MOTTO:

• War brings death; peace brings hope.

ADVICE:

• And yes, you should tell me about it; I can at least look at it with interest but not family-caused possession.
• Isn't it nice to have someone tell you what to do having only a vague idea about your life?
• I think it is very good that you are aware of not being able to relax any more, that is the first step in the right direction. And you have to learn how to relax. There are various things you can do; one of the simplest is to set a time each day when you will be going for a long walk, sit in garden and enjoy Mother Nature at this time of year, do some stretching exercises, and no doubt many others with which I am not familiar. I think this notion that we’re wasting our time; I have been trapped in it too! My system is: I talk to myself and repeat to myself why it is not a major sin or drama if I spent sometime doing nothing; go outside, pick a nice spot, and convince yourself that you are doing the right thing. I am a great believer in talking to oneself! See if it will work for you.
• Probably with all the many occupation you have a perfect right to feel tired mainly because you are tired. You should set aside as least l hour a day for rest and calm. I seem very good to give other people this advice but as for me, I am very sloppy about it.
• So, pay attention to yourself, it is not a sin!
• Don't give in, because you can do it and you and I know that you deserve better. Stray strong and a bit of aggression is not such a bad idea.
• Remain an individual, don't let anyone else dictate your life or worse yet take it over and do it for you.
• Keep laughing at hardships and they will change.
• I hope that in your free time you sit around and dream of a world to your liking. How else are you going to get there?
• Last advice: don't take worry in advance, the wrong approach. Wait until you have something to worry about first, then worry.
• And, last but not least: you have to learn to arrange your life so you pursue your work, no matter how hard it is, but never forget to make a joke or to laugh and your whole outlook changes.
• Keep well and in spite of it all, enjoy life.

WISDOM:

• I guess a lot of us have turned anti-religious after getting too closely acquainted with "religious" ideas and ceremonies.
• I think this world is constructed wrong: the countries should be smaller which would reduce the time it takes to go see ones friends and at the same time reducing all the prices.
• Well to begin with, we are all egoistic to a certain point, if we were not we would never achieve anything; and for friendship to last forever is very rare; everybody changes and actually the best relationship last if they do not become one, sharing completely totally everything. I only kept so many of my friends, because the war came and tore us apart and when we finally came together again it was like a new beginning, good for some, horrid for others, but it was a new beginning.
• It seems to be true, but fathers and sons, mothers and daughters are at odds almost in all families. I remember a friend of my parents who came to visit quite often who would say: "ah, geboren zu sein ohne Familie!" It must have impressed me because it must be something like 65 to 70 years when this friend used to be coming to us. And according to my mother, my father informed everyone: I will talk to them as soon as they can discuss political economics! My poor father, he did not know what was in store for us!
• I really think the will to do something is half the way to success. And when you find that there are a lot of things one can keep on doing you tend to do them, or more.
• And I think the computer age only helps in the creation of individual islands.
• Yes, everything in our society had changed enormously and I think for my generation there are things which are very hard to accept.
• I am convinced it has to do with messing around where we should leave things alone! And if the ice keeps on melting a lot of species are going to disappear (man?) and we will start swimming to work? All I know is that we made a mess of a perfectly beautiful world!

HERSELF:

• your grandma full of good intentions / your ever optimistic grand'ma / your recently acquired grand'mo
• I personally have always wanted to be independent,
• But basically I think your confidence in your self, your determination to survive and not ever losing your sense of humor made me what and how I am.
• You know, I am one of those people who think that if you really, really want to do something, it will come about.
• I think I am one of those people who never quite get to the point of looking for something to do, there is always still something to be done.
• I had never really been the type who worries about every little thing,
• Of course, a love of life is important: I have always loved talking to people, doing things with them and for them, listening to music, and so on.
• That was the one thing I refused to do: to iron my husband's shirts! So, I went and got shirts in the material which never needs ironing and he thought that was fine! It was not often that we agreed on anything! mostly we just lived separate lives together! I have noticed since then that couples who live together but are not married get along much better! like my friends who live in Paris: they have been together for over 15 years and act like honeymooners! maybe that is because they don't have to ask for permission to do something! nor do they agree to something because the other partner wants it! The last time I cooked for my husband was when I was going to take the children and go see friends in Seattle: I precooked enough dinners for 2 weeks (we had a big freezer then) and when I got back they were all as I had left them in the freezer! That was that for cooking, except when I had company! It worked very well, we did not even have to talk during dinner! Did I already tell you that I think marriage should be a contract deal, that you sign up for 10 years right after you get married, but reduce that to 5, 3, and 1 as the marriage ages! All my friends believe in it, though few of them do it.
• My husband, who was quite oblivious to human frailties, was in London once and when he came home he said "they talked about the weather the whole time"; the only topic which he considered even worse was discussing where you could buy what and how much you should pay for it. The weather I discuss when it has extremes, what so and so wore at such and such occasion I find beneath my dignity. However, this is not always the case: yesterday I was hosting a group of women (mostly younger than myself) and neither the weather nor shopping was mentioned once.
• Only when I was really ill did I ask for help, and I was! I had my heart surgery when I was quite young (in my early 40's) and the prediction was that I would either need another surgery in 10 years or would be dead. So, I thought, what the hell if I only have a short life, let me make the most of it. And because I was surrounded by younger people all of whom were into arts and crafts, I was never faced with older people complaining how they could not do this or that, so I became a member of the younger group rather successfully, and had no trouble keeping up with them.
• At the moment have real traumatic session when in my dream or half dream I am trying to figure out why I am not where I thought I was, and it is always a very involved search and hardly ever do I solve the problem in my head. But I figure if I don't give in, evtl. I'll get somewhere.
• It is a tremendous experience when "you" ceased to exist and that other person takes over, protecting you by being the other you. So, we learned to look, but not to see; the realization was veiled. Once, a panic took over: I could not remember any of my friends or family, where they were and why are they ignoring me? I could not think: did I betray my friends and family for my benefit? Did I do something ghastly which I could not even name? After a while, I forced myself to start writing down names as they came into my had; and before long, I had a list of my friends facing me, and slowly but surely, reality took over. It is quite possible that all of this only took a few seconds, but to me it seemed like a life-time. It was at this point that I started communicating with my friends which seemed to have given me back my sanity!
• And the reason I survived Transnistrien was also because I did not want to give in. I simply decided I won't be killed because I am jewish and you could hardly believe the schemes I thought up to help survival.
• Does that explain anything to you? One other thing: when I was faced by soldiers with guns ready to kill me, I took refuge in starting to make jokes with them and acting as if I did not really care. I was rather scared stiff, but somehow my laughter made them laugh too and they forgot about killing me.
• in my family this kind of sense of humor was almost hereditary: a lot of good will but also a truly sarcastic, biting sense of humor;
• yiddish which I have never spoken really well and don't really at all any more
• I will say good night and go to bed where I always feel protected

OLD AGE:

• I don't think there is one rule about aging; it is a very personal approach.
• Got to treat this body with care, well not such a bad idea.
• What am I missing, why can't I get myself together and give myself a person to person talk like I always did. Is aging suddenly taking over and there is nothing else? Heaven forbid! And why am I telling you all about this? You have quite a load of your own, you don't need my contribution on the subject.
• So you see, age does not free you from problems, just finds new ones for you to worry about.
• I also quite honestly don't feel like living forever: I am now just about 86, surely one should not exaggerate old age?

LITERATURE:

• That is an interesting question: why do we read literature? Perhaps to indulge in a life which is more exciting or more depressing? In the days when novels appeared in a serial form in the newspapers, I remember my grandmother eagerly awaited the paper and then enjoyed it for the rest of the day.
• My preferance are novels with a true historic background and maybe some events, but not necessarily true to the last word. I also liked to read the same novel in two different languages: teaches you about the novel and about languages.
• An oh, yes, what am I reading, not very much because of fatigue, but just finished Hilsenrath's "Die Nacht" which is an excellent book but shakes one up even if one thought one had seen all that already!
• I think you are a good writer and that is very important if you write a book. And as I mentioned already, you are a good, perhaps even very good, writer maturing nicely and I am looking forward to your novel. I certainly think you should keep your writing up, I like the way you write.

