Both Politicians and Diapers And the haircuts

       One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door                                                           Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.                                                                  Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Both politicians and diapers need to be change often and for the same reason!

Arnold Swartzeneger and Sylvester Stallone are making a

movie about the lives of the great composers. 

Stallone says "I want to be Mozart." 

Swartzeneger says: "In that case... I'll be Bach." 

             The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman…For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!’ The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’ The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife’ The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’ Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.She took the gun and went into the room.Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.This gun was loaded with blanks’ she said. ‘I had to beat him to death with the chair.’

                                           Playing Golf

    A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

                                       The Pinguins

      A man is driving down the road with a bunch of penguins in the back seat of his car. The police stop him and tell the man that he cannot drive down the road with that many penguins in his car, it’s illegal. They inform him that he needs to take the penguins to the zoo right away. He is pulled over again the following day by the same police officer when the officer notices all the penguins still in the man’s car. He says to the man, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!” to which the man replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”

                                      Three-Kick Rule  

         A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The attorney responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it. The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here. The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U. S. ; and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Iowa. We settle small disagreements like this with the Iowa Three-Kick Rule. The lawyer asked, "What is this three-kick Rule? The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up. The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn. The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck 

                                                           Angry Neighbor 

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his neighbor storms out of the house straight to the mailbox, opens it, slams it shut and storms back in. A little later the neighbor storms out and does the exact same thing again, before storming back in even more red-faced. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, out the neighbor comes again, marches to the mail box, opens it before slamming it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by the neighbor's actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?" "There certainly is!" the neighbor replied. "My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" 

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded. 

"Would you please pass it to me," 

The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. 

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court." 

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman. 

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, 

"So, what do you think about that?" 

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, 

"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

Repeat Offender

A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. "Haven't I seen you in here many times already? And didn't I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?" 

"Yes, Your Honor," the defendant replied. "That's exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in anyway!"

Lawyer's Friend

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?” 

The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.” The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”

                                             Lottery

              A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' 

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

                                    Politician's Sandwich 

           On the Listening Tour, a prominent politician was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town he was visiting had named a sandwich after him. 

He was somewhat less pleased after he found out what was in it. 

"Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.

                                     Homework Help

           Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?" 

The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right." 

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"

                                             Drunk

     Husband came home drunk. To avoid wife's scolding, he took a laptop & started working.

Wife: Did u drink?

Husband : no!

Wife:  Idiot!!! then why are you typing on a suitcase?!!!

                                    Speeding Blonde

       A Police car pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing at the car he was astonished to see that the blond behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolled down his window and shouted "Pullover!". The blonde rolled down her window and yelled back "No, it's a scarf!".