Embedded Files
COME LAUGH WITH US!
COME LAUGH WITH US!
If you know a joke or two, send it to Steve at stephenlong10@gmail.com and we will publish it.
From September 2025 ICO Newsletter:
Jokes by Sandra
I told a joke during my Zoom meeting. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny!
Juan and Amal are identical twins. Their mother only carries one picture in her wallet. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.
My wife called out to me from the other room: “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest…like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it? I said, “No!” She said, “…How about now?”
A cheese factory in France exploded. It blue cheese with such force, there were reports of de brie everywhere.
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is, “Goodbye”.
Labor Day celebrates the contribution of workers to our economy. We celebrate it by not working.
This Labor Day, take comfort in the knowledge that the pressure to have fun this summer is finally off.
I wish I made enough money from my labor to be able to afford a Labor Day vacation.
From June 2025 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Father’s Day:
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid.
"It's state of the art," he said. "It cost me a fortune."
"Awesome. What type is it?" I asked. "2:30," he said.
I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, “You.”
Happy Father’s Day to a dad that was smart enough to teach his kid to mow the lawn so he wouldn’t have to.
Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.
Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait!
Dad Quotes
“Me and my dad used to play tag. He’d drive.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” —Jerry Seinfeld
“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” —Rita Rudner
“Four-year-old: Tell me a scary story! Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions. Four-year-old: Why?” —James Breakwell
“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say, ‘Yeah? When?’” —Bill Hicks
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant; I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” —Mark Twain
“When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'” —Jerry Lewis
From May 2025 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Mother’s Day:
A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day but the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, her husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not believing her, he asked again. “No seriously, what’s wrong?”
Finally she said, “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as ‘Thank you.'”
“Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I had a Father’s Day gift.”
“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
What’s a Man?
A kid asks his dad, “What’s a man?” The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.” The kid says, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
Jokes by Sandra Leone
Thanks Sandra!
I found a website today that sells nothing but sausage. I’ll send you a link. I have to warn you; their customer service is the wurst.
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on the planet? That’s right, it’s pasteurized before you see it.
I saw on the news that our police station had all of their toilets stolen. They are investigating, but they have nothing to go on.
Lance is an uncommon name these days. But back in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.
From April 2025 ICO Newsletter:
Prayer for Easter
Young Ernie and his family were invited to have Easter lunch at his grandmother's house in Monkey's Eyebrow, Arizona. USA. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Ernie received his plate he started eating straight away.
'Ernie, wait until we say grace,' demanded his father.
'I don't have to,' the five-year old replied.
'Of course you do, Ernest,' his mother insisted rather forcefully. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house,' Ernie explained, 'but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook.' 364 days of the year: Do NOT eat anything you find on the ground.
Easter: Go and search in the dirt for candy a strange giant bunny left for you, kids!
A parishioner was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the parishioner by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The parishioner replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Thanks once again to autocorrect, my sister's kids are expecting the Easter Rabbi tomorrow
Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail? To a re-tail store
From March 2025 ICO Newsletter:
An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.
'I gave you a sham rock.'
Old Man at the Dam
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten liter bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.
St. Patrick’s Day One-Liners
I went out drinking on St Patrick’s Day, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? Regular rocks are too heavy.
Drink green beer on St Patrick’s Day! It counts as a vegetable!
From February 2025 ICO Newsletter:
Black and White Wedding
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Two Sisters
A matchmaker goes to see Luigi, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Luigi, I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!"
"Don't bother," replies Luigi, "I have two sisters at home who look after all my needs."
That's all well and good but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife," the matchmaker replies.
"I said 'two sisters,'" Luigi responds: "I didn't say they were mine."
Valentine's Quotes for Him and Her
Joan Crawford
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
Ambrose Bierce
"Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage."
Agatha Christie
“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.”
Cannoli Gift
I gave my girlfriend a cannoli for Valentine's Day. When she asked why, I said, "I cannoli be happy when I'm with you."
Retirement, A Wife’s View
A frustrated wife told me the other day her definition of retirement:
“Twice as much husband on half as much pay.”
From January 2025 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of New Year’s:
How you elect to spend New Year’s Eve will depend on your:
1. age
2. remaining levels of optimism
3. threshold of pain
Every New Year’s I have the same question: “How did I get home?”
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
On New Year’s, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.
Women get a little more excited about New Year’s Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.
New Year’s parades have a lot in common with Santa Claus. Nobody is awake to see either one of them.
My New Year’s resolution is to try to remember why I've walked into a room.
A New Year Prayer for the Elderly
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
On New Year’s Eve, Mario was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.
‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Mario.
‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.
‘My wife,’ slurred Mario grimly.
A New Year's Wish
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.
My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
From December 2024 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Christmas:
Something Fast
A woman, shortly before Christmas, told her husband that she would like something able to go from 0 to 100 in more or less 4 seconds ... It goes without saying that she wanted a new car. The husband was a bit of a cheapskate. So for Christmas, the woman received a scale!
Train Set
Mason says to his mother: You can delete the train set from my Christmas wish list.
Mother: Why is that?
Mason: Yesterday, I found one in the closet.
Scrooge
I asked Ebenezer Scrooge "Where is your Christmas spirit?" and he pointed to the liquor cabinet.
Mafia Christmas
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."
Early Shopper
It is late December and the correctional court judge is in a good mood. He asks the defendant: "What are you accused of?" The defendant replies "I am accused of having done my Christmas shopping too early!" The judges says "But that's not a crime." "Well, it was before the store opened..."
The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus 4. You look like Santa Claus
Nativity Scene
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar."
From November 2024 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Thanksgiving:
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him, "Son, I'm really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can't live with each other anymore."
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?"
The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other anymore. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?"
The father then hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced!
Leave it to me; I'll take care of this."
So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?"
She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Thanksgiving One-Liners
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. -Johnny Carson
What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving Day? On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.
About two weeks into November, the head turkey turns to his second-in-command and says, “I have a feeling something’s going down. The farmer just unfriended me on Facebook.”
Thanksgiving Parrot
A man always wanted a parrot since he was a boy, his family knowing this decided to surprise him on Thanksgiving Day.
Now the parrot wasn't raised in a Christian environment and it was mocking, insulting, and threatening the man. That thanksgiving day he got the man, so angry that he put the parrot in the freezer.
After 3 minutes he let the parrot out. The parrot says "I take it by your attitude and behavior I somehow offended you." The man says "You did." Then the parrot says "Can I ask you one more question?" The man says "Sure. What is it?" The parrot asked "What did the turkey do?"
From October 2024 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Columbus Day:
Where did Columbus first land in America? On his feet!
In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue...........
And in 1495 his luggage and baggage finally arrived.
Q: How was Christopher Columbus like ants?
A: They both established colonies.
Q: Where did Columbus take his boat when it had a hole in it? A: To the nearest doc.
Jokes by Sandra
I adopted a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
Sometimes I like my steak undercooked, but that’s rare.
I love going outdoors. It is so much safer than going out windows.
I’ve noticed that North Americans use some French words regularly, such as hors d’oeuvres.., and that’s just for starters.
From September 2024 ICO Newsletter:
Jokes by Sandra
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM this morning. Can you imagine that 2:30 AM! It’s a good thing I was still up playing my drums.
Someone asked if I would like to buy a pocket calculator. I said no, because I already know how many pockets I have.
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away, and you have their shoes.
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is, “Goodbye”.
Labor Day celebrates the contribution of workers to our economy. We celebrate it by not working.
This Labor Day, take comfort in the knowledge that the pressure to have fun this summer is finally off.
I wish I made enough money from my labor to be able to afford a Labor Day vacation.
From June 2024 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Father’s Day:
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid.
"It's state of the art," he said. "It cost me a fortune."
"Awesome. What type is it?" I asked. "2:30," he said.
I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, “You.”
Happy Father’s Day to a dad that was smart enough to teach his kid to mow the lawn so he wouldn’t have to.
Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.
Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait!
Dad Quotes
“Me and my dad used to play tag. He’d drive.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” —Jerry Seinfeld
“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” —Rita Rudner
“Four-year-old: Tell me a scary story! Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions. Four-year-old: Why?” —James Breakwell
“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say, ‘Yeah? When?’” —Bill Hicks
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant; I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” —Mark Twain
“When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'” —Jerry Lewis
From May 2024 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Mother’s Day:
A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day but the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, her husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not believing her, he asked again. “No seriously, what’s wrong?”
Finally she said, “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as ‘Thank you.'”
“Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I had a Father’s Day gift.”
“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
What’s a Man?
A kid asks his dad, “What’s a man?” The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.” The kid says, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
Jokes by Sandra Leone
Thanks Sandra!
I found a website today that sells nothing but sausage. I’ll send you a link. I have to warn you; their customer service is the wurst.
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on the planet? That’s right, it’s pasteurized before you see it.
I saw on the news that our police station had all of their toilets stolen. They are investigating, but they have nothing to go on.
Lance is an uncommon name these days. But back in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.
From April 2024 ICO Newsletter:
Prayer for Easter
Young Ernie and his family were invited to have Easter lunch at his grandmother's house in Monkey's Eyebrow, Arizona. USA. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Ernie received his plate he started eating straight away.
'Ernie, wait until we say grace,' demanded his father.
'I don't have to,' the five-year old replied.
'Of course you do, Ernest,' his mother insisted rather forcefully. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house,' Ernie explained, 'but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook.'364 days of the year: Do NOT eat anything you find on the ground.
Easter: Go and search in the dirt for candy a strange giant bunny left for you, kids!
A parishioner was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the parishioner by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The parishioner replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Thanks once again to autocorrect, my sister's kids are expecting the Easter Rabbi tomorrow
Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail? To a re-tail store
From March 2024 ICO Newsletter:
Big Rock
An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled. 'I gave you a sham rock.'
Old Man at the Dam
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten liter bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.
St. Patrick’s Day One-Liners
I went out drinking on St Patrick’s Day, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? Regular rocks are too heavy.
Drink green beer on St Patrick’s Day! It counts as a vegetable
From February 2024 ICO Newsletter:
Black and White Wedding
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Two Sisters
A matchmaker goes to see Mr. Henderson, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Henderson, I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!"
"Don't bother," replies Mr. Henderson, "I have two sisters at home who look after all my needs."
That's all well and good but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife," the matchmaker replies.
"I said 'two sisters,'" Mr. Henderson responds: "I didn't say they were mine."
Valentine's Quotes for Him and Her
Joan Crawford-- "Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
Ambrose Bierce--"Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage."
Agatha Christie--“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.”
Rodney Dangerfield--“My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.”
Cannoli Gift
I gave my girlfriend a cannoli for Valentine's Day. When she asked why, I said, "I cannoli be happy when I'm with you."
Retirement, A Wife’s View
A frustrated wife told me the other day her definition of retirement:
“Twice as much husband on half as much pay.”
From January 2024 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of New Year’s:
How you elect to spend New Year’s Eve will depend on your:
1. age
2. remaining levels of optimism
3. threshold of pain
Every New Year’s I have the same question: “How did I get home?”
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
On New Year’s, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.
Women get a little more excited about New Year’s Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.
New Year’s parades have a lot in common with Santa Claus. Nobody is awake to see either one of them.
My New Year’s resolution is to try to remember why I've walked into a room.
A New Year Prayer for the Elderly
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
On New Year’s Eve, Mario was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.
‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Mario.
‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.
‘My wife,’ slurred Mario grimly.
A New Year's Wish
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.
My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
From December 2023 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Christmas:
Something Fast
A woman, shortly before Christmas, told her husband that she would like something able to go from 0 to 100 in more or less 4 seconds ... It goes without saying that she wanted a new car. The husband was a bit of a cheapskate. So for Christmas, the woman received a scale!
Train Set
Mason says to his mother: You can delete the train set from my Christmas wish list.
Mother: Why is that?
Mason: Yesterday, I found one in the closet.
Scrooge
I asked Ebenezer Scrooge "Where is your Christmas spirit?" and he pointed to the liquor cabinet.
Mafia Christmas
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."
Early Shopper
It is late December and the correctional court judge is in a good mood. He asks the defendant: "What are you accused of?" The defendant replies "I am accused of having done my Christmas shopping too early!" The judges says "But that's not a crime." "Well, it was before the store opened..."
The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus 2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus 4. You look like Santa Claus
Nativity Scene
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"
From November 2023 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Thanksgiving:
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him, "Son, I'm really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can't live with each other anymore."
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?"
The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other anymore. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?"
The father then hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced!
Leave it to me; I'll take care of this."
So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?"
She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Thanksgiving One-Liners
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. -Johnny Carson
What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving Day? On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.
About two weeks into November, the head turkey turns to his second-in-command and says, “I have a feeling something’s going down. The farmer just unfriended me on Facebook.”
From October 2023 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Columbus Day:
Where did Columbus first land in America? On his feet!
In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue...........
And in 1495 his luggage and baggage finally arrived.
Q: How was Columbus’s ship like Black Friday?
A: They’re both driven by sails.
Q: What’s the difference between Christopher Columbus and the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz?
A: One left his Spain behind and the other left his brain behind.
Q: How was Christopher Columbus like ants?
A: They both established colonies.
Q: Where did Columbus take his boat when it had a hole in it?
A: To the nearest doc.
From September 2023 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Labor Day:
I’m going to spend Labor Day putting my liver to work.
Labor Day celebrates the contribution of workers to our economy. We celebrate it by not working.
This Labor Day, take comfort in the knowledge that the pressure to have fun this summer is finally off.
I wish I made enough money from my labor to be able to afford a Labor Day vacation.
From June 2023 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Father’s Day:
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid.
"It's state of the art," he said. "It cost me a fortune."
"Awesome. What type is it?" I asked. "2:30," he said.
I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, “You.”
Happy Father’s Day to a dad that was smart enough to teach his kid to mow the lawn so he wouldn’t have to.
Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.
Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait!
Dad Quotes
“Me and my dad used to play tag. He’d drive.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” —Jerry Seinfeld
“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” —Rita Rudner
“Four-year-old: Tell me a scary story! Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions. Four-year-old: Why?” —James Breakwell
“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say, ‘Yeah? When?’” —Bill Hicks
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant; I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” —Mark Twain
“When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'” —Jerry Lewis
From May 2023 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Mother’s Day:
A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day but the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, her husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not believing her, he asked again. “No seriously, what’s wrong?”
Finally she said, “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as ‘Thank you.'”
“Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I had a Father’s Day gift.”
“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
What’s a Man?
A kid asks his dad, “What’s a man?” The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.” The kid says, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
Why Still Single?
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married?”
Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?” Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
From April 2023 ICO Newsletter:
Prayer for Easter
Young Ernie and his family were invited to have Easter lunch at his grandmother's house in Monkey's Eyebrow, Arizona. USA. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Ernie received his plate he started eating straight away.
'Ernie, wait until we say grace,' demanded his father.
'I don't have to,' the five-year old replied.
'Of course you do, Ernest,' his mother insisted rather forcefully. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house,' Ernie explained, 'but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook.'
364 days of the year: Do NOT eat anything you find on the ground.
Easter: Go and search in the dirt for candy a strange giant bunny left for you, kids!
A parishioner was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the parishioner by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The parishioner replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Thanks once again to autocorrect, my sister's kids are expecting the Easter Rabbi tomorrow
Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail?
To a re-tail store
Easter One-Liners
What kind of hotel rooms do chocolate bunnies reserve? Sweets.
Easter eggs hunts: Proof your child can find things when they really want to.
From March 2023 ICO Newsletter:
Big Rock
An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.
'I gave you a sham rock.'
Old Man at the Dam
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten liter bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.
St. Patrick’s Day One-Liners
I went out drinking on St Patrick’s Day, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? Regular rocks are too heavy.
Drink green beer on St Patrick’s Day! It counts as a vegetable!
From February 2023 ICO Newsletter:
A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift
Luigi asked his friend, Mario, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
“Yes,” came the answer from Mario who was a bit of a chauvinist, “I've bought her a belt and a bag.”
“That was very kind of you,” Luigi added, “I hope she appreciated the thought.”
Mario smiled as he replied, “So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.”
Valentine Dreams
One morning Maria woke up with a start. Her husband Mario asked what was the matter, she told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," Mario said.
That evening, Mario came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Maria opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
500 Valentine Cards Sent by Desperate Man
Luigi walked into a post office just before Valentine's Day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Luigi's curiosity had got the better of him, and so he asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asked Luigi.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.
Valentine Flowers
My disappointed wife called me from her work phone the day after Valentine's Day. She said, "Three of the girls in the office received flowers yesterday. They are absolutely gorgeous."
I said, "Well that's probably why they received flowers then."
From January 2023 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of New Year’s:
How you elect to spend New Year’s Eve will depend on your:
1. age
2. remaining levels of optimism
3. threshold of pain
Every New Year’s I have the same question: “How did I get home?”
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
On New Year’s, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.
Women get a little more excited about New Year’s Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.
New Year’s parades have a lot in common with Santa Claus. Nobody is awake to see either one of them.
My New Year’s resolution is to try to remember why I've walked into a room.
A New Year Prayer for the Elderly
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
On New Year’s Eve, Mario was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.
‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Mario.
‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.
‘My wife,’ slurred Mario grimly.
A New Year's Wish
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.
My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
From December 2022 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Christmas:
Something Fast
A woman, shortly before Christmas, told her husband that she would like something able to go from 0 to 100 in more or less 4 seconds ... It goes without saying that she wanted a new car. The husband was a bit of a cheapskate. So for Christmas, the woman received a scale!
Train Set
Mason says to his mother: You can delete the train set from my Christmas wish list.
Mother: Why is that?
Mason: Yesterday, I found one in the closet.
Scrooge
I asked Ebenezer Scrooge "Where is your Christmas spirit?" and he pointed to the liquor cabinet.
Nativity Scene
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Italian Novelty Items and Souvenirs
We have a number of items left over from the festival for members to buy: key chains, stickers, new items, etc. Contact Steve if you are interested in purchasing a novelty item. Please remember that the proceeds go toward Club operating expenses.
Mafia Christmas
A Mafioso’s son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."
Early Shopper
It is late December and the correctional court judge is in a good mood. He asks the defendant: "What are you accused of?" The defendant replies "I am accused of having done my Christmas shopping too early!" The judges says "But that's not a crime." "Well, it was before the store opened..."
The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus
From November 2022 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Thanksgiving:
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him, "Son, I'm really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can't live with each other anymore."
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?"
The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other anymore. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?"
The father then hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced!
Leave it to me; I'll take care of this."
So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?"
She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Thanksgiving One-Liners
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. -Johnny Carson
What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving Day? On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.
About two weeks into November, the head turkey turns to his second-in-command and says, “I have a feeling something’s going down.
The farmer just unfriended me on Facebook.”
Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," Little Johnny wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
From October 2022 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Columbus Day:
Where did Columbus first land in America? On his feet!
In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue...........
And in 1495 his luggage and baggage finally arrived.
Q: How was Columbus’s ship like Black Friday?
A: They’re both driven by sails.
Q: What’s the difference between Christopher Columbus and the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz?
A: One left his Spain behind and the other left his brain behind.
Q: How was Christopher Columbus like ants?
A: They both established colonies.
Q: Where did Columbus take his boat when it had a hole in it? A: To the nearest doc.
Italian-American Heritage
Month – October 2022
This October, marks Italian-American Heritage Month by recognizing the contributions and achievements of Italian-Americans. Italian-American Heritage Month celebrates the distinguished cultural contributions of Americans with Italian lineage.
Over 26 million Americans of Italian descent currently reside in the U.S. — making up America’s seventh largest ethnic group. The heritage month is in October to coincide with Columbus Day
From September 2022 ICO Newsletter:
I’m going to spend Labor Day putting my liver to work.
