Happy April Fool's Day

April 1, 2020

WHO Calls for Global Cancellation of April Fool's Day; 

President Trump Says It's Back On In 40 Days

In an health advisory issued on 31 March 2020 the Director-General of the World Health Organization (WHO) called on the leaders of all its member nations to cancel all activities normally practiced in their countries in observance of April Fool’s Day. The traditional activity, which originated in France and is practiced widely throughout Europe, is to sneak up behind someone and put a paper fish on their back, then run away. If the person realizes he or she has been “fished,” the person can then pass on the paper fish to someone else. As this practice is now deemed highly unsafe (and it was never was particularly clever or hilarious to begin with), the heads of all European countries have formally agreed to ban it, and accordingly, have cancelled this year’s April Fool’s Day in their countries.

In his daily press conference President Trump was asked whether the United States would follow suit, and he immediately responded, “That’s a nasty question.” With Dr. Anthony Fauci at his side, rolling his eyes so far back in his head that for a moment they were completely blank, the President responded that America would still enjoy a beautiful April Fool’s Day – “Trust me, it will be the most beautiful one you’ve ever known” – but that it would be even greater if moved to a date in May.  

The President then announced that the new date for April Fool’s Day would be on Sunday, May 10, Mother’s Day, adding that the date would be the perfect time for everyone to come out of isolation, visit their mothers, and play the “greatest April Fool’s trick on our mothers that our American genius can devise.” Having the 40-day delay will give people time to plan and the result will be to make our April Fool (AF) into an “the most incredible May Fool (MF) you ever saw.” The President called for a national competition to see “who can be the best at making this MF great as AF!” 

The President has already appointed a commission, to be known as the Trump Commission on Great AF-MF, which, in record time, has rolled out the National Great AF-MF Website, which lists the rules and eligibility (US native-born citizens only!) for the competition. The website is up and running today. You can register your April Fool/May Fool ideas at this link: bit.ly/NGAF-MF

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April 1, 2019

We have been asked to post this important update on behalf of the DC Statehood movement:

DC is making real progress on the road to statehood – as reported by CBS last month: http://bit.ly/2FLRTBY

Having won the support of a Democratic majority in the House of Representatives, plans are moving apace to make the District into “Douglass Commonwealth.” (The previously chosen state name, “New Columbia” was abandoned in 2016 due to an obvious conflict over the two-letter postal code, with NC already in use for North Carolina, and a strong preference on the part of postal patrons here to retain the initials“DC” for that purpose.)

Having solved the postal code conflict, statehood advocates have taken up the challenge of giving the district many other needed appellations of statehood. First, and most important, a state is made up of cities and towns. That is accomplished simply by taking the names of established neighborhoods and upgrading them so that they will be recognized as the various cities of DC, the state. Here are some prominent examples from across the proposed state, shown as they would be written on postal mail and on shipping labels for online orders:

Adams Morgan, DC 20009

Anacostia, DC 20002

Brookland, DC 20017

Chevy Chase, DC 20015

Cleveland Park, DC 20008 or 20016

Georgetown, DC 20007

Dupont, DC 20016

Mount Pleasant, DC 20010

Petworth, DC 20011

Shaw, DC 20001

Takoma, DC 20012

Citizens of each of the cities and towns of the state will eventually be able to elect its own mayor and town council. To facilitate this process from the start, statehood advocates are calling for current ANC commissioners to be recognized as the first town council members, and the current ANC chairperson will become the Mayor of each. All these new positions will be salaried. Negotiations are already underway to set salary levels. They will be announced once they are final and unchangeable.

The next major task in turning the District into a true State is for each of the eight wards to become the eight counties of Douglass Commonwealth. The following are the proposed county names:

Ward 1 will become Gentry County. (It contains the most gentrified neighborhoods in US - see http://bit.ly/2YGbxba.)

Ward 2 will become Cenbid County, derived from Central Business Improvement District. (An earlier proposal to call it Chambcom, from the DC Chamber of Commerce, was rejected by the Council as just a little too blatant.)

Ward 3 will become Montgomery County - because every state  in the union has to have a Montgomery County.  And under that name, parents of school age children in the city are thought to be more likely to stay put, once they can tell friends and relations that their children are in the Montgomery County School system.

Ward 4 will become Diamondtip County. Just look at it on the map: http://bit.ly/2TNKI18 

Ward 5 will become Duke Georges County. It’s adjacent to Prince Georges County, but being the younger of the two, is given the rank of Duke, not Prince.

Ward 6 will be named Hill County. Because The Hill.

Ward 7 will be named Kingman County. Developers’ plans to build up Kingman Island may not be going anywhere, but giving the island’s name to the entire area could be a way to increase its real estate appeal – the same way parts of Rockville have been rebranded “North Bethesda.”

Ward 8 will be named Barry County. Because the late Mayor-for-Life should definitely get a county. And the alternative was to name the whole state “Barry Commonwealth.”

