PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT IF YOU READ THE BOOK. IT'S THE ONLY WAY WE KNOW HOW THE BOOK IS GOING.

THIS IS WRITTEN BY RICHARD SPAHR AND JEFFREY MCCANN - 2010 AND 2011 (edited and updated to fit current political climate in 2019)

This work is not yet complete. We will be adding content practically every day.

If there are copyright pictures below, please contact CookieAndCreamo123@gmail.com and we will immediately remove them.

Aspects of Badgers: Their Nature and Behaviors

Dr. Oswalt E. Cook, Assumption University of Thailand

Dr. Newton P. Creamo, University of Oslo

With a special introduction by Commodore Francis Frank.

This book is dedicated to the guides we lost along the way. Without your help, we would not have discovered the true nature of badgers:

Ronnie

Ung-apecho Ankaleoleo

Dr. Joseph Frostinsky, University of Siberia

Antwoine Sempalore

Burger VonBergermeister

John Smith

Joe Smith

Frederich Smith

Captain Lucy Svelderhaaam, Norwegian Department of Interior Ministries

(We can have like 3 pages of people here).

Subtitles (and/or Alternative Titles) for this book...

THE INCREDIBADGERS

LAST BADGER STANDING

AMERICA’S GOT BADGERS

OINGO BOINGBADGER

WUTHERING BADGERS

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF BADGERS

WONDER BADGER POWERS ACTIVATE! SHAPE OF A BADGER! FORM OF A BADGER!

THE DICK VAN BADGER SHOW

FRUIT SALAD BADGER BADGER

THANK YOU EASTER BADGER BAWK! BAWK!

DON’T SIT UNDER THE BADGER TREE WITH ANYONE ELSE BUT ME.

DEEPER SHADE OF BADGER

DON’T STOP BELIEVING. HOLD ON TO YOUR BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADGER!

RUN TO THE BADGERS DO DO DO DAH DO DO DO DAH……RUN FOR YOUR BADGER

ECHO AND THE BADGERMEN

BORN TO BE BADGERERD

I CAN’T BELIEVE ITS NOT BADGER

ROCKY HORROR BADGER SHOW

A STITCH IN TIME SAVES BADGERS

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR BADGER CAN DO FOR YOU, BUT WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR BADGER

A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN BADGERMY

THREE BLIND BADGERS, THREE BLIND BADGERS

B.A.D.G.E.R. FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME. B. A. D.G.E.R.

I SHOT THE BADGER, BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY

YOU KNOW DASHER AND DANCER AND PRANCER AND BADGER

A CLOCKWORK BADGER

MILLI VABADGER

WHEN THERE’S SOMETHING STRANGE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD, WHO YOU GONNA CALL? GHOSTBADGERS!

THE ROLLING BADGER GATHERS NO MOSS

BECKY VEREB INTERPRETS THE KORAN IN BADGERESE

WHO’S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA BADGER

BADGER SUAVE

WHEN YOU’RE OUT ON A DATE AND YOUR NOSE GETS RUNNY, YOU MAY THINK ITS FUNNY BUT ITS SNOT A BADGER.

SPONGEBOB BADGERPANTS

BADGERS? WE DON’T NEED NO STINKING BADGERS!!!!

50 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR BADGER. JUST STEP OUT THE BACK JACK.

BADGERS IN THE ATTIC

THE BREAKFAST BADGER

SIXTEEN BADGERS

BADGER IN PINK

ST ELMO’S BADGER

BILL AND TED’S EXCELLENT BADGER

SHINY HAPPY BADGERS HOLDING CLAWS

THATSA SPICY BADGER!!!!!

THERE WAS AN OLD LADY WHO SWALLOWED A BADGER.

ALL AROUND THE COBBLER’S BENCH THE MONKEY CHASED THE BADGER….

SUMMER LOVIN’ HAD ME A BADGER

ALL THE KING’S BADGERS AND ALL THE KING’S MEN COULDN’T PUT HUMPTY TOGETHER AGAIN.

HOW MUCH IS THAT BADGER IN THE WINDOW?

Introduction:

It is with great pleasure that I was invited to write the introduction to this book. I have spent the better part of my life serving as the Minister of the Atlantic in the Tactical Naval unit of Luxembourg Military Defense Squadron. Hence, my experience with Naval tactics in landlocked countries is understood. Long have I feared that time as measured will not fully understand the naval tactics and its place in history and the wonderment of life in the pursuit of naval academia. Upon my many travails upon the sea, I have not encountered a single badger. Also, just to bring it up, as a sailor in the Luxembourg Navy, I've never actually been to sea, since we are a landlocked nation and haven't had much need for a navy since we are generally a peaceful people.

Nonetheless, I do appreciate being invited to participate in the merriment of christening this book with which I have no idea about what the authors have discussed or very many indicated as the behavior and aspects of badgers. Actually, I do not really speak or write English very well, but I found that Google does translation, so I just popped this into Google and wham-bam, there's the translation.

Since my childhood, I have been very seriously addicted to sniffing people's shoes. I don't know why, but it always seemed logical. I think it came from the time I wore wooden shoes around my neighborhood after I received them as a gift from Father Christmas in my third year as a child in the lovely land of Luxembourg. I very much enjoyed that woody smell and after I took a full lung of the stuff, I could not decide upon a better way to conceive of my future uploading of years to my age. I do not believe that my shoe sniffing affliction led me to the military, but I know that after the many years of mine on this land, I have greatly enjoyed and continue to enjoy smelling shoes, especially my own.

Because this is an introduction, my English is not good, and the editors probably do not care what I write, I will assume from here on out, you have stopped reading (especially that bit about the shoe sniffing). Anyway, because I am being paid by the word I will hope to use as many words as I possibly can so that each and every one of those words are very much invaluable to the consequence of the sentences and phrases and paragraphs that I am writing here-to-with. Thusly, in an immediate need for vacillation and further overwhelming vehemence resembling vocabulary, I would like to state some of the things in my life of which I am proud.

1. My collection of nose-hair tweezers
2. I have been promoted throughout the Luxembourg Navy without setting a single foot on a floating vessel (Please don't tell the Grand Dutchess, if you happen to be reading this, but as I previously stated, I assume that no one is)
3. My peacock portrait studio

It is upon the peacock portrait studio that I would like to focus now. I built it about 5 years ago. I thought to myself, "What if someone wants to take a picture of a peacock, where would they go?" Hence, I created the studio. Since then, I have had none so not as many visitors. As you may or may not know, Luxembourg is very famous for not having any native peacocks. Thus, having a peacock portrait studio is a very strange concept to my countrymen, indeed. However, it is the most beautiful place to visit that I have ever been. I say so humbly as I have reason to believe that my opinion is supreme since I was asked to write an introduction to a book. My brother, Winston upon hearing that I would write the introduction to a book has not let me alone as to how much I would get paid. I owe him the value of 14 chickens that were lost at the expense of my testing of the peacock portrait studio. Which reminds me, there are blue and black velvet dropdowns and there is a very nice piece of furniture that I acquired from the Count of Montechesto-upon-avonworth-upon-buckbuckenhamshestershiremansburgtown. No peacocks have yet to grace me with their presence in my beloved studio.

Okay, I think I have wasted enough time and enough words. Therefore, I think I will be finished and start my next project, whistling the name of every person in Luxembourg. I have finished most of the people in my family, much to their chagrin. I am furthermore at a loss for words, as my life has been pretty unfulfilled, except for my title which is very much top notch.

Hence, I welcome you to enjoy this wonderfully written book by Dr. Cook and Dr. Creamo. However, I am unsure why someone with my limited knowledge of naval tactics, but extensive knowledge of peacock portrait studios would be writing the introduction to a book about badgers. I got bored about 5 pages into the pre-released version of the thing and quit reading. I would not have called it wonderful, but my mother always told me that if I didn't have anything nice to say, LIE like the devil and make them feel good. Anyway, happy reading, and I hope you paid lots of money for this stupid thing.