Labor Day celebrates the contribution of workers to our economy. We celebrate it by not working.
This Labor Day, take comfort in the knowledge that the pressure to have fun this summer is finally off.
I wish I made enough money from my labor to be able to afford a Labor Day vacation.
From June 2022 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Father’s Day:
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid.
"It's state of the art," he said. "It cost me a fortune."
"Awesome. What type is it?" I asked. "2:30," he said.
I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, “You.”
Happy Father’s Day to a dad that was smart enough to teach his kid to mow the lawn so he wouldn’t have to.
Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.
Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait!
Dad Quotes
“Me and my dad used to play tag. He’d drive.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” —Jerry Seinfeld
“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” —Rita Rudner
“Four-year-old: Tell me a scary story! Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions. Four-year-old: Why?” —James Breakwell
“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say, ‘Yeah? When?’” —Bill Hicks
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant; I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” —Mark Twain
“When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'” —Jerry Lewis
From May 2022 ICO Newsletter:
I just tried to deice my windshield with a loyalty card.
I only got 10% off.
What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
A may be.
Did you hear the incredible news about the blind construction worker?
He picked up a hammer and saw!
A truck carrying Lego bricks turned over on the highway.
The police say they don't know what to make of it.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Okay, you're ugly too."
A man told me he saw a bear on his way to work this morning.
I asked him how he knew the bear was on his way to work!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
Thanks to Sandra for the jokes!
My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. - Oscar Wilde
There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. - Chinese Proverb
From March 2022 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of St. Patrick’s Day:
St. Patrick’s Day One-Liners
I went out drinking on St Patrick’s Day, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? Regular rocks are too heavy.
Drink green beer on St Patrick’s Day! It counts as a vegetable!
St. Patrick's Day Parade
Hoffman and Puscas are bombed, watching the St. Patrick's Day Parade, when one of them drops his lit cigarette into a damp mattress that's been left out on the sidewalk.
The mattress starts to smolder just as the blue-hair brigade, the Ladies' Auxiliary, is passing by. Hoffman takes a whiff, turns to Puscas, and says, "Man... you think maybe they're marching these ladies too fast?"
If Men Ruled the World - Drinking
Instead of a beer belly, you'd get beer biceps.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
St. Patrick's Day would be
celebrated monthly.
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
Big Rock
An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.
'I gave you a sham rock.'
From February 2022 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Valentine’s Day:
How can you save money on Valentine's gifts? Become single.
Why would Forrest Gump be a good Valentine? He'd probably gift a box of chocolates.
Who always has a date on Valentine's Day? The calendar.
I 'm going to spend Valentine's Day with my true love... food.
What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy Independence Day!
Forget Valentine's Day. I 'm just waiting for the discounted chocolate.
Man: "Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I 'm not rich like Jack. I don't have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and want to marry you. Woman: "Oh, dear, I love you too! What was that you said about Martin?"
Me: "I love you." You: "Is that you or the wine talking?" Me: "It's me talking to the wine."
I just saved a bunch of money on Valentine's Day by switching to single.
What's the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14.
I gave my girlfriend a cannoli for Valentine's Day. When she asked why, I said, "I cannoli be happy when I'm with you."
AN OLDER WOMAN runs into her friend at the mall. “You’re not going to believe this,” she said. “I found an old lamp the other day. I rubbed it and a genie popped out. He explained that genies don’t give three wishes anymore, but he did offer me a choice between one of two wishes. He could give me a better memory or turn my husband into the greatest lover ever.”
“Tough choice,” said her friend. “Which one did you choose?” “That’s the thing. I can’t remember.”
From January 2022 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of New Year’s:
Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up for New Year’s. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
What do New Year’s parades have in common with Santa Claus? No one is ever awake to see them.
What is a New Year’s resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.
What’s the worst part of jogging on New Year’s Eve? The ice falling out of your drink!
My New Year’s resolution was to drop my bad habits, but no one likes a quitter.
A woman took an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve. When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?” He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!” At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped present. Excited, she opened it quickly, but was even more surprised: In it was a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.
A man asks his buddy for a cigarette. His friend quips, “I thought you made a New Year’s resolution and that you don’t smoke.” The man replied, “I’m in phase one of quitting.” Confused, his friend asked, “Phase one?” The man laughed, “Yes. I’ve quit buying.”
This New Year’s, I’m going to make a resolution I can keep: no dieting all year long.
What’s the easiest way to keep your New Year’s resolution to read more?
Watch TV with subtitles.
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
From December 2021 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Christmas:
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph.
How is Christmas exactly like your job? You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has No-el.es
What do you call a broke Santa? Saint Nickel-less
What’s every parent’s favorite Christmas Carol? Silent Night.
What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A pineapple!
What kind of motorcycle does Santa like to ride? A Holly Davidson!
How does a snowman lose weight? He waits for the weather to get warmer!
What should you give your parents at Christmas? A list of what you want.
What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa walking backwards!
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house!
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So I bought her nothing.
The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
How do you scare a snowman? Grab a hairdryer!
What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
From November 2021 ICO Newsletter:
Benefits of old age….
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim".
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... “I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
From October 2021 ICO Newsletter:
Senior Wisdom?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
My bucket list: keep breathing.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, "Close enough."
Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.
I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!
Retirement to do list: Wake up. Nailed it!
Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
Went to an antique auction and people were bidding on me.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full, miss the point. The glass is refillable.
I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.
My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, please, please, please eat a salad!
Never laugh at your spouse's choices. You are one of them.
One minute you're young and fun. The next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.
My body is a temple; ancient and crumbling.
I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.
Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.
Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone else who doesn't have it.
I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing.
Retraced my steps.
Got lost on the way back.
Now I have no idea what's going on.
From September 2021 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Grandparents Day:
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpa? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, “No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa again says, “No, not now. I don’t really want to do that. I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.”
Then the third little boy comes out and says, “Grandpa, oh please… Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?”
“Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, “Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!”
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well?
Because they have a common enemy.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
From June 2021 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Father’s Day:
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid.
"It's state of the art," he said. "It cost me a fortune."
"Awesome. What type is it?" I asked. "2:30," he said.
I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, “You.”
Happy Father’s Day to a dad that was smart enough to teach his kid to mow the lawn so he wouldn’t have to.
Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.
Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait!
Dad Quotes
“Me and my dad used to play tag. He’d drive.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” —Jerry Seinfeld
“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” —Rita Rudner
“Four-year-old: Tell me a scary story! Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions. Four-year-old: Why?” —James Breakwell
“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say, ‘Yeah? When?’” —Bill Hicks
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant; I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” —Mark Twain
“When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'” —Jerry Lewis
From May 2021 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Mother’s Day:
After putting her children to bed, Jacqui changes into her old jeans and a worn out blouse and proceeds to wash her hair. As she hears the children getting more and more noisy in their bedroom, her tolerance grows thin. At last Jacqui wraps a towel around her wet head and storms into their room, putting them back to bed and giving them severe warnings. While leaving the room, she overhears her three-year-old say in a shaky voice, 'Who was "that"?
My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
Phone Home? Lionel phones his mother living in Springfield, MA USA. 'Mum, how are you?' he asks. 'Not too good,' answers Lionel's mother, 'I've been very weak.' Lionel, concerned asks, 'Why are you so weak, mother?' She says, 'Because I haven't eaten in 23 days' Lionel stammers, 'That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 23 days?' His mother replies, 'Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should phone.'
My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. - Oscar Wilde
There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. - Chinese Proverb
My mother taught me RELIGION. "You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet."
From April 2021 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Easter:
How many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?
Only one—after that it's not empty anymore!
Why did the Easter Bunny have on a hat?
Because he was having a bad hare day.
Where does the Easter Bunny like to eat breakfast? IHOP
What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket?
Two points, just like everyone else!
How can you tell which rabbits are oldest in a group?
Just look for the gray hares
A parishioner was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the parishioner by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The parishioner replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
What do you call a line of rabbits jumping backwards?
A receding hare-line
What do you call an Easter Bunny with fleas?
Bugs Bunny!
Why are bunnies the luckiest animals?
Because they each have four rabbits' feet!
Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail?
To a re-tail store
364 days of the year: Do NOT eat anything you find on the ground.
Easter: Go and search in the dirt for candy a strange giant bunny left for you, kids!
From March 2021 ICO Newsletter:
Deep thoughts in the era of Covid 19:
Silly You!
You thought dogs were hard to train. Just look at all the humans who can’t sit and stay.
Anyone else getting a tan from the light in the fridge?
I’m so excited to take the garbage out. I wonder what I should wear?
The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors:
1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is
Day 27 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See, this is why I chew the furniture.”
Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized, even the trash goes out more than me.
Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald headed alcoholic.
Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever. Well, wish granted. Happy Now.
Did a BIG load of pajamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.
People start coughing and worry they have the coronavirus, I cough and just pray I don’t pee myself…
It’s been a great blessing to be a home with the wife these last few months. We’ve caught up on everything I’ve done wrong in the last 20 years.
How long is this social distancing thing supposed to last? My husband keeps trying to come into the house.
From February 2021 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Valentine’s Day:
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day? Yes, it is February 14th.
Love is getting mad at someone, telling that person to go to hell, and hoping that they get there safely.
A couple are on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing. He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”
When you are in love, it is the most glorious two and a half days of one’s entire life.
A husband was looking at himself in the mirror and asked his wife, “Will you still love me when I am old, fat, and bald?” She replied, “I do.”
What is the ideal marriage? One that is between a spouse that is deaf and a spouse that is blind.
Marriage comes with no guarantees, so if that is what you are looking for, then you are better off buying a car battery.
Before you decide to make the commitment to marry a person, you should have them use a computer with a very slow internet connection so they can show you who they truly are.
A girl asked her boyfriend if he would still love her after marriage. He replied, “That depends on what your husband will think.”
I want to spend the rest of my life trying to get out of debt with you.
From January 2021 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of New Year’s:
I love when they drop the ball in Times Square ... It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.
My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full ... with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year ... but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds ... Only 15 more to go!
Let’s celebrate New Year’s Eve ... by making many pour decisions!
My New Year's resolution is to break my New Year's resolutions. That way I succeed at something!
Things You Never Knew About New Year's
The guy credited with Auld Lang Syne didn't fully write it. Robert Burns took a Scottish folk song called "Old Long Syne" and put his own spin on it in 1788, which is the version we all know today. Auld lang syne means "times long past."
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.
From December 2020 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Christmas:
Short Funny Xmas Story
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the elevator at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the elevator travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a $50 note lying on the elevator's floor. Which one picked up the $50 note, and handed it in at reception? Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!
Q: Why is Santa so jolly? A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.
Short Funny Xmas Story
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the elevator at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the elevator travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a $50 note lying on the elevator's floor. Which one picked up the $50 note, and handed it in at reception? Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!
Q: Why is Santa so jolly? A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.
Why is being a parent on Christmas Day like being at work?
You do all the work and some guy in a suit takes credit.
If you want to save money this Christmas. Now is the perfect time to tell the kids. Santa didn't make it through the pandemic..
From November 2020 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Thanksgiving:
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn't just quit "cold turkey."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She turned to the stock boy and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No, ma'am," he replied. "They're dead."
Mom wants you to help us fix Thanksgiving dinner.
Dad: Why? Is it broken?
What did the turkey say to the computer?
“Google, google, google.”
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
The turkey because it’s already stuffed!
What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving? Lucky.
When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say, “I'm thankful I didn't get caught,” and refuse to say anything more.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.
Count Your Blessings
Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings...
One by one...
As each relative goes home.
What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day? What? “Quack! Quack!”
From October 2020 ICO Newsletter:
In honor of Medicare open enrollment here are some medical embarrassment stories from real doctors.
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. When he arrived, the doctor examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
From June 2020 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Father’s Day:
I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, “You.”
Happy Father’s Day to a dad that was smart enough to teach his kid to mow the lawn so he wouldn’t have to.
Which bus?
A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.
“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”
“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.
“ …Which bus would I take home?”
Son: For $20, I’ll be good.
Dad: Oh, yeah? When I was your age, I was good for nothing.
Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.
Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait!
Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.
Fathers Day, when you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.
I got my dad one of those typical Fathers Day cards. You know, with a picture of a hunting coat hanging on a peg, a duck decoy and some golf clubs leaning in the corner. Perfect card for him, because there’s nothing Dad loves more than going out in the woods on a frosty morning and beating ducks to death with a 4-iron.
Dad, I'm so proud of the many talents I've inherited from you. Happy Farters Day!
Father's Day History
Father's Day is the day to recognize, honor and celebrate the sacrifices and accomplishments of fathers. In 1910, Washington State Governor declared Father's Day on the 19th of July. It then became a permanent federal holiday in 1972 when President Richard Nixon proclaimed that the third Sunday in June would be further known as Father's Day.On this day, children celebrate their fathers and father figures to show their love and appreciation.
Mom: Why are you home so early?
Dad: My boss told me to go to hell.
On Father’s Day, I’m doing something for my dad that he’s wanted for years. I’m getting a job.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."
From May 2020 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Mother’s Day:
'Turning the Knife'
While assembling furniture, Liz asked her friend's six-year-old son, Ricky, to bring her a screwdriver. 'Do you want a 'Daddy' screwdriver or a 'Mummy' screwdriver?' Ricky politely inquired. Confused by the question, Liz responded with, 'Bring me a 'Mummy' screwdriver.' Ricky returned and handed her a butter knife.
The Stages of Motherhood:
4 Years Of Age - My mummy can do anything. 8 Years Of Age - My mum knows a lot. 12 Years Of Age - My mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 Years Of Age - Naturally, mother doesn't know that, either. 16 Years Of Age - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 Years Of Age - That old woman? She's way out of date. 25 Years Of Age - Well, she might know a little bit about it. 35 Years Of Age - Before we decide, let's get mum's opinion. 45 Years Of Age - Wonder what mum would have thought about it. 65 Years Of Age - Wish, I could talk it over with Mum.
Daughter: Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?
Mom: I don’t know dear, you’d have to ask Grandma.
“People who say they sleep like a baby don’t have one.”
What three words solves Dad’s every problem? Ask your mother.
A mother’s sacrifice isn’t giving birth. It’s nine months without wine.
I have the perfect son
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. “As a surprise for Mother’s Day,” one explained, “We decided to cook our own breakfast.”
From April 2020 ICO Newsletter:
Prayer for Easter
Young Ernie and his family were invited to have Easter lunch at his grandmother's house in Monkey's Eyebrow, Arizona. USA. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Ernie received his plate he started eating straight away.
'Ernie, wait until we say grace,' demanded his father.
'I don't have to,' the five-year old replied.
'Of course you do, Ernest,' his mother insisted rather forcefully. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house,' Ernie explained, 'but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook.'
Learn to Read the Signs
Tony had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife, Anita, "Mother of Six," in spite of her regular objections.
One evening, in their retirement years, they go to a party. It is late and Tony is ready to go home and wants to find out if Anita is ready to leave as well.
Tony bellows at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home, Mother of Six?'
Anita, greatly irritated by Tony’s lack of discretion over so many years, yells back at him, 'Anytime you're ready, "Father of Four".'
Good Women Are Hard to Find
Luigi and Mario, are keen fishermen and wine drinkers. Slurping a large Bordeaux Supérieur, Luigi announces, 'I think I'm going to divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in eighteen months.'
Mario downs his glass of the red wine thoughtfully and after a while responds, 'Think it over a bit more, Luigi; women like that are hard to find.'
Why We Split Up
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up. So I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back.
Good Basis for Marriage?
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.
'Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship, 'the wife explained.' He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well and I just act like I'm listening.'
Funny Tax Return
There was a man who made his tax returns promptly and properly only to find that he owed the IRS, $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my tax return and payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund', as noted on my return. Might I suggest you then send the above mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screwdriver. (See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I have just read an article about the Pentagon and 'screwdrivers'.
Sincerely,
From March 2020 ICO Newsletter:
Italian Job Application
Mario applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Italian firm based in Rome. An American applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer.
The manager went to Mario and said, 'Thank you for coming to the interview, but We've decided to give the American the job.'
Mario, 'And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Italy and me being Italian surely I should get the job.'
Manager, 'We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.'
Mario, 'And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?'
Manager, 'Simple. On question number 7 the American wrote down, 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.'
An Italian Bank Robber
It's Saint Patrick's Day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Italian customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?' screams the robber.
There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Italian gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, 'I think my wife may have caught a glimpse.'
One Liners:
Drink green beer on St. Patrick’s Day! It counts as a vegetable!
Q: How does every Italian joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: Why did Pope Benedict have reservations about accepting his papacy?
A: It meant moving to an Italian neighborhood!
Water to Wine
A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
From February 2020 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Valentine’s Day:
"If you step on a purple mushroom, you'll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world," warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods. He didn't step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: "We have to marry."
"Why?" asked the man, smiling.
"I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!" she replied.
Man: “Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Jack. I don’t have a mansion like Russell. I don’t have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you.”
Woman: “Oh, dear, I love you too! What was that you said about Martin?”
Pastoral Passion
The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine’s Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man’s sexier choice. When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter. “Would you have anything in black flannel?” He asked.
Q: What do single people call Valentine’s Day?
A: Happy Independence Day.
Girl: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”
Boy: “Really?”
Girl: “Yeah, you make me sick!”
AN OLDER WOMAN runs into her friend at the mall. “You’re not going to believe this,” she said. “I found an old lamp the other day. I rubbed it and a genie popped out. He explained that genies don’t give three wishes anymore, but he did offer me a choice between one of two wishes. He could give me a better memory or turn my husband into the greatest lover ever.”
“Tough choice,” said her friend. “Which one did you choose?”
“That’s the thing. I can’t remember.”
I gave my girlfriend a cannoli for Valentine’s Day.
When she asked why, I said, “I cannoli be happy when I’m with you.”
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th.
From January 2020 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of New Year’s:
How you elect to spend New Year’s Eve will depend on your:
1. age
2. remaining levels of optimism
3. threshold of pain
Every New Year’s I have the same question: “How did I get home?”
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
On New Year’s, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.
A New Year's Wish
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.
My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are.
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
Women get a little more excited about New Year’s Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.
New Year’s parades have a lot in common with Santa Claus. Nobody is awake to see either one of them.
My New Year’s resolution is to try to remember why I've walked into a room.
A New Year Prayer for the Elderly
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
On New Year’s Eve, Mario was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.
‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Mario.
‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.
‘My wife,’ slurred Mario grimly.
From December 2019 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Christmas:
Something Fast
A woman, shortly before Christmas, told her husband that she would like something able to go from 0 to 100 in more or less 4 seconds ... It goes without saying that she wanted a new car. The husband was a bit of a cheapskate. So for Christmas, the woman received a scale!
Train Set
Mason says to his mother: You can delete the train set from my Christmas wish list.
Mother: Why is that?
Mason: Yesterday, I found one in the closet.
Scrooge
I asked Ebenezer Scrooge "Where is your Christmas spirit?" and he pointed to the liquor cabinet.
Mafia Christmas
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."
Nativity Scene
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Early Shopper
It is late December and the correctional court judge is in a good mood. He asks the defendant: "What are you accused of?" The defendant replies "I am accused of having done my Christmas shopping too early!" The judges says "But that's not a crime." "Well, it was before the store opened..."
The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus
From November 2019 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Thanksgiving:
Their Coming!
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him, "Son, I'm really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can't live with each other anymore."
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?"
The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other anymore. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?"
The father then hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me; I'll take care of this."
So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?"
She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Thanksgiving One-Liners
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. -Johnny Carson
What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving Day? On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.