As wards become counties, and neighborhoods become cities, so the Mayor will becomes the Governor, the city council will be the state legislature, and all the other elements of a city will take on the trappings of a state. Now all that’s left is to name a capital city of the 51st state. In keeping with the tradition that says it’s wise to keep the seat of state politics away from the center of commerce and wealth – as New York state has its capital up the Hudson in Albany, Texas has its capital off in Austin, away from Dallas and Houston, Illinois has its capital in Springfield out in the plains, and California has its capital Sacramento in the Central Valley - so Douglass Commonwealth will follow suit. Instead of choosing Capitol Hill, Foggy Bottom, Georgetown, Noma, or any other highly urbanized area in the thick of things downtown, the new seat of our state government will be located a s "upstate" in a pleasant, leafy, cooler clime - a place once touted as being well suited for the summer homes of the rich and powerful.

Yes, that means that the capital of Douglass Commonwealth will be our own beloved Cleveland Park!

One of the larger and most historic homes on Highland Place will be acquired by eminent domain to become the new Governor’s Mansion. Highland Place will be renamed Governor’s Way.

The state legislature will be relocated from its present home in the District Building to the Fannie Mae Building at 3900 Wisconsin Avenue NW - view its emblematically stately appearance here:  http://bit.ly/2YFXwdB. The construction, currently underway, which was to transform the old Fannie Mae buildng into a mixed-used complex anchored by a Wegman’s, will be halted, and that new development will be moved to a suitable site in the new Duke Georges County, where it is most needed and welcomed.

However, for these changes to become reality, we need an immediate show of support by the people of Cleveland Park. Please sign the online petition urging the Council to adopt the plans as outlined above to turn DC into Douglass Comonwealth, with Cleveland Park as its capital. The online petition is here: 

http://bit.ly/petitionclevelandparkcapitalcity 

Please add your name today!

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 April 1, 2018

Metro Press Release: Metro System Station Naming Program Opens with First Renamed Station: TARGET Cleveland Park

Dear Listserv Members,

We have received the following announcement from WMATA/Metro:

WMATA proudly unveils the first in its new program giving naming rights for Metro Stations to members of our Business Community:

On the Red Line, the Cleveland Park Metro Station will become TARGET Cleveland Park. The rebranding of the station will take effect sometime in the Spring of 2019, when the new Target Store is expected to open in Sam’s Park’n’Shop in Cleveland Park. (See: https://dc.curbed.com/2018/2/27/17055020/target-cleveland-park-ivy-city-dc)

In the interim, the Cleveland Park Metro Station will close, so that the reconfiguration and other adjustments can take place. The old pylons displaying the station name “Cleveland Park” must be removed, and a new station-identifying object will be constructed, which will consist of a very large version of the familiar red Target logo, with the new station name in red and white lettering, going in a circle around the logo/station marker. The height of the station-identifying object will be the same as the current pylon, and being circular, will have a diameter equal to its height.

The west entrance to the station will be closed permanently, and the east entrance on Connecticut Avenue, mid-block between Porter and Ordway Streets NW, will be accessed directly through the Target store, so that all Metro riders must enter and exit directly through the lower level of the store. The reconstruction of the new Target-centered escalator and elevator will take approximately one year, necessitating the closing of the station during that period of time. Metro regrets the inconvenience.

You can view the new TARGET Cleveland Park Station logo, as well as building plans for the redesigned, relocated escalator and elevator here: http://bit.ly/cplforapr1

When the new TARGET Cleveland Park Metro station reopens in the spring of 2019, WMATA and Target will stage a Grand Reopening for all patrons in the neighborhood, city officials, and other dignitaries. There will be live entertainment, free Metro safety stickers, a balloon artist, free Metro refrigerator magnets, and more. Other Metro branded merchandise will be available for purchase.

After the TARGET Cleveland Park Station rebranding project is completed, the next Metro station to be renamed and redesigned will be Federal Triangle; the naming rights have been acquired by the Trump International Hotel. The station will become The Trump International Make Metro Great Again Station. The station will be closed while the access in and out of the station is reconfigured so that all passenger will pass through the hotel’s lower lobby. There will be a $5.00 surcharge upon every entry and exit, for customer use of the marble-floored corridors, the gold banisters, or the mahogany-paneled elevator.

In the event that Amazon locates its second national headquarters in the Washington Metro area, it will be automatically be given naming rights to the entire Metro system, which will drop WMATA to become AMATA - Amazon Metro Area Transit Authority. However, if this change does take place, NO stations will be closed during the transition, and the entire system will be revamped, and every passenger who is a member of Amazon Prime will be assured of prompt delivery to his or her destination within the promised time period or the fare will automatically be refunded instantly to the customer’s Amazon Prime account. (This policy will not apply to non-members of Amazon Prime.) You can read more about how the Amazon-run Metro system would function by accessing the AMATA proposal, available here:

http://bit.ly/cplforapr1

To comment on any of these proposed changes, visit us online at:

http://bit.ly/cplforapr1

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April 1, 2017

Re: Call to Action: Congress Attempting to Nullify DC Laws...Again

We were asked to pass along this breaking news from DC citizens working to preserve DC’s laws from Congressional meddling:

The Congressional Committee in charge of DC is quietly moving to overturn DC’s “poop scoop” law. Rep. Chaffetz calls it a case of “correction local government overreach into the private lives of pets.”