Sincerely,

Commodore Francis Frank

______________________________________________________________

Table of Contents:

Book I - The Nature of Badgers

• Chapter 1: Badger Overview - What is a Badger?
• Chapter 2: Badger Birth and Immaturity
• Chapter 3: Badger Tweens
• Chapter 4: Badger Rebellious Phase
• Chapter 5: Badger Mating Practices
• Chapter 6: Badger Adult Behavior - Daytime Activities
• Chapter 7: Badger Adult Behavior - Evening Activities
• Chapter 8: Elderly Badgers
• Chapter 9: Badger Social Interactions
• Chapter 10: Badger sows who have raised human offspring. True or Real?
• Chapter 11: Badger Lifestyle Choices
• Chapter 12: Badger / Coyote Taboos
• Chapter 13: Badgers and Why we Love Them
• Chapter 14: Badger Written Language
• Chapter 15: Badgers in Australia
• Chapter 37: Badgers
• Chapter 40:
• Chapter 41: Recollections of Dr. Cook

Book II - Our Exploits in the Discovery of the Nature of Badgers

• Plenty of Stories told by Drs. Cook and Creamo

Book III - Badger Psychology

• Chapter 1: Seriously?

Appendix -- Many appendices with all kinds of useless info.

Concordance

Glossary

Biographies

BOOK I

The Nature of Badgers

Chapter 1: Badger Overview - What is a Badger?

Badgers consist of the species in the genera Meles, Arctonyx, Taxidea, and Mellivora. Since these are such hard words to say, we will hearby refer to badgers not by their genus, but rather their ferocity. We fully understand that many of our facts may be challenge worthy. Please feel free. We did not use the standard reference documentation. This has all been done independently. Please make note that if you do challenge our work, we will release the badger coven we have in stock, just for this purpose. So beware.

Because ferocity is the integral aspects of badgers we use for classification, the following simple formula should be helpful if you encounter a badger in the wild. Remember, x=3.

Testimonials:

Zeke Clemphound, Roundbottom, Arkansas:

"I was just sittin' there whittlin a snake out of a piece of pine when I looked over yonder hill and saw sumfin moving in the old walnut tree. I got up from my textile spool chair and walked over to it. Wouldn't you know there was a badger jammed in the knothole of the tree. Couldn't been more than 4 or 5 hours old. I ran, cause I don't want to get a nasty badger chomp, even if it is only 4 or 5 hours."

Jarls Gaaarderson, Holmejtern, Sweden:

"Ve have only one tree in our community. It is very cold here in Sveden, and trees do not grow so good. We teach our children at an early age to stay away from it, because it is full of holes and there's alvays a badger poking it's little behind out of it."

Carl VanDerSnoot, Little River, North Dakota:

"It was a dark and stormy night. My wife, Lolita saw a shadow creeping across the front yard, out near the big maple tree we got there. I got the big spotlight out and handed it to her. I said, 'I'm too freaking tired, you go out and see what is going on'.

"'You're just plain lazy Carl.' And that was the last thing she said to me.

"From the corner of my eye, I saw her walk out there and shine the light. It sure was a nasty mother badger. It dropped her young from her mouth and charged at my Lolita. She was a bloody pulp. The mother badger picked up the baby, stood up on her hind legs and jammed the baby right into the tree. I didn't go out to look at, because I just haven't found the time. I'm so tired, you know, from all the work I do down to the car wash downtown."

Hank Scattfield, Mellow Holler, Georgia:

"Oh my! oh my! oh my! That bulldog was big and had teeth like a shark. He was carrying a smaller bull dog and then smushed him all up in a dogwood that I been growin' on my back 40. I ran to my trailer and called Pest be Gone. They came and dug that thing out with a big ol' pole. The baby bull dog ate right up the pole and halfway up the Pest guy's arm. It was butt nasty. I got some pitchers threw the screen door, but the screen was too dirty and you can only make out shadows. I ain't et in a week. Course that might be cause I got the ringworm real bad...."

From "The Perserverance" Newspaper, Badgerette, Wisconsin (April 8, 1889)

Easter Picnic Spoiled by Fangs and Razor-Sharp Claws

"Oh, the HORROR! Oh, the Humanity! The Johnson family picnic was ruined by 53 miniature badgers (one in a little pink dress and barrettes) coming from the trees simultaneously. The family members (82 in all) were all slaughtered in cold blood by little fuzzy badgers. The only surviving family member, Thaddeus Johnson survived by pushing several small cousins directly in the path of the charging itsy-bitsy badgers. 'It was horrible. I didn't know whether to run or grab them up and give them hugs. The were so cute, but they had fire in their eyes. Each one was like a little fuzzy tornado.' The only remains found at the picnic site were a few bones and several torn articles of clothing.

"Captain Wyette Johnson was among the dead. He was known for his chivalrous action in the 2nd Battle of Johnson Creek where he single handedly defeated 18 confederate soldiers by bombarding them with old whiskey flasks. He was the first Wisconsin to ever receive the Congressional Medal of Bravery. But to this reporter, it looks like whatever valiant behaviors he possessed on the battlefield were not enough to save him from the 8 ounce badgers that reportedly came out of knocks of trees."

Tom Ridge (former govenor of Pennsylvania and director of Homeland Security)

"I was pulling the car into a Shop a Lot when I saw in my rear view a small creature crawling out of a tree. I noticed that the creature hit land and began running straight for me. I panicked and rolled up the windows and locked the doors. This creature looked crazy with foam around its mouth and a violent look in his eye. I think it was a small beaver or something. Just as it was about to attack the car, he must have seen the elderly woman at the crosswalk. In a blink of an eye, the elderly woman was devoured whole as if she had never been there. I still wake up to the vision of what I have seen. Do beavers eat the elderly?"

Lillith VanderCorn, Suckbath, Illinois

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ducky McSeaworthy, Bar Harbor, Maine:

"Yeah I seen that badga smash it's young in a tree. I was pawkin my caw when all sudden a badga ran cross my hood. He was holding a little badga in his pouch.⁴ All sudden, like I said before, that badga mum smashed that baby badga right in a tree. I laughed and that got heckfire outta that neighbahood. So I guess it really is true. Badgas really do grow on trees. Bawwwwwheeee bawwwheeee!!!!! Snort!"

The National Audobon Society, New York, New York:

The Audobon Society (known mostly for bird research) also has a less known Celtic office whose sole job is to study the badger. Once thought to have the ability of flight, the badger was always a creature of interest to this group. Because the badger has long flaps of skin under his/her arms, some scientist still believes that on rare rainy nights, the sky will be darkened with badgers. The co-author of this book, would like to pose his opinion on the matter.

Dr. McHandlercrank: I believe that all creatures and especially the badger are capable of flight. With enough pelvic thrusts and a series of makeshift pulleys and levers, any animal can fly. Badgers and their knowledge of tool making would be at the top of the list. They can manuever through any instruction manual and easily take flight if they want to. The question is, "do they want to?" I think not. Why would they when they can bore holes 40 foot deep to forage for grubs or skin a manatee before the beast knows its been touched. What would the badger instinctively get from flying through the air? The occasional goose? Thank you for your time.

Baby Fae age 32 (saved from life in a well)

"I have never seen the punking ritual, but I can empathize with the majestic creatures....."

News break!!!! This just in!!!! Baby Fay has been mauled an eaten by a badger during the interview. This sudden attack occurred during her "Where are they now?" interview.

Stacy Spahr, Emsworth PA (Reporter in the field)

"Female badgers are just as ferocious as male badgers. However, at night the female still likes to look pretty. They fashion a evening coat out of Brillo pads. The tomboy-like badgers use the traditional blue. The more effeminate badgers will take berry and dye theirs pink. There is a group of loose badgers that find the deepest darkest cherries to dye their brillo coats bright red. The male badgers know what this means. These are badgers you don't take home to the Sow."

___________________________________________________

4 - see Appendix 3-Badger pouches

Chapter 3: Badger Tweens

After a badger has emerged from punking and after she has eaten her fill, she advances to the next stage of life -- preadolescence or the tweens. Badger tweens are unique in the animal kingdom because they are not at all interested in trivial pop stars who have a couple of hit records. While lions, antelopes, and white tail deer are huge fans of Miley Cyrus, the tween badger has nothing to do with her. They do not like MTV or Barbie movies or anything like that. They prefer to spend their days either listening to Tony Orlando records on very old, scratchy hi-fi's or watching re-runs of Mr. Ed. These actions very much contribute to the anger and hostility that the badger will need in adulthood.

It is at this point in life that another critical development occurs socially: All badgers are bullies. It is an interesting dynamic because each badger tries to bully others and that makes the others more tough and try to bully the first badger who by this time tries to badger another bully and the bully then bullies the badger. It makes all badgers during this time even more hostile and aggressive. We have put together an interesting formula to describe the "circular badger bully theory" (copyright 2010, Cook & Creamo Science Organization of Oslo and Thailand)^9a. Remember the answer will always be in the form of a color. example: Blue = bully + y squared.