About two weeks into November, the head turkey turns to his second-in-command and says, “I have a feeling something’s going down.
The farmer just unfriended me on Facebook.”
Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," Little Johnny wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Thanksgiving Parrot
A man always wanted a parrot since he was a boy, his family knowing this decided to surprise him on Thanksgiving Day.
Now the parrot wasn't raised in a Christian environment and it was mocking, insulting, and threatening the man. That thanksgiving day he got the man, so angry that he put the parrot in the freezer.
After 3 minutes he let the parrot out. The parrot says "I take it by your attitude and behavior I somehow offended you." The man says "You did." Then the parrot says "Can I ask you one more question?" The man says "Sure. What is it?" The parrot asked "What did the turkey do?"
Blonde Thanksgiving
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone.
The next day, her mother called to see how everything went. "Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter. "Did it not taste good?" her mother asked. "I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
From October 2019 ICO Newsletter:
Halo Statues
An Italian man immigrates to America. He starts sweeping floors in a pizzeria, and after 15 years works his way up to owning a small chain of pizzerias. He decides to have his own house designed and built for him. And it is going to have everything!
One day he is talking to the contractor and said, "Makea you sure you puta plenty da halo statues inna da house. I wanna hava lotsa da halo statues. One inna every room, even da bathroom." The contractor, realizing his client must be a very religious person, carefully plans a niche in every room, and personally searches for the perfect statue for each niche.
Finally, the house is finished. The Italian man walks through his new home for the first time.
The contractor points out all the features, and finally the Italian man said, "But wherea are alluh myhalo statues?
I wanna lotsa halo statues!" And the contractor points to the niches and said, "I put a statue in every room, like you asked."
The Italian replies, "No, no, no! I donna no wanna nonea daSaintas. I wanna da Halo Statues!
You knowa da Halo Statues? Deya ring anda you picka dem up, anna you say, halo 'stat you?"
Heaven and Hell
In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, and the bankers are Italian.
Where did Columbus first land in America? On his feet!
In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue...........
And in 1495 his luggage and baggage finally arrived.
From September 2019 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Grandparents Day:
Dalmatian Duties
A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren back to their parents one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”
Why do Grandpas smile all the time? Because they can't hear a word you're saying!
The Babysitter
One evening a grandmother was babysitting her two granddaughters Anne and Betty. Presently, 8:00 PM rolled around.
“Okay, time for bed,” she informed the two children who were playing in the den. “Why?” Anne asked (aged 6). “It’s so early!” “Your father said your bedtime is 8:00,” the grandmother said. “You don’t have to listen to him,” Betty (aged 4½) replied. “Why not?” the grandmother asked. Betty answered, “Because you’re his mother!”
Hearing Problem?
A Grandfather who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%. The grandpa went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” To which the elderly man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
When is your grandma’s bedtime? Three hours after she falls asleep on the couch.
Diapers
My wife & I were keeping a young grandson for an afternoon. My wife said we were short of diapers and requested I go to the nearby drug store to buy some additional ones. I located a female clerk about 20 years old at the store and asked which aisle I could find diapers. She responded, “adult or baby?”
103 Years Old
A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandma: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The Bus Driver
A little old lady got on a city bus, and sat down behind the bus driver. After a couple minutes, she asked him, "Hey, mister! Want some peanuts?", and held up a bag full. "Sure!", he said, and popped a handful in his mouth. After eating several more, he asked, "Hey...don't you want to have some of these?" "Nope," the old lady replied, "Ain't got no teeth! I just likes the chocolate on the outsides!"
From June 2019 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Father’s Day:
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”
“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M Company!”
A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
Who is the Winner?
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to mother? And "Who does everything mother says?"
Five small voices replied in unison. "Okay daddy! You get the toy."
Who's the Boss?
“While having their evening dinner together, a little girl looked up at her father and asked, “Daddy, you’re the boss in our family, right?” The father was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, “Yes, my little princess.” The girl then continued, “That’s because mommy put you in charge, right?”
From May 2019 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Mother’s Day:
A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day but the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, her husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not believing her, he asked again. “No seriously, what’s wrong?”
Finally she said, “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as ‘Thank you.'”
“Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I had a Father’s Day gift.”
“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
What’s a Man?
A kid asks his dad, “What’s a man?” The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.” The kid says, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
Why Still Single?
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?” Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
How the Human Race was Created
A little girl asked her mom, “How did the human race appear?”
Mom answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made …”
Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mom and said, “Mom how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!”
A boy goes to a strip club.
Mom: Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see?
BOY: Yes, I saw dad!
What three words solves Dad’s every problem?
Ask your mother.
From April 2019 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Tax time:
Little Boy Tax Lesson
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Live Saver
An Italian man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son.
The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth.
As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and turning blue in the face and the Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's private parts and squeezes gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks.
As the man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the IRS."
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Q: What's the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
A: About 20 years.
Q: What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of I.R.S. agents do?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
The guy who said that the truth never hurts never had to fill out a form 1040.
Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get.
A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time.
From March 2019 ICO Newsletter:
Big Rock
An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled. 'I gave you a sham rock.'
Old Man at the Dam
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten liter bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.
St. Patrick’s Day One-Liners
I went out drinking on St Patrick’s Day, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? Regular rocks are too heavy.
Drink green beer on St Patrick’s Day! It counts as a vegetable!
From February 2019 ICO Newsletter:
A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift
Luigi asked his friend, Mario, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
“Yes,” came the answer from Mario who was a bit of a chauvinist, “I've bought her a belt and a bag.”
“That was very kind of you,” Luigi added, “I hope she appreciated the thought.”
Mario smiled as he replied, “So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.”
Valentine Dreams
One morning Maria woke up with a start. Her husband Mario asked what was the matter, she told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," Mario said.
That evening, Mario came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Maria opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
500 Valentine Cards Sent by Desperate Man
Luigi walked into a post office just before Valentine's Day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes. By now Luigi's curiosity had got the better of him, and so he asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asked Luigi.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.
Valentine Flowers
My disappointed wife called me from her work phone the day after Valentine's Day. She said, "Three of the girls in the office received flowers yesterday. They are absolutely gorgeous."
I said, "Well that's probably why they received flowers then."
From January 2019 ICO Newsletter:
Bad Haircut
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Delta," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Delta?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of Delta's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the terrible haircut?
From December 2018 ICO Newsletter:
Christmas Italian Style
Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear, But da Don of all elfs, and eight friggin' reindeer!Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
and he brought da loot! Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
and a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
and he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun
and hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
and slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose. He twisted his pinky ring,
and up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
From November 2018 ICO Newsletter:
The Wedding Cake
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience at a health seminar. "The material we call food that we put into our stomachs today is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Macaroni is fattening, Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it at one point in our lives. Can anyone here tell me what food produces the most long term damage to us even years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old Italian man in the front row stood up and said, "It'sa d' Weddinga cake"
The Italian Elbow
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am ina apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What .... . You coming empty handed?"
A Brief Declaration
A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.
The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?"
He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"
From October 2018 ICO Newsletter:
Catholic Shampoo
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed the beer cooler, one nun said “wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?
The second nun answered, indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the check- out stand”.
“I can handle that without a problem,” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer, “We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said, back at our nunnery, we call it Catholic shampoo.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nuns straight in the eyes, smiled and said: “The curlers are on the house.”
The Taxi Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question about the city. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the side walk, and stops the car inches before it crashes through the front of a store window. Both men sit completely silent until the driver turns and says, “Look man, don’t ever do that to me again. You scared the crap out of me!”
The passenger apologizes and says. “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replies, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. Before this, I drove a hearse”.
From September 2018 ICO Newsletter:
Mexican Jews
Sid and Al are discussing if there are any Jews in Mexico.
I don’t know said Sid. Let’s ask the waiter.
Are there any Mexican Jews in Mexico? I don’t know, senor. Let me ask. The waiter goes into the kitchen. He returns a few minutes later and says. No sir, no Mexican Jews. Are you sure? Al asked. I’ll check again, senor.
While he was gone, Sid said, I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our People are scattered everywhere. When the waiter returns he says, no senor, no Mexican Jews. Are you sure? Senor, I asked everyone the exasperated waiter replied. We have Orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews.
The Dead Donkey
Kenny, a city boy, moved to the county and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night. Kenny says, well then give me back my money. I can’t do that. I went and spent it. Okay then, just unload the donkey. What you going to do with him? I am going to raffle him off. You can’t raffle a dead donkey said the farmer. Sure I can. I just won’t tell anybody he is dead. A month later the farmer met with Kenny and asked. What happened with that dead donkey? I raffle him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollar each and made a profit of $998. The farmer asked. Did anyone complain? Just the guy that won, said Kenny. I just gave him back his two dollars.
From June 2018 ICO Newsletter:
WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, Goodness officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear—you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control”. The officer writes out a ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can you please keep your mouth shut for once”?
The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher”. As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal Radar detector unit, the man look at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman can you keep your mouth shut”?
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you are not wearing your seat belts, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine”.
The driver says, ”Well, yea, you see officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket”.
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you did not have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving”.
And as the policeman is writing a third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks “Does your husband always talk like that to you, ma’am”?? The woman says, “Only when he has been drinking”.
The above joke was sent by Anthony Guadagno. Thank you, Antonio.
From May 2018 ICO Newsletter:
The Homework Assignment
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. The boy walked up to the blackboard made a small white dot and sat down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. “It’s a period” said the little boy. ” Well, I can see that” the teacher said, “but what is so exciting about a period?” “Damned if I know” said the little boy, “But this morning my sister was missing one, my daddy had a heart attack, my mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”
The Zipper
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper open. A lady cashier walked up to him and said “Your barrack’s door is open”. This is not a phrase that man use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was done shopping, a man came up to him and said, “Your fly is open”. He zipped up. Then got in line where the lady was that told him about his barrack’s door. He said to the lady, “When you saw my barrack door open did you see a soldier standing in attention?. The lady thought for a moment and said, “No, no I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags”.
Superior Culture
A Greek and an Italian where debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek said “we have the Parthenon.”
The Italian said “We have the Coliseum.”
The Greek said “we had great mathematicians.”
The Italian said “We had the Roman Empire.”
…and so on and on and then the Greek said: “We invented sex.”
The Italian said, “That’s true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.”
OOPS
A plane was taking off from the Kennedy Airport. When it reached a comfortable altitude the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight 293 the weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax…OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in coach yelled. That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
From April 2018 ICO Newsletter:
Fantastic Weekend
A young man walked into a Yuma Jeweler’s shop with the most beautiful young lady. I’m looking for a special ring for my girlfriend. The jeweler looks through his stock and takes out a ring priced at $5000.
I don’t think you understand… I want something unique. At that the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe. Here’s one for $40.000. The girl eyes sparkled and the man said I take it. How are you paying?
I will pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order so I’ll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I’ll pick up the ring on Monday.
Monday morning a very mad jeweler phones the man. You lied to me. There is no money in that account. I know, but you can imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?
Vacuum Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning said the young man. If I could take a couple of minutes of your time I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners. Go away I haven’t got any money and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. Don’t be too hasty! Not until you have at least seen my demonstration and with that he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her carpet. If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said. Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite, because they shut off my electricity this morning.
They are Carol’s
Three men died on Christmas eve and were met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
In honor of this holy season St. Peter said, you must each posses something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates St. Peter said.
The second man reached in his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They are bells. St Peter said you may pass.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St Peter looked at the man with raised eyebrow and asked. And just what those symbolize? The man replied, “They are Carol’s”.
From March 2018 ICO Newsletter:
What Fish?
A camper was stopped by a game warden as he was returning to his campsite with a bucket of still alive fish. Do you have a fishing license? No sir, these are my pet fish the man replied. Pet fish? The warden asked. Yes sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. When they hear the whistle they jump into the bucket and I take back to the camp. That’s a bunch of baloney said the warden as he reached for his citations pad. If you do not believe me follow me back to the lake to see how it works. Still suspicious but curious the warden agreed. So they walked to the lake. There, the man poured the fish into the lake where they disappeared into the water. Okay said the warden call them back. Call who back? The fish said the warden. What fish? Said the man.
Cowboy Dentist Visit
A cowboy walks into a dentist office and after the dentist examines him says, the tooth has to come out. I am going to give you a shot of Novocain. The man grabs the doc’s arm and says. No way! I hate needles. I’m not having any shots! Okay we will go with gas. The man says, absolutely not. Gas makes me sick. So the doctor steps out and comes back with a glass of water. Here, take this pill. The man asks. ”what is it?”
The doctor replies, “Viagra.” The man says, “Will it kill the pain?” “No” replies the dentist “but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth.
From February 2018 ICO Newsletter:
Italian Pregnancy
An 18-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will Pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 ea. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him:
“You gonna try again”.
Brown Pants
An admiral is staring off the deck of his battleship at the approaching enemy on the horizon. “Fetch my red shirt,’ the admiral says to his first officer. “If I’m wounded in battle, I don’t want the men to see I’m bleeding. It will kill morale.”
“But sir,” says the first officer, “there is a fleet of fifteen ships coming right for us.”
“Oh,” the admiral sighs. Well, in that case go grab my brown pants.”
Give Me My Money!
A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!” The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”
The thief replies, “oh, well in that case, give me my money!”
From January 2018 ICO Newsletter:
Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear”
The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?”
The first man replies while walking out the door, because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sickfrom work the previous day.
“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”
“She was really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and the FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, “My husband is home! My husband is home!”
Two men are sitting in a sauna after a workout. “I’ll be honest; my wife really is an angel.” You’re lucky.” The second man answers, wiping the sweat from his brow,
“My wife is still alive.”
“It’s really hot outside,” a husband tells his wife, staring out the front window.
“What do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?” he asks jokingly. The wife replies without hesitation, “They’ll probably think I married you for your money.”
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says “I love you.”
The husband says “is that you or the wine talking?” The wife says, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
From December 2017 ICO Newsletter:
The World Women's Conference
At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his Shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”
To Young to Die
Emma, who was on a sinking ship, was thinking, I am too young to die. Then, she yelled at the people around, well, if I am going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this ship who can make me feel like a woman?
For a moment, there was silence. No response came for a while. Then an Italian man stood up. He was gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He started to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt...one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest...
She gasps...
He whispers...
Iron this, and get me something to eat.
A woman explains to her doctor her recent issues with going to the bathroom. I’ve had horrible constipation. I haven’t been able to go for weeks. Are you taking anything for it? The doctor asks. Well I force myself to sit on the toilet for a half hour in the morning and before I go to bed. No, I mean are you taking anything? “Oh yes. I usually take a magazine.
From November 2017 ICO Newsletter:
Where Did My Hearing Aid Go
An old man goes to see a hearing doctor. He tells the doctor his is having trouble hearing from his left ear. The doctor looks in his ear and tells him. “No wonder you cannot hear, you have a suppository stuck in your ear. The old man replied. Now I know where I put my hearing aid.
Unusual Funeral
A man coming out of a 7-11 shop noticed a very unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse behind which was a solitary Italian guy walking a Pitbull on a leash and behind him were 200 men walking in a single file. The guy could not stand his curiosity. He approached the Italian walking the dog and said. ‘Sir I have never seen a funeral like this’. Whose funeral is it? The Italian replied. “The first hearse is for my wife.” What happened to her? The man replied: “My dog attacked her and killed her. Who’s in the second hearse, he further inquired. My mother–in-law the Italian answered, she was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her. A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. “Sir, could I borrow that dog??” Get in line, he replied.
Origin of the Toilet Seat
Francis and Isabella were having a battle over the sexes. Italian men are stupid screamed Isabella.
Oh, yeah? Yelled her husband. I’ll have you know it was an Italian man who invented the toilet seat!
“And I have you know,” said his wife, it was an Italian woman who thought of putting a hole in it!”
In the Elevator
An old woman is riding in the elevator. A young beautiful woman gets into the elevator smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says, “Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce! About three floors later another young girl enters the elevator smelling like very expensive perfume. Channel #5, $150 an ounce she says. The old woman bends over and passes gas. “Broccoli-49 cents a pound”.
From October 2017 ICO Newsletter:
YOU KNOW YOU'RE ITALIAN WHEN...
You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.
You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso a nutritious breakfast.
Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just do me" tank top to the beach.
At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5'6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You have ever been in a fight defending Sly Stallone's thespian greatness.
You've called someone a "mamaluke."
And you understand "bada bing"
From September 2017 ICO Newsletter:
Blondes Jokes
A blonde and a Brunette are walking down the street when the brunette says, “Look, a dead bird!’ So the blonde looks up!
A married couple goes to a restaurant. A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it. The man asks, “Where’s the burger?” The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit. I was keeping it warm, “She replies”. The wife says, “Please cancel my hot dog order”.
A blonde calls the pharmacy to ask if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby, the clerk explains that many mothers figure out an infant’s weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale and then subtracting their own weight. “Oh, that won’t work”, replies the blonde. “I’m not the mother—I’m the aunt”.
Two blondes were at the park. One says “Look at that dead seagull over there”. The other looks up at the sky and says, “Where?”
Two blondes drive through the middle of Kansas surrounded entirely by wheat fields. One blonde riding shotgun says, “Look over there!” They see another blonde in scuba gear who is acting like she’s swimming through the wheat. The blonde driving says, “it’s girls like that who gives us blondes a bad name”. The other blonde says, “Yeah! If I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and tell her off”.
From June 2017 ICO Newsletter:
Did You Know??
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out”.
Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
From May 2017 ICO Newsletter:
Bar Jokes
A man comes into a bar and orders a martini. Before drinking it, he removes the olive and carefully put it into a jar. Then he orders another martini and does the same thing. After an hour, by which time he was full of martini and the jar full of olives, he staggers out. “Well”, remarked a customer, I never saw anything as strange as that. “What’s strange about it?” asked the barman.” His wife had sent him out for a jar of olives”.
A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer. “What are you doing at this early hour of the morning? “Asked the officer. “I am going to a lecture”, slurred the drunk. “And who is going to give the lecture at this hour?” “My wife” said the drunk.
Following a beer festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The Corona’s president said: I would like the world best beer, a Corona. Next the Budweiser’s president said: I like a Budweiser, the King of beers. The Coors president said: I want a bottle of Coors the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water. The three men were then joined by the president of Guinness who said, “Bartender give me a Coke”. The three other presidents said, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” The Guinness president replied: “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I”.
From April 2017 ICO Newsletter:
Getting to be that age
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write "An ambulance.”
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ' The' and ' IRS ' together it spells “Theirs”
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be good friends.
Philosophers Comments on wives:
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
I had bad luck with both wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
Two guys talking: My wife is an Angel. You are lucky, my wife is still alive.
From March 2017 ICO Newsletter:
The Power of Water
A woman goes to the doctor worried about her husband temper.
The doctor says “What is the problem”.
Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me. I have a cure for that the doctor says. When it seems that your husband is getting angry take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.
Two weeks later, the woman goes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She tells the doctor “That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it,
I swished with water. I swished and swished and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?
The doctor says “The water in itself does nothing. It’s keeping our mouth shut that does the trick.
The last Will
A man is on his death bed. His wife daughter and nurse and two sons are with him. He asks that two witnesses be present to record his last wishes. He begins to speak.
My son, Mike, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.
"My daughter Kathy, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"My son, Stevie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.
"Mary, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the Banks of the Rio Hondo River in Downey."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Bud slips away, the nurse says, "Your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all these properties." The wife replied, “The ass hole had a paper route.”
From February 2017 ICO Newsletter:
No Jokes for February Newsletter
From January 2017 ICO Newsletter:
Lawyer Story
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along
the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and six children with me!"
