sex with him at his house or his mothers house. She has been doing this for years. Her logic is why pay if you can get it done for free? When she was younger and drinking and using drugs she would get a summer job at family fast food restaurants or hot dog stands and have sex with the family members usually the fathers and sons. She wanted to cause problems between the family members. She has done this many times. This gives her control. The control is the addiction. This is what is going on between me and my son. At the moment she has him in her control and blinded to other issues and family members. This cannot last forever and sooner or later the bubble will burst. Its the same thing over and over. She gets a high almost like taking a drug. She can control this Psychopathic behavior and turn it on and off or use it at will if she looses control. She is capable of planning and hurting someone. She once told me that she “Wished me dead” so she could cover up the lies of our relationship. These mental issues cannot be left untreated. It will take many years of therapy to even scratch the surface to show a small improvement. In my opinion she goes to A.A. to have a clear mind so she can use her lying without getting caught. She picks and chooses the things in A.A. that will help her not drink. Its also my opinion that in the future she will drink again but for now all she needs is a clear head so she doesn’t loose her job and to remember which lies she told and to who. Her job is her cover to look as normal as other people. On the outside she looks sweet and bouncy and works with kids but Julie is only a baby sitter while the teachers do other things. Julie supervises the pre-teens on their recess in a prestigious school in the city. On the inside she is as devious as a jackal. Her life is lie and a cover up. In laymen’s terms she must go back to childhood and relearn how to live and tell the truth. The key is she has to want to do this. Then maybe she can live a normal life although this is not likely. I think it is too late. She did mention to me last year that there are a few men that hate her because of things she has done and I have an odd feeling that someone from her past will hurt her. Remember," If you keep knocking on the Devils door sooner or later he will answer".(Julie suffers from what is called Machiavellianism. It’s a Anti-Social Personality Disorder. She is what is known as a Mach IV)* See the diagnosis at the end of this story.
Chapter Seven
You Have Been Dismissed
The day Julie disposed of me is burned in my mind because its so outrageous. I say disposed of me because that’s what it was. She was done with me so she threw me away like the trash.…This is how it happened. It was on the day before the of the Fourth of July 2007 at three fifteen p.m.....Last year 2006 one day later, at that time I was at her house at a family picnic..... Sorry, back to the present, 2007. I was riding my bike in town on a street that we once walked, near her house. She was walking south and I was going north and its strange to have met her where I did because I haven't seen her walking for a year. If you remember, we were inseparable walking partners last year. To see her walking brought back memories and a flashback of having sex in the bushes behind the hardware store in our town. Did I mention we were really close. Sorry, true but just being a wise ass. As I rode up to her on my bike I could see that she looked the same but maybe a little older with deeper lines in the corners of her famous eyes. Her clothes were the same, a low-cut pink sleeveless top with jean shorts and sneakers. Her hair was up in the classic walking pony tail. I haven't seen her in a long time, maybe two months but I did get the impression that she looked older. I remember thinking that because I hoped I didn’t give people the same impression. I coasted to a stop and put my bike on the sidewalk near her with the kickstand down. I walked close to her saying "Hi", expecting to get a normal greeting hug like we have been doing for the past year and a half. Its done all the time in A.A. by both men and woman as a sign of friendship and camaraderie. I say this only because what happened next was so unusual. I was stunned when I tried to hug her and she backed away from me. I was so stunned that my hands started to shake. I was in a kind of a shock because this never happened before but I ignored this the best I could and asked her in a typical A.A. way," very serious and calmly", "How she was doing?" and commented that, "she looked tired." Her reply was "Yah, I know, I had a rough night". Saying this with that special Julie grin and a slight flutter of her eyelashes that I became familiar with when I first met her at that morning meeting last year. The grin that says "I had wild sex all night and I am saying this because I know that you are thinking that the sex wasn’t with you and I am going to hurt you one more time and I love it". I know all her "tells", the involuntary glance to the left, the blinking of the eyes, the stammer, the gulp and the false start. She doesn’t know she does these things but at least two happen when she lies. The movements are so slight they are almost unnoticeable. The instant she said that I knew that all the A.A. meetings she went to in the past were wasted and she has not grown mentally at all. Her intention at that moment, when she said that was designed to hurt me and I know why. This is the way she acts and still doesn’t realize that I can see right through her and her acting. She goes to A.A to stay sober and not use drugs but has not changed her behavior at all. When she said that I knew