A Structured Separation is a strategy that can be used to create a more productive and sober environment to work on the marriage. It is most often used when couples are already considering separation or divorce and the home environment has become so hostile that it is difficult for the relationship to continue.
Structured Separations are significantly better than unstructured separations or separations that happen without a plan because the fear and uncertainty are lessened and separation is given a purpose. Many separations have harmed relationships simply because of the insecurities they create. Questions like "Is she just planning on divorcing me anyway", "Does he just want to get away from me?", and "Does this mean she is giving up on me/ our family?" can run rampant and crack the foundation of the relationship.
Before a Structured Separation begins, the couple should create a small written document that is agreed upon by both parties. This agreement should cover 4 areas: 1) Marital integrity, 2) Relationship healing, 3) Joint responsibilities, and 4) How long the separation should last.
Rules for Structured Separation
Both persons agree to refrain from dating other people or contacting a divorce lawyer
Both persons agree to attend counseling, work on resolving personal and marital issues, and have a weekly conversation to check in and go over any issues that need discussing
Both persons agree to maintain household responsibilities (bills, chores, child care)
Both persons agree to a length of time for the separation. One person should decide to move out for a specific amount of time. Usually this is 1-6 months, but it can vary depending on the financial situation, length of apartment leases available, and willingness for friends/family to take someone in. Every month, the couple should have a conversation about the state of the relationship and decide between one of three options:
to reunify and move back in
to continue the separation and push back the deadline
to move forward with the divorce