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
From December 2016 ICO Newsletter:
Eat Gunpowder
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.
She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Four Stops ago
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
The Mid-term
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A
For a Restful Sleep
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas!
Hooker Babies
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers.”
From November 2016 ICO Newsletter:
Change your Course!
A sea captain looking out into the pitch black night sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with the ship. He sends out a light signal: Change your course 10 degrees east.
The light signal back to the ship, change yours 10 degrees west. Angrily the captain sends a second signal stating. I am a navy captain change your course sir! I am a seaman second class. You change your course sir. The captain now furious I am a battleship! He signals. I am not changing course for anything. He received one final call stating. Well, I am a lighthouse, so it’s your call.
Mouthwash
A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks. Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies? Really? He said ‘Have you tried a good mouthwash?
Snake goes in to see the optometrist
A snake goes in to see the optometrist because his eyesight is failing. It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see. The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. A week later the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up. They are fine the snake answers. But now I am being treated for depression.
Depression, the doctor asks.
Yeah, my eyesight cleared up, but made me realize I’ve been dating a garden hose.
Quips of Wisdom
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
From October 2016 ICO Newsletter:
Nose Operation
A man goes to the dentist for his six month exam. The man tells the dentist.
“My teeth are great. I never use mouthwash, rarely brush my teeth, never floss, never use a breath mint, and eat onions and garlic with just about every meal. I also never have bad breath.” The dentist agrees his teeth are decent, but he will need an operation. “On what?” the man asks.
The dentist responds quickly, “Your nose”.
Three Older Ladies
Three older ladies are discussing the trial of getting older. One says, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember if I need to put it away or make a sandwich.”
The second lady chimes in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one responds, “Well, I am sure glad I don’t have that problem, knock on wood,” She raps her knuckles on the table, then says, “that must be the door, I’ll get it.”
A Middle Aged Man
A middle aged man goes to the doctor about his recent issues with memory loss.
“Doctor, I just can’t seem to remember much anymore.”
“Okay,” the doctor said sympathetically, “It might be an issue we can get a grip on. When exactly did you begin having this issue?”
The man looks at the doctor and replies, “What issue?”
From September 2016 ICO Newsletter:
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police cars a SWATT Team, a helicopter two fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Getting Older
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, ”I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.”
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging. I love to hear them say: You don’t look that old. This is so true.
Do Your Best
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
Words of wisdom
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
From June 2016 ICO Newsletter:
A little girl asks her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother answers, “Well, God made Adam and Eve and then they had kids. So all mankind was made.” Two days later the little girl asks her father the exact same question. The father answers. “Many years ago, there were monkeys from which the entire human race evolved.” The confused little girl returns to her mother and says, “Mom, you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said man developed from monkeys. Why do you have different stories?” The mother answers, Well, I was referring to my side of the family and your dad was talking about his side.”
A church pastor is invited to dinner at the house of a parishioner. The pastor sits at the table with the family. The mom requests her daughter, age six, say grace before the meal. She sits in silence. It’s okay, dear, the mother calms her. You can do it. Just repeat what you heard daddy say before breakfast this morning. The little girl holds her hand together bows her head and in a loud voice says, Christ, why did you invite the pastor over for dinner tonight?
A kid is late for school one day. The teacher asks why he is late. The boy says. I had to take the bull down to mate with the heifer.
Well, couldn’t your father have done that? The teacher asked.
Sure, the boy replies. But the bull would have done a better job.
A police officer finds a young couple messing around in their parked car. The officer shines his light into the window. The young man jumps out of the car and claims, honest officer, we weren’t doing anything. In that case the officer replies let me inside and you come here and hold the flashlight.
From May 2016 ICO Newsletter:
Three senior are sitting on a park bench complaining about their failing bodies. Every morning, I get up at 6 AM, the first man explains, I try to pee, but nothing but a trickle comes out. The second man adds, I get up at 6AM too, and it feel like I’ve got to move my bowels, but I sit down on the toilet and nothing happens.
The third man chimes in the conversation and tells his friends, I pee and move my bowels at exactly 7AM every morning. That’s not bad, the first man responds. Why are you complaining?
The third man admits, “The problem is I don’t usually wake up until 8AM.”
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year old father. While there he notices the nurse handing his father a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra pill. The man asks the nurse, why are you doing that? At his age, what will either do for him? The nurse explains “The hot chocolate will help him fall asleep faster.” All right, the man replies, “and the Viagra?” “That keeps him from rolling out of bed, said the nurse.”
An old man is bragging to his roommate at the nursing home about his new hearing aid. The man goes on and on about how great the hearing aid is and how well he can hear with it. “It also was very expensive,” the man says to his friend. “Well good for you,” his friend replies. “What kind is it?” It’s only 12:30,” the man answered.
A wife goes to the police with her next door neighbor to report that her husband is missing. The policeman asks for a description. She says, he is thirty five years old, six foot four, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an authentic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft spoken, and is good to the children.
The next door neighbor protests, “Your husband is five foot four, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to the children.”
The wife replies, “Yes, but who wants him back?”
Early in the morning, a wife turns over to find her husband wide awake in bed. Are you okay? She asks.
“I guess” he replies.
“I’m asking because you spent the entire night cursing me in your sleep.”
“Who said I was asleep?” The man replied.
From April 2016 ICO Newsletter:
LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
A man kills self before shooting wife and daughter
Something went wrong in Jet crash, expert say.
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over.
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant.
Miners refuse to work after death
War dims hopes for peace
If strike isn’t settled quickly, it may last awhile.
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Enfield (London) couple slain; police suspect homicide
Red tape holds up new bridges
Man struck by lightning: faces battery charges
New study of obesity looks for larger test group
Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft
Kids make nutritious snacks
Local High School dropouts cut in half
Hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors
Typhoon rips through cemetery; thousands dead.
A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friend wants to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in peace.” Understandably the Owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.
After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a Funeral taking place today and they have flowers with a note saying, Congratulations on your new location.”
A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed. He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.” “Joe?” his wife asks, “but I thought you hated Joe.” “I do,” the man answers.
After a preacher died and went to Heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. “I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a Sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.
From March 2016 ICO Newsletter:
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sargent Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, a combat veteran and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one frickin' ear."
The Hooker
An Illegal Immigrant picks up a hooker. "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks. "$100"she replies.” In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style? "No” she says. "I pay you $200 to do immigrant style." "No,” she says, not knowing what immigrant style is. "I pay you $300." "No,” she says. "I pay you $400 ". "No,” she says. So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style." She thinks, Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be? So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally they finish, Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was ok. So, what exactly is Immigrant Style?
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government." AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYER, IS EXACTLY WHAT THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE DOING TO US!
The Doctor's Prescription:
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. "You're going to die," she replied.
Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house... walked home and left it there all night.
You got to love George.
From February 2016 ICO Newsletter:
Make me Laugh
The prime minister of Italy goes to visit the Queen of England. The Queen warmly welcomes the prime minister at the airport. They get into a magnificent seventeen century carriage hitched to six horses. They continue toward Buckingham Palace waving to the crowd. Suddenly the right rear horse lets out a big fart. The smell is awful they both put handkerchiefs over their noses. The two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the accident. Because the smell lingers, the Queen feels she must say something. Mr. prime minister, please accept my regrets.” The prime minister replies, “Your Majesty, I completely understand. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses”.
From January 2016 ICO Newsletter:
Love is Blind
Ed and Nancy met on a cruise ship..... When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and. true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, ”You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
The Old Geezer
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?" Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: Aaagh!! “This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, --that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!! Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill) Dr. Young: "But this is only $10! Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
I would like to thank Terri Suppa and Steve Long for the above jokes. If you know of any good clean jokes, please send them to me and I will put them in the Newsletter.
From December 2015 ICO Newsletter:
Who’s He Going to Tell?
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day and decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church.
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, Who’s he going to tell?"
Ten Dollar Toothbrush!
A salesman is peddling his goods from door to door in a high-rise building. He knocks at a young man’s apartment and asks him, “would you like to buy a top of the line toothbrush? It’s only ten dollars.”
“Ten bucks for a toothbrush!” The man yells. “What moron would pay ten dollars for a toothbrush? You are out of your mind. All right then, how about a fresh-baked brownie for a dollar. The man says, okay, why not.
The man takes a bite and spits it out onto the floor. My god, it tastes like crap!
Well that’s because it is crap the salesman explains. So can I interest you in a toothbrush?
From November 2015 ICO Newsletter:
Want to Dance?
An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no,... I never did dance... never really wanted to.
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet. The old woman prospector -- not wanting to get her toe blown off --started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
"no m'am... But i've always wanted to.
From October 2015 ICO Newsletter:
Bill and Blanche
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year, and every year Bill would say, "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"
Blanche always replied, "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "Blanche, I'm 75 years old, if I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"
To this, Blanche replied, " Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks. The pilot overheard the couple said, folks, I'll make you a deal. I will take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I will not charge you a penny. But if you say a word I will charge you fifty dollars. Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, by golly I did everything I could to get you to yell out but you didn't. I'm impressed. Bill replied, well to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks.
My Rolex!
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Bentley with his ....lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.
"My Rolex!"
From September 2015 ICO Newsletter:
Simple truths
As we grow older, and hence wiser, we slowly realize that wearing a $300 or $30.00 watch - - - they both tell the same time... Whether we carry a $300 or $30.00 wallet/handbag -- - - the amount of money inside is the same; Whether we drink a bottle of $30 or $3.00 wine - - - the hang over is the same; Whether the house we live in is 300 or 3000 sq. ft.- - - the loneliness is the same.
Undeniable Facts of Life:
Don't educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be Happy. So when they grow up they will know the value of things not the price.
You are loved when you are born. You will be loved when you die. In between, you have to manage!
If you just want to Walk Fast, Walk Alone! But if you want to Walk Far, Walk Together!
BRITISH HUMOUR! Free Yorkshire Terrier! 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. Joining Nudist Colony! Must sell washer and dryer. Wedding dress for sale. Worn once by mistake. For sale by owner, complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent conditions. no longer needed, got married wife knows everything.
A football hooligan appears before a judge. The arresting officer states that he saw the accused throw something into the river next to the stadium. What exactly did the accused throw into the river? The judge asks. Stone sir, the officer replies. The judge say "well, that's hardly an offense, officer". It was in this case, sir, said the officer. "Stone was the name of the referee.
From June 2015 ICO Newsletter:
Ships
You know how American ships' names begin with "USS", which stands for "United States Service."
Then there are British ships, which names begin with "HMS" for "Her Majesty's Service."
So why do Italian ships' names start with "AMB"?
"Att-sa My Boat!
Since it is Father’s Day this month, here are some Father jokes:
Q: How do fathers exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q: How do you scare a divorced dad?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice!
Q: Why don't some fathers have a mid-life crisis?
A: They're stuck in adolescence.
Mom: Why are you home so early?
Dad: My boss told me to go to hell.
Q: Why are Fathers like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are already taken!
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don’t know son, I’m still paying."
Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough.
Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.
Q: How do you know your dad is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
From May 2015 ICO Newsletter:
A Guy Sends A Text To His Next-Door Neighbor:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi".
From April 2015 ICO Newsletter:
No Jokes for the April Newsletter
From March 2015 ICO Newsletter:
Free to Go
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Three Contractors
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figureswith a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me." The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew And $1,000 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, "$27,000.
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? "The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence." "Done!" Replied the government official. And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.
From February 2015 ICO Newsletter:
Statistics for the year 1914
The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
Fuel for 1914 car was sold in drug stores only.
Only 14% of homes had bathtubs.
Only 8% of homes had telephones.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eifel Tower.
The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year.
A dentist made $2,500, a veterinarian between$1,500 and $4,000 and a mechanical engineer about $5,000.
More than 95% of all births took place at home.
90% of all doctors had no college education; instead they had attended so called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and the government as substandard.
Sugar cost 4 cents a pound
Eggs were 14 cents a dozen
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death were: Pneumonia and influenza, Tuberculosis, Diarrhea, Heart disease and Stroke.
The American Flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was neither mother’s day nor father's day.
Two out of 10 adults couldn't read or write and only 6% of all American had graduated from high school.
18% of households had at least one full time servant or domestic help.
There were only 230 reported murders in the entire USA.
I HAVE LEARNED....
THAT THE BEST CLASSROOM IS AT THE FEET OF AN ELDERLY PERSON.
WHEN YOU ARE IN LOVE IT SHOWS.
BEING KIND IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN BEING RIGHT.
WE SHOULD BE GLAD THAT GOD DOES NOT GIVES US EVERYTHING WE ASK FOR.
Traffic Stop
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Bad Parrot
An old man named Steve received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Steve tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. And he would repeat over and over, "Your golf game sucks."
Finally, Steve was fed up, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Steve quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Steve's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
Steve was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
From January 2015 ICO Newsletter:
A blond goes to the doctor with burns on both her ears and her right hand. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor. "I was ironing my clothes when I received a phone call. Instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear." What about the other ear and your hand?" the doctor asked. She replied, "I tried to call for an ambulance."
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling on each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his church pew. Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?" Yep, I sure do. "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope", said the man. Then Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" The man answered, "I've been married to your sister for 48 years."
An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket. The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I will do whatever you say." Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asks, "what's the matter? I've told you I am a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say, what more do you want?"
The engineer says, "look, I am an engineer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog, now that is cool.
Early in the morning, a wife turns over to find her husband wide awake in bed. "Are you okay?" the wife asks. "I guess," he replies. "I'm asking because you spent the entire night cursing me in your sleep." The man replies, "Who said I was asleep?"
From December 2014 ICO Newsletter:
No Jokes for the December Newsletter
From November 2014 ICO Newsletter:
This is dedicated to all who are seniors.
WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a
ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, .
..."Well, crap, that explains why no one was at church either.
Various laws.
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
From October 2014 ICO Newsletter:
Typical Italian Baby Boy
An Italian man is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 20 pounds. Nobody can believe that a baby can weigh 20 pounds. The Italian guy shrugs his shoulders and says " Dat'sa about average backa home in Italy...like I said, dat'sa my boy, a typical Italian Bambino". Congratulations showered him from all the people and many exclamations of "WOW". One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, Says you’re the father of that typical baby boy that weighed 20 pounds at birth. Everybody’s been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, "He's Fifteen pounds." The bartender is puzzle, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds the day he was born!"
The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says..."We had him circumcised!"
Senior Theater Seating
An old man lay sprawled across three seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed to occupy one seat." The old man didn't budge. The usher became more insistent. "Sir, if you don't get up I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again the old man just muttered and did nothing. The usher left and in a moment returned with the manager. Together they tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "all right buddy what's your name?" Fred, the old man moaned. "Where you from, Fred?" asked the police Officer. With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, He replied..."The balcony."
Swishing
A woman goes to the doctor worried about her husband temper. The doctor asks: "what's the problem? Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me. The doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down. Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh
and reborn. Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?
The doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. Its keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
From September 2014 ICO Newsletter:
5 Deadly Terms Used by Women:
FINE: This is a word that women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut up.
NOTHING: Means something and you need to be worried.
GO AHEAD: This is a dare and not a permission. Do not do it!
WHATEVER: A woman way of saying screw you.
THAT"S OKAY: She is thinking long and hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.
BONUS WORD: WOW! This is not a compliment. She is amazed that one person could be so stupid.
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really care anymore
...If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
... A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat
... A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so...Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really stopped here, I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It's not hard to meet expenses . . .they're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . ..I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
Senility
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'
Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
Why Italians cannot be Paramedics
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, 'I think Sal is dead!
What should I do?'
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence. And then a gun shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line.....
'Okay...he's dead. Now what?
From June 2014 ICO Newsletter:
Pondering the problems of the world:
I realized that at my age I don't really care anymore.
..If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7 It was a lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here. I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . .they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . ..
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
From May 2014 ICO Newsletter:
BIG PEOPLE WORDS
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them. She asked John what he had done over the weekend' I went to visit my Nana'. No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done' I took a ride on a choo-choo'.Use 'Big People' words!' You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done. 'I read a book' he replied. That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?' Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, 'Winnie the SHIT'
More Signs:
"Do not regret growing older.
It is a privilege denied to many."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully we will wait."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
From April 2014 ICO Newsletter:
Atsa My Boy
An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 20 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 20 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "Dat'sa about average back a home. Like I said, atsa my boy, a typical Italian bambino" Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "He's a Fifteen pound."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds the day he was born!"
The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised!"
Sophia’s Wedding Night
Sophia just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophia. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luigi took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophia ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Sophia", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luigi took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophia ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luigi took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luigi took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophia saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
SIGNS
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
however, if you don't, you will be delighted.
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
And the best one for last
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
From March 2014 ICO Newsletter:
New Confessional Box
An Irishman goes into a Cleveland church confessional after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
I'll show you how to get to heaven.
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to heaven.
The little boy replied with a chuckle. You're kidding me right?
You don’t even know your way to the Post Office.
From February 2014 ICO Newsletter:
Texting codes for seniors!
ATD - At The Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered By Medicare
CUATSC - See You At The Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
LMDO- Laughing My Denture Out
LOL - Living On Lipitor
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
TOT - Texting On Toilet
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In!
SUPER BOWL TICKET
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No," the man replied, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral.
From January 2014 ICO Newsletter:
Italian Funeral
Pasquale died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Angelina turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
"Ah well, Pasquale would be pleased," she said.
"You're right," replied Maria, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "So go on, how much did this really cost?'"
"All of it," said Angelina. "Forty thousand"
"Aw No!" Maria exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but $40,000?!!!"
Angelina answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whisky, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Maria computed quickly. "Mama Mia !!! For the love of God Angelina, $32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?”
Very Big...Diamond Ring.
Blond men Jokes
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
A blond man is in jail. A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. Just what are you doing he asks? Hanging myself. The rope should be around your neck said the guard. I tried that said the blond man but then I could not breathe.
From December 2013 ICO Newsletter:
First there was the apple...now it's the wine
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.” The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren't you having any?”
She replies, “Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police.”
First there was the apple...now it's the wine....will men will ever learn?
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
Yes I am. I married the wrong man.
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked, "Is it true Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, that happens in every country son.
From November 2013 ICO Newsletter:
Two old men:
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and... lo and behold - there sat Russ! Sam was very exited to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you? Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?' 'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go? 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her? 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court I pleaded 'guilty'. 'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
Blond Men Jokes: It had to happen.
A friend told a blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year. The blond man said "let's hope it is not on the 13th.
Two blond men find three grenades and decide to take them to the Police station. What if one explode before we get there? The other says "We will lie and say we only found two".
A woman phoned her blond neighbor friend and said: Close your window curtain the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday. The blond man replied " The joke on all of you because I was not even home yesterday.
A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I do not know what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine.
From October 2013 ICO Newsletter:
Bob's Bear Removal Service
A homeowner goes out to get the newspaper one morning and finds a bear on his roof. He calls Bob's Bear Removal Service. Bob says he'll be right over.
Bob pulls up with a beat-up old pickup with a large cage in the back and a ladder on top. He gets out of the pickup with a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean looking dog. The home owner asks him what he plans to do. Bob explains "I am going to use the ladder to climb up on the roof. Then I'm going to knock the Bear off the roof with the baseball bat. The dog is trained to bite the Bear in the crotch and not let go. This stuns the bear enough for me to climb down the ladder and drag the bear into the cage". The homeowner thinks about it, nods his head but asks "what's the shotgun for?" Bob hands the shotgun to the homeowner and says. "If the bear happens to knock me off the roof first, shoot the dog."