that all the lies are still there like an infected sore just like when she first walked in the doors of A.A. At this moment I was looking at her and not hearing a word she was saying. My A.A. training is saying to get away from her yet I am amazed at her reasoning and denial. I brag at times in a wise guy way, that I have seen everything but she is unique. They threw away the mold when they made her. She is beyond repair. There is a special place in hell for woman like her. I knew a year ago that she was a dangerous psychopathic liar but I never give up on helping people so I stayed available for her to call if she ever wanted to drink or use drugs. I have never seen anyone hopeless until now. Its sad but I was with her on that street for less than three minutes and already she tried to hurt me. I wanted to cry. Her behavior that day was planned and designed to say something to keep me away from my son. From what I remember our discussion that afternoon was about my son and how much she wanted me and him to get along. That was a outright lie. In reality she wanted information about how I will stay away and not communicate with him. She wanted to find out if I really meant that. Its all in her plans for the future. She controls my son and her A.A. sponsors with a complicated web of lies but she can't control me so she puts up a wall so I can't get in. She is very cunning and diabolical. You will understand in a moment. Think about this. I have not seen her walk in town for over a year, yet on that day and at that time she shows up where she knows I will be. Remember, I know her every tell. I know her game. I know the way she thinks and she doesn’t believe that I know. I can tell you what she will do next. She was there looking for me for a reason. She was there to make sure I would not tell my son of our affair. She was there to put up the wall. Instead of telling the truth she went through all the planning with the hopes of meeting me "by accident.” and the odds of this happening are a thousand to one. What she did would not have happened unless she looked for me .Its so ridiculous that you wouldn’t believe if you didn’t know the way she operates. When I said, you look tired. Her response should have been." I know, I was up with a sick friend last night, or something appropriate, How are you" ? "Your looking well, its good to see you". Anybody that has been in A.A. for as long as she lies about would have said something like that. Then again this is not a perfect world. My thoughts flashed back to when she backed away from me. Remember the A.A. hug? I am not really listening to her, its like I am in this tunnel where I can hear only echoes of past conversations. I move in a little closer so I can hear her better and she backs away from me again. I think I ask her." What’s the problem"? I don’t remember her answering me. Just that stupid maniacal half grin. Thinking I made a mistake because I can’t believe what is happening, I move closer. She just backed away again. I wasn’t trying to touch her. I think I asked her "Why are you doing that"? No answer. Just that grin, that stupid half grin. This is strange behavior from a woman that would drop to her knees and perform oral sex on me anytime or place I asked her to. I couldn’t believe it when she said goodbye and blew me a kiss and just turned and walked away toward her house. I called to her but she never turned around. I just watched her until she crested a hill, about a quarter of a mile away. She never looked back. I was speechless and stunned .I don't remember how long I stood there. I was dismissed.
Chapter Eight
Poor Baby
When I finally came to my senses I found myself standing right where she left me. I was numb all over. I don't know how long I was standing there. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t know what to think. I think at first I was relieved, she would not bother me anymore. I always feel like that when she does this. Like when you first take a sliver of broken glass out of your finger and you know there won’t be an infection. Relieved. Then my mind does as it does all the time. It wants to know why she would do such a thing? I was confused and I knew why. I just could not believed that it happened again and now I have the "Poor Me's." After all the help I gave her. After all the things we did together, all the nights we slept together. I sort of feel that way because I wasted a lot of time helping her. I can't help it. When something like this happens I start feeling sorry for myself. I like it when a nice looking lady puts her arm around me and says aw poor baby, Let me kiss those tears away. Ok, OK I’m just kidding. Just a little bit of "Wishful thinking humor". After I recovered from being blind sided and raped mentally by Julie. I went home and began to think about what she said. I really don’t remember much. I was in shock. Its like the shock that protects your body and mind from further injury. In this case its my mind. Things were coming back to me in the form of flashbacks. I knew sooner or later I was going to get angry but because of my training and using the steps of A.A. I knew what to do with the anger. The next day as I was leaving the local supermarket in my car, guess who was coming the opposite way in the left lane? Right, you guessed it. I had my sunglasses on and tried not to look directly at her, to pretend not to notice. She was coming towards me and waving and smiling showing her teeth in that fake happiness wave she does. I drove towards her and then past ignoring the fake wave and smile. It was like she didn’t exist. It felt good. My hands didn’t stop shaking until I got home.