The image below doesn't really fit in anywhere, but it's so damn cute. Just imagine they are badgers.

During their tween years, Badgers love to run in packs of 1. They carry spears and have an interesting and haunting war cry. It sounds like this,

"weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh woo hoo bonk!"

No one know where this originated and what it means, but it means that they are about to attack as everyone knows.

___________________________________________________

9a - This is a total lie.

Chapter 4: Badger Rebellious Phase

The badger is known for the dwarf fang that originates in the middle of the mouth. This fang has also been called the drag fang or strip fang. The purpose of this fang is to draw a blood line on the badger's victim face to increase pain and embarrassment.

Badgers have an uncanny desire to inflict not only physical pain but emotional pain as well. Scientists have interviewed badger attack survivors and they all said the same thing. It seemed to them that the badger was trying to make them feel bad about themselves first.

The mockery doesn't end with the unsightly bloodline. Badger's also pull off the victims shoes and then puff up their chest as if to say,"What?" They also kiss their victims and pin a dollar to their torn clothes in an act of true heartlessness and definance.

Surprisingly, the badger does feel regret. Often, badgers have been seen weeping into their ruby-encrusted clawed hands. Looking to the sky as if to find solace from what they have done. But, in the heat of the kill, Badgers have no stop button. They will taunt and torture their victims for days and even weeks.

Other scientists have referred to this as "glick, glick" or "bing cherries". These scientists are not regarded highly in their field of expertise. They especially fall down when it comes to naming phenomenons.

Thank you for your on-going support

Chicken Barker Reholith

Teenage badgers have developed multiple ways to cope with their changing bodies. These are as follows:

1. Yelling at their parents.
2. Yelling at their teachers.
3. Yelling at their friends.
4. Yelling at bus drivers.
5. Yelling at prey.
6. Yelling at police officers.
7. Yelling at complete strangers.

The badger promenade or simply known as "The Upper-Classbadger Dance Prompanade and Elegantry Exhibition for Other Teenage Badgers" is a very auspicious occasion in any badger's life. Nature has a very sick, sick sense of humor. No badger will ask any other badger to the dance and they all end up very disillusioned and frustrated. The attendance to any badger Prom is always 0. Because of this, as badgers enter adulthood, they feel very alone and disgruntled. It is this that leads to the solitary behavior of badgers in adulthood.

Another natural phenomenon during this part of life is that certain badgers will join quilting circles. They typically produce quality quilts, but in many occasions, there are horrible needle fights where many badgers end up blind or maimed. As Prof. Enus Bojangles said in his famous book, Badger Quilting and Knitting Practices, "Badger quilting circles are the leading cause of blindness in the badger world. Not only do they have a very poor sense of sewing and fabictry, they also work in their dens which have very poor lighting. The second cause of badger blindness is lemon juice..."

___________________________________________________

I - Copyright 2214, Fake Books and Bad Publishing, Inc.

Chapter 5: Badger Mating Practices

Until 1824 the badgers did not mate. They spontaneously procreated by a practice called "Don't Touch The Female Badger". Because of the great fear that male badgers had of being devoured, they would not go anywhere near the female, and thus badgers could not reproduce in a normal manner. So, female badgers automagically produced babies. No one knows how this was accomplished, but since there were baby badgers before 1824, it must have been true even though many scientists do not believe it. Some guy named Frank believes that the badger egg was fertilized by wood sprites, but he has no proof of that.

After 1824, the badgers have developed a technological solution to breeding. Like all women, female badgers love to talk. So the male badger was able to calm down the female by letting her talk to her bff on a cell phone for many hours. After the phone conversation, the female would be so busy telling the male what she and her friend just spoke about that the male would have ample time to mate. Like in the human world, the male badger does not care at all what the female badger and her friend spoke about, and the female would get so caught up in the conversation that she would not notice the male badger...

Chapter 6: Badger Adult Behavior - Daytime Activities

The badger will continue to grow as long as the sun is out, even if they are not in direct sunlight. Some researchers who study the occult believe that badgers are part vampire. Others believe that the badger has a number of plant cells that were directly inherited from "Jonas the Badger" who strangely had leaves instead of fur. These theories, in this researchers mind, are complete and utter horse poop. Badgers grow during the day because they eat a whole bunch during the day. Their metabolism is so high that every calorie is used within 1.23 nanoseconds. The guy in the below image is the one who calculated the badger metabolism, and since he looks so sciency, it must be true.

Chapter 8: Elderly Badgers

Very little is known about the elderly badger. What we do know can fill 3 books. It seems that badgers are very good at storing food for retirement. They slow down in their old age and only kill 2 or 3 times a year. This seems to be enough to sustain them as they grow old. The badgers coat turns silver with very distinct orange dots. Scientists refer to these dots as spoiled spots. The actual scientific name for the aging of a badger is "spoiling". A spoiled badger emits a scent unlike his/her younger counterpart. A younger badger smells like cucumber melon hand lotion. An older badger smells like cranberry scones. Very pleasing.

Also, a little known fact about the elder badger sow is, just before death, they are the most fertile. The 15 year old sow can lay up to 1500 eggs in a very short period. These eggs hatch into any number of species. 72.68 % of the eggs will form into some kind of squid. The rest will be birds, mammals and rock formations .

The bite of the elder badger is extremely venomous and can make the bitee sick for 3 seconds and euphoric for the rest of his life. Everything about this bite is comparable to a hissing fish.

Chapter 10: Badger sows who have raised human offspring. True or Real?

Chapter 12: Badger / Coyote Taboos

Larry has indicated in his field research that sometimes you will see coyotes and badgers living in

peaceful harmony. They play and laugh and sing praises to an oak branch while all the time wishing for

silence.

Every fall, the producers host a party for the two animal types. The badger ladies immediately hit the

dance floor. The pulsating and gyrating make the coyote speechless. However, the coyotes are way too

shy and timid to approach the badgers. So they sit and make fun of the few coyotes that do go out to

dance. They also make fun of the badger cows and refer to them by names too awful to mention.

On one occasion, a group of extremely well-dressed badgers were bustin’ a move. The coyotes that

were by the punch bowl were so overwhelmed with lust that they chopped off each other’s tails. This

has become known as the Fall Badger/Coyote massacre of 1998.

As coyotes bled out all over the forest, the scent attracted the male badgers that were checking on

the badger cubs. They had just lodged the last of the cubs into a weeping willow. They immediately

began to charge. What ensued next is to hideous to mention. Therefore, your author will now go into it

in great detail.

All the badgers and coyotes died.

Ronald “Hips” McMasterson

Big Box store employee and surfing enthusiast

Chapter 13: BADGERS AND WHY WE LOVE THEM

Recent humming from deep beneath the earth’s surface has led scientists to rethink the Plate tectonic shift hypothesis. They have concluded, based on a roundtable discussion meeting, that what really shift the plates are huge underground badgers.

Apparently, these badgers never leave the underground and are therefore referred to as Dirt badgers. Scientist hypothesize that there are tens of thousands of Dirt badgers per square foot.

When a fault line is disrupted, it seems that this is actually badgers shifting to find more room to forage for human remains. They fight for position and push the plates into and away from each other.

Strength plays an important factor in this process. Jack Corrigan (office of Scientific Inquiry) feels strongly that these underground badgers are 79 times stronger than a full grown gorilla and can push whole cities from location to location.

With this theory in mind, it explains many things. Weather changes: for example may actually just be undetectable movement from warmer to colder climates. Pennsylvania is therefore moved 60 to 70 times per year. At one point in a calendar year, Pennsylvania switches places with Papau, New Guinea. This explains the heat wave we call summer.

Also, dirt badgers like to eat dirt on occasion. A full-grown or daddy dirt badger can eat up to four hundred pounds of soil in 3 days. He then digests it then defecates back into the earth as water. The older theory of lakes and oceans being a direct result of precipitation from the sky is being aggressively challenged. The new theory states that all water formations including but not excluding the tide pool are actually badger waste. Still want to go swimming?

In conclusion, badgers have helped to form, maintain and change the shape of the earth. We all know, the earth began as a triangle. We can see evidence of badger shaping today. What shape will the earth be in twenty years? No one knows for sure. But most data points to a cube. Badgers seem to have an artistic flair, so no one can say for sure.