Late tonight we learned that Rep. Jason Chaffetz, in his capacity as chairman of the Congressional Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, has taken steps toward overturning one of DC’s clean environment laws – DC poop-scoop law (900.7 and 900.8 in the DC Code), on the grounds that “the DC government has no right to intervene in the normal way that privately-owned pets can relieve themselves, following their own God-given nature.”

In a bill titled “The Canine Freedom to Eliminate” Act, a dog owner in the District of Columbia “cannot be compelled to serve as a toilet attendant to an animal.” While Rep. Chaffetz declined to answer any questions about the bill, his chief legislative aide, Braun T. Urhd, commented, “It’s typical of the ‘nanny state’ mentality of DC government to try to make people pick up after someone else. We don’t want this type of government mandate. It is within Congress’ purview to set it right, and that’s just what we intend to do.”

As if anticipating the objections from environmentalists concerned with hazards from dog feces left on streets and yards, Mr. Urhd pointed to a soil-analysis website showing that within six weeks, normal rainfall, wind, and other natural phenomena will naturally degrade and break down and/or wash away the typical amount of waste a dog a dog would leave behind after a single incident. The DC government’s regulations are therefore unnecessary, according to this analysis. A domain search shows that the website is maintained by a research organization with funding from climate-change-denying industrial interests.

The website on the natural decay of dog waste is at this link:

http://bit.ly/1NajxVZ 

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April 1, 2016

DC Streetcar Operations Scheduled to Return to “No Passengers” Operations 

for Improved Safety, Efficiency, and Savings 

(Washington, DC)—After the highly successful launch of the DC Streetcar on February 27, 2016, the District Department of Transportation (DDOT) today announced a return to a service schedule without passengers, as initiated in December 2015. A detailed study into the DC Streetcar service conducted over the past eight weeks has yielded substantial data in support of the “no passengers” mode of operation. Side-by-side comparisons of the DC Streetcar during the opening run “no passengers” between December and February with the period from February to present made a persuasive case to a panel of independent traffic consultants, who summarized their conclusions as follows: 

·        Without passengers, DC Streetcars were more efficient, keeping strictly to the scheduled times between stops, without interruptions or delays.

·         The cars were cleaner and easier to maintain; often returning to the maintenance facility at the end of the day in the same condition as at the start of a morning run.

·         Risks of accidents/injuries were practically eliminated, saving the system millions in insurance and liability claims.

·         Sharply reduced need for employees to work with public - except for public communications officers to tweet about the high quality of the Streetcar system

·         Substantial savings across the board, helping to bring down the budget overruns that have plagued the $200 million dollar system, engendering many hard-to-deflect questions from the media.

In addition to all the above-named benefits, the independent panel hailed several advantages of DC Streetcar operations, none of which rely upon the presence of passengers to produce the intended effect:

·         Having a clean, modern streetcar system puts Washington, DC into the same class as forward-thinking cities such as Melbourne, Helsinki, and Munich.

·         The presence of a streetcar system marks a city that is both eco-friendly and well-designed, as the sleek and streamlined streetcars add to the ambiance at ground level, while the jazzy crisscrossing of the overhead lines give a Mondrian-esque artistry to the sky.

·         Streetcars enhance the driving experience, presenting motorists with a challenge, sharpening their driving skills by requiring them to navigate different terrains –tracks and bump-outs– making driving more like a virtual reality game….but in actual reality.

·         Streetcars enhance the exploration of neighborhoods, especially as the removal of curbside parking incentivizes drivers to learn the ins and outs of the surrounding street grid, as they search for the few remaining spaces.

·         Streetcars sharpen pedestrian skills, too, by adding variety to the types of vehicles encountered while on foot; when you don’t know whether what’s coming around the corner is a streetcar, a bus, or an Uber, or something else entirely, you become an alert pedestrian.

If project continues to succeed over the next three-month study period, DDOT may launch similar programs on other forms of public transportation, include no-passenger bus routes. No-passenger Metro lines are soon to be announced. The Maryland Department of Transportation is currently studying the feasibility of creating a Purple Line that will be “No Passengers” from its inception – with a possible opening date as early as 2056.

For more information about the “No Passengers” DC Streetcar Study, please visit: http://tinyurl.com/cmqa52t.

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April 1, 2015

Grand Opening of the H20 Bar in Cleveland Park

~ Announcing the H2O Bar in Cleveland Park ~

Come Celebrate the Grand Opening of Cleveland Park’s Newest and Finest Watering Hole

3529 Connecticut Avenue NW (formerly Palena Restaurant)

The H2O bar is a sparkling clean new concept on DC’s bar scene. At the H2O Bar, we serve one thing in all its glory: Water. Here you can find still water, sparkling water, spring waters from around the world. 

