Monty Python's Dead Vulcan Sketch
Kirk : John Cleese
McCoy : Michael Palin
~~~~~~~~~~
The Bridge of the Enterprise - 1701. Kirk is in the centre chair.
Someone is slumped over Spock's station. Kirk thumbs the
intercom.
KIRK: McCoy to the Bridge
McCoy appears in short-sleeved medical tunic, somewhat
stained in green.
KIRK : I wish to make a complaint..... (MCoy won't meet his
eyes) Hello? Miss?
McCOY : What do you mean, miss?
KIRK: Oh I'm sorry, I have Vegan choriomenegitis. Look,
I wish to make a complaint about this 'ere Vulcan what you
sent up not half an hour ago from sickbay.
McCOY: Oh yes, the one in science blue. What's wrong
with him?
KIRK: I'll tell you what's wrong with him. He's dead, that's
what's wrong with him.
McCOY: No, no he's in a healing trance, look!
KIRK: Dammit, McCoy, I know a dead Vulcan when I see
one and I'm looking at one now.
McCOY: No, no, Jim. He's not dead, he's in a healing
trance.
KIRK: A healing trance?
McCOY: Yeah, remarkable race the Vulcans,
beautiful ear'oles.
KIRK: The ear'oles don't enter into it - he's stone dead.
McCOY: No, no -- he's in an 'ealing trance.
KIRK: All right then, if he's in a healing trance, I'll wake
him up. (slaps the body's face and yells) Wakey
wakey Spock - the 7 years are u-up. Tonight's the
ni-ight!!
McCOY (jogging the body) There he moved.
KIRK: No he didn't. That was you.
McCOY: No it wasn't
KIRK: Yes, it was. (Shouts in the body's ear) Plomeek,
lovely hot plomeek!! (no reaction. Hits the body again)
There, this Vulcan is dead..
McCoy: No, no he's stunned.
KIRK: Look my lad, I've had just enough of this. This
Vulcan is definitely deceased. And when you sent
him up not half an hour ago, you assured me that
his lack of movement was due to him being tired
and shagged out after a long mind meld.
McCOY: He's probably pining for Selaya.
KIRK: Pining for Selaya. PINING FOR SELAYA!! What
kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his
face the moment he got here?
McCOY: Vulcans prefer thinking on their faces. Beautiful
race, lovely ear'oles.
KIRK: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Vulcan,
and I discovered that the only reason that he had
been sitting at his station in the first place was that he'd
been nailed there.
McCOY: Well of course he was nailed there. Otherwise he'd
into a shuttlecraft and off back to Vulcan at warp
factor 3 - voom.
KIRK: Look matey (pokes at body) this Vulcan wouldn't
voom if I put four hundred millecochrane's through
him. He's bleeding demised.
McCOY: He's not, he's pining.
KIRK: He's not pining, he's passed on. This Vulcan is no more.
He has ceased to be. He did not live long or prosper.
He's a stiff. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. If you hadn't
nailed him to his station, we'd be fitting him for a torpedo.
He has rendered up his katra. He has joined the Halls of
Ancient Thought. He is as one with Surak.
This is an ex-Vulcan.
(Pause)
McCOY: Well, I'd better replace him then.
KIRK (to camera) If you want to get anything done in Starfleet
you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
McCOY: Sorry Jim, we're right out of Vulcans
KIRK: I see. I see. I get the picture.
McCOY: I've got an android
KIRK: Does it struggle with its emotions?
McCOY: No, not really but it wants to.
KIRK: Well, I suppose it'll have to do.
Two orderlies carry the body off and Data walks on.