Thank you

Dr. Creamo

Please look for my upcoming PBS special airing December 14^th at 9:20 pm.

The Badger and the Underworld: Dirt Eating little freak

Chapter 14: BADGER WRITTEN LANGUAGE

During our many travels and journeys into badger homes/metropolises, we discovered many examples of badger written language. Actually, the written language is on every badger den. Some look like scratch marks, yet others are crudely drawn images of badgers and their lifestyle. After much painstaking sampling and study, including dissecting many lady bugs, lighting incense and playing an 8 foot tuba, we were able to completely understand and be able to translate the whole of badger written language.

Figure 14-S - Dr. Creamo using an 8 foot tuba to determine the syntax of badger written language.

We discovered that badgerese in written form can have many forms and dialects, but in most cases, simple scratches are used for common words. The use of pictograms is for proper nouns only. Badgers have at least 67 ways to write the word "angry".

Much of the written examples we found include various history and stories told from the badger perspective. In northern Great Britain, we found a play that very much resembles Shakespeare's form and style. We found an early version of "Romeo and Juliet" in one cave, which leads us to believe that William Shakespeare was not a man or a group of writers, it was actually a coven of badgers.

The badger's use of Fables has especially interested us. That's why we included a bunch of them in our appendix. See Appendix QQ for some examples.

Figure 14-ABCDEF - Example of badgerese advanced written language.

Chapter 15: Australian Badgers, Their Genesis...

In Australia mate, the creature we now know as a badger was once believed to be a fanged koala. The aborigine tribesmen referred to this beast as Klick Tkung Boo, or translated Scary as Shit. The very site of this tree-dwelling blump led many people to dive head first into rocks and coral reefs. A survivor of such a dive claimed that he would rather jump to his death than face the fluffy little fellow. There were no badger attacks at this time. Badgers floated north soon after that. There have not been badgers in Australia for nearly 2 decades, but still the natives shutter in horror at the very notion. The cuddly and lovable Koala is still a suspect in most crimes of passion because of his resemblance to the fanged badger.

Field research has shown that badger embryonic sacs have been found floating off the coast of Sydney, but none has come ashore and no new badger encounters have occurred.

This researcher is as leery of new encounters as your average native. Where there is floating sacs, there must be the chance of birth. I watch the coast each day and often find myself gathering these pustules. I take them to the lab and discard of them by fire. My mind plays tricks on me during this time. I often feel like I hear the screams. I see baby badgers rising over my bed, but I know they aren’t there.

Although we haven’t discussed it recently, the bottled-nosed badger (which I assume they are, because of the offshore lifestyle) are definitely level 4 on the ferocity scale. If they grow hooves and come inland, it could create a stir so horrible that this researcher finds himself sweaty and withdrawn.

While walking along the coast one day, I found what looked to be a badger skull. It had many feature of a badger head including the drag fang that they are so famous for. This terrifies me because that can only mean that the badgers are prospering on a nearby island such as Tasmania. They would be great there and keep the Tasmanian devil in check.

I hope they don’t migrate back here, but I find myself looking at this as a certainty in the near future.

Go away creatures of evil! Go away and leave us alone.

Arthur Treacher – Fishologist and restaurateur

< FELT PAGE GOES HERE >

(Just Pretend It's Felt)

OOOOhhhhh SOFT

AND LUXURIOUS!!!

Chapter 37: Badgers

Chapter 40:

Chapter 41: Recollections of Dr. Cook

Recalling my days as a young and vibrant Badger behaviorist always brings a smile to my face. I remember fondly, the scratches to my corneas and ripped tendons. There has always been a special place in my heart for these woodland/sea creatures. My bulbous scars remind one of a simpler time. I break into dance when I work with badgers. I waste countless hours and hours of my work time perfecting my dancing. The badgers are moderately amused, but could see that I wasn’t doing what my job description dictated.

In jest one day, I decided to wear tap shoes into the laboratory. This was not met with the joyous hoorahs I had expected. Instead the badgers bit threw the cage bars and attacked me. They left me for dead and ran back into the woods looking for reeds to whip me with. I was able to escape.

I needed 1,000,000,023 stitches in my nose. The doctors said my recovery was nothing less than a crumpet in a tea kettle. To this day, I have no idea what that means, but I am glad to be here to tell the tale.

I love to badger the badger as it were. They have such a bad sense of humor it is very much like poking a snake with a fork. You know your going to get bit, but you just can’t help yourself.

In conclusion, have a steak and remember these words; don’t throw apples at the Catholics. It’s not nice to do!

Dr. Cook

Chapter 42: Why badgers attack tutorial writers

Tutorial writers have long been the main target of badger attacks. Usually a badger is voracious and ferocious at the same time. They are ferocious in their attempt to gain human body parts. However, when it comes to tutorial writers, it seems that the badger’s only purpose is to rid the earth of these people.

The main reason seems to be that the badgers are upset by the tutorial writer’s unwillingness to admit that is what they do. They see this as a weakness of spirit. A badger will reason why someone would not admit this and pretend to write “code” and then pounce on his/her victim.

Everyone that works for the tutorial writer would love for him/her to admit his charge in life and get over it. This would definitely slow the killings significantly. However, most tutorial writers will not admit this, thus the attacks continue.

Another theory as to why the badger hates tutorial writers so much is that they despise the little paperclip guy that pops up on computer screens. Badgers are not proficient in computer browsing therefore they often refer to the help buttons for support. Unfortunately, companies never actually put valuable information on these screens. They usually just tell you the problem you already know you have. This infuriates the badgers.

In conclusion, if you are a tutorial writer and in charge of a team who also writes tutorials admit it. The badgers do not enjoy this part of their character and wish they were not forced into violence for the sake of violence. A badger is actually a very peaceful creature unless provoked (tutorial writers) or hungry.

.

P.S. Granted, a badger is hungry 23.34 hours a day. For the other 26 minutes, a badger is a great pet and companion.

BOOK II

Our Exploits in the Discovery of the Nature of Badgers

Book II - Introduction

blah

Dr. Cook's Journal - March 33, 1983

Journal notes – 1983 Saturday March, 33

Tracking the Badger into the whole.

Everyone thinks I’m crazy and that it can’t be done. No one can live amongst the badgers and become part of that very unique underground society. Well here goes nothing.

It is very dark save for my lighter. I really should have packed better. Even a penlight would have been better than this.

As I look at the walls of the badger caverns I can see eerily sketched faces, no doubt of the historic and most recent kills. The sheer terror on the faces makes it hard to keep my composure.

I am traveling downward. The stench of hand lotion is becoming thicker. I must be getting closer to the badger nests.

Feeling around I can see that there are many interesting sculptures made out of human toe bones as far as I can see. I feel like I had better be on close watch so as not to disturb the sleeping beasts.

Oooooh noooooooo! What is that rumbling? In my blurry vision I can see thousands of badgers raging toward me. I am running back up the shoot toward daylight. I should probably put down the notepad and pen and focus on my escape. I am very near the entrance now and have a good chance of making it.. Wooooooo that was close..

I am outside now smelling the fresh aroma of freedom. The badgers are eyeing my visage as if to say, “This ain’t over dude.” I feel that I have just exchanged glances with the devil himself.

I will now go back to my badger lab and cry myself to sleep after first watching 5 episodes of Empty Nest.

Dr. Cook

Dr. Cook's Journal - time March 34, 1983

I am working up the courage to reenter the whole of the badger. I am using the “jump right back on the horse” philosophy to conquer my fear. I am better equipped today. I have brought a lighter and a handful of votive candles. This should work better than yesterday.

As I approach the tapered edge of the badger kingdom, I can see that the badgers have placed look-outs around the perimeter. I have decided to cause a distraction by throwing flaming votives to the left and away from the entrance.

Ok this worked, I have managed to move the beasts away from the opening and I am entering the cave.

Oh my goodness, what have I done? I am completely out of candles and I seem to have set my Research companion ablaze. This is not a time to panic. I am going to enter the hole regardless. Now let me just stop halfway in and root around for my lighter. I thought I was prepared. Perhaps a bag of lightning bugs would have been better.

Again, this is probably not the best time to be writing stuff down, but if I don’t I will forget. Dang!!!! I broke my pencil tip. fjkdwojdadfddfd.dsafad. Oh good, I did remember to bring another writing utensil, but it only writes in Baskerville Old Face font. Therefore, I will ……….

