thesadhistoryofbeautifulbillybodie
The Sad History of Beautiful Billy Bodie
Beautiful Billy Bodie, was a beautiful child who ran away to sea (well the Birkenhead Ferry) when he was 14 to escape the attentions of the Nasty Big Boys who hung around on the street corners of Liverpool (having moved from Derby because Doyle kept stabbing them).
Unfortunately, he was molested by a visiting Merchant Marine and taken abroad with him as his (the Merchant Marine's) porcupine.
After weeks of abuse on the High Seas, he jumped ship in Africa where he met the wicked Krivas who took him on as his (Krivas'ses) catamount and who shagged him in the Serengetti, fucked him in Freetown and cornholed him in the Congo.
Somewhere along the line he learned to be a fighting man, deadly with a rifle, Great Big Knife with a pointy bit on the end and sundry explosives: although somehow it never occurred to him to use any of this expertise on Krivas, who was a little fat bloke from Belgium. He was so good at this that he made lots of money but Krivas took it all off him and gave him to THE NATIVES, so they could have their evil way with him, because it was so much eviller than anything paragons like Frankie Lapallier and Benny Wassname could come up with.
In fact he got:
Awfully abused in Angola
Brutally buggered in Burundi
Constantly corn holed in the Congo
Desperately degraded in Dhaka
Endlessly emasculated (metaphorically) in Ethiopia
Forced to fellate in Freetown
Grievously groped in Ghana
Horribly humped in Harare
Injuriously interfered with in Istanbul
Just plain jumped in the jungle
Knavishly knobbed in Kenya
Loutishly Laid in Liberia
Maniacally man-handled in Morocco
Nastily nailed in Nigeria
'Orribly osculated in Oman
Perpetually palpated in Port Elizabeth
and was Quite quieted in Qatar by
Regular rogering in Rwanda
and was Serially sodomised in Sierra Leone
Terribly topped in Timbuktu
Unnaturally undone in Upper Volta
Very victimised in (lower) Volta, and is therefore
Weary and worn in West Africa and
Xtremely xposed to xenophobia due to
Yet more yanking by youthful Yorubas who
Zealously unZipped him in Zambia
He also caught Jungle Fever and was only rescued by Sister Frances of the Foul Mouth who told his father where he (his father) could find him (Beautiful Bodie) who, despite a life of sexual abuse at the hands of Krivas and THE NATIVES, was still incredibly beautiful.
But BB was so confused that he spurned his (the father's) approaches thinking him just interested in a bit of his Beautiful Arse and Cowley (for it was he) left in a dudgeon - a small Congolese taxi.
Meanwhile, Krivas has found out about the Girl Without A Name, whom BB has loved from a far and he (Krivas) killed her (The Girl without a Name) even though he (BB) had never laid a finely-honed killing hand upon her.
He also beat up BB just for practice. At this Sister Frances told him not to be such a fucking wimp and gave him the bus fare to Paris - it being a Sunday the buses to England weren't running.
When BB arrived in Paris he was skint and he said to himself - I am a healthy young man, sound in wind and limb, versed in the arts of skulduggery (a small town in the Congo), shall I throw myself upon the mercy of the British Embassy? Shall I find a rich man to mug? Shall I hitch hike to the Channel and work my passage to England? Shall I join
the foreign legion? Nah, I am incredibly beautiful - I'll go on the streets and being so incredibly beautiful I will make hardly any money at it and be beaten up on a regular basis.
Meanwhile back in London, he (Cowley) heard through his sauces that BB is on the streets and runs to rescue him, not before BB as been horribly abused by the obviously incredibly butch (not to mention short-sighted) homosexual population of Paris.
BB - his self-esteem lower than a frog's arse down a coal mine, agrees to be rescued by his Dad but insists on joining the Parachute Regiment who are well-known for their rehabilitation facilities, though first of course he has to go to college to get the 17 A levels he needs to join the British Infantry as a private.
At college he meets a lissom green-eyed tempter of an Art Student , who does him up the bum twice nightly and three times on Sundays until he finds out that Bodie was once bum boy to the Roughest Toughest Mercenary Gang this side of the Pecos and spurns him horribly.
BB (having got 16 A levels) decides not to stick around for Domestic Science - this explains of course why Doyle does all the cooking - and runs away to the paras where he is horribly abused by everybody from the Colonel to the Regimental Goat.
Luckily Cowley manages to wangle his transfer to the SAS where he is hardly horribly abused at all and doesn't know what to do with himself in the long winter evenings. There he meets Keller who does him up the bum nightly and twice on Sundays -- he doesn't love BB enough to manage it as often as Doyle did. And ever BB pines for the paint-stained
fingers and enormous love-muscle of the artist who spurned him horribly,
Meanwhile Cowley, who hasn't much to do either, subtly steers Doyle into the Met and then into CI5 ready for the day that he can subtly steer BB into joining too - that way at least his lad will have someone who can give him (BB) a damn good seeing-to on a regular basis - and what more could a father want? "Ah may not have been there when you were a wee
laddie, Bodie, but at least Ah managed to find someone to stick their John Thomas up your beautiful behind."
The End