Chapter Nine
Relationships and Friends
So here I sit "One year later" not wanting a relationship but wishing I was in one. The thing is I don’t want to work at having one. What you have just read is a true story and what I went through for the past year after Julie raped me mentally for six months. It will be a while before I even think about being with someone. I like not having not having to wait for or pick up somebody. I like not having to entertain or have to think of something to say all the time. I do not want to play games and woman like to play head games. I am tired and I think she spoiled that for me for a while. Julie’s treachery and lies to me and everyone took its toll. To be honest I think I am loosing interest in the opposite sex. I have never discussed this with anyone but I truly don't want to be bothered. Don't get me wrong, I love woman and I still look but right now I don't think that I could handle that. Maybe in the future I might get back in the race but only with a special woman. Right now I will continue my regiment of special A.A. meetings and work on the damage she has done to me. I have been getting some help from some of the younger woman in one of the groups I attend.. One young girl who helps me knows all about the affair with Julie and helps me sort through some of the mistakes I made. She’s aware of Julie's past and reputation from years ago. Someone like this is hard to find. It happened like this. One evening in a small group that consisted of myself and two woman we were reading Step Four "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves".I usually wouldn’t say anything about the affair but I was feeling especially sad because of my son that evening so I talked about what I was went through. When a group is so small sometimes this is done. One of these wonderful girls put two and two together and talked to me after the meeting. She remembered that Julie was with me all the time and how she acted and wondered why I was with her. Now we talk every week about how I feel and what I did to recover from this extremely bad relationship. I also help her and she is grateful and we look forward to our talks. I have another female friend that helps me. This woman is not in the program and I sit and talk to her on a weekly basis. She too knows of Julie's reputation and has given me advice on things to do and about the way I feel. The main issue is to tell my son or not to tell my son. She thinks Julie will tell him someday in anger or to get even with him. I tend to agree. I have discovered that by sharing these issues with my friends Julie occupies a less prominent place in my mind. We have a paradox in A.A." We suffer to get well. There is no way to escape the terrible suffering of remorse, regret, shame and embarrassment which starts us on the road of getting well from our affliction". To me its important to tell him about our affair and suffer the consequences rather that have to think about it all the time. My friends seem to think that I will tell him when I am ready. When will I be ready? My old friend and mentor-sponsor, Bruce told me . "You will know when Its time.
Chapter Ten
My Type of Woman
This is a tongue in cheek example.
Forgive me ladies.
To the ladies. Before I start I will apologize because some of this text will sound like I am angry. I am not angry I am just being picky but in a way I am angry because I have been dating for the past year have not found a girl that fits into my life style. Did you notice I said girl not woman? I want a woman that acts like a girl not like a woman. A woman will understand. Got it? See what I mean it gets confusing to me too. I could blame Julie but its not her fault. I should blame her anyway after what she put me through but that’s life, live and learn. Some of you think I should let up on her but believe me she deserves everything she gets. The nice part is I have control over what I write and I can spill the beans or not. Gosh, I love saying that "spill the beans" but lets get back to business. I am a changed man so I have been getting more picky as each day goes by. The best part is I don't care. I am happy the way I am but the title of this chapter is "Relationships" so I will get to it. I am looking for non smoker, a girl between forty and forty-five years old with long hair, blond or brunette it does not matter. No cell phones. There is nothing worst than a cell phone trill in the middle of a conversation. Cell phones must be off or no cell phones. I will not compete with that. She must be athletic but short say around five-one or five-three and weighs about 110 pounds. She must be an avid book or book on CD reader. That’s nice when you have that in common. I want someone not afraid to wear a short skirt or a dress that looks sexy. I want someone that can keep up with me. Like I said I am an older guy and maybe I am having pipe dreams but I believe you are out there. At one point because I was lazy I went on line to E. Harmony and they actually sent me a picture of a white haired lady with a walker in the background. You can laugh if you want, those idiots were serious and I was angry. I DO NOT want someone who still cries when she talks about her ex-husband, ex-boyfriend, ex-lover or any ex-anything. I have been with woman who have said they still "feelings" for an ex-something or other. I DO NOT want someone who has (THOSE) feelings for any ex-anything’s. I have seen it all believe me. I DO NOT want a heavy woman or someone who won't wear shorts. This is true, I have seen that too. I have a thirty four waist and I work very hard at keeping that. I do not sit home and watch TV. I am very active and ride a bicycle five to ten miles a day rain or shine and I love it. In the winter I walk three to five miles a day or night depending how cold or bad the storm is. You must be attractive and willing to make love moments notice. I am looking for someone who can laugh so hard your sides hurt. You know what I mean.....You must like to take afternoon naps and snuggle while watching it rain or snow. I want a woman who is not afraid to tell me the way it is if she feels I deserve it. Ladies all this is not imposable You are out there! I will not go out or try anything else! When I see you I will know and so will you. I believe in desire at first sight. I know you know what I mean. I am not looking for a housekeeper or a cook. I am a good cook and would love to cook for you. I want a confidant, lover and someone who understands and will help me as I will help you. I like to laugh, smile and I am not afraid to cry .I just want to have fun. I don’t want to have to think of what to say or do. I don't mind working hard on a relationship as long as we work together. I like to sit around and not have to entertain you. No head games, no aggravation, just simple kindness. Am I dreaming? Maybe but all this is possible, that is who I am looking for. You know what I mean. I know you do. One look tells it all." A wink, a smile, that knowing look the one do then glance away. You look back quickly to see if I am looking. The look that says “Lets talk“.