Words of Wisdom
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
From September 2013 ICO Newsletter:
Phil and Joe
Two 90-year-old men, Phil and Joe, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Phil was dying, Joe visited him every day.
One day Joe said, "Phil, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: “when you get to heaven, Joe, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."
Phil looked up at Joe from his deathbed and said, "Joe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
A few nights later, Joe was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Joe". "Who is it," asked Joe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Joe -- it's me, Phil" "You're not Phil. Phil just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Phil," insisted the voice. "Phil Where are you?" "In heaven," replied Phil. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," said Joe. "The good news," Phil said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is baseball in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play ball all we want, and we never get tired." And we get to play with all the greats of the past.
"That's fantastic," said Joe "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
From June 2013 ICO Newsletter:
Got Shingles?
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in andasked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles. So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothesand wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where? 'Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them??'
Senility: Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'
Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
When the husband finally died, his wife put the death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
From May 2013 ICO Newsletter:
Greek and an Italian
A Greek and an Italian were sitting down at a bar. They started debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek said, "We have the parthenon"
The Italian said, "We have the coloseum"
The Greek said, "We had great mathematicians"
The Italian said " We had the Roman Empire"
and they went on and on and on. Then the Greek said "We invented sex".
The Italian said, "that is true, but it was the Italians who perfected it and introduced it to women".
Driving in Heaven
Three guys die and go to heaven. At the pearly gate St Peter asks the first guy, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" None. I had the perfect marriage"
"Great" said St Peter. You get to cruise around Heaven in a Mercedes.
And you how many times did you cheat on your wife? Only twice I think, said the second guy.
Okay said St Peter. You get to cruise around Heaven in a Cadillac. Turning to the third guy St Peter asked: How many times did you cheat on your wife?
12, maybe 13 times. Okay said St Peter you get a rusty Ford to cruise around Heaven.
Later that day the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying his heart out and asks him what's wrong? I just saw my wife. So????
She was riding a skateboard.
From April 2013 ICO Newsletter:
Light goes off and on
A 62-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Glenn, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Glenn replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Glenn's wife. "Mrs. McCall," he says, "Glenn is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?"
"Oh good grief!" Mrs. Mc Call exclaims, "He's peeing in the fridge again!"
Southern Medical Dictionary
Artery...The study of art
Barium... What to do when
Caesarean Section... A neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan... Searching for Kitty
Dilate...To live long
Enema...Enemy
Morbid...A higher offer
Nitrates...Cheaper tan day rates
Medical Staff...A doctor's cane
Rectum...Near killed him
Terminal illness...Getting sick at the airport
Tumor...One plus one more
Cauterize...Made eye contact with her
Coma...A punctuation mark
And just one more...
Urine...Opposite of you're out.
From March 2013 ICO Newsletter:
What a Bus Ride!
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, she attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. At about this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
The Young Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically, all in the name of humor!"
From February 2013 ICO Newsletter:
Lawyer Logic
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston Texas.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says, "License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please".
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?" "The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?
Christmas Shopping
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I Remember that Jewelry Store.
"He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
Kinda touches your heart, doesn't it?
From January 2013 ICO Newsletter:
Her First Football Game
Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right on the 50 yard line. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. "Yeah, it was great," she said. "I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don't get why all the fuss about a quarter!" Charlie, confused, asked what she meant.
"At the beginning of the game," she explained, "I saw the referee flip a quarter. Then during the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It's only 25 cents!"
Gotta Pee
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic with the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!. "That's nothing," said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card stuck to her rear end that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
From December 2012 ICO Newsletter:
The Four Great Religious Truths:
Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
Bada Boom
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuaded her to marry you? "I lied about my age" Bob replies. "What did you tell her; you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
The Prescription
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked,
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You cannot have Cyanide"!
The lady reached out into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You did not tell me you had a prescription".
From November 2012 ICO Newsletter:
Sister Barbara
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair”. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.
"Don't Despair” paid 80-to-1
The South - Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied "Everythang but my earring".
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
From October 2012 ICO Newsletter:
Growing older….
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.. But,by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
Senility:
I noticed an old woman sitting on a park bench crying her heart out.
I stopped and asked what was wrong. She said “I have a 22 year old husband at home who makes love to me every morning, makes me coffee, serves me breakfast of pancakes, sausages, and fresh fruits. At noon he makes me soup and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half of the afternoon. For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal, with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2 AM.”
So why are you crying, I said? And she said
“I can’t remember where I live.”
From September 2012 ICO Newsletter:
Whether You're Here or Not
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?
His new bride said: No that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven O’clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
Bitter Quarrel
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold as Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'
Second Opinion
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
From June 2012 ICO Newsletter:
A Fine Explanation
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
She was very upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened. Fine, go ahead she sobbed but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
Life's Thoughts
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
From May 2012 ICO Newsletter:
Are you Kathlick??
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school.
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there. One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
Sure “said the janitor”.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at the time. Then he said, “You are now baptized “!
When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick,
because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis,
because they dunk all of you in the water." "We're not Methdiss,
because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
“I think it means we’re
Pisskopailians”!
How To Start A Fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift....
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
From April 2012 ICO Newsletter:
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then, eventually, try to get to where you can lift a 100- lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Why Men Are Never Depressed
--Your last name stays put.
--The garage is all yours.
--You only have to shave your face and neck.
--You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
--The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
--Wedding plans take care of themselves.
--Chocolate is just another snack...
-- You can be President.
--You can never be pregnant.
--You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
--Car mechanics tell you the truth.
--Same work, more pay.
--Wrinkles add character.
--Everything on your face stays its original color.
From March 2012 ICO Newsletter:
Scotch with two drops of water
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would
like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says,
'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies ' Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.
OLD IS WHEN….
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'pick one; I can't do both!'
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
From February 2012 ICO Newsletter:
Seniors
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don’t know he said. She is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.
An Elderly Couple
Had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love you know the one that’s
Red and has thorns.
Do you mean a rose?
Yes, that’s the one, replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night.
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
From January 2012 ICO Newsletter:
Actual Australian Court Docket 12659
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Why Italians Pass Their Guns Down To The Family
An old Italian man is dying.
He calls his grandson to his bedside... "Mike, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna cama home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man…Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, “Time’s Up?”
From December 2011 ICO Newsletter:
Witty Irish Priest.
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station...... The conversation went like this: ''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'' ''And the best of the day teyerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
“Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'' There was dead silence on the line for a long moment… Father O'Malley then replied: ''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.
Little Larry
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
After a few minutes, Larry asked,
“Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, “because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy mom…”
From November 2011 ICO Newsletter:
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square, Rome.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace.”
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says”Your Eminence.”
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him “Your Holiness.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence.
The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
Slim,
Tall,
38D breasts,
24" waist, and
34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say,”My God.”
You know you are Italian when…
A portrait of the Pope and Frank Sinatra hang in the dining room.
Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.
Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said
(To New York )TO NY
If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living room, bedroom, front porch and backyard.
Turkey is served on Thanksgiving AFTER the manicotti, gnocchi, lasagna, and minestrone
Meatballs are made with pork, veal and beef. Italians do not care about cholesterol.
From October 2011 ICO Newsletter:
Sex at 100
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply Ding in, Dong out.
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!
Dead Jackass
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission church.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. “How might I help you?''
''And the best of the day teyerself . This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...
Father O'Malley then replied: ''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”
From September 2011 ICO Newsletter:
Trip to the Ballpark
“A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started…….the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts” And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem …he yelled, “Down Nuts”. And they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts”. They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Boo Nuts!!!” and they all started booing and cat calling. Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, “What in the world
Happened”? The assistant replied, “Well everything was going well until a vendor passed by and yelled “PEANUTS”.
The current down trend in the USA economy has hit everybody really hard.
Here are some of the trends we noticed.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
CEO’s are now playing miniature Golf
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a fundamentalist Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked ”Insufficient funds” you call them and ask if they mean you or them.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her.
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called the Suicide Hotline and got a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
From June 2011 ICO Newsletter:
The Jewish man said, 'Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her
body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she
screamed for five full minutes at the end!'
The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her
body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for
10 minutes!'
The Italian man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed
her body all over with olive oil. We made love, And she
screamed for over six hours!'
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”
The Italian said.............I wiped my hands on the bedspread.
Blond Texan
Amy a blond Texan city girl marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy. “The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two by four just above the cows stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the Front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along long rows of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one…right here.”
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blond, the man asks, “How did you know this is the cow to be bred?”
“That’s simple. By the nail over its stall”, Amy explains.
Then the man asks, “what’s the nail for?”
“I guess it’s to hang your pants on”, she tells him as she walks away.
From May 2011 ICO Newsletter:
Worm in church
A Minister thought that a visual demonstration would add emphasis on his Sunday sermon.
He placed 4 worms in four separate jars.
The first worm was placed in a jar containing alcohol.
The second worm in a jar containing smoke.
The 3rd worm in a jar containing chocolate syrup.
The 4th in a jar containing clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm -- Dead
The second – Dead
The 3rd – Dead
The 4th – Alive
So the Minister asked the congregation what they had learned from the demonstration.
Maxine sitting at the back quickly raised her hand and said, “as long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you do not have worms”. That pretty much ended the service.
Cannibal Menu
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.... +Tourist: $8.00 +Broiled Missionary: $10.00+ Fried Explorer: $ 12.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of CRAP, it Takes all day to clean them out.
Cheap Parking in NYC
An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for
two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the
bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for
the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was
parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having
to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $25000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5000 Loan.
Then the employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground
garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5000?
Where else could I park a Ferrari for 2 weeks in N.Y City for 23.07 and find it when I got back?
Ah, the Italians... Bada Bing!
From April 2011 ICO Newsletter:
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Italian countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think 500 Euro is enough to donate to them for the service?
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
From March 2011 ICO Newsletter:
Church ladies with typewriters are back.
These notices with all the Bloopers actually appeared in church bulletins or announced in church services.
The fasting & prayer conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: “Jesus walks on water”. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don’t let worry kill you off. Let the church help.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the person you want remembered.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the .S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eight graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.
From February 2011 ICO Newsletter:
MEN BEWARE!
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE:
-Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
-Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
-Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see above).
-Go Ahead: Don’t do it! This is a dare, not permission.
-Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you about nothing. (Refer to #3 above for the meaning of “Nothing”).
_That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
_Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you are welcome. (This is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” which is PURE sarcasm, she’s not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome”, that will bring a “Whatever”.
_Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F-YOU!
_Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” for the woman response refer to #3
From January 2011 ICO Newsletter:
A Wedding Made in Heaven
A couple is killed the night before their wedding. They go to heaven, and they ask St Peter if they can get married. St Peter says, “Okay. I’ll come and get you when we can do that.”
Ten years later, he tells the couple, “Okay we can have your wedding now.”
So they get married, and there’s a minister and flowers and nice music and all, but pretty soon they realize they made a mistake. They go to St Peter and say they want a divorce. St Peter says, “Okay. I’ll come and tell you when we can do that.”
The couple asks how long it will take. St Peter says, “It took ten years to get a preacher up here. Who knows how long it’s going to be before a lawyer shows up!”
Exciting Homework Assignment
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they did find, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. “It’s a period,” said the little boy. “Well, I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exiting about a period?” “Damned if I know,” said the little boy, “but this morning my sister was missing one, and daddy had a heart attack, mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”
The Repairman
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the following day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. “Oh by the way don’t worry about the bulldog. He won’t bother you but, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot! Repeat, do not talk to my parrot.
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the Repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!” to which the parrot replied, “GET HIM SPIKE.!”
COME LAUGH WITH US!
COME LAUGH WITH US!
If you know a joke or two, send it to Steve at stephenlong10@gmail.com and we will publish it.
From December 2021 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Christmas:
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph.
How is Christmas exactly like your job? You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has No-el.es
What do you call a broke Santa? Saint Nickel-less
What’s every parent’s favorite Christmas Carol? Silent Night.
What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A pineapple!
What kind of motorcycle does Santa like to ride? A Holly Davidson!
How does a snowman lose weight? He waits for the weather to get warmer!
What should you give your parents at Christmas? A list of what you want.
What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa walking backwards!
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house!
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So I bought her nothing.
The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
How do you scare a snowman? Grab a hairdryer!
What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly? Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
From November 2021 ICO Newsletter:
Benefits of old age….
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim".
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... “I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
From October 2021 ICO Newsletter:
Senior Wisdom?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
My bucket list: keep breathing.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, "Close enough."
Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.
I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!
Retirement to do list: Wake up. Nailed it!
Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
Went to an antique auction and people were bidding on me.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full, miss the point. The glass is refillable.
I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.
My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, please, please, please eat a salad!
Never laugh at your spouse's choices. You are one of them.
One minute you're young and fun. The next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.
My body is a temple; ancient and crumbling.
I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.
Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.
Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone else who doesn't have it.
I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing.
Retraced my steps.
Got lost on the way back.
Now I have no idea what's going on.
From September 2021 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Grandparents Day:
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpa? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, “No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa again says, “No, not now. I don’t really want to do that. I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.”
Then the third little boy comes out and says, “Grandpa, oh please… Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?”
“Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, “Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!”
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well?
Because they have a common enemy.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
From June 2021 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Father’s Day:
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid.
"It's state of the art," he said. "It cost me a fortune."
"Awesome. What type is it?" I asked. "2:30," he said.
I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, “You.”
Happy Father’s Day to a dad that was smart enough to teach his kid to mow the lawn so he wouldn’t have to.
Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.
Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait!
Dad Quotes
“Me and my dad used to play tag. He’d drive.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” —Jerry Seinfeld
“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” —Rita Rudner
“Four-year-old: Tell me a scary story! Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions. Four-year-old: Why?” —James Breakwell
“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say, ‘Yeah? When?’” —Bill Hicks
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant; I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” —Mark Twain
“When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'” —Jerry Lewis
From May 2021 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Mother’s Day:
After putting her children to bed, Jacqui changes into her old jeans and a worn out blouse and proceeds to wash her hair. As she hears the children getting more and more noisy in their bedroom, her tolerance grows thin. At last Jacqui wraps a towel around her wet head and storms into their room, putting them back to bed and giving them severe warnings. While leaving the room, she overhears her three-year-old say in a shaky voice, 'Who was "that"?
My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
Phone Home? Lionel phones his mother living in Springfield, MA USA. 'Mum, how are you?' he asks. 'Not too good,' answers Lionel's mother, 'I've been very weak.' Lionel, concerned asks, 'Why are you so weak, mother?' She says, 'Because I haven't eaten in 23 days' Lionel stammers, 'That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 23 days?' His mother replies, 'Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should phone.'
My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. - Oscar Wilde
There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. - Chinese Proverb
My mother taught me RELIGION. "You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet."
From April 2021 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Easter:
How many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?
Only one—after that it's not empty anymore!
Why did the Easter Bunny have on a hat?
Because he was having a bad hare day.
Where does the Easter Bunny like to eat breakfast? IHOP
What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket?
Two points, just like everyone else!
How can you tell which rabbits are oldest in a group?
Just look for the gray hares
A parishioner was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the parishioner by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" The parishioner replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
What do you call a line of rabbits jumping backwards?
A receding hare-line
What do you call an Easter Bunny with fleas?
Bugs Bunny!
Why are bunnies the luckiest animals?
Because they each have four rabbits' feet!
Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail?
To a re-tail store
364 days of the year: Do NOT eat anything you find on the ground.
Easter: Go and search in the dirt for candy a strange giant bunny left for you, kids!
From March 2021 ICO Newsletter:
Deep thoughts in the era of Covid 19:
Silly You!
You thought dogs were hard to train. Just look at all the humans who can’t sit and stay.
Anyone else getting a tan from the light in the fridge?
I’m so excited to take the garbage out. I wonder what I should wear?
The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors:
1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is
Day 27 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See, this is why I chew the furniture.”
Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized, even the trash goes out more than me.
Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald headed alcoholic.
Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever. Well, wish granted. Happy Now.
Did a BIG load of pajamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.
People start coughing and worry they have the coronavirus, I cough and just pray I don’t pee myself…
It’s been a great blessing to be a home with the wife these last few months. We’ve caught up on everything I’ve done wrong in the last 20 years.
How long is this social distancing thing supposed to last? My husband keeps trying to come into the house.
From February 2021 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Valentine’s Day:
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day? Yes, it is February 14th.
Love is getting mad at someone, telling that person to go to hell, and hoping that they get there safely.
A couple are on a date at a fancy restaurant. The woman tells the man to say something to her that will get her heart racing. He replies, “I forgot my wallet.”
When you are in love, it is the most glorious two and a half days of one’s entire life.
A husband was looking at himself in the mirror and asked his wife, “Will you still love me when I am old, fat, and bald?” She replied, “I do.”
What is the ideal marriage? One that is between a spouse that is deaf and a spouse that is blind.
Marriage comes with no guarantees, so if that is what you are looking for, then you are better off buying a car battery.
Before you decide to make the commitment to marry a person, you should have them use a computer with a very slow internet connection so they can show you who they truly are.
A girl asked her boyfriend if he would still love her after marriage. He replied, “That depends on what your husband will think.”
I want to spend the rest of my life trying to get out of debt with you.
From January 2021 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of New Year’s:
I love when they drop the ball in Times Square ... It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.
My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full ... with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year ... but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds ... Only 15 more to go!
Let’s celebrate New Year’s Eve ... by making many pour decisions!
My New Year's resolution is to break my New Year's resolutions. That way I succeed at something!
Things You Never Knew About New Year's
The guy credited with Auld Lang Syne didn't fully write it. Robert Burns took a Scottish folk song called "Old Long Syne" and put his own spin on it in 1788, which is the version we all know today. Auld lang syne means "times long past."
On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.
From December 2020 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Christmas:
Short Funny Xmas Story
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the elevator at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the elevator travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a $50 note lying on the elevator's floor. Which one picked up the $50 note, and handed it in at reception? Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!
Q: Why is Santa so jolly? A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.
Short Funny Xmas Story
Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus all got into the elevator at the Ritz Hotel in London. As the elevator travelled from the 5th floor down to the ground level, one-by-one they noticed a $50 note lying on the elevator's floor. Which one picked up the $50 note, and handed it in at reception? Santa of course, the other two don't actually exist!
Q: Why is Santa so jolly? A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.
Why is being a parent on Christmas Day like being at work?
You do all the work and some guy in a suit takes credit.
If you want to save money this Christmas. Now is the perfect time to tell the kids. Santa didn't make it through the pandemic..
From November 2020 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Thanksgiving:
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn't just quit "cold turkey."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She turned to the stock boy and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No, ma'am," he replied. "They're dead."
Mom wants you to help us fix Thanksgiving dinner.
Dad: Why? Is it broken?
What did the turkey say to the computer?
“Google, google, google.”
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
The turkey because it’s already stuffed!
What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving? Lucky.
When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say, “I'm thankful I didn't get caught,” and refuse to say anything more.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department.
Count Your Blessings
Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings...
One by one...
As each relative goes home.
What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day? What? “Quack! Quack!”
From October 2020 ICO Newsletter:
In honor of Medicare open enrollment here are some medical embarrassment stories from real doctors.
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. When he arrived, the doctor examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
From June 2020 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Father’s Day:
I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, “You.”
Happy Father’s Day to a dad that was smart enough to teach his kid to mow the lawn so he wouldn’t have to.
Which bus?
A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.
“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”
“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.
“ …Which bus would I take home?”
Son: For $20, I’ll be good.
Dad: Oh, yeah? When I was your age, I was good for nothing.
Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.
Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait!
Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.
Fathers Day, when you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.
I got my dad one of those typical Fathers Day cards. You know, with a picture of a hunting coat hanging on a peg, a duck decoy and some golf clubs leaning in the corner. Perfect card for him, because there’s nothing Dad loves more than going out in the woods on a frosty morning and beating ducks to death with a 4-iron.