Featuring:

o  Over 200 varieties of bottled water from Fiji to Finland, from the peaks of the Andes to the Serengeti Plain.

o  Designer Waters - Our Swiss-trained Wasser Meisterwill recommend the perfect pour for you. 

o  Custom Blended Waters – You choose the waters and we combine them to achieve the most refreshing blend for balance, clarity, and taste.

o  Tap on Tap - Featuring the finest tap waters drawn from municipal water sources consistently judged by experts to be the best in flavour and purity, available for the first time on tap in DC.

o  Waters aged in the premium metal casks - aluminum, copper, tin, each imparting just the right soupcon of mineral flavour

o  POE Water - “Purity of Essence” Brand - The purest water on earth - chemist-certified and approved - nothing but hydrogen and oxygen in the perfect ratio - no additives or extraneous molecules of ANY KIND 

All waters served straight up or with three cubes of pure Antarctic glacial ice.

Specialty waters made at your table include:

Steam condensed into water - $16 per kettle/drip method

Glacial ice gently warmed by candle under your glass - $21 for 6 oz.

Tables with individual drinking fountains for parties of six or more – please reserve at least one day in advance. (Deposit required.)

Flights of waters: 

3 for $17

5 for $25

7 for $32

Free tastings from 5 - 7 PM today only!

Experience water as you have never done before! 

The H2O Bar:  Water...and nothing but water served!

Visit our website to view the complete menu and make reservations:

http://bit.ly/H2OBarClevelandPark

For more information about this event, visit: http://tinyurl.com/cmqa52t

Cleveland Park Listserv Sponsor

###

From 2014

The Cleveland Park Listserv has received a press release from Capital Shower Share, a joint venture created by a private/public partnership of the local Council of Governments, local gym/spa owners, and Capital Bike Share. For everyone who has ever hesitated to use Capital Bike Share, especially in the warm weather, out of the fear of arriving at their destination all hot, sweaty, and smelly, Capital Shower Share offers welcome relief at an affordable price.

Here’s part of the official announcement from the Capital Shower Share Partnership (which would like to be known familiarly as CapShowParts):

“Today, Capital Shower Share brings a much-needed service to bicyclists in the Nation’s Capital. Six shower-equipped vehicles will be parked at selected high-traffic Capital Bike Share locations. Each Capital Shower Share van will be equipped with six private stalls and enough water to provide showers for 12 hours of continuous use. DC residents no longer have to make a trade-off between being environmentally responsible and fit, and sweaty and malodorous. With Capital Shower Share, people who bike to offices, restaurants, or meeting places will be able to enter clean and refreshed.

“Capital Shower Share is a product of two years’ research and is funded by a cooperative grant with the Environmental Protection Agency and the law firm of Stern, Haley, Christopher & Quaid, whose lawyers were tired of feeling gross and sticky when they got to work, especially in the hot summer months. Capital Shower Share incorporates technologically advanced solar-powered hot water heaters and solar-powered blow dryers in each shower -- no towels are needed.”

Here’s how Capital Shower Share works, according to the announcement: “Capital Bike Share members, after returning their bikes, will be able to use their Capital Bike Share card to unlock the door to the shower van. Only Capital Bike Share members will be able to use Capital Shower Share; those who rent bikes using just a credit card will be denied

access, no matter how sweaty they are. In addition, you need to have rented a bike within the past two hours to be able to use a Capital Shower Share shower. Once inside the shower van, your Capital Bike Share card will also unlock the door to your combination shower/changing room/locker. If any of the six shower stalls are occupied, an electronic sign on the outside of the shower van will display the estimated wait time for the stalls in use. To save energy and maximize availability, each shower will be limited to 4 minutes and 55 seconds.”

The announcement contains many more details about the rules for members, including: the required use of disposable shower shoes (provided); a list of permitted and prohibited soaps and shampoos; policy on singing (allowed, but lyrics must be family-friendly); and rubber duckies -- no larger than 6 inches long, 4 inches high, and 3.5 inches wide. Other

types or sizes of bathing toys may be permitted upon acceptance of a completed special exception application, available online.

The complete press release, which includes a link to all the full set of CapShowParts membership rules and the online registration form, is available on the web at http://tinyurl.com/cmqa52t. 

###

From 2013

The District of Columbia will put ads on supercans and share the ad revenue with homeowners. In what's being called a triple win for the city and its residents, Washington, DC will become the first city in the nation to put ads on its supercan trash cans.

"This is a bold move, one that will bring added revenue to the District and its residents," announced Mayor Vincent Gray after the City Council passed legislation authorizing the ads. "Residents and the District will split the ad revenue for each supercan 50-50. Not only will this give our city and its citizens some extra pocket change, but colorful ads will be more attractive than plain, green cans." The mayor added, "We'll have a richer city and a more attractive city, too."