Chapter Eleven
Saints and Sons
I cannot single anyone out. I wanted too but that’s not fair. I have a good relationship with one son. The others as my mother likes to say "Mind their own business". What can I say? My expectations don't count. I have always wanted them to be more social but I guess they are ashamed of themselves and don't want to be seen. At sometime during the past year amidst all the other things I have had to deal with and believe me "I am not feeling sorry for myself". I have made some major decisions about what I will try to do with the rest of my life. Ill get to that later but first let me tell you why my sons do what they do. It seems like they are angry or you could say defiantly distant. Maybe I just think that or they are that way. Ok, lets start there .....I have been sober for 30 years so if they are still resentful over the past, guess what! That is not my problem. So lets assume that is the issue, I don’t have a problem. Live and live. Ok......Lets figure out why the silence? I think I know why. They would disagree but remember, that’s not my problem. I am writing this so I will feel better. No, this is not all about me. I am just thinking that I need to say this. Don't get me wrong, I care but I can't do or fix anything unless I know what the problem is. Enough said, lets move on. The silence is because they either envy me or they fear me. I love them and will do anything for them. I try to set a good example and they want me to set an example then they resent me for it. They put me on a pedestal look up to me and then blame me for the pain in their neck. Every time they don't call or visit, to me that’s being disrespectful. Its really quite simple. Admit that? I don't think so, They never would but I know, they don't have to say anything. I have the power to get them angry and I don't have to be there and that is sad.
Part One
Future Problems
The happiest day of my life was when my number one son was born on September 12, 1963. He has a long running feud with me and I think its because of his use of drugs and alcohol. He started when he was very young. His mind never had the chance to mature. Its left him self-centered and selfish. The saddest day was when 6 years later I had to pick him up at the local grammar school because he did something to the teacher. I remember he was not very happy and the teacher was very upset. I don't remember much because it was the kind of kid thing that I blanked out of my mind. Years ago there was no diagnosis for what he had. Today, I think they would call “Attention Deficit Disorder“. I do know that is when all the trouble with my son and our family started. Its not all his fault. A lot is mine, some is my ex-wife. We were young and due to our inexperience or ignorance we all went through very trying times. I was sick and drinking at the time and some of the decisions I made were not thought about and the results were not very good. I have apologized many times for the way I was and the things I did. Again please keep in mind I was very sick at the time. I have mentioned that I have been sober for Thirty years so the lingering issues from the past are not my problem. It will be the future issues that will create all the problems. I am not going to predict what will happen although I know. I will end that with out another word. I dated his girlfriend Julie for 6 months before she started to go out with him and she did not tell him before or after they got serious. In the past year I have been thinking of these things. In reality, I’m wasting my time worrying about if she is going to tell him or not. The only good thing is that I know what she is made of. That is what this is all about. In the past chapters I talked about my ex-girlfriend now his girlfriend. I fear for him and what she will do to him. In my opinion he has never picked a good partner. He never uses the right head to think with. Then again this is none of my business. This woman is a serial liar and evil and sooner or later her true behavior will surface and she will get caught. As usual she will talk her way out of it as she has done time and time again. For me, this is none of my business but I have described in the past chapters what she will do so now we only sit and wait for the results in the future.
Part Two
The Beach
These are the problems I have been working on for the past year and because I finished I feel a lot better. I feel so much better that I have decided to move to the a place near the ocean. I investigated where senior housing was, found it and I put in a application and now I am waiting. The buildings are beautiful and I hope to be there soon. I didn’t retire to live where I did when I was a kid. I came here to help my parents and did that and I have never lived in one place for more than 5 years. I always say that I like to change the view from my window once and a while. I am doing nothing different. Since my fathers passing I have taking care of my mothers needs now it seems that I am getting the urge to move and I will. Someone will have to pick up the slack when I can’t get here. Don't get me wrong I love my mother but now its someone else’s turn to help. I love to keep a low profile. I have many A.A. friends and many senior friends. I also have great social skills and can make friends with anyone. Where I live now is nice and is very quiet but boring and I really need to leave. It seems no matter where I live things happen and the result is bad memories. I had a problem girlfriend and have a problem son. Its always been my solution to leave. I know people think that leaving is running but sometimes the change of scenery is the best medicine for bad memories. There is nothing I can do to help these people so why hang around. Like the man says " I’ve got things to do, places to see." The idea to move near the ocean was God sent and I thank my" Higher power" for giving me the inspiration and strength to follow through. It will difficult for me to move my belongings but I will do it with Gods help. I have already had volunteers that want to help me and that is very nice and a wonderful surprise’s will always be grateful. The best part is I didn’t ask them they asked me if they could help. I can't stop thinking about that but I may rent a truck and do it myself in one load. That my friends is a wish I was a “40 year old wishful thinking joke" …….Update….Since I wrote that Mom has passed and I have moved to the shoreline of Connecticut..