Dad, I'm so proud of the many talents I've inherited from you. Happy Farters Day!
Father's Day History
Father's Day is the day to recognize, honor and celebrate the sacrifices and accomplishments of fathers. In 1910, Washington State Governor declared Father's Day on the 19th of July. It then became a permanent federal holiday in 1972 when President Richard Nixon proclaimed that the third Sunday in June would be further known as Father's Day.On this day, children celebrate their fathers and father figures to show their love and appreciation.
Mom: Why are you home so early?
Dad: My boss told me to go to hell.
On Father’s Day, I’m doing something for my dad that he’s wanted for years. I’m getting a job.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."
From May 2020 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Mother’s Day:
'Turning the Knife'
While assembling furniture, Liz asked her friend's six-year-old son, Ricky, to bring her a screwdriver. 'Do you want a 'Daddy' screwdriver or a 'Mummy' screwdriver?' Ricky politely inquired. Confused by the question, Liz responded with, 'Bring me a 'Mummy' screwdriver.' Ricky returned and handed her a butter knife.
The Stages of Motherhood:
4 Years Of Age - My mummy can do anything. 8 Years Of Age - My mum knows a lot. 12 Years Of Age - My mother doesn't really know quite everything. 14 Years Of Age - Naturally, mother doesn't know that, either. 16 Years Of Age - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 Years Of Age - That old woman? She's way out of date. 25 Years Of Age - Well, she might know a little bit about it. 35 Years Of Age - Before we decide, let's get mum's opinion. 45 Years Of Age - Wonder what mum would have thought about it. 65 Years Of Age - Wish, I could talk it over with Mum.
Daughter: Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?
Mom: I don’t know dear, you’d have to ask Grandma.
“People who say they sleep like a baby don’t have one.”
What three words solves Dad’s every problem? Ask your mother.
A mother’s sacrifice isn’t giving birth. It’s nine months without wine.
I have the perfect son
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. “As a surprise for Mother’s Day,” one explained, “We decided to cook our own breakfast.”
From April 2020 ICO Newsletter:
Prayer for Easter
Young Ernie and his family were invited to have Easter lunch at his grandmother's house in Monkey's Eyebrow, Arizona. USA. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Ernie received his plate he started eating straight away.
'Ernie, wait until we say grace,' demanded his father.
'I don't have to,' the five-year old replied.
'Of course you do, Ernest,' his mother insisted rather forcefully. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house,' Ernie explained, 'but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook.'
Learn to Read the Signs
Tony had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife, Anita, "Mother of Six," in spite of her regular objections.
One evening, in their retirement years, they go to a party. It is late and Tony is ready to go home and wants to find out if Anita is ready to leave as well.
Tony bellows at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home, Mother of Six?'
Anita, greatly irritated by Tony’s lack of discretion over so many years, yells back at him, 'Anytime you're ready, "Father of Four".'
Good Women Are Hard to Find
Luigi and Mario, are keen fishermen and wine drinkers. Slurping a large Bordeaux Supérieur, Luigi announces, 'I think I'm going to divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in eighteen months.'
Mario downs his glass of the red wine thoughtfully and after a while responds, 'Think it over a bit more, Luigi; women like that are hard to find.'
Why We Split Up
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up. So I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back.
Good Basis for Marriage?
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.
'Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship, 'the wife explained.' He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well and I just act like I'm listening.'
Funny Tax Return
There was a man who made his tax returns promptly and properly only to find that he owed the IRS, $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my tax return and payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund', as noted on my return. Might I suggest you then send the above mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screwdriver. (See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I have just read an article about the Pentagon and 'screwdrivers'.
Sincerely,
From March 2020 ICO Newsletter:
Italian Job Application
Mario applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Italian firm based in Rome. An American applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer.
The manager went to Mario and said, 'Thank you for coming to the interview, but We've decided to give the American the job.'
Mario, 'And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Italy and me being Italian surely I should get the job.'
Manager, 'We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.'
Mario, 'And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?'
Manager, 'Simple. On question number 7 the American wrote down, 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.'
An Italian Bank Robber
It's Saint Patrick's Day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Italian customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?' screams the robber.
There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Italian gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, 'I think my wife may have caught a glimpse.'
One Liners:
Drink green beer on St. Patrick’s Day! It counts as a vegetable!
Q: How does every Italian joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: Why did Pope Benedict have reservations about accepting his papacy?
A: It meant moving to an Italian neighborhood!
Water to Wine
A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
From February 2020 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Valentine’s Day:
"If you step on a purple mushroom, you'll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world," warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods. He didn't step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: "We have to marry."
"Why?" asked the man, smiling.
"I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!" she replied.
Man: “Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Jack. I don’t have a mansion like Russell. I don’t have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you.”
Woman: “Oh, dear, I love you too! What was that you said about Martin?”
Pastoral Passion
The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine’s Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man’s sexier choice. When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter. “Would you have anything in black flannel?” He asked.
Q: What do single people call Valentine’s Day?
A: Happy Independence Day.
Girl: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”
Boy: “Really?”
Girl: “Yeah, you make me sick!”
AN OLDER WOMAN runs into her friend at the mall. “You’re not going to believe this,” she said. “I found an old lamp the other day. I rubbed it and a genie popped out. He explained that genies don’t give three wishes anymore, but he did offer me a choice between one of two wishes. He could give me a better memory or turn my husband into the greatest lover ever.”
“Tough choice,” said her friend. “Which one did you choose?”
“That’s the thing. I can’t remember.”
I gave my girlfriend a cannoli for Valentine’s Day.
When she asked why, I said, “I cannoli be happy when I’m with you.”
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak? February 14th.
From January 2020 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of New Year’s:
How you elect to spend New Year’s Eve will depend on your:
1. age
2. remaining levels of optimism
3. threshold of pain
Every New Year’s I have the same question: “How did I get home?”
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
On New Year’s, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.
A New Year's Wish
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.
My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are.
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
Women get a little more excited about New Year’s Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.
New Year’s parades have a lot in common with Santa Claus. Nobody is awake to see either one of them.
My New Year’s resolution is to try to remember why I've walked into a room.
A New Year Prayer for the Elderly
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
On New Year’s Eve, Mario was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.
‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Mario.
‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.
‘My wife,’ slurred Mario grimly.
From December 2019 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Christmas:
Something Fast
A woman, shortly before Christmas, told her husband that she would like something able to go from 0 to 100 in more or less 4 seconds ... It goes without saying that she wanted a new car. The husband was a bit of a cheapskate. So for Christmas, the woman received a scale!
Train Set
Mason says to his mother: You can delete the train set from my Christmas wish list.
Mother: Why is that?
Mason: Yesterday, I found one in the closet.
Scrooge
I asked Ebenezer Scrooge "Where is your Christmas spirit?" and he pointed to the liquor cabinet.
Mafia Christmas
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."
Nativity Scene
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Early Shopper
It is late December and the correctional court judge is in a good mood. He asks the defendant: "What are you accused of?" The defendant replies "I am accused of having done my Christmas shopping too early!" The judges says "But that's not a crime." "Well, it was before the store opened..."
The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus
From November 2019 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Thanksgiving:
Their Coming!
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him, "Son, I'm really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can't live with each other anymore."
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?"
The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other anymore. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?"
The father then hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me; I'll take care of this."
So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?"
She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Thanksgiving One-Liners
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. -Johnny Carson
What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving Day? On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.
About two weeks into November, the head turkey turns to his second-in-command and says, “I have a feeling something’s going down.
The farmer just unfriended me on Facebook.”
Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," Little Johnny wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Thanksgiving Parrot
A man always wanted a parrot since he was a boy, his family knowing this decided to surprise him on Thanksgiving Day.
Now the parrot wasn't raised in a Christian environment and it was mocking, insulting, and threatening the man. That thanksgiving day he got the man, so angry that he put the parrot in the freezer.
After 3 minutes he let the parrot out. The parrot says "I take it by your attitude and behavior I somehow offended you." The man says "You did." Then the parrot says "Can I ask you one more question?" The man says "Sure. What is it?" The parrot asked "What did the turkey do?"
Blonde Thanksgiving
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone.
The next day, her mother called to see how everything went. "Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter. "Did it not taste good?" her mother asked. "I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
From October 2019 ICO Newsletter:
Halo Statues
An Italian man immigrates to America. He starts sweeping floors in a pizzeria, and after 15 years works his way up to owning a small chain of pizzerias. He decides to have his own house designed and built for him. And it is going to have everything!
One day he is talking to the contractor and said, "Makea you sure you puta plenty da halo statues inna da house. I wanna hava lotsa da halo statues. One inna every room, even da bathroom." The contractor, realizing his client must be a very religious person, carefully plans a niche in every room, and personally searches for the perfect statue for each niche.
Finally, the house is finished. The Italian man walks through his new home for the first time.
The contractor points out all the features, and finally the Italian man said, "But wherea are alluh myhalo statues?
I wanna lotsa halo statues!" And the contractor points to the niches and said, "I put a statue in every room, like you asked."
The Italian replies, "No, no, no! I donna no wanna nonea daSaintas. I wanna da Halo Statues!
You knowa da Halo Statues? Deya ring anda you picka dem up, anna you say, halo 'stat you?"
Heaven and Hell
In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, and the bankers are Italian.
Where did Columbus first land in America? On his feet!
In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue...........
And in 1495 his luggage and baggage finally arrived.
From September 2019 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Grandparents Day:
Dalmatian Duties
A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren back to their parents one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”
Why do Grandpas smile all the time? Because they can't hear a word you're saying!
The Babysitter
One evening a grandmother was babysitting her two granddaughters Anne and Betty. Presently, 8:00 PM rolled around.
“Okay, time for bed,” she informed the two children who were playing in the den. “Why?” Anne asked (aged 6). “It’s so early!” “Your father said your bedtime is 8:00,” the grandmother said. “You don’t have to listen to him,” Betty (aged 4½) replied. “Why not?” the grandmother asked. Betty answered, “Because you’re his mother!”
Hearing Problem?
A Grandfather who had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%. The grandpa went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” To which the elderly man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
When is your grandma’s bedtime? Three hours after she falls asleep on the couch.
Diapers
My wife & I were keeping a young grandson for an afternoon. My wife said we were short of diapers and requested I go to the nearby drug store to buy some additional ones. I located a female clerk about 20 years old at the store and asked which aisle I could find diapers. She responded, “adult or baby?”
103 Years Old
A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandma: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The Bus Driver
A little old lady got on a city bus, and sat down behind the bus driver. After a couple minutes, she asked him, "Hey, mister! Want some peanuts?", and held up a bag full. "Sure!", he said, and popped a handful in his mouth. After eating several more, he asked, "Hey...don't you want to have some of these?" "Nope," the old lady replied, "Ain't got no teeth! I just likes the chocolate on the outsides!"
From June 2019 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Father’s Day:
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”
“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M Company!”
A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
Who is the Winner?
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to mother? And "Who does everything mother says?"
Five small voices replied in unison. "Okay daddy! You get the toy."
Who's the Boss?
“While having their evening dinner together, a little girl looked up at her father and asked, “Daddy, you’re the boss in our family, right?” The father was very pleased to hear it and confidently replied, “Yes, my little princess.” The girl then continued, “That’s because mommy put you in charge, right?”
From May 2019 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Mother’s Day:
A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day but the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, her husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not believing her, he asked again. “No seriously, what’s wrong?”
Finally she said, “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as ‘Thank you.'”
“Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I had a Father’s Day gift.”
“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
What’s a Man?
A kid asks his dad, “What’s a man?” The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.” The kid says, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
Why Still Single?
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?” Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
How the Human Race was Created
A little girl asked her mom, “How did the human race appear?”
Mom answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made …”
Two days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mom and said, “Mom how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!”
A boy goes to a strip club.
Mom: Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see?
BOY: Yes, I saw dad!
What three words solves Dad’s every problem?
Ask your mother.
From April 2019 ICO Newsletter:
In Honor of Tax time:
Little Boy Tax Lesson
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Live Saver
An Italian man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son.
The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth.
As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and turning blue in the face and the Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's private parts and squeezes gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks.
As the man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the IRS."
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Q: What's the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
A: About 20 years.
Q: What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of I.R.S. agents do?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
The guy who said that the truth never hurts never had to fill out a form 1040.
Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get.
A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time.
From March 2019 ICO Newsletter:
Big Rock
An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled. 'I gave you a sham rock.'
Old Man at the Dam
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten liter bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.
St. Patrick’s Day One-Liners
I went out drinking on St Patrick’s Day, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? Regular rocks are too heavy.
Drink green beer on St Patrick’s Day! It counts as a vegetable!
From February 2019 ICO Newsletter:
A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift
Luigi asked his friend, Mario, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
“Yes,” came the answer from Mario who was a bit of a chauvinist, “I've bought her a belt and a bag.”
“That was very kind of you,” Luigi added, “I hope she appreciated the thought.”
Mario smiled as he replied, “So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.”
Valentine Dreams
One morning Maria woke up with a start. Her husband Mario asked what was the matter, she told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," Mario said.
That evening, Mario came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Maria opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
500 Valentine Cards Sent by Desperate Man
Luigi walked into a post office just before Valentine's Day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes. By now Luigi's curiosity had got the better of him, and so he asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asked Luigi.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.
Valentine Flowers
My disappointed wife called me from her work phone the day after Valentine's Day. She said, "Three of the girls in the office received flowers yesterday. They are absolutely gorgeous."
I said, "Well that's probably why they received flowers then."
From January 2019 ICO Newsletter:
Bad Haircut
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Delta," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Delta?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of Delta's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the terrible haircut?
From December 2018 ICO Newsletter:
Christmas Italian Style
Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear, But da Don of all elfs, and eight friggin' reindeer!Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
and he brought da loot! Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
and a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
and he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun
and hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
and slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose. He twisted his pinky ring,
and up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
From November 2018 ICO Newsletter:
The Wedding Cake
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience at a health seminar. "The material we call food that we put into our stomachs today is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Macaroni is fattening, Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it at one point in our lives. Can anyone here tell me what food produces the most long term damage to us even years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old Italian man in the front row stood up and said, "It'sa d' Weddinga cake"
The Italian Elbow
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am ina apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What .... . You coming empty handed?"
A Brief Declaration
A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.
The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?"
He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"
From October 2018 ICO Newsletter:
Catholic Shampoo
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed the beer cooler, one nun said “wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?
The second nun answered, indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the check- out stand”.
“I can handle that without a problem,” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer, “We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said, back at our nunnery, we call it Catholic shampoo.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nuns straight in the eyes, smiled and said: “The curlers are on the house.”
The Taxi Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question about the city. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the side walk, and stops the car inches before it crashes through the front of a store window. Both men sit completely silent until the driver turns and says, “Look man, don’t ever do that to me again. You scared the crap out of me!”
The passenger apologizes and says. “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”
The driver replies, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. Before this, I drove a hearse”.
From September 2018 ICO Newsletter:
Mexican Jews
Sid and Al are discussing if there are any Jews in Mexico.
I don’t know said Sid. Let’s ask the waiter.
Are there any Mexican Jews in Mexico? I don’t know, senor. Let me ask. The waiter goes into the kitchen. He returns a few minutes later and says. No sir, no Mexican Jews. Are you sure? Al asked. I’ll check again, senor.
While he was gone, Sid said, I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our People are scattered everywhere. When the waiter returns he says, no senor, no Mexican Jews. Are you sure? Senor, I asked everyone the exasperated waiter replied. We have Orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews.
The Dead Donkey
Kenny, a city boy, moved to the county and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died last night. Kenny says, well then give me back my money. I can’t do that. I went and spent it. Okay then, just unload the donkey. What you going to do with him? I am going to raffle him off. You can’t raffle a dead donkey said the farmer. Sure I can. I just won’t tell anybody he is dead. A month later the farmer met with Kenny and asked. What happened with that dead donkey? I raffle him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollar each and made a profit of $998. The farmer asked. Did anyone complain? Just the guy that won, said Kenny. I just gave him back his two dollars.
From June 2018 ICO Newsletter:
WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, Goodness officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear—you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control”. The officer writes out a ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can you please keep your mouth shut for once”?
The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher”. As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal Radar detector unit, the man look at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman can you keep your mouth shut”?
The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you are not wearing your seat belts, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine”.
The driver says, ”Well, yea, you see officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket”.
The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you did not have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving”.
And as the policeman is writing a third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”
The officer looks over at the woman and asks “Does your husband always talk like that to you, ma’am”?? The woman says, “Only when he has been drinking”.
The above joke was sent by Anthony Guadagno. Thank you, Antonio.
From May 2018 ICO Newsletter:
The Homework Assignment
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. The boy walked up to the blackboard made a small white dot and sat down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. “It’s a period” said the little boy. ” Well, I can see that” the teacher said, “but what is so exciting about a period?” “Damned if I know” said the little boy, “But this morning my sister was missing one, my daddy had a heart attack, my mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”
The Zipper
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper open. A lady cashier walked up to him and said “Your barrack’s door is open”. This is not a phrase that man use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was done shopping, a man came up to him and said, “Your fly is open”. He zipped up. Then got in line where the lady was that told him about his barrack’s door. He said to the lady, “When you saw my barrack door open did you see a soldier standing in attention?. The lady thought for a moment and said, “No, no I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags”.
Superior Culture
A Greek and an Italian where debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek said “we have the Parthenon.”
The Italian said “We have the Coliseum.”
The Greek said “we had great mathematicians.”
The Italian said “We had the Roman Empire.”
…and so on and on and then the Greek said: “We invented sex.”
The Italian said, “That’s true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.”
OOPS
A plane was taking off from the Kennedy Airport. When it reached a comfortable altitude the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight 293 the weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax…OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in coach yelled. That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
From April 2018 ICO Newsletter:
Fantastic Weekend
A young man walked into a Yuma Jeweler’s shop with the most beautiful young lady. I’m looking for a special ring for my girlfriend. The jeweler looks through his stock and takes out a ring priced at $5000.
I don’t think you understand… I want something unique. At that the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe. Here’s one for $40.000. The girl eyes sparkled and the man said I take it. How are you paying?
I will pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order so I’ll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I’ll pick up the ring on Monday.
Monday morning a very mad jeweler phones the man. You lied to me. There is no money in that account. I know, but you can imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?
Vacuum Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning said the young man. If I could take a couple of minutes of your time I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners. Go away I haven’t got any money and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. Don’t be too hasty! Not until you have at least seen my demonstration and with that he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her carpet. If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said. Well I hope you’ve got a damned good appetite, because they shut off my electricity this morning.
They are Carol’s
Three men died on Christmas eve and were met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
In honor of this holy season St. Peter said, you must each posses something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates St. Peter said.
The second man reached in his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They are bells. St Peter said you may pass.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St Peter looked at the man with raised eyebrow and asked. And just what those symbolize? The man replied, “They are Carol’s”.
From March 2018 ICO Newsletter:
What Fish?
A camper was stopped by a game warden as he was returning to his campsite with a bucket of still alive fish. Do you have a fishing license? No sir, these are my pet fish the man replied. Pet fish? The warden asked. Yes sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. When they hear the whistle they jump into the bucket and I take back to the camp. That’s a bunch of baloney said the warden as he reached for his citations pad. If you do not believe me follow me back to the lake to see how it works. Still suspicious but curious the warden agreed. So they walked to the lake. There, the man poured the fish into the lake where they disappeared into the water. Okay said the warden call them back. Call who back? The fish said the warden. What fish? Said the man.