The city has already lined up several major businesses that are interested in advertising on DC supercans, including Microsoft, Harley-Davidson, Jacobson & Lewin Law Offices, Verizon, and Colt Firearms. More advertisers will be coming on board soon, according to DPW's new advertising director.

Accompanying this advertising program is a change in the law that will allow residents to leave their cans out as long as they want. Currently, residents must not put cans out much before or after their scheduled pickup time, or face a fine. "We know that residents flout this law all the time. Well, now if you have an ad on your supercan, the law doesn't apply to you." Advertisement-adorned cans can be left out 24/7.

Initially, supercan ad packages can only be purchased in groups of 1,000. Advertisers provide their own art which will cover three sides of a supercan. Once the advertising program has been operational for a while, the city hopes to open up supercan advertising to smaller purchases so that local merchants can advertise, too. The advertising program is expected to bring in $6 million during its first year of operation alone.

District homeowners can expect to earn $25/month from supercan advertising.

For more information about this program, visit http://tinyurl.com/cmqa52t .

From 2012

I thought list members would be interested in hearing about this new service from the Department of Public Works. I'm looking forward to not having to deal with gathering the trash and recycling in my home every week. I hope they keep this service. Here's more information about it from DPW.

Bill Adler

www.cleveland-park.com

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DC DPW's In-Home Concierge Trash and Recycling Collection Service

As part of its continuing program to provide beyond-excellent service to District of Columbia residents, the Department of Public Works is pleased to announce in-home trash collection. For residents who don't have the time or desire to bring their trash out for weekly or bi-weekly collection, DPW will doit for you.

We know that taking out the trash is a chore. Otherwise, why would parents give an allowance to their kids? We know that you'd rather be talking a walk on a warm spring night than taking out the trash. We know that in the dead of winter, sorting recycling from household rubbish can't compare to reading a good book in bed.

Here's how the Department of Public Works Trash and Recycling Concierge Service works:

1. The fee is $25 per week for houses, and $15 per week for apartments. The fee includes both trash and recycling collection.

2. You need to be home during a two hour window between 7pm and 9pm on the night before your scheduled trash pickup. If you're going to be away, log in to your DPW Concierge Account and let us know at least 48 hours in advance.

3. Trash will be collected from up to 5 containers per household.

4. DPW will provide you with RFID (radio frequency identification) stickers to affix to your trash cans so that we can locate the trash cans when we arrive in your home. Using handheld receivers, DPW's Trash Collection Agents will swiftly find and remove your trash, without your having to point out each trash and recycling receptacle.

5. If you own an aggressive dog or cat please have your pet leashed on locked in a room.

6. There is a $5 surcharge per diaper can.

DPW's Concierge Trash Collection Agents are gloved and wear sanitary, earth-tone uniforms that go with the decor of any home. DPW's Trash Collection Agents will not use their cell phones while in your home. If your trashcan uses a standard white or gray plastic liner, we will replace it with a stylish magenta liner embossed with DPW's logo. As professional trash collectors, we will handle the job faster than you can, too. And remember, tipping isn't permitted!

This first-in-the-nation program is part of the "DC Is a Great City" Initiative. For more information and to sign up for DPW's Trash and Recycling Concierge Service visit http://tinyurl.com/cmqa52t .

From 2011

The Potomac Electric Power Company (Pepco) announced today that it will be planting artificial, storm-proof trees throughout the District of Columbia and Montgomery County. According to Pepco, these artificial trees will be able to withstand heavy snowfalls, ice storms, and winds of up to 100 miles per hour. “We’re excited about the storm-proof tree initiative,” said Pepco’s arborist, Mary Conti. “These trees, which are composed of carbon nanofibers, are able to hold up against just about anything that nature can whip up. Replacing living trees with artificial trees will dramatically reduce the number of power outages in the Washington, DC area.”

Pepco plans to initially replace some 4,500 living trees with artificial trees.  “None of these real trees has a life expectancy of more than 20 more years,” Conti said. “Compare that to the Pepco trees that will last for at least a century.” The 4,500 trees that Pepco has targeted for replacement either intersect or overhang power lines. That alone should reduce the power outage rate by 75%, Pepco says.  Eventually, Pepco plans to replace approximately 15,000 trees with these modern, indestructible artificial trees.  

Pepco’s artificial tree project is in response to customer’s requests to have more reliable electricity. 

Pepco, which already has considerable experience at cutting down trees, expects that it will take approximately eight months to replace the first batch of 4,500 trees. “When the next snowpocalypse strikes, we’ll just laugh at it,” Conti said. 

Pepco pointed out that area residents will be impressed, even wowed, by these artificial trees, because they were created by the award-winning Italian design firm FioreNuovo.  “We think that people will like our Pepco trees even more than actual trees,” Conti said. 

Each tree will have three openings that lead to spacious hollows inside for squirrels, raccoons, birds and other critters to establish homes. “These are not just beautiful, but eco-friendly trees. I know that the squirrels will be very happy.”  The upper leaves on the trees can be replaced with solar-cell coated leaves at a future date so that not only will we have fewer power outages, but the Pepco trees will actually generate more energy. “An ordinary tree can’t make electricity,” Conti pointed out. “Our trees are better than nature.”