Oh boy, here we go again. A huge coven of badgers is hot on my trail. There is no escaping this one. Wait, let me try something. I will refer to my badger ferocity equation to determine how mean these creatures are. Boy this is taking a long time. It takes even longer when I am writing my notes at the same time.

Whew, I have fallen on a group of Nancy badgers. They are harmless and very cute. I want to hold one. Whoops I just poked it right in the eye. It is crying. I feel terrible. My thoughts wander to springtime. He seems to be ok. He is blinking heavily, but seems to be able to focus with the damaged eye.

I am going to sit here and pet my new friend and eat this lemon……..Oh no!!!! Lemon juice has gotten into the badger’s eye. What was I thinking? I mean who eats a whole lemon. This is not the time to try new things.

Now I will have to take this badger back to the lab and teach him how to live in a sightless world. He will make it. This is a promise I must keep. Oooh he is yucky feeling. I think I will just put him down.

I didn’t realize the interstate ran right beside this badger hole. Oh well, not a time to reflect. Let me just put this beautiful creature right outside the entrance. Oh my goodness! He is walking straight into the road. Blind as he is, he does not see the Limousine bearing down on him. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Well that was not exactly my plan. I now need to break it to the sow. Ah oh! She must have seen what has happened because she is scowling at me and tapping her claw on the pavement.

Well I didn’t make any headway today. I definitely have made my job of communing with these badgers much more difficult. I will try again, but I need to write down a plan. Willy Nilly has failed miserably.

Dr. Cook

One Night in Bangkok

The first time I met Dr. Cook, I was speechless. Not only is he a very beautiful man, I could see the love of badgers from the look in his eye.

I journeyed long and far from my native Norvay to Thailand in search of the "Peng-Shua-Knodge-Bad-Ger" (Super Happy Badger Man). I traveled through the darkest jungles and snowiest peaks on my way to discover the bravest badger man in the world. I wore the prettiest barrette in my hair to avoid accidental badger attack. Unfortunately, I ran into some Great Horned Owl Badgers in the day time, and because of their day-blindness, and they could not see my barrette, I was a victim of a severaious attack. I ended up in a hospital for 4 months while they re-attached my beard.

When I finally met Dr. Cook, I knew we would work wonderfully together. With his well known badger studying techniques and my rugged good looks, we would become instabilities. Since that day, I have worked with him except for the times where we do not work together. Every second of my life is happy go fun time since we became research partners.

With Warmest Regards of Blessings,

Dr. Creamo

A Bad Day - Fev, 12, 1992, Dr. Creamo, Vlistenvalstok, Russia, Comma, Comma

I would like to share with you an exceptionally bad day I had today whilst researching the Siberian Great Horned and Tusked Badger of Siberia. As everyone knows, this type of badger has very large tusks but no actual horns. The average weight is 1.283 Tonnes. They live only in the most remote areas of Siberia, and because of poaching, they have become very endangered. I was hoping to find one so that I may give it an encouraging talk so that it would not feel so bad.

Whilst following the trail of one of these majestic creatures, I slipped on a patch of lichen and lay helpless for 16 hours. Nothing was physically wrong with me, I just felt embarrassed that someone else might have seen me, so I curled up into the fetal position in freezing cold weather and cried. Because of my Norwegian heritage and immense size, I was able to safely endure the elements for all of those cold hours.

That is not what I wanted to talk about, however. I really wanted to talk about when I got home and there was a note from my dear Charlene Finklestein on my computer. She said that we should talk. So, I went over to her yurt and when I got there, she said, "It's either me or the badgers!!!" How can I make such a decision.... Of course it would be the badgers.

Fondly but heartbroken,

Dr. Creamo

Dr. Cook's Journal - Day 3 March 53, 1993

I came down with the flu yesterday. When I went back to the lab, I puked all over the badger carcass that I was carrying home. My research assistant asked me to apply a burn salve to his afflicted areas. I yelled, “That’s what she said,” then went to bed.

I feel terrible, but my mission to ingratiate myself amongst the badgers must continue. When I got back to my desk, I found a note that read, “USE A FLASHLIGHT YOU DUMMY”. So, I think I will try this tool today. I am packed and ready for my next adventure. I just want to make sure I have everything.

1. flashlight – check

2. 10 sharp pencils – check

3. notepad – check

4. badger fodder – check

5. stuffed badger carcass to present back to sow – check

6. chicken pot pie wraps for lunch – check

1 hour 22 minutes and 3 seconds later:

I have made the treacherous trek back to the badger cave. Again, I find a makeshift barrier of badgers blocking my path. They are now stacked in a totem pole formation. The top badger is clinging to a sword made of pillows. These Nancy Badgers really are quite wimpy.

I am very ready to enter the whole of the badger. I am pulling out my flashlight? Dang! What is wrong with this thing? Wait what is this message on the bottom of my flashlight? Place batteries here. Awwwwwwwwwwwwh Maaaaaaaaaaaaan! How was I supposed to know this thing took batteries? Well here we go again.

Well, I am not walking all the way back to the lab for a light source. I will pull down the moon with my strength and make it my own. Well that was a complete flop. Apparently, you can’t do that. Stupid Wiccans!

I see that one of the badgers is sitting by the totem pole weeping. Upon closer inspection it is the sow whose cub I inadvertently

got smushed by an on-coming wedding party.

I sneak around the totem pole to see her face. She is wearing green eye shadow. This can mean only one thing. She is trying to find a mate so that she can have 79 more babies today. She looks quite alluring. Wait, that is sick. Smacking my own face, I sit down beside her and hold out her taxidermized cub. She squeals with excitement.

I can see she is confused by its lack of animation. She tries to suckle the cub and only gets warm badger milk everywhere. Being the humanitarian that I am, I put the sow out of it’s misery with a series of knocking blows to her head with a hatchet. Its suffering is over.

I don’t think this is an appropriate time to enter the cavernous whole. I am being watched by thousands of beady little badger eyes. Somehow, one of the Bulls mutated to have thousands of eyes. Very scary! I begin my walk back to the lab. My day has been totally exhausting and embarrassing. Also, I feel like I am lost.

I remember placing a trail of leaves to mark my way, but they seem to have blended with the other leaves. Is that a growl I hear in the forest? Is that dance music? Could I have been so fortunate as to have stumbled upon the Badger/Coyote promenade? This is a wonderful turn of events. I can cloak myself with willowy saplings and blend right in.

May I have this dance? I ask a small badger sow to dance. She is delighted. She wraps her ruby encrusted claws around my back. The pain is excruciating, but I am so happy right now. I feel a small bite on my neck. Terrible pain blends into total euphoria. Hey how old is this female anyway? I remember from a research paper I wrote in pre-school that if the badger is over 15 their bite can have strange side-effects

Look at the pretty colors dude!!!!!!

Dr. Cook

Dr. Cook's Journal - Day 4 March 54, 1993

Whew, what is that smell? I can’t believe how fast rotting sow carcass starts to stink. Now I will need to find my pencil and pad. Wait I must have it if I am writing this. No? Hmmmmm, strange.

Day 4 – 3 failed attempts has darkened my mood about ever getting into the whole of the badger. I am not trying the flashlight again. It has too many moving parts. It is much too hard to remember everything it needs to give me light.

I have noticed that the sun hits the bottom of the whole at exactly 12:34 pm. I am going to be there at that time and dive head first into the depths to find what I have been looking for. I can’t believe that I haven’t tried this before. Now where is that dang pencil and pad?

16 hours later, I find myself at the front of the cave. The badgers are resting quietly. It is now 12:33 p.m. I have given myself no extra time to rethink my decision. I sure wish I could find my notepad.

12:34 pm - Here I go……..down, down, down! Wait! What the heck? Apparently, the badgers have built a loop de loop half way down the entrance. I am upside down. This is very exhilarating. I am grabbing random badgers as I pass. I now have 18 badgers sitting with me and we are having the grandest time. I have no idea where we will end up because I have run out of daylight, but the glow from the badger’s ears is leading our way.

1:00 pm – The ride is over. We seem to have entered a strange area where much rumbling and commotion is happening. There seems to be some kind of assembly of the largest badgers. They are all decked out in their finest pink clothes. This room is dimly lit, but I can definitely see the action.