Epilogue
Part One
The last time I seen Julie was on September 2, 2007 at local super market at 11:30 A.M. I seen her walking towards me and recognized her immediately. She was about 30 yards away and didn’t see me. I noticed her because of her hair and her walking style. She has quick duck steps and has a habit of looking slightly right and left, not too much but just enough to see if anyone is watching. She did not see me at first and I know this because when she finally seen me she looked right at me and her face froze, her eyes involuntarily widened and she looked right at me with a half stare. She wanted to look away but couldn’t. She was hoping I didn’t see her, she was watching me to see if I did. Was that fear in her eyes? No, more than likely it was anticipation on what to say and do if I approached her. Her mind was spinning trying to think, Which face to put on? Should I smile? Which lie should I tell? Is he mad at me? Should I ignore him and walk away? Will he do anything if I did that? I know all her tells and this is exactly what went through her mind in that 3 seconds. I walked past her like she didn’t exist, like a she was invisible. She knew I seen her and It felt good to ignore her. As I was leaving the store smiling I had a passing thought to go and find her and humiliate her but chose not to. I don't trust myself. Plenty of time for that in the future. On the way to my car I looked down at my hands they were not shaking. I know, “She will be on the express elevator to hell a long time before the devil knows she’s dead.”
Part Two
So time still passes and again I am sorry this is done. I enjoy writing and will start on another true story soon. I am glad I am done with her except for the part when he finds out about our romance. I feel sad for him. Moving on, I am very active and still exercising every day and at times going to the beach to ride my bike near the ocean and I love it. It started to be a regular thing and I will keep doing that until I move. Its only 60 miles and not that far, its not like going to the moon. I hope my family and friends visit and I will welcome them with open arms. So till the next time or next story, God love you and thanks for reading this. I hope you learned something. For further explanation on her disorder read the following text…..Take what you need and leave the rest.
The End
The following explanation is abridged from *Wikipedia.
*"Machiavellians is the term some social and personality doctors use to describe a person's tendency to deceive and manipulate others for personal gain. The concept is named after a Renaissance diplomat and writer Niccolo Machiavelli. Machiavellianism can also refer to the doctrine Machiavelli. In the 1960s Richard Christie and Florence L. Geis developed a test for measuring a person's level of Machiavellianism. This eventually became the MACH-IV test, a twenty-statement personality survey that is now the standard self-assessment tool of Machiavellianism. People scoring above 60 out of 100 on the MACH-IV are considered high Mach’s, that is, they endorsed statements such as, "Never tell anyone the real reason you did something unless it is useful to do so. In a series of studies undertaken by Christie and Geis and Geis's graduate assistant David Berger, the notion of Machiavellianism was experimentally verified. High Mach’s tend to take a more detached, calculating approach in their lives. They believe some of the most efficient ways to achieve a goal are to use deception, rewards, promises, flattery, and even punishments to manipulate others into doing their bidding. In terms of the big five traits Machiavellians tend to be low on agreeableness and conscientiousness. Some scholars and researchers have attempted to find a correlation between Machiavellianism and narcissistic personality disorder and psychopathic. It could be understood that psychopaths and sociopaths have a similar disposition that could be identified with Machiavellianism, for sociopaths are known for manipulation and cunning. Psychopaths, however, generally have difficulty realizing or understanding the concepts of right and wrong, and tend not to have much regard for consequences. On the other hand, High Mach’s perhaps more or less view as Machiavelli did, and simply believe that while right and wrong have reality, that it is impractical to be ethical all the time, and that perhaps there is a difference between outright deception or exploitation. Subtle spins on the truth for the sake of what is seen as a more important cause that is not recognized by both parties. However, it may be difficult to distinguish between the two, because both types exhibit similar tendencies. Often while considering it important to mask or misrepresent their motives. In one last morbid example, Three years after our affair, Julie let a friend of mine die thinking that I deceived their family. She held back the truth about our affair to cover her lie and to save the relationship with my son. It must have paid off because they are now engaged. Like I said she will never change….
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