The cut-down trees will be turned into firewood and given away to needy families, Pepco said. 

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From 2010

Everyone,

I thought you'd want to know about this new Metro service:  First Class Metro cars.  I think this is a great idea and should help Metro balance its budget.

--Bill Adler

Cleveland Park Listserv Publisher

www.cleveland-park.com

---

Metro Launches First Class, Tourist Class Cars 

"Metro is going First Class," Washington, DC's mayor Adrian Fenty announced today.  Beginning May 1, 2010, two special passenger class cars will be inaugurated on Metro:  The first car on every train will be First Class, and the last car will Tourist Class.  

"Metro is the first city rail system in the Untied States to better serve its customers by providing options for different kinds of service," said John Catoe, WMATA's General Manager.  "We think that First Class will appeal to Washington's lawyers and those upper level political appointees and staffers who want more luxury, but don't rate a private car and driver."

First Class cars will have leather seats, wider seats, and a configuration that allows the seats to be reclined. Eating will be allowed in Metro's First Class cars.  Tourist Class cars will have narrower seats constructed out of a less expensive hardened plastic, without cushioning.  The other four Metro cars, now called Business Class, will remain unchanged.    "We're taking our cues from what works for the airlines," said Catoe.  "Airline passengers are very happy with having the ability to choose what kind of seat and service they want, and we think that Metro riders should have that choice, too."  

First class cars will cost 50 percent more to ride than Business Class, and Tourist Class cars will cost 10 percent less than Business Class.  The first car of each train will be First Class, and the last car will be Tourist Class.  The First Class car will be marked with a distinctive gold star on the side to make it easy to recognize; the Tourist Class Car will have a pair of sunglasses painted on the side of the car.  

This two-tier change will benefit Metro and its customers in several ways.  First, by having a more expensive First Class car, Metro will be able to increase its revenue.  Tourist class, which is only 10 percent less than regular Business Class, will only marginally decrease the per-passenger revenue.  Second, First Class cars will help improve the region's air quality by enticing people to take Metro rather than drive in their limos and other large cars.  Third, Metro expects its First Class cars to attract visitors from around the world.  "It's pretty exciting," Catoe said.  "And we're not stopping with leather reclining seats, either.  Metro will be adding bars to its cars sometime later this year.  Washington is a high-stress city, and there are lots of people who would like to be able to have a drink on the way home." 

Metro expects that selling alcoholic beverages will bring in millions of dollars of much needed revenue.  Metro says, "Drinking and driving don't mix.  Drinking while Metro drives is the safe and fun way to travel."

Tourists will be required to use the Tourist Class car.  "By requiring tourists to ride Tourist Class we will not only make the ride more relaxing for area commuters who are tired of hearing stories about aunt and uncle so-and-so, and how cute the pandas are, but we will be enriching the tourist experience by giving tourists the ability to meet and converse with their own kind," said Metro's press spokesperson Jamie Roku.  Metro will have escalator monitors at each station.  Customers who stand to the left while riding down the escalator will be instructed to ride in Tourist Class. "We won't have any trouble spotting tourists. While tourists are hard to define, you know them when you see them," Roku added.

Metro will be adding a second First Class Car in December.  "We want to make the First Class riding experience as comfortable as possible.  We don't want our First Class passengers to feel packed in like passengers on the Tokyo subway," Catoe said.  "Metro is first class all the way."  

Mayor Fenty, who was at today's press conference, added, "Now when we say 'tourist class' we mean 'tourist class.'"

For more information about Metro First Class visit http://u.nu/4wnz7 .

######

From 2009:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

DDOT  

DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA TO GET FIRST IN THE NATION PAPERLESS PARKING TICKET SYSTEM

 Beginning today the District of Columbia will implement a 100 percent paperless 

Instead of receiving a paper parking ticket, drivers can check online to see if

parking ticket system.  they have a pending parking ticket. "All you need to do is enter in your 

or not you have a pending parking ticket. If you do, you can pay that ticket

license plate number and state, and the system, MY DDOT, will tell you whether instantly using your credit card number or PayPal," said DDOT's chief technology 

of windshields and end up in the Chesapeake Bay."

officer, Martha Brady. "This system will save the city over $5 million a year, will help reduce waste, and will cut back on the number of tickets that fly off  

existing regulations. "There are no exemptions or excuses allowed for not

Drivers who park in the District of Columbia should visit MY DDOT at least once a week to see if they have a pending parking ticket. If you don't log on and subsequently pay your ticket, your fine will be doubled, in accordance with 

phone users soon, so that people can check and pay their parking tickets while

checking online. Everyone who drives in the District of Columbia should log on to MY DDOT once a week to see if they have any outstanding parking tickets."  DDOT will be launching mobile applications for Blackberry and Windows Mobile on the go. There is no iPhone application in the works. "We know that iPhone 