Cowboy Dentist Visit
A cowboy walks into a dentist office and after the dentist examines him says, the tooth has to come out. I am going to give you a shot of Novocain. The man grabs the doc’s arm and says. No way! I hate needles. I’m not having any shots! Okay we will go with gas. The man says, absolutely not. Gas makes me sick. So the doctor steps out and comes back with a glass of water. Here, take this pill. The man asks. ”what is it?”
The doctor replies, “Viagra.” The man says, “Will it kill the pain?” “No” replies the dentist “but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth.
From February 2018 ICO Newsletter:
Italian Pregnancy
An 18-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will Pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 ea. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him:
“You gonna try again”.
Brown Pants
An admiral is staring off the deck of his battleship at the approaching enemy on the horizon. “Fetch my red shirt,’ the admiral says to his first officer. “If I’m wounded in battle, I don’t want the men to see I’m bleeding. It will kill morale.”
“But sir,” says the first officer, “there is a fleet of fifteen ships coming right for us.”
“Oh,” the admiral sighs. Well, in that case go grab my brown pants.”
Give Me My Money!
A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!” The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”
The thief replies, “oh, well in that case, give me my money!”
From January 2018 ICO Newsletter:
Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear”
The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?”
The first man replies while walking out the door, because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sickfrom work the previous day.
“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”
“She was really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and the FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, “My husband is home! My husband is home!”
Two men are sitting in a sauna after a workout. “I’ll be honest; my wife really is an angel.” You’re lucky.” The second man answers, wiping the sweat from his brow,
“My wife is still alive.”
“It’s really hot outside,” a husband tells his wife, staring out the front window.
“What do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?” he asks jokingly. The wife replies without hesitation, “They’ll probably think I married you for your money.”
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says “I love you.”
The husband says “is that you or the wine talking?” The wife says, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”
From December 2017 ICO Newsletter:
The World Women's Conference
At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his Shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”
To Young to Die
Emma, who was on a sinking ship, was thinking, I am too young to die. Then, she yelled at the people around, well, if I am going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this ship who can make me feel like a woman?
For a moment, there was silence. No response came for a while. Then an Italian man stood up. He was gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He started to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt...one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest...
She gasps...
He whispers...
Iron this, and get me something to eat.
A woman explains to her doctor her recent issues with going to the bathroom. I’ve had horrible constipation. I haven’t been able to go for weeks. Are you taking anything for it? The doctor asks. Well I force myself to sit on the toilet for a half hour in the morning and before I go to bed. No, I mean are you taking anything? “Oh yes. I usually take a magazine.
From November 2017 ICO Newsletter:
Where Did My Hearing Aid Go
An old man goes to see a hearing doctor. He tells the doctor his is having trouble hearing from his left ear. The doctor looks in his ear and tells him. “No wonder you cannot hear, you have a suppository stuck in your ear. The old man replied. Now I know where I put my hearing aid.
Unusual Funeral
A man coming out of a 7-11 shop noticed a very unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse behind which was a solitary Italian guy walking a Pitbull on a leash and behind him were 200 men walking in a single file. The guy could not stand his curiosity. He approached the Italian walking the dog and said. ‘Sir I have never seen a funeral like this’. Whose funeral is it? The Italian replied. “The first hearse is for my wife.” What happened to her? The man replied: “My dog attacked her and killed her. Who’s in the second hearse, he further inquired. My mother–in-law the Italian answered, she was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her. A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. “Sir, could I borrow that dog??” Get in line, he replied.
Origin of the Toilet Seat
Francis and Isabella were having a battle over the sexes. Italian men are stupid screamed Isabella.
Oh, yeah? Yelled her husband. I’ll have you know it was an Italian man who invented the toilet seat!
“And I have you know,” said his wife, it was an Italian woman who thought of putting a hole in it!”
In the Elevator
An old woman is riding in the elevator. A young beautiful woman gets into the elevator smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says, “Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce! About three floors later another young girl enters the elevator smelling like very expensive perfume. Channel #5, $150 an ounce she says. The old woman bends over and passes gas. “Broccoli-49 cents a pound”.
From October 2017 ICO Newsletter:
YOU KNOW YOU'RE ITALIAN WHEN...
You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.
You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.
Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso a nutritious breakfast.
Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just do me" tank top to the beach.
At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.
You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
If someone in your family grows beyond 5'6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
There were more than 28 people in your bridal party.
You have ever been in a fight defending Sly Stallone's thespian greatness.
You've called someone a "mamaluke."
And you understand "bada bing"
From September 2017 ICO Newsletter:
Blondes Jokes
A blonde and a Brunette are walking down the street when the brunette says, “Look, a dead bird!’ So the blonde looks up!
A married couple goes to a restaurant. A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it. The man asks, “Where’s the burger?” The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit. I was keeping it warm, “She replies”. The wife says, “Please cancel my hot dog order”.
A blonde calls the pharmacy to ask if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby, the clerk explains that many mothers figure out an infant’s weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale and then subtracting their own weight. “Oh, that won’t work”, replies the blonde. “I’m not the mother—I’m the aunt”.
Two blondes were at the park. One says “Look at that dead seagull over there”. The other looks up at the sky and says, “Where?”
Two blondes drive through the middle of Kansas surrounded entirely by wheat fields. One blonde riding shotgun says, “Look over there!” They see another blonde in scuba gear who is acting like she’s swimming through the wheat. The blonde driving says, “it’s girls like that who gives us blondes a bad name”. The other blonde says, “Yeah! If I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and tell her off”.
From June 2017 ICO Newsletter:
Did You Know??
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out”.
Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
From May 2017 ICO Newsletter:
Bar Jokes
A man comes into a bar and orders a martini. Before drinking it, he removes the olive and carefully put it into a jar. Then he orders another martini and does the same thing. After an hour, by which time he was full of martini and the jar full of olives, he staggers out. “Well”, remarked a customer, I never saw anything as strange as that. “What’s strange about it?” asked the barman.” His wife had sent him out for a jar of olives”.
A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer. “What are you doing at this early hour of the morning? “Asked the officer. “I am going to a lecture”, slurred the drunk. “And who is going to give the lecture at this hour?” “My wife” said the drunk.
Following a beer festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The Corona’s president said: I would like the world best beer, a Corona. Next the Budweiser’s president said: I like a Budweiser, the King of beers. The Coors president said: I want a bottle of Coors the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water. The three men were then joined by the president of Guinness who said, “Bartender give me a Coke”. The three other presidents said, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” The Guinness president replied: “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I”.
From April 2017 ICO Newsletter:
Getting to be that age
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write "An ambulance.”
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ' The' and ' IRS ' together it spells “Theirs”
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be good friends.
Philosophers Comments on wives:
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
I had bad luck with both wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
Two guys talking: My wife is an Angel. You are lucky, my wife is still alive.
From March 2017 ICO Newsletter:
The Power of Water
A woman goes to the doctor worried about her husband temper.
The doctor says “What is the problem”.
Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me. I have a cure for that the doctor says. When it seems that your husband is getting angry take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.
Two weeks later, the woman goes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She tells the doctor “That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it,
I swished with water. I swished and swished and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?
The doctor says “The water in itself does nothing. It’s keeping our mouth shut that does the trick.
The last Will
A man is on his death bed. His wife daughter and nurse and two sons are with him. He asks that two witnesses be present to record his last wishes. He begins to speak.
My son, Mike, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.
"My daughter Kathy, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"My son, Stevie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.
"Mary, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the Banks of the Rio Hondo River in Downey."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Bud slips away, the nurse says, "Your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all these properties." The wife replied, “The ass hole had a paper route.”
From February 2017 ICO Newsletter:
No Jokes for February Newsletter
From January 2017 ICO Newsletter:
Lawyer Story
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along
the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and six children with me!"
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
From December 2016 ICO Newsletter:
Eat Gunpowder
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.
She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Four Stops ago
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!”
The Mid-term
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A
For a Restful Sleep
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas!
Hooker Babies
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers.”
From November 2016 ICO Newsletter:
Change your Course!
A sea captain looking out into the pitch black night sees a light dead ahead. It’s on a collision course with the ship. He sends out a light signal: Change your course 10 degrees east.
The light signal back to the ship, change yours 10 degrees west. Angrily the captain sends a second signal stating. I am a navy captain change your course sir! I am a seaman second class. You change your course sir. The captain now furious I am a battleship! He signals. I am not changing course for anything. He received one final call stating. Well, I am a lighthouse, so it’s your call.
Mouthwash
A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks. Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies? Really? He said ‘Have you tried a good mouthwash?
Snake goes in to see the optometrist
A snake goes in to see the optometrist because his eyesight is failing. It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see. The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. A week later the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up. They are fine the snake answers. But now I am being treated for depression.
Depression, the doctor asks.
Yeah, my eyesight cleared up, but made me realize I’ve been dating a garden hose.
Quips of Wisdom
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
From October 2016 ICO Newsletter:
Nose Operation
A man goes to the dentist for his six month exam. The man tells the dentist.
“My teeth are great. I never use mouthwash, rarely brush my teeth, never floss, never use a breath mint, and eat onions and garlic with just about every meal. I also never have bad breath.” The dentist agrees his teeth are decent, but he will need an operation. “On what?” the man asks.
The dentist responds quickly, “Your nose”.
Three Older Ladies
Three older ladies are discussing the trial of getting older. One says, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember if I need to put it away or make a sandwich.”
The second lady chimes in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one responds, “Well, I am sure glad I don’t have that problem, knock on wood,” She raps her knuckles on the table, then says, “that must be the door, I’ll get it.”
A Middle Aged Man
A middle aged man goes to the doctor about his recent issues with memory loss.
“Doctor, I just can’t seem to remember much anymore.”
“Okay,” the doctor said sympathetically, “It might be an issue we can get a grip on. When exactly did you begin having this issue?”
The man looks at the doctor and replies, “What issue?”
From September 2016 ICO Newsletter:
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police cars a SWATT Team, a helicopter two fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Getting Older
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, ”I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.”
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging. I love to hear them say: You don’t look that old. This is so true.
Do Your Best
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
Words of wisdom
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
From June 2016 ICO Newsletter:
A little girl asks her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother answers, “Well, God made Adam and Eve and then they had kids. So all mankind was made.” Two days later the little girl asks her father the exact same question. The father answers. “Many years ago, there were monkeys from which the entire human race evolved.” The confused little girl returns to her mother and says, “Mom, you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said man developed from monkeys. Why do you have different stories?” The mother answers, Well, I was referring to my side of the family and your dad was talking about his side.”
A church pastor is invited to dinner at the house of a parishioner. The pastor sits at the table with the family. The mom requests her daughter, age six, say grace before the meal. She sits in silence. It’s okay, dear, the mother calms her. You can do it. Just repeat what you heard daddy say before breakfast this morning. The little girl holds her hand together bows her head and in a loud voice says, Christ, why did you invite the pastor over for dinner tonight?
A kid is late for school one day. The teacher asks why he is late. The boy says. I had to take the bull down to mate with the heifer.
Well, couldn’t your father have done that? The teacher asked.
Sure, the boy replies. But the bull would have done a better job.
A police officer finds a young couple messing around in their parked car. The officer shines his light into the window. The young man jumps out of the car and claims, honest officer, we weren’t doing anything. In that case the officer replies let me inside and you come here and hold the flashlight.
From May 2016 ICO Newsletter:
Three senior are sitting on a park bench complaining about their failing bodies. Every morning, I get up at 6 AM, the first man explains, I try to pee, but nothing but a trickle comes out. The second man adds, I get up at 6AM too, and it feel like I’ve got to move my bowels, but I sit down on the toilet and nothing happens.
The third man chimes in the conversation and tells his friends, I pee and move my bowels at exactly 7AM every morning. That’s not bad, the first man responds. Why are you complaining?
The third man admits, “The problem is I don’t usually wake up until 8AM.”
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year old father. While there he notices the nurse handing his father a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra pill. The man asks the nurse, why are you doing that? At his age, what will either do for him? The nurse explains “The hot chocolate will help him fall asleep faster.” All right, the man replies, “and the Viagra?” “That keeps him from rolling out of bed, said the nurse.”
An old man is bragging to his roommate at the nursing home about his new hearing aid. The man goes on and on about how great the hearing aid is and how well he can hear with it. “It also was very expensive,” the man says to his friend. “Well good for you,” his friend replies. “What kind is it?” It’s only 12:30,” the man answered.
A wife goes to the police with her next door neighbor to report that her husband is missing. The policeman asks for a description. She says, he is thirty five years old, six foot four, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an authentic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft spoken, and is good to the children.
The next door neighbor protests, “Your husband is five foot four, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to the children.”
The wife replies, “Yes, but who wants him back?”
Early in the morning, a wife turns over to find her husband wide awake in bed. Are you okay? She asks.
“I guess” he replies.
“I’m asking because you spent the entire night cursing me in your sleep.”
“Who said I was asleep?” The man replied.
From April 2016 ICO Newsletter:
LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
A man kills self before shooting wife and daughter
Something went wrong in Jet crash, expert say.
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over.
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant.
Miners refuse to work after death
War dims hopes for peace
If strike isn’t settled quickly, it may last awhile.
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Enfield (London) couple slain; police suspect homicide
Red tape holds up new bridges
Man struck by lightning: faces battery charges
New study of obesity looks for larger test group
Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft
Kids make nutritious snacks
Local High School dropouts cut in half
Hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors
Typhoon rips through cemetery; thousands dead.
A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friend wants to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in peace.” Understandably the Owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.
After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a Funeral taking place today and they have flowers with a note saying, Congratulations on your new location.”
A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed. He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.” “Joe?” his wife asks, “but I thought you hated Joe.” “I do,” the man answers.
After a preacher died and went to Heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. “I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a Sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.
From March 2016 ICO Newsletter:
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sargent Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, a combat veteran and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one frickin' ear."
The Hooker
An Illegal Immigrant picks up a hooker. "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks. "$100"she replies.” In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style? "No” she says. "I pay you $200 to do immigrant style." "No,” she says, not knowing what immigrant style is. "I pay you $300." "No,” she says. "I pay you $400 ". "No,” she says. So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style." She thinks, Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be? So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally they finish, Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was ok. So, what exactly is Immigrant Style?
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government." AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYER, IS EXACTLY WHAT THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE DOING TO US!
The Doctor's Prescription:
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. "You're going to die," she replied.
Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house... walked home and left it there all night.
You got to love George.
From February 2016 ICO Newsletter:
Make me Laugh
The prime minister of Italy goes to visit the Queen of England. The Queen warmly welcomes the prime minister at the airport. They get into a magnificent seventeen century carriage hitched to six horses. They continue toward Buckingham Palace waving to the crowd. Suddenly the right rear horse lets out a big fart. The smell is awful they both put handkerchiefs over their noses. The two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the accident. Because the smell lingers, the Queen feels she must say something. Mr. prime minister, please accept my regrets.” The prime minister replies, “Your Majesty, I completely understand. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses”.
From January 2016 ICO Newsletter:
Love is Blind
Ed and Nancy met on a cruise ship..... When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and. true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, ”You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
The Old Geezer
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?" Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: Aaagh!! “This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, --that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!! Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill) Dr. Young: "But this is only $10! Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
I would like to thank Terri Suppa and Steve Long for the above jokes. If you know of any good clean jokes, please send them to me and I will put them in the Newsletter.
From December 2015 ICO Newsletter:
Who’s He Going to Tell?
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day and decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church.
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, Who’s he going to tell?"
Ten Dollar Toothbrush!
A salesman is peddling his goods from door to door in a high-rise building. He knocks at a young man’s apartment and asks him, “would you like to buy a top of the line toothbrush? It’s only ten dollars.”
“Ten bucks for a toothbrush!” The man yells. “What moron would pay ten dollars for a toothbrush? You are out of your mind. All right then, how about a fresh-baked brownie for a dollar. The man says, okay, why not.
The man takes a bite and spits it out onto the floor. My god, it tastes like crap!
Well that’s because it is crap the salesman explains. So can I interest you in a toothbrush?
From November 2015 ICO Newsletter:
Want to Dance?
An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no,... I never did dance... never really wanted to.
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet. The old woman prospector -- not wanting to get her toe blown off --started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
"no m'am... But i've always wanted to.
From October 2015 ICO Newsletter:
Bill and Blanche
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year, and every year Bill would say, "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"
Blanche always replied, "I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "Blanche, I'm 75 years old, if I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"
To this, Blanche replied, " Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks. The pilot overheard the couple said, folks, I'll make you a deal. I will take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I will not charge you a penny. But if you say a word I will charge you fifty dollars. Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, by golly I did everything I could to get you to yell out but you didn't. I'm impressed. Bill replied, well to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks.
My Rolex!
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Bentley with his ....lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.
"My Rolex!"
From September 2015 ICO Newsletter:
Simple truths
As we grow older, and hence wiser, we slowly realize that wearing a $300 or $30.00 watch - - - they both tell the same time... Whether we carry a $300 or $30.00 wallet/handbag -- - - the amount of money inside is the same; Whether we drink a bottle of $30 or $3.00 wine - - - the hang over is the same; Whether the house we live in is 300 or 3000 sq. ft.- - - the loneliness is the same.
Undeniable Facts of Life:
Don't educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be Happy. So when they grow up they will know the value of things not the price.
You are loved when you are born. You will be loved when you die. In between, you have to manage!
If you just want to Walk Fast, Walk Alone! But if you want to Walk Far, Walk Together!
BRITISH HUMOUR! Free Yorkshire Terrier! 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! Free Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. Joining Nudist Colony! Must sell washer and dryer. Wedding dress for sale. Worn once by mistake. For sale by owner, complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent conditions. no longer needed, got married wife knows everything.
A football hooligan appears before a judge. The arresting officer states that he saw the accused throw something into the river next to the stadium. What exactly did the accused throw into the river? The judge asks. Stone sir, the officer replies. The judge say "well, that's hardly an offense, officer". It was in this case, sir, said the officer. "Stone was the name of the referee.
From June 2015 ICO Newsletter:
Ships
You know how American ships' names begin with "USS", which stands for "United States Service."
Then there are British ships, which names begin with "HMS" for "Her Majesty's Service."
So why do Italian ships' names start with "AMB"?
"Att-sa My Boat!
Since it is Father’s Day this month, here are some Father jokes:
Q: How do fathers exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Q: How do you scare a divorced dad?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice!
Q: Why don't some fathers have a mid-life crisis?
A: They're stuck in adolescence.
Mom: Why are you home so early?
Dad: My boss told me to go to hell.
Q: Why are Fathers like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are already taken!
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don’t know son, I’m still paying."
Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough.
Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.
Q: How do you know your dad is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
From May 2015 ICO Newsletter:
A Guy Sends A Text To His Next-Door Neighbor:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi".
From April 2015 ICO Newsletter:
No Jokes for the April Newsletter
From March 2015 ICO Newsletter:
Free to Go
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Three Contractors
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figureswith a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me." The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew And $1,000 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, "$27,000.
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? "The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence." "Done!" Replied the government official. And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.
From February 2015 ICO Newsletter:
Statistics for the year 1914
The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
Fuel for 1914 car was sold in drug stores only.
Only 14% of homes had bathtubs.
Only 8% of homes had telephones.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eifel Tower.
The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year.
A dentist made $2,500, a veterinarian between$1,500 and $4,000 and a mechanical engineer about $5,000.
More than 95% of all births took place at home.
90% of all doctors had no college education; instead they had attended so called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and the government as substandard.
Sugar cost 4 cents a pound
Eggs were 14 cents a dozen
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death were: Pneumonia and influenza, Tuberculosis, Diarrhea, Heart disease and Stroke.
