If your marriage is struggling and has been for a while and nothing you do seems to improve your relationship, you may need to consider seeing a marriage and family therapist. Too often couples is these situations think they can solve it themselves, and sometimes they can. But if they can’t seem to, apparently what they are doing just simply isn’t working.
In these cases it’s difficult for couples to see what’s really causing the friction. When there’s trouble in a marriage it’s always easy to put the blame on the other person. Certainly, some of the cause belongs there, but rarely is it a one-way street. Both can be contributing without each realizing his or her part in the problem. Marriage and family therapists don’t take sides. They are on the side of the marriage. All their efforts will be to help you achieve happiness in your marriage.
Six things that stand in the way of couples seeing a marriage therapist:
1. They can’t afford it. If a couple doesn’t have the funds and their bishop thinks therapy may help them he may be able to arrange for the Church to assist in paying for a certain number of visits. He needs to be in on who the therapist will be and have your permission to discuss your case with the therapist, if needed. Couples can also look at their current budget and see what they can do without to pay for therapy sessions, or at least a portion of what the Church may be willing to pay.
2. They don’t want anyone else to know they have a problem. First off, couples need to get rid of that prideful attitude and realize that their marriage is worth whatever it takes to save it. Understand that there is no shame in seeing a therapist. There is, however, shame in not doing everything they can to save their marriage. Bottom line: it’s wise to see a therapist when your marriage is in trouble.
3.They think they can solve their problems themselves. Sometimes couples just keep doing what doesn’t work with the notion that at some point it will work. They don’t think they need outside help. And the misery continues, or ends in divorce, which often then introduces an even harsher misery. Recognizing that you need help is the first step in finding solutions.
4. They are embarrassed to tell a therapist what their problems are. Let us assure you that a therapist is the last person who is going to be shocked by what you share in his or her office. They have heard challenges and heartaches of many others who came seeking help. Because of these experiences and discovering what worked for these clients they are qualified to give you the help you need. Remember, they have spent years being educated on the best ways to help save marriages.
5. They are afraid the therapist will tell others. Whatever you share with a therapist is confidential. By law they cannot divulge your information to others without your permission.
6. They think their problems aren’t serious enough to require a therapist. Too many couples wait until they are on the brink of divorce before seeking help. If only they would go sooner they have a greater chance of saving and enriching their marriage. Don’t wait until it’s too late. In some cases, when help is sought early on, it may only require one or two sessions.
Let’s say you have reached the decision that you and your spouse need professional help with your marriage. Yours was meant to be an eternal marriage and you don’t want it to end. Here are a couple of suggestions that may help you in seeking a marriage therapist.
1. Visit with your bishop. Let him know what’s happening. It’s best to do this together, but if your spouse won’t go, then you go. Pour your heart out to him. Let him know the truth of what is going on. He can only help when he has all the information, not just a piece of it. Some bishops have insights into what needs to be done while others may be less experienced. Still, as they seek the Spirit to guide them in your behalf, they can offer inspired help. When situations are beyond their capacity they can refer couples to a trusted LDS therapist. Your Relief Society president may also be able to recommend a good therapist.
2. If you know you need professional counseling, you don’t need to wait for a bishop to refer you. You can ask his advice on whom he might recommend, if you want to, but you can certainly go forward on your own when you know you need this kind of help. However, we encourage you to keep your bishop in the loop. He can add his faith and prayers in your behalf.
When seeking a marriage therapist here are a few guidelines:
• Pray for guidance in finding the right therapist for you.
• Be sure the therapist has your same values, preferably one who is an active member of the Church.
• Don’t be afraid to ask questions that concern you when seeking the best therapist for you.
• Be sure the therapist is licensed in your state.
• If you find that the therapist you chose does not feel right for you, you can terminate the therapy and find another who may be a better fit. Therapists want what is best for you. If asked, they may even recommend another therapist who may work out better for you.
• If you know others who have gone to a therapist, ask for their recommendations.
It only works if . . .
In order for marriage therapy to work, couples must be willing to do their part. They can’t just show up and expect the therapist to, in effect, wave a magic wand and all their problems will disappear.