As part of the paperless parking ticket initiative, District ticket writers will

users are statistically less likely to park illegally, and we didn't want to spend money developing software that we didn't need to deploy," said Brady.  The paperless parking ticket system will also be faster than the current system. be using hand-held devices that take a photo of the illegally parked car and 

receive a parking ticket. "Email notification is for people who are too lazy or then transmit that information back to DDOT's central server instantly. DDOT has special software that can read license plates, so that drivers won't be able to drive off quickly to thwart a parking ticket.  Starting in June 2009, you will be able to sign up for email notification of parking tickets. For a nominal $50 a year, you can choose to be notified if you you add  youvegotaticket@myddot.gov (youvegotaticket @ myddot.gov) to your safe sender's list. We hope that District residents who receive parking tickets will patronize the companies that advertise in our ticket notifications. This helps 

"We're really excited about this," said Mayor Adrian Fenty. "One of the aspects

the DC Government's bottom line."  

forgetful to visit MY DDOT weekly, which is why it's a premium service," said Brady. "Email notifications may contain advertisements, so we recommend that 

system will let people determine whether or not they have a parking ticket while

of the initiative that I think is most helpful is that the online parking ticket 

when you return. Now you have a bona fide excuse to take your Blackberry with

on vacation or during a business trip. No more surprise tickets and penalties you to the beach or the mountains. We know that there are some families in 

database of license plates of cars that have received parking tickets. But it's

which one spouse or another might find this helpful."  DDOT also understands and appreciates the privacy issues surrounding a public 

For more information about the District's paperless parking ticket initiative

already the case that anyone walking down the street can see whether or not a particular car has a parking ticket. "We don't expect parking ticket voyeurism to be a problem," said Brady.  

visit http://primaryinfo.notlong.com or http://tinyurl.com/d5r3ht .

From 2008:

Escaped Animal from the Zoo -- ALERT

I want to alert all list members to a bulletin I just received: A

loof lirpa has escaped from the National Zoo. The animal ran out of

its enclosure about 10 minutes ago when the zookeeper on duty was

texting while the enclosure was unlocked.

The lirpa was last spotted heading north on Connecticut Avenue, and is

probably in the vicinity of Porter Street and Connecticut Avenue about

now. It may have stopped to snack on the vegetables at the outdoor

carts at Magruder's.

DO NOT TRY AND CAPTURE THE LOOF LIRPA ON YOUR OWN. The lirpa stands

about 4 feet tall, has a gazelle-like horns, weighs about 350 pounds,

and comes from Patagonia. In other respects the lirpa resembles an

alpaca. Normally the lirpa is gentle, but during its mating season

(springtime, which is now), it can become aggressive. IF YOU HAVE A

LARGE DOG, PLEASE KEEP YOUR DOG INSIDE. The naturally nearsighted

lirpa may mistake your pet for its mate -- and it was the male that

escaped. German shepherds, golden retrievers, and dalmatians are

especially at risk, but even smaller dogs like miniature poodles and

dachshunds may be a mating target, too, if the lirpa's sex desire is

strong enough. Cats should be safe, unless they are abnormally large

and overweight.

The loof lirpa is a rare species and only about 12 zoos in the United

States have one; half that number have a breeding pair, as the

National Zoo does. Males in solo captivity lose their mating desire,

but this male lirpa was planning to mate Friday or Saturday night

(after dinner); its hormones are therefore likely to be at or near

maximum.

If you're driving, please keep a lookout and drive carefully. The

lirpa is quite a leaper. When a lirpa escaped from the San Diego Zoo

in 2003 it caused a 7-car pile-up. The lirpa makes a clop-clop sound

when it runs. Also, it has an aroma that can best be described a

smelling like "cheap cologne," so you should be able to tell right

away if the lirpa is or has been nearby.

The zoo has temporarily banned cell phone texting --for employees and

visitors-- in the wake of this incident.

Please be careful. Treat the loof lirpa with caution -- it's a wild

animal, and you can't tell how a wild animal will behave.

If you see the lirpa, please contact officials

right away -- contact information here: http://zooalert.notlong.com .

--Bill Adler

Fun for 2007:

Subject:  Pet Hotel Coming to Cleveland Park - major issue

A San Francisco Pet Hotel company, Day 'n' Night Pet Hotels, is going to be moving into the space currently occupied by the Radio Shack on Connecticut Avenue and Newark Street.  As far as I can tell, unlike restaurants, there's no zoning against a pet hotel.  (But the pet hotel will apparently have a restaurant for pets and this may be an issue -- more about that later.)

Not that a pet hotel is a bad idea.  But Day 'n' Night Pet Hotels appears to be both a pet hotel and *bordello*.  That's pretty clear from reading their website:

"Day 'n' Night Pet Hotels offers more than just a refuge for your pampered cat or dog for when you're away.  We know that you, the pet owner, are discriminating about where you board your precious canine or feline, which is why Day 'n' Night Pet Hotels offers unparalleled fun for your pet in the way of selective and supervised dating.