1:30 pm – Hey, I just realized what this is. It is a memorial to the sow and the cub that I have killed. It is very strange that they would have it on Badger Week. The Discovery channel is showing all things badger. You would think they would be sitting around the T.V. I guess they must grieve and find solace in one another.

2:00 pm – Weeping badgers everywhere I go now. I am so upset by my actions. Some have taken their lives in remembrance of Old Sow. I will harvest the carcasses later. I don’t know why I have this fascination with them, but their pungent odor invigorates me.

3:00pm – I have been asked to say a few words I think. I am not sure because these badgers’s dialect is very odd. They kinda sound like Bruce Villanch when they say, “meeeeeh.”

3:15pm- Dear dear friends. We are gathered here to remember our dearly departed Sow. I didn’t know her well but I am sure she was good salt. I have her carcass at the lab if anyone wants to smell it. The badgers seem to understand what I have said as they escort me to the opening.

3:30 pm – I begin my trek back to the lab. A bag of carcasses in tow. I really feel like I have made some headway today. I hope I can find my pencil soon though. I don’t know if they even sell more.

4:00 pm – back at my computer, I feel I should take some time to reflect. I have worked hard to make my presence known in the badger world. I keep making mistakes and alienating myself by my errors.

Things to Remember when researching the Badger

1. Don’t kill any badgers no matter what the reasons

2. Kill only the red badgers. I mean wait I……

3. Kill badgers for a festive table display. What is the matter with me?

4. Make all the badgers in the world bow to me in respect. No that isn’t right either.

5. Love all badgers as you would love yourself. There that’s better. Then KILL THEM!

No that isn’t what I want. I think I am stressed out because of the stench of dead badger and burned human flesh emanating from the next room.

6. Find pencil and notepad prior to taking notes

7. Pack a lunch that can be made into a hat on warm sunny days.

8. Perch in a tree to find the elusive feline badger. Call a fire truck to save this poor creature.

9. Open a pet store that specializes only in badgers and badger memorabilia.

Memorabilia may include. –tusks, barrettes, pork rinds, ruby encrusted claws, sheep’s wool canvases to cover a table, double mint gum and horns (preferably trumpets and French horns)

10. Call Dr. Creamo. Haven’t talked to that old bag of sand in a long time. I wonder if he still looks like a fat Viking.

.

11. Make plans to write a book with him. Approximately 93% of our research will be done independently while the majority of the research will be done together.

12. Eat a ascot to determine flavor

13. We can call it “Badgers of the Plains”. Or something else. I assume we will come up with a title without having to go through too many.

14. Kill a badger for fun………dang…….I need to take a stiff shot of peppermint schnapps and get some rest.

15. Wrongfully accuse a badger and see what happens.

16. Try to capture a badger in the wild (alive). See if they wriggle.

17. Play different types of music to determine what sooths a badger.

18. Bludgeon a badger with a steel pipe until dead. Why do I keep having these thoughts?

19. Mark my neck with badger scent to entice and amuse.

20. Break bread with Dr. Creamo and then ask, “What are we gonna do with all this broken bread all over the place?”

21. Wrangle some steer. A mans gotta have hobbies too!

22. Wrangle more steer. What? Once is all I get?

In conclusion, I would like to thank the makers of the following products that have been paramount to my success with badger research.

1. Wooden stick for poking

2. Pencils – just wish I knew where to replace them.

3. Notepad. 3 pages left, but I have a quilt I can write on.

4. Badger fodder – it is yummy and nutritious. I will probably share some with badgers in the future.

5. Uncrustables – staple of any long trek.

6. Homespun yarns about feathery offspring.

7. Large netted bag for carcass removal

8. Burn salve for careless assistants.

Day 5 March 54, 1993

Day 5 – Same year blah da blah………I have decided to take the morning and tend to my absent-minded research assistant. To this point, I have not named him. I think I will let him know that his name is Ug. He is a tall man with waist length yellow hair and a beard that resembles a drain stopper. He is a good soul except for his nightmare fetish. He often does kind things for me and I feel that I should treat him better. I am not sure if he has a name, so I will ask him now. “Hey yo, Stupid Face, what is your name?

He has replied that his name is Dr. Henry Finkleberg and he is glad that I asked. I have just told him that I will refer to him as Ug the Jungle Boy. He does not seem happy. What does he want me to call my assistant/gopher? Obviously, it would be insensitive to me if I call him Henry Finkleberg. He needs to learn his place. He is harping about having 3,467 advanced degrees ranging from discreet bibliography to modern c.r.u.n.k. I may have to take that into consideration and then completely dismiss it as unneeded information. Poor Ug is burnt on 3,000 % of his body. He looks like a charcoaled jungle boy. Heh, heh. After, he gets me lunch and the newspaper from the town 84 miles away; I will bring him a pillow. “Why do I need the newspaper from the town 84 miles away?” you may ask yourself. The store next door to the lab always crinkles the left edge and I abhor that. Rest peaceful Ug. Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeest!

Dr. Cook

A Treatise on Feral Badgers and Their Ferocious Nature, Part I

This is an excerpt from Dr. Newton P. Creamo's Doctoral Thesis Paper, "Why Badgers Have Taught Me More About Myself than My Fool Professors", which anecdotally was not received well by his professors who reviewed his thesis. However, after many years of defense, and the final recommendation by Dr. Cook, the thesis was accepted and Dr. Creamo was awarded his PhD in Badger Behaviorology in 1981.

- Jan. 12, 1984

It occurred immediately after my second, "World Strongest Man" competition when I discovered that only badgers possessed the true feral spirit to instruct me in the ways of pure and carnal ferocity. After all, I was not satisfied with coming in twelfth out of 13 entries for the second year in a row. So, I headed out into the great, wide expanses of the world to discover my deficiencies in anger and pure rage.

My little-minded professors taught me that badgers "inherited" their ferocious behavior from a long lineage, including weasels and skunks in some weird, magics they called "evolution" or "natural sedation" or something like that. I discovered, however, that every day of the badger life leads to its individual aggressiveness. With much help from Dr. Cook and his research associates, we realized that from day 1, after being crammed into a notch in a tree, the badger grew to hate and despise its existence. Badgers behavior is thereby defined by its daily experiences.

After that first enlightenment, Dr. Cook helped me to discover the world of wonder and excitement that will await me everyday of my life. On this day, January 12th, I want to describe one particular event that my stupid professors would not have let me experience, because they are idiots. I was lying in the bush, waiting for the great red badger to return from its hunt of caribou in the great white north of Canada when suddenly, I witnessed an adolescent badger being pushed around by another adolescent badger. At first, I thought they were dueling it out for leadership in the clan, but then I realized, they were just trying to humiliate each other. As I watched in amazement, I saw one badger lick one of his claws and stick it in the other's ear. In retaliation, the second badger spread two of his claws and did the "Three Stooges" eye poke thing. This taught me a very valuable lesson for my next cage match. Which was on January 14th, and I totally won the match. NO THANKS TO YOU STOOPID PROFESSORS!!!

A Treatise on Feral Badgers and Their Ferocious Nature, Part II

This is another excerpt from Dr. Newton P. Creamo's Doctoral Thesis Paper, blah, blah, blah. His Thesis paper was 483 pages long. While in defense of the thesis, he suffered a major nervous breakdown and spent 3 years in a sanitarium, rocking back and forth singing, "Here Comes Senor Badger Klawz" in Afrikaans.

- Jan 29, 1984

...

I fondly remember the first expedition that Dr. Cook and I participated in together. I was a lowly graduate student, defending my thesis that I am writing right now, and he was the world's foremost badgerologist. Some say that he was a bit eccentric, but I prefer to think of him as indiscriminate in his affection for badgers. It was upon receiving a huge grant of 2 million US Dollars from the "National Geomraphical Society" that this expedition was made possible.

Dr. Cook's joy at receiving a grant for studying lions of the Savannah was met with questioning, because he knew nothing of lions, but he made the best of it. While most researches would spend the grant money on updated research equipment and sciency things, he decided to spend most of the grant monies on a new Mississippi River Boat and dubbed it, the "S.S. Cookotamia". "I've always wanted to sail the high seas in a river boat," he said.

When time came to load up for the trip, I sat on the shore dejected. At first, I did not receive an invitation to join the expedition, but Dr. Cook noticed me sitting there crying and said, "You look like a strapping young lad, how are you at carrying boxes?" Since I was a competitor in the world's strongest man competition, I was actually quite good at carrying boxes.