The American Flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was neither mother’s day nor father's day.
Two out of 10 adults couldn't read or write and only 6% of all American had graduated from high school.
18% of households had at least one full time servant or domestic help.
There were only 230 reported murders in the entire USA.
I HAVE LEARNED....
THAT THE BEST CLASSROOM IS AT THE FEET OF AN ELDERLY PERSON.
WHEN YOU ARE IN LOVE IT SHOWS.
BEING KIND IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN BEING RIGHT.
WE SHOULD BE GLAD THAT GOD DOES NOT GIVES US EVERYTHING WE ASK FOR.
Traffic Stop
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Bad Parrot
An old man named Steve received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Steve tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. And he would repeat over and over, "Your golf game sucks."
Finally, Steve was fed up, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Steve quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Steve's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
Steve was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
From January 2015 ICO Newsletter:
A blond goes to the doctor with burns on both her ears and her right hand. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor. "I was ironing my clothes when I received a phone call. Instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear." What about the other ear and your hand?" the doctor asked. She replied, "I tried to call for an ambulance."
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling on each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his church pew. Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?" Yep, I sure do. "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope", said the man. Then Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" The man answered, "I've been married to your sister for 48 years."
An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket. The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I will do whatever you say." Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asks, "what's the matter? I've told you I am a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say, what more do you want?"
The engineer says, "look, I am an engineer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog, now that is cool.
Early in the morning, a wife turns over to find her husband wide awake in bed. "Are you okay?" the wife asks. "I guess," he replies. "I'm asking because you spent the entire night cursing me in your sleep." The man replies, "Who said I was asleep?"
From December 2014 ICO Newsletter:
No Jokes for the December Newsletter
From November 2014 ICO Newsletter:
This is dedicated to all who are seniors.
WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a
ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, .
..."Well, crap, that explains why no one was at church either.
Various laws.
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
From October 2014 ICO Newsletter:
Typical Italian Baby Boy
An Italian man is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 20 pounds. Nobody can believe that a baby can weigh 20 pounds. The Italian guy shrugs his shoulders and says " Dat'sa about average backa home in Italy...like I said, dat'sa my boy, a typical Italian Bambino". Congratulations showered him from all the people and many exclamations of "WOW". One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, Says you’re the father of that typical baby boy that weighed 20 pounds at birth. Everybody’s been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, "He's Fifteen pounds." The bartender is puzzle, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds the day he was born!"
The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says..."We had him circumcised!"
Senior Theater Seating
An old man lay sprawled across three seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed to occupy one seat." The old man didn't budge. The usher became more insistent. "Sir, if you don't get up I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again the old man just muttered and did nothing. The usher left and in a moment returned with the manager. Together they tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "all right buddy what's your name?" Fred, the old man moaned. "Where you from, Fred?" asked the police Officer. With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, He replied..."The balcony."
Swishing
A woman goes to the doctor worried about her husband temper. The doctor asks: "what's the problem? Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me. The doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down. Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh
and reborn. Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?
The doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. Its keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
From September 2014 ICO Newsletter:
5 Deadly Terms Used by Women:
FINE: This is a word that women use to end an argument when she knows she is right and you need to shut up.
NOTHING: Means something and you need to be worried.
GO AHEAD: This is a dare and not a permission. Do not do it!
WHATEVER: A woman way of saying screw you.
THAT"S OKAY: She is thinking long and hard on how and when you will pay for your mistake.
BONUS WORD: WOW! This is not a compliment. She is amazed that one person could be so stupid.
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really care anymore
...If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
... A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat
... A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so...Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really stopped here, I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It's not hard to meet expenses . . .they're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . ..I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
Senility
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'
Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
Why Italians cannot be Paramedics
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, 'I think Sal is dead!
What should I do?'
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
There is a silence. And then a gun shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line.....
'Okay...he's dead. Now what?
From June 2014 ICO Newsletter:
Pondering the problems of the world:
I realized that at my age I don't really care anymore.
..If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
7 It was a lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here. I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . .they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . ..
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
From May 2014 ICO Newsletter:
BIG PEOPLE WORDS
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them. She asked John what he had done over the weekend' I went to visit my Nana'. No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done' I took a ride on a choo-choo'.Use 'Big People' words!' You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done. 'I read a book' he replied. That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?' Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, 'Winnie the SHIT'
More Signs:
"Do not regret growing older.
It is a privilege denied to many."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully we will wait."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
From April 2014 ICO Newsletter:
Atsa My Boy
An Italian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Italian baby boy weighing 20 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 20 pounds, but the Italian guy just shrugs, "Dat'sa about average back a home. Like I said, atsa my boy, a typical Italian bambino" Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "He's a Fifteen pound."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds the day he was born!"
The Italian father takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised!"
Sophia’s Wedding Night
Sophia just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophia. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luigi took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophia ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Sophia", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luigi took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophia ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luigi took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luigi's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luigi took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophia saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luigi's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
SIGNS
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
however, if you don't, you will be delighted.
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
And the best one for last
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
From March 2014 ICO Newsletter:
New Confessional Box
An Irishman goes into a Cleveland church confessional after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
I'll show you how to get to heaven.
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to heaven.
The little boy replied with a chuckle. You're kidding me right?
You don’t even know your way to the Post Office.
From February 2014 ICO Newsletter:
Texting codes for seniors!
ATD - At The Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered By Medicare
CUATSC - See You At The Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
LMDO- Laughing My Denture Out
LOL - Living On Lipitor
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
TOT - Texting On Toilet
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In!
SUPER BOWL TICKET
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. "No," the man replied, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral.
From January 2014 ICO Newsletter:
Italian Funeral
Pasquale died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Angelina turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
"Ah well, Pasquale would be pleased," she said.
"You're right," replied Maria, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "So go on, how much did this really cost?'"
"All of it," said Angelina. "Forty thousand"
"Aw No!" Maria exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but $40,000?!!!"
Angelina answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whisky, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Maria computed quickly. "Mama Mia !!! For the love of God Angelina, $32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?”
Very Big...Diamond Ring.
Blond men Jokes
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
A blond man is in jail. A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. Just what are you doing he asks? Hanging myself. The rope should be around your neck said the guard. I tried that said the blond man but then I could not breathe.
From December 2013 ICO Newsletter:
First there was the apple...now it's the wine
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.” The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren't you having any?”
She replies, “Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police.”
First there was the apple...now it's the wine....will men will ever learn?
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
Yes I am. I married the wrong man.
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked, "Is it true Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, that happens in every country son.
From November 2013 ICO Newsletter:
Two old men:
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and... lo and behold - there sat Russ! Sam was very exited to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you? Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?' 'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go? 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her? 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court I pleaded 'guilty'. 'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
Blond Men Jokes: It had to happen.
A friend told a blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year. The blond man said "let's hope it is not on the 13th.
Two blond men find three grenades and decide to take them to the Police station. What if one explode before we get there? The other says "We will lie and say we only found two".
A woman phoned her blond neighbor friend and said: Close your window curtain the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday. The blond man replied " The joke on all of you because I was not even home yesterday.
A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I do not know what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine.
From October 2013 ICO Newsletter:
Bob's Bear Removal Service
A homeowner goes out to get the newspaper one morning and finds a bear on his roof. He calls Bob's Bear Removal Service. Bob says he'll be right over.
Bob pulls up with a beat-up old pickup with a large cage in the back and a ladder on top. He gets out of the pickup with a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean looking dog. The home owner asks him what he plans to do. Bob explains "I am going to use the ladder to climb up on the roof. Then I'm going to knock the Bear off the roof with the baseball bat. The dog is trained to bite the Bear in the crotch and not let go. This stuns the bear enough for me to climb down the ladder and drag the bear into the cage". The homeowner thinks about it, nods his head but asks "what's the shotgun for?" Bob hands the shotgun to the homeowner and says. "If the bear happens to knock me off the roof first, shoot the dog."
Words of Wisdom
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
From September 2013 ICO Newsletter:
Phil and Joe
Two 90-year-old men, Phil and Joe, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Phil was dying, Joe visited him every day.
One day Joe said, "Phil, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: “when you get to heaven, Joe, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."
Phil looked up at Joe from his deathbed and said, "Joe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
A few nights later, Joe was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Joe". "Who is it," asked Joe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Joe -- it's me, Phil" "You're not Phil. Phil just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Phil," insisted the voice. "Phil Where are you?" "In heaven," replied Phil. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," said Joe. "The good news," Phil said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is baseball in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we're all young again.
Better still, it's always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play ball all we want, and we never get tired." And we get to play with all the greats of the past.
"That's fantastic," said Joe "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
From June 2013 ICO Newsletter:
Got Shingles?
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in andasked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles. So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothesand wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where? 'Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them??'
Senility: Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'
Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
When the husband finally died, his wife put the death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
From May 2013 ICO Newsletter:
Greek and an Italian
A Greek and an Italian were sitting down at a bar. They started debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek said, "We have the parthenon"
The Italian said, "We have the coloseum"
The Greek said, "We had great mathematicians"
The Italian said " We had the Roman Empire"
and they went on and on and on. Then the Greek said "We invented sex".
The Italian said, "that is true, but it was the Italians who perfected it and introduced it to women".
Driving in Heaven
Three guys die and go to heaven. At the pearly gate St Peter asks the first guy, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" None. I had the perfect marriage"
"Great" said St Peter. You get to cruise around Heaven in a Mercedes.
And you how many times did you cheat on your wife? Only twice I think, said the second guy.
Okay said St Peter. You get to cruise around Heaven in a Cadillac. Turning to the third guy St Peter asked: How many times did you cheat on your wife?
12, maybe 13 times. Okay said St Peter you get a rusty Ford to cruise around Heaven.
Later that day the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying his heart out and asks him what's wrong? I just saw my wife. So????
She was riding a skateboard.
From April 2013 ICO Newsletter:
Light goes off and on
A 62-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Glenn, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Glenn replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Glenn's wife. "Mrs. McCall," he says, "Glenn is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?"
"Oh good grief!" Mrs. Mc Call exclaims, "He's peeing in the fridge again!"
Southern Medical Dictionary
Artery...The study of art
Barium... What to do when
Caesarean Section... A neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan... Searching for Kitty
Dilate...To live long
Enema...Enemy
Morbid...A higher offer
Nitrates...Cheaper tan day rates
Medical Staff...A doctor's cane
Rectum...Near killed him
Terminal illness...Getting sick at the airport
Tumor...One plus one more
Cauterize...Made eye contact with her
Coma...A punctuation mark
And just one more...
Urine...Opposite of you're out.
From March 2013 ICO Newsletter:
What a Bus Ride!
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, she attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. At about this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
The Young Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically, all in the name of humor!"
From February 2013 ICO Newsletter:
Lawyer Logic
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston Texas.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says, "License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please".
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?" "The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!" the Deputy repeats.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?
Christmas Shopping
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I Remember that Jewelry Store.
"He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
Kinda touches your heart, doesn't it?
From January 2013 ICO Newsletter:
Her First Football Game
Charlie took his girl friend to her first football game. They had really good seats, right on the 50 yard line. At the end of the game, Charlie asked her if she liked it. "Yeah, it was great," she said. "I mean, with all the tight pants and stuff. I just don't get why all the fuss about a quarter!" Charlie, confused, asked what she meant.
"At the beginning of the game," she explained, "I saw the referee flip a quarter. Then during the rest of the game, all they said was: Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! Hello! It's only 25 cents!"
Gotta Pee
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic with the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!. "That's nothing," said the other husband. "Mine came back with a card stuck to her rear end that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
From December 2012 ICO Newsletter:
The Four Great Religious Truths:
Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
Bada Boom
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuaded her to marry you? "I lied about my age" Bob replies. "What did you tell her; you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
The Prescription
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked,
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You cannot have Cyanide"!
The lady reached out into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You did not tell me you had a prescription".
From November 2012 ICO Newsletter:
Sister Barbara
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair”. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.
"Don't Despair” paid 80-to-1
The South - Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied "Everythang but my earring".
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
From October 2012 ICO Newsletter:
Growing older….
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.. But,by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
Senility:
I noticed an old woman sitting on a park bench crying her heart out.
I stopped and asked what was wrong. She said “I have a 22 year old husband at home who makes love to me every morning, makes me coffee, serves me breakfast of pancakes, sausages, and fresh fruits. At noon he makes me soup and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half of the afternoon. For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal, with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2 AM.”
So why are you crying, I said? And she said
“I can’t remember where I live.”
From September 2012 ICO Newsletter:
Whether You're Here or Not
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?
His new bride said: No that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven O’clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
Bitter Quarrel
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold as Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'
Second Opinion
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
From June 2012 ICO Newsletter:
A Fine Explanation
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
She was very upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened. Fine, go ahead she sobbed but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
Life's Thoughts
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
From May 2012 ICO Newsletter:
Are you Kathlick??
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school.
So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there. One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
Sure “said the janitor”.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at the time. Then he said, “You are now baptized “!
When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick,
because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis,
because they dunk all of you in the water." "We're not Methdiss,
because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'
“I think it means we’re
Pisskopailians”!
How To Start A Fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift....
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
From April 2012 ICO Newsletter:
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then, eventually, try to get to where you can lift a 100- lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Why Men Are Never Depressed
--Your last name stays put.
--The garage is all yours.
--You only have to shave your face and neck.
--You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
--The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
--Wedding plans take care of themselves.
--Chocolate is just another snack...
-- You can be President.
--You can never be pregnant.
--You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
--Car mechanics tell you the truth.
--Same work, more pay.
--Wrinkles add character.
--Everything on your face stays its original color.
From March 2012 ICO Newsletter:
Scotch with two drops of water
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would
like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says,
'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies ' Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.
OLD IS WHEN….
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'pick one; I can't do both!'
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
From February 2012 ICO Newsletter:
Seniors
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don’t know he said. She is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.
An Elderly Couple
Had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love you know the one that’s
Red and has thorns.
Do you mean a rose?
Yes, that’s the one, replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night.
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
From January 2012 ICO Newsletter:
Actual Australian Court Docket 12659
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Why Italians Pass Their Guns Down To The Family
An old Italian man is dying.
He calls his grandson to his bedside... "Mike, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna cama home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man…Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, “Time’s Up?”
From December 2011 ICO Newsletter:
Witty Irish Priest.
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station...... The conversation went like this: ''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'' ''And the best of the day teyerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
“Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'' There was dead silence on the line for a long moment… Father O'Malley then replied: ''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.
Little Larry
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
After a few minutes, Larry asked,
“Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, “because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy mom…”
From November 2011 ICO Newsletter:
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square, Rome.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace.”
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says”Your Eminence.”
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him “Your Holiness.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence.
The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
Slim,
Tall,
38D breasts,
24" waist, and
34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say,”My God.”
You know you are Italian when…
A portrait of the Pope and Frank Sinatra hang in the dining room.
Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.
Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony?
On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said
(To New York )TO NY
If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living room, bedroom, front porch and backyard.
Turkey is served on Thanksgiving AFTER the manicotti, gnocchi, lasagna, and minestrone
Meatballs are made with pork, veal and beef. Italians do not care about cholesterol.
From October 2011 ICO Newsletter:
Sex at 100
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply Ding in, Dong out.
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!
Dead Jackass
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission church.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station......
The conversation went like this: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. “How might I help you?''
''And the best of the day teyerself . This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...
Father O'Malley then replied: ''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”
From September 2011 ICO Newsletter:
Trip to the Ballpark
“A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started…….the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts” And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem …he yelled, “Down Nuts”. And they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts”. They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Boo Nuts!!!” and they all started booing and cat calling. Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, “What in the world
Happened”? The assistant replied, “Well everything was going well until a vendor passed by and yelled “PEANUTS”.
The current down trend in the USA economy has hit everybody really hard.
Here are some of the trends we noticed.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries.
CEO’s are now playing miniature Golf
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a fundamentalist Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked ”Insufficient funds” you call them and ask if they mean you or them.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her.
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called the Suicide Hotline and got a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
From June 2011 ICO Newsletter:
The Jewish man said, 'Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her
body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she
screamed for five full minutes at the end!'
The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her
body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for
10 minutes!'
The Italian man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed
her body all over with olive oil. We made love, And she
screamed for over six hours!'
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”
The Italian said.............I wiped my hands on the bedspread.
Blond Texan
Amy a blond Texan city girl marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy. “The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two by four just above the cows stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the Front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along long rows of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one…right here.”
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blond, the man asks, “How did you know this is the cow to be bred?”
“That’s simple. By the nail over its stall”, Amy explains.
Then the man asks, “what’s the nail for?”
“I guess it’s to hang your pants on”, she tells him as she walks away.
From May 2011 ICO Newsletter:
Worm in church
A Minister thought that a visual demonstration would add emphasis on his Sunday sermon.
He placed 4 worms in four separate jars.
The first worm was placed in a jar containing alcohol.
The second worm in a jar containing smoke.
The 3rd worm in a jar containing chocolate syrup.
The 4th in a jar containing clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm -- Dead
The second – Dead
The 3rd – Dead
The 4th – Alive
So the Minister asked the congregation what they had learned from the demonstration.
Maxine sitting at the back quickly raised her hand and said, “as long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you do not have worms”. That pretty much ended the service.
Cannibal Menu
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu.... +Tourist: $8.00 +Broiled Missionary: $10.00+ Fried Explorer: $ 12.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of CRAP, it Takes all day to clean them out.
Cheap Parking in NYC
An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for
two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the
bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for
the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was
parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having
to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $25000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5000 Loan.
Then the employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground
garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5000?
Where else could I park a Ferrari for 2 weeks in N.Y City for 23.07 and find it when I got back?
Ah, the Italians... Bada Bing!
From April 2011 ICO Newsletter:
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Italian countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think 500 Euro is enough to donate to them for the service?
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
From March 2011 ICO Newsletter:
Church ladies with typewriters are back.
These notices with all the Bloopers actually appeared in church bulletins or announced in church services.
The fasting & prayer conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: “Jesus walks on water”. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don’t let worry kill you off. Let the church help.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the person you want remembered.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the .S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eight graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.
From February 2011 ICO Newsletter:
MEN BEWARE!
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE:
-Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
-Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
-Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see above).
-Go Ahead: Don’t do it! This is a dare, not permission.
-Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you about nothing. (Refer to #3 above for the meaning of “Nothing”).
_That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
_Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you are welcome. (This is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” which is PURE sarcasm, she’s not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome”, that will bring a “Whatever”.
_Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F-YOU!
_Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” for the woman response refer to #3
From January 2011 ICO Newsletter:
A Wedding Made in Heaven
A couple is killed the night before their wedding. They go to heaven, and they ask St Peter if they can get married. St Peter says, “Okay. I’ll come and get you when we can do that.”
Ten years later, he tells the couple, “Okay we can have your wedding now.”
So they get married, and there’s a minister and flowers and nice music and all, but pretty soon they realize they made a mistake. They go to St Peter and say they want a divorce. St Peter says, “Okay. I’ll come and tell you when we can do that.”
The couple asks how long it will take. St Peter says, “It took ten years to get a preacher up here. Who knows how long it’s going to be before a lawyer shows up!”
Exciting Homework Assignment
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they did find, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. “It’s a period,” said the little boy. “Well, I can see that,” she said, “but what is so exiting about a period?” “Damned if I know,” said the little boy, “but this morning my sister was missing one, and daddy had a heart attack, mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”
The Repairman
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the following day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. “Oh by the way don’t worry about the bulldog. He won’t bother you but, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot! Repeat, do not talk to my parrot.
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the Repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!” to which the parrot replied, “GET HIM SPIKE.!”
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