"Pets start out with their favorite meal (just tell us what it is and we'll have a fresh can or bag on hand.) Then our guests spend the next half hour or so playing together with a fabulous array of toys developed just for Day 'n' Night Pet Hotels.  Following that is a little snack and some water (and a walk if needed), after which your pet gets to enjoy a night out. 

"While you're away, not only will you have a great time, but your pet will, too.  Many of our customers tell us that their dog or cat had such a terrific time that they send their pets back again and again.

"Our pet food is 100 percent made in the USA, inspected and taste-tested by our veterinary team.

"And, of course, we provide all pets with pre-date birth control, so that you don't have any surprises at home months later.

"We welcome gay pets, too, and pair those pets appropriately."

I hope that the pet hotel is sound-proof!  Late night noise could really become a problem for people who live near the former Radio Shack.   For more information, you can visit the company's website: http://daynnight.notlong.com

Which brings me back to beginning of this message:  Does anyone know if this violates the zoning cap for restaurants?  It seems to me that the pet hotel also has a restaurant for animals, and as far as my reading of the zoning regulations goes, there's nothing that exempts a pet restaurant from that cap.  A restaurant's a restaurant, right -- even if it's part of a so-called pet hotel?  Has anyone had any experience with Day 'n' Night Pet Hotels in San Francisco or elsewhere?

Bill Adler

### 

The 2006 Cleveland Park April Fool's Message:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

DC DDOT

April 1, 2006

RENO ROAD TO BECOME TOLL ROAD MAY 1, 2006

Starting May 1, 2006, Reno Road (also named 34th Street at the southern end) will become a toll road, the District of Columbia Department of Transportation announced today.

"We’re turning Reno Road into a toll road for two main reasons," said William Wheat, DDOT’s spokesperson. "First, this will reduce the amount of traffic on this major thoroughfare. If people have to pay to travel on Reno, they’re going to drive less, making Reno less congested and safer. Second, this will also reduce the amount of traffic on Reno Road, enabling cars to move faster."

There will be two toll booths. The northern toll booth is being constructed just north of Military Road, rather than at Western Avenue. The reason for a toll both at Military instead of the most northern entrance to Reno is to prevent cheaters from avoiding the toll road by sneaking in at Military Road.

DDOT expects that the annual revenue from the Reno Toll Road will exceed $10 million. "I want to emphasize that this is not designed as a revenue enhancing measure. We are implementing the toll road for safety and traffic reasons," said Wheat. "Revenue is just a byproduct of the tolls."

The southern toll booth is being constructed at Massachusetts Avenue, at the southern entrance to Reno/34th Street. The south toll booth, which is across the street from the entrance to the Vice President’s house, will be staffed by a uniformed Secret Service agent. Drivers can expect random security checks at the southern toll booth, due to its proximity to the Vice President’s residence.

District of Columbia residents may apply for an annual toll permit for $250, which will permit them to pass through the toll booths without stopping. (The Reno Toll Road will be part of the EZPass system by January, 2007.) The Secret Service has informed DDOT that even with the permit stickers, cars at the southern toll booth may be subject to random inspections.

To apply for a toll permit and for more information about the Reno Toll Road please click here: http://tinyurl.com/mjtnr  Note: The initial permits will be available only to District of Columbia residents.

###

2005's April Fool's Posting:

CLEVELAND PARK LISTSERV SOLD TO COMCAST

DC News Alert Service

April 1, 2005

The much venerated Cleveland Park Listserv has been sold to Comcast for an

undisclosed amount of money, Brian Roberts, Comcast's CEO, announced today.

"With the acquisition of the Cleveland Park Listserv, Comcast will be able

to fulfill its mission of providing complete information coverage in the

District of Columbia. And yes, the rumors are true: Comcast will soon be

replacing Fox TV with the Cleveland Park Listserv Television Channel. While

this may come as a disappointment for the many fans of Fox News, we believe

that the Cleveland Park Listserv Television Channel will be much more

interesting than old, stale shows like '24' and American Idol." Mr. Roberts

added, "When there's a hot issue in Cleveland Park, well, there's nothing

more interesting than that. It's time to televise these neighborhood

controversies."

Comcast's acquisition of the Cleveland Park Listserv does not require

Justice Department or ANC Approval.

Former Cleveland Park Listserv owners, Bill Adler and Peggy Robin rejected a

larger offer from Microsoft, saying "Microsoft's plans for world domination

have to stop somewhere. We have our principles."

Adler and Robin, reached by satellite phone on their new yacht off the

Cayman Islands, said "We expect that Comcast will offer the same level of

personalized attention that we have over the years. We're glad that we were

able to find such a well-regarded corporate partner."

The Cleveland Park Listserv is the largest neighborhood email list in the United States.  Wow!  You can join or read more about us at http://www.cleveland-park.com. 

The Cleveland Park Listserv's website is www.cleveland-park.com

The short URL for this page is http://primaryinfo.notlong.com or http://tinyurl.com/d5r3ht