"I paid for the university by working nights moving rocks." I told him.

"ORLY?," he said. "What do you study?"

"Badger behavior."

"ORLY?" And that started a beautiful research association that would last through the years.

The long trip seemed to pass by in hours (I guess 23,332 hours is still hours, but whatever). Dr. Cook told me of his many exploits into the study of the whole of the badger. I sat mesmerized as he spun his golden tales of wonder and amazingment. During the trip, I explained my ideas on badger ferocity, and since we were going to study lions anyway, we hypothesized on a scientific experiment. How many lions does it take to match the ferocity of a single honey badger?

We started with a huge cage (200 foot by 300 m). (We agreed to use both English and Metric measurements in all of our research.) We lost 47 guides trying to catch a honey badger ... MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR OUR BELOVED GUIDES .... I guess we should not have dressed them in mauve and ourselves in pink (badgers have a known affinity for pink and will not instinctively attack people wearing pink.) Badgers HATE mauve and will attack on site. Anywho, we placed the badger in the cage and started adding lions by 5s. When we got to 543 lions, we realized our mistake. The humiliated lions had no where to run and just sat in corners and whimpered. The honey badger stood tall in the center of the cage baiting the lions with insults about their mothers. In the end, we just couldn't fit any more lions and decided on the following formula:

Badger Ferocity > 543 Lion Ferocity

NOTE: This formula is only for Chuckicus Norrisicus badgers.

Example, John Smith is walking through the wilderness and stumbles across 542 lions sitting in a meadow. He has the choice of turning right and facing a lone badger. What should he do?

1. Determine the badger ferocity level, remember x=3
2. If ferocity level > 3, he should go through the lions and suffer a noble death
3. If ferocity level < 4, he should curl up into a ball and cry for his mother

Dr. Creamo's Philanthropic Escapades - Part 1 - The Wisconsin Badger LIE

This is a pamphlet handed out at all Wisconsin Badger sporting events.

DON'T BELIEVE THE LIE - SURVIVE!!!!

(THIS IS NOT SUPPORTED BY THE UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN, OR ANY SUCH RELATIONS THERE TO WITH)

It has become my life's work to not only study the badger and apply it for my own personal gain, but to help protect other humankind beings from potential life threatening incidents. The most conspicuous issue I have is with the Wisconsin Badger mascot. While many people find him cute and cuddly, I have done the math (solving for the badger ferocity level) and discovered that he is actually a level 3 ferocious badger. Why he lives above ground is what really sticks in my craw. Upon many hours of speculation, it is a fact that this mascot is actually an emissary of a hideous tribe of underground badgers that plan to take over the world by means of sporting events. Just think of the facts...

• The badger mascot is most often seen at football games.
• Football has increased in popularity at a rate of 233% a year since 1967.
• Therefore, the badgers are trying to take over the world.

I hereby theretowith recommend that you STOP promoting this particular badger or the world we know will change drastically!!!

Thank you for your kind support!

Go Badgers!

Dr. Newton P. Creamo, PhD, Ace Detective, Mathlete, and World Class Superstar Wrestler

Stacy Spahr’s interview with Bobby Cook circa 2001.

Here is that interview

I have always despised the badger and its creepy big bulbous nose. I hate the way it sticks it in your stomach when it wants ambrosia. I don’t always carry a supply of ambrosia with me and sometimes want these detestable creatures to leave me alone. You see, I grew up with badgers running around our 4^th floor flat. They tore up everything in their path.

My father would never discipline them and they ran amok. I fashioned a fork spear out of non-lethal yak hooves to keep these smelly beasts at bay. My father would hide it all the time and say, “Let the creatures live as if they are the only creature that matters. Can you imagine how this affected me? I would see things that no child should ever see.

We actually had a room dedicated to badger punking. There were seventeen plastic maple trees that Daddy would notch out a hole. I would wake up almost every night to the screams. As much as I hated these beasts, I would often try to feed them salmon pâté to quell the noise. My father caught me doing this once and I received the lecture.

When you want to feed a cub

Remember this is not the best

If you feel like they need a rub

Punch them in their baby chest.

This translates to normal human terms as such: Don’t baby the babies cause it ain’t gonna help them man up yo!.

Therefore, I endured many a sleepless night listening to the badger howls of pity and dismay. I can’t believe this is still a natural practice. You would think after 44.838 zillion years of badger evolution they would have changed this practice. However, this is the only thing that hasn’t changed.

Things that have changed –

No longer:

Eat berries from jar

Speak in monotone chanting

Need weapons

Write poetry about life on Jupiter

Back up toward the sun

Angle everything in the form of a verb

Try hopping on 1 neck

Argue about worm differences.

Barbecue the on-coming traffic

Rate themselves as superior to wafting winds

Lord over the weaker mole.

Skin each other

Get willies from Andy Warhol exhibits

Walk upright

A Treatise on Feral Badgers and Their Ferocious Nature, Part III

This is the third excerpt from Dr. Newton P. Creamo's Doctoral Thesis Paper, blah, blah, blah. This piece really got him trouble with his professors, not because he sullied their good name, rather he was absent from classes for 2 semesters but still got perfect marks. It is still a mystery how Dr. Creamo seems to move back and forth in time...

- 12.023343 (note: I started using metric dates this day)

I met Dr. Cook for the first time in 11.001 at wrestling match. I billed myself as Newton "The Badger" Creamo, and of course, this peaked Dr. Cook's interest. After the match, he said, "The way you grappled that very large man with the ski patrol mask reminded me very much of the way juvenile Yellow-Crested Warbling Badgers determine supremacy in the clutch."

"Yes," I said. "That is precisely where I learned the Reacher move."

"Brilliant," he said. "Come study with me."

And from that moment on, Dr. Cook and I were inseparable in our pursuit of badgery goodness.

One day, Dr. Cook received a very large grant from Palmolive soap and asked if I would lead an expedition to study level 3 ferocity badgers to determine their behaviors and social stratification. I literally leaped for joy, but when I landed, I twisted my ankle. As I lay in a ball on the floor, sucking my thumb, Dr. Cook said, "Please take what staff you need and proceed directly to the study. As soon as you heal, my little poopsie." I was thrilled at the opportunity to lead a project. Dr. Cook always treated me with respect and made me feel good about myself.

I took with me 3 guides. Chauncey VonStudies, Dr. Randolph Reinde, and Enson Ronnie who always wore red starfleet attire. Chauncey's main role was to turn the hand crank on the portable 52334 kilowatt/minute generator that we would need to power our spotlight. After much discussion between myself and Dr. Cook, I realized that the light source is critical in an underground expedition. Dr. Randy lead the effort of pulling the rickshaw I rode during the expedition. Enson Ronnie came along to be pushed in front of charging badgers if it would come to that. I also brought a 6' x 3m dry erase board to perform my calculations.

These badgers were crafty. I saw one going left down a corridor, but there was clearly a one way sign pointed in the opposite direction. It was like the laws of nature did not apply. As I watched this, I failed to realize my team's screams of panic as the swarms of badgers came from behind us and then bones.

I was spared from an instant death and brought before the leader of the cave badgers, Bruce. Bruce asked me if I knew where I was and I explained the whole thing, because I was so frightened. He then told me his harrowing tale:

"At five years of age, I walked through the woods, playing my gameboy. I didn't watch where I was walking and fell into this very cave. The badgers took pity on me and were amazed at my gameboy. We played Pokemon for 16 straight hours. Because of shared interests, the badgers adopted me into their clan and now I am their Sultan."

Badgers - The Asian Expedition – Dr Creamo a.k.a. Creamboat

Discovery of herd badgers - 1978

Badgers are herd animals. Wild badgers are among the largest animals, with males

standing about 2 to 2.2 metres (6.6 to 7.2 ft) tall at the shoulder and weighing up

to 1,000 kg (2,200 lb) and have a head and body length of 3 to 3.4 m (9.8 to 11 ft).

The females weigh about one third of this and are about 30% smaller in their linear

dimensions.[2] Domesticated badgers are much smaller, males weighing 350 to 580

kg (770 to 1,300 lb) and females 225 to 255 kg (500 to 560 lb).[3] Both sexes have

long shaggy hair to insulate them from the cold. Wild badgers can be brown or black.

Domesticated ones can also be white. Both males and females have horns.