CZERNOWITZ:

• When I think of Cz., it is always bathed by sunshine. I fully realized we had snow and ice and all the harsh aspects of a winter in central Europe. None the less, the feeling of warmth connected with the city prevails. Cz. was our "Heimat" which is more than our birthplace it is the place which gave us the strength to be us, it was like a co-operative of support which everybody needs, particularly so in the growing years. But it was also, encouragement to develop as individuals, to read, to write, to make music, and recite poetry. We took from life with both hands, but gave back whenever and wherever necessary. But it also told us how to survive the unsurvivable: we erased our "ich" and dealt strictly with that other person which was in this camp known as Moghilev.
• I feel that what happened has put a sharp end to my hopes, dreams, and all that Cz. had promised me. So, I am sore all over and though the trip has been difficult for me, it has made me accept the reality; and to the reality I am pretty much a stranger. I may have told you, when I went through Cz. and then Berhomet I honestly felt that someone had stolen my youth and my vision of future from me. But, I think it was a good idea to go; It was difficult, but I have accepted it and miss Cz. in a very romantic way; and, as one gets older, this is pretty common and if it hadn't been Cz. I would be missing something else! Face reality is now my motto. although I am still romantic at times.
• I think one's acceptance of Cz. as it is today sort of depends what happened to oneself personally just before the catastrophy came along; a lot of people were smart enough, or lucky enough, to leave before leaving became impossible. They are the ones who become addicted Cz. tourists.
• So, like they said in Cz: nimm und versteh! You ever heard this expression? I am just accepting the "nimm" still have to get used to the "versteh".
• I will pass the time "bloedeln". Have you ever come across this word, which I have a feeling was a Cz-er expression? What it means, is to talk nonsense mainly to pass the time.

TRANSNISTRIEN:

• Of course, there was more to Moghilev than what is mentioned so far. The typhus epidemics, for one thing, were quite deadly. I remember that first winter watching as the horse-drawn cart stopped and picked up the dead, who were heaved onto the cart and taken off into mass graves. I, my father told me later, and a very bad case, I was semi-comatose for almost 10 days. I remember asking for a very popular drink in those days called "crakherl"(which was sort of like a soda) and nobody responded. I could not understand this, since I could see the case full of them right under my bed! Evtl. I came out of the comatose state, and it was a bit before I could understand what had happened. Nobody answered my query of where my mother was and it took a while to figure it all out. Well, back to the knittery I went.
• And there were regular searches by the "militia" (I think they were Ukrainians) searching every so-called house for people who had escaped from other camps and were hiding in Moghilev. The idea was that if they did not find any, they would simply arrest some to replace the escapees. My father was caught once; he was put in this column with a lot of others and I was frantic. I had the khutzpe to knock on the door of the house where the commander lived and his wife answered the door and panicked. Her sister was my classmate, she of course knew me; she was panic stricken and so was I; I quickly mumbled about my father and left. Two hours later my father was home. Whether it was her influence or it just happened, I have been eternally grateful.
• As I mentioned previously there was this market, but one had to have money, and I don't think my father had any noticeable amount, so how this functioned I don't know.
• Because of our weakened state any illness could be fateful, even a simple cold. I remember at one point being totally upset, just wishing for a fast way out. It was during (I think the 2nd), that I decided I had had enough; so one night I decided to sneak out, barefoot, wearing whatever I used as night gown, and I sat myself down in the snow and waited. I waited and waited and waited and then I heard someone coming out of the house, so I immediately made believe like I just came out. The interesting thing is, that I did not even get the sniffles.
• As I mentioned, Moghilev is on the Dniester, and we were allowed to use the river to wash our clothes and/or ourselves. And many was the time when a friend of mine and I discussed the possibility of simply swimming across; I am sure we could have done that, but opposite Moghilev sat another small town waiting for us -- and of course getting out dripping wet many miles from a spot we could hide and hope to get to some bigger town, was pretty impossible. Anyway, we did not have that kind of courage or stamina, no food, no clothes, no money, a pretty gruesome future, so we returned "home". Nonetheless, it was this kind of attitude or dreaming which helped us survive. And we must all have had some liver problem, most of us had suddenly turned yellow. What I think was a great help in our attempt to survive was exactly not to give in to despair, hopelessness. I remember one day of running into another "slave" from Radautz, and she said "I don't know about you, but I know I am not ever surviving, to get home;" and true enough within a month she had died. Ever since then I have thought having this kind of outlook is almost as important as another piece of bread.
• But that other piece of bread became more and more desirable, so small larceny became popular. Not from the army, from the residents all around us. And once my father, whom I would have never considered able to do that, stole a chicken from the next yard, twisted its neck and came running into our house. And we had to very carefully collect every feather as it got plucked, or else it would have lead straight to us. It took a combination of sheer luck and will power to walk through the ghetto and looking as if we knew where we were going.
• But the last piece of khutzpa belongs to my father: when we finally got back to Cz. needless to say the Russians were all over incl. our apt. There was not much chance in just saying: sorry folks, this is ours, would you mind leaving? No, no one would say that. But my father, never having had a chance to be an active lawyer, decided to sue the Russian govt. not for the apartment, but for the grand piano which was ours and still there. All of our friends were seriously concerned about his mind, as were we all; but, he actually won the suit: we never got to stay in the apt. again or to play this piano, but my father got some money for it. How much he was the only one to know and frankly no one cared. You will all have noticed that having been rather a spoiled brat, I wind up writing about it as though it was the humor of it all that saw us through. And I am not so sure that it did not.
• Our life changed drastically with the coming of the Goga administration (in Rumania) and after 1938. Until then there was little overt or aggressive antisemitism. But after that everything changed: the jews lost their rights as citizens and access to many jobs and activities were off limits to them. The germans, with the rumanian army in tow, re-occupied the territory where Cz. was located, and stringent regulations went into effect immediately: removal of the Jews into the ghetto which was located in what had been the "jewish part" of Cz. Within a few hours, all the jews living in the city had to remove themselves into the ghetto. The conditions within the ghetto were horrendous: overcrowding, no sanitary facilities, not enough water, not enough of anything; it had rained and the streets in that part of town being unpaved had turned into muck, the conditions could hardly have been worse. At the same time the mayor of Cz. was handing out permits to certain jews to return to their homes they being needed for the maintenance of a functional city. My father was one of those, so we returned to our apartment where everything seemed in order. This did not last very long: after about 3 weeks, my father came home one noon with 2 policemen in tow: my father had been recognized as the father of a "well known communist" (my brother had been arrested under that assumption, although released very shortly). We were told to pack the minimum, only what we could carry, so we dressed in layers in as many clothes as we could fit, and it was in effect all we still had when we arrived in Moghilev.
• Once in Moghilev, we were formed into a long column which proceeded mostly to extinction. As the column proceeded through Moghilev, my father suddenly grabbed my mother's hand who grabbed mine and somehow we got pulled out of the column and into a small house. We owed this gesture, which probably saved our lives, to a friend of my father's who took this immediate action when he saw him. While we were hidden in this small house, somebody took care of getting us the necessary permit to stay in Moghilev.
• When the germans realized that the epidemic had crossed the boundary lines, they opened and furnished a hospital, but that was too late for us. The one major risk remained the germans coming into Moghilev and demanding x-number of jew for some labor or another. Among these hardly any returned. After disease (which the Germans had to control so as avoid spread to their army) of course the most serious problem was food. We got the ration of soy beans once a week and treated them as if they were popcorn. They did not stay down very long. At work, we received ration of soy beans or dried peas, the first never cooked to soft because we did no have enough fuel, the second were full of little flies which would rise to he surface. "Don't get rid of them", my father "it is the only protein we are going to get!" good advice!
• The native population soon found out that the germans would come to the market and took whatever they wanted and never paid for it, so they exchanged food for goods with the jews. I guess some people had managed to hide money or other such things in their clothing, if my father had, he never mentioned it to me, but we did manage some spare food. We were still 'jews in the ghetto" and were often under the observation of the "gend'armery". Each one of us took on whatever work he could: I worked in the knittery. knitting socks for the soldiers --we were very slow knitters! If a jew was caught at an offense, i.e. picking up bits and pieces of wood for our stove, if a german saw him he got shot, if a rumanian soldier saw him he gotten beaten to death!
• And of course, eventually the day came when the soviet army was returning in full force and lo and behold we were "liberated" by them, and evtl. allowed to return to Cz. for which we had to wheel and deal to get some "samogonka" (cheap vodka) necessary to buy our ticket home. But we managed to get on a train and duly arrived in Cz. Where of course we were declared soviet citizens, which we did not have in mind. I immediately registered as a student at the University, since students were a protected class in those days. It worked for a while, but after a while the NKVD tried to hire us to spy for them, so leaving became urgent. The group I was with, managed to buy an NKVD man who got an exit visa and tickets for us, all above board, we were polish citizens being exchanged for Russian prisoner in Poland.