Supporting Someone Polyamorous

by Lola Phoenix, 2025 by Jessica Kingsley
Publishers, London and Philadelphia

Review by Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse

Lola Phoenix’ new book is an essential resource for anyone in a consensually nonmonogamous (CNM) relationship, as well as for anyone who would like to be supportive of a family member or friend who is in a nonmonogamous relationship. In this compact volume, Lola gets right to the point and provides clear and practical advice to help people provide support for their poly friends or relations. This book is useful for anyone who has someone in their lives who may be polyamorous by nature, or who may be exploring polyamory for the first time, or who may have stumbled into some form of CNM relationship. 

Lola starts by providing a short primer on the different models of nonmonogamous relationships,
as she accurately predicts that many people in our lives will have so little exposure to polypeople that they will have very little knowledge of the who, what, why, and how people “do” CNM relationships. That section alone would make a great stand-alone “zine” that poly folks could just hand to their friends and relations to answer all their “Why in the world would anyone do this?” and “How on earth does this poly thing work, anyway?” questions. Most poly people have answered these questions a few thousand times and would love to avoid answering them again. Thanks Lola!

The rest of the book is packed with tons of useful information, which is presented in a very caring and nonjudgemental way. I especially appreciated how Lola expresses a lot of compassion and understanding towards our loved ones who may be worried or alarmed by their relative or friend announcing that they are in a poly relationship or declaring that they are a polyamorous person. Lola gives people validation for their fears and concerns, acknowledging that our loved ones’ misgivings about polyamory are usually motivated by love and by their concern that we will be abused or taken advantage of, or will suffer more pain and heartbreak than we might if we stuck to the traditional monogamous script.

I believe Lola is quite correct in saying that our loved ones are skeptical of polyamory as they have not seen successful poly relationships in their own circles so they cannot imagine that this type of relationship could be sustainable. The book provides a great list of CNM-themed books, podcasts, and other resources to encourage our loved ones to first educate themselves, and then asks them to give as much support to their poly relative or friend as they feel is possible for them. Lola assures people that they do not have to be an expert on polyamory, but rather just demonstrate caring and openness to their poly loved one’s relationships and lifestyle. Then Lola advises people to think about their own needs and boundaries, and not to overextend or do anything that would violate their own values, but to provide love and acceptance for their polyamorous loved one within their own capabilities and limits. This approach is a great strength of this book, which I have not seen articulated in quite this way anywhere else. I believe this book will help many people feel safe in opening their hearts to a poly relative or friend to listen and be there for them.  

Another important strength of this book which I have not seen elsewhere is that it encourages people to help their poly loved ones navigate the process of coming out to the rest of their family members and friends. Lola advocates a strategy of “testing the waters” by mentioning to other loved ones about a celebrity they have read about who is poly, or an acquaintance that is exploring CNM, as a “pre-coming out” exercise to gauge people’s reactions. This can help a polyfriend decide whether to come out to people, and if so, who to come out to and when. This is what I have called “the platform release strategy” and is exactly the process I have encouraged queer people to employ in “testing” their straight immediate family members and close friends to see if they are safe people to come out to. Lola encourages supportive family members and friends to reduce the burden of coming out on the poly people by doing some of the “heavy lifting” to protect their poly loved ones, and this is a wonderful way to support a poly loved one who may be overwhelmed by the anxiety and vulnerability of trying to come out to their whole family.

Thanks Lola Phoenix for another unique and useful book!