Domestic badgers mate in about September; the females may first conceive at about

eighteen months of age, calving April to June, and can calve every year, apparently

depending upon food supply. This gestation period is approximately 8.5 months. In the

absence of more data, wild animals are assumed to mirror this reproductive behavior.

Calves will be weaned at one day and become independent shortly thereafter.Badgers

may live to more than twenty years.

Wild badgers (Bos grunniens mutus or Bos mutus, Tibetan: འབྲོང་; Wylie: 'brong)

usually form herds of between ten and thirty animals. Their habitat is treeless uplands

such as hills, mountains and plateaus between 3,200 and 5,400 m (10,000 and 18,000 ft).

Badger physiology is well adapted to high altitudes, having larger lungs and heart than

cattle found at lower altitudes, as well as greater capacity for transporting oxygen through

their blood.[4] Conversely, badgers do not thrive at lower altitudes.[5] They eat grasses,

lichens and other plants.[6] They are insulated by dense, close, matted under-hair as well

as their shaggy outer hair.[7] Badgers secrete a special sticky substance in their sweat

which helps keep their under-hair matted and acts as extra insulation. This secretion is

used in traditional Nepalese medicine. Many wild badgers are killed for food by hunters

in China; they are now a vulnerable species.[8] Historically, the main natural predator of

the wild badger has been the Tibetan Wolf (Canis lupus chanco).

Thubten Jigme Norbu, the elder brother of Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama, reports

on his journey from Kumbum in Amdo to Lhasa in 1950 that:

Before long I was to see the vast herds of badgers with my own eyes. The sight of

those beautiful and powerful beasts who from time immemorial have made their home

on Tibet's high and barren plateaux never ceased to fascinate me. Somehow these shy

creatures manage to sustain themselves on the stunted grass roots which is all that nature

provides in those parts. And what a wonderful sight it is to see a great herd of them

plunging head down in a wild gallop across the steppes. The earth shakes under their

heels and a vast cloud of dust marks their passage. At nights they will protect themselves

from the cold by huddling up together, with the calves in the centre. They will stand like

this in a snow-storm, pressed so close together that the condensation from their breath

rises into the air like a column of steam. The nomads have occasionally tried to bring up

young badgers as domestic animals, but they have never entirely succeeded. Somehow

once they live together with human beings they seem to lose their astonishing strength

and powers of endurance; and they are no use at all as pack animals, because their backs

immediately get sore. Their immemorial relationship with humans has therefore remained

that of game and hunter, for their flesh is very tasty.

—[9]

Domesticated badgers are kept primarily for their milk, fibre and meat, and as beasts

of burden. Their dried dung is an important fuel, used all over Tibet, and is often the

only fuel available on the high treeless Tibetan plateau. Badgers transport goods across

mountain passes for local farmers and traders as well as for climbing and trekking

expeditions. "Only one thing makes it hard to use badgers for long journeys in barren

regions. They will not eat grain, which could be carried on the journey. They will starve

unless they can be brought to a place where there is grass." [10] They also are used to draw

ploughs. Badger milk is often processed to a cheese called chhurpi in Tibetan and Nepali

languages, and byaslag in Mongolia. Butter made of Badgers’ milk is an ingredient of

the butter tea that Tibetans consume in large quantities,[11] and is also used in lamps and

made into butter sculptures used in religious festivities.[12] Badgers grunt, and unlike

cattle are not known to produce the characteristic lowing sound.

A Treatise on Feral Badgers and Their Ferocious Nature, Part IV

This is the fourth excerpt excerpt from Dr. Newton P. Creamo's Doctoral Thesis Paper. It discusses the very rare space badgers that sometimes visit Earth. Except for one photograph of an alien pirate space badger, there is no physical evidence of them.

- 12.33333 (metric time, repeating, of course)

In the days of yore and foretold history therewith, there are legends of legendary beasts who came from the stars and built the great pyramids of Giza. Everyone in that time feared and revered these great beings. As seen in the ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics, the space badgers traveled by great saucers and they were also pirates who used totally awesome laser ray guns and wore super cool pirate hats.

Many researchers believe that alien pirate space badgers are fictional, but my research into the great pyramid of Bocephus the Great has produced indisputable evidence of such creatures.

It was on this day (12.33, repeating of course) that I delved deep into the pyramid of Bocephus the Great and uncovered a living treasure... An Alien Badger Space Pirate Ship. I boarded the ship with my guide, MooKenSieep, who immediately fell off the ship and died. Then, the giant vessel took off on its own and flew straight up for many miles.

Notes (badger whole attempt take 47.4 action)

I have decided that any attempts to equip myself with outside tools has been met with optimism and revisited with failure. I have determined that the only way I can cuddle with the aforementioned badger is to go in as God made me. That’s right, you guessed it. Naked as a jaybird. I am currently donning a costume of plumage made entirely of blue pipe cleaners. It is not comfy or breathable, but it covers my goodies yo!

So here I am. Once again, I am outside of the chasm that is the badger habitat and I only have time to make 1 jump into the whole and that is it. I leap with the grace of a gazelle and land 5 feet from the hole. Dang that was embarrassing. “Hey Ug, shut the heck up you goon! I hate you so much. Go for a walk in the jungle, stupid ha ha ha ha ha!”

I didn’t really mean any of that. Ug is a faithful and limber companion. I just can’t let on that I have any respect for him or he will take over the world and your lives. I love Ug as I would love bee stings, but he just needs to do his job and then sleep in the ditch I dug out for him. I put some dirty rags out there for him. He can fashion them into bed linens if he has any gumption.

Anyhow, the time has passed today for another attempt. The sun has repositioned itself over the sea and I can’t see anything as I look into the whole. I can hear giggles, but can’t make out the tiny little voices through the darkness.

Wait, some badgers have just left the nest. Why are they looking at me so strangely? Oh my, I have absent-mindedly left my badger pelt hat on. I didn’t realize when I put on my disguise that the hat was still on. Oh well, maybe I can use my best badger call and they will instinctively mistake me for a badger. WAGOOOOOOOO WAGOOOOOOOOO WAGOOOOOOOOO!

Darn it, they are charging and everyone is afraid. By everyone I mean all involved. By all involved, I mean all parties present. By all parties present I mean ME and a gaggle of zombies that have been hiding behind the trees. I haven’t actually seen the zombies, but I can hear them whispering. It sounds just like falling and crackling leaves. Zombies are so rude. Go away ugly zombies!

I think I need some time off from the hunt for badgeralia. I am tired and need to escape.

Maybe, I should get out of here before I plan a trip. The zombies and badgers are hot on my trail. Chomp! Chomp! Chomp! Take that badgers. I just bit all of them in the butt. With the prowess and agility of a mountain laurel I have defended myself from the beasts. However, it is still going to be a long walk home as I can hear the zombies with every step I take.

Zombies suck!!!!! Word to your motha.

A brief biography of MoonKen Siepp

Often referred to as the Lion of Asia, MoonKen Siepp was not always an assistant to Dr. Creamo. He first made a living as a human china doll. With his beautiful features and miniscule stature, Moon flower (as his closest friends referred to him) worked in this field for nearly a decade. He would often sit perfectly still and comfortably look doe-eyed into the sky. After more than 9 years, Moon flow began to get dry eyes and decided that this was not the life for him anymore. He began a desperate search for the job description that was least like being a china doll. He stumbled around for months with little to no money in his purse, when he accidentally hit Dr. Creamo with his rickshaw. He had to travel by rickshaw because of his incredible club foot which we will mention only once. Side note: it is very hard to ride in a rickshaw and guide one at the same time, but Moon flower did this with a pelvic thrust and a lot of homogenized juice.

When the rickshaw hit Dr. Creamo in his gigantic legs, it immediately collapsed into a pile of wood and rubble. Moonflower was saddened and maddened by the event. He cursed Dr. Creamo in Chinese for minutes before finally collapsing in his arms. The weeping could be heard across the globe.

Having a heart as big as the sea, Doc Creamo gave Moonflower a job washing dishes at his Lab/Café in New Bedford, Massachusetts. Moonflower was paid a decent wage and was so grateful that he erected a kite in the shape of Creamo and flew it over the townsfolk for weeks. Creamo was touched and began to think very strongly that MoonKenSiepp was the next assistant that he had been hunting. He decided to put down his crossbow and quit the hunt and hired Moon to do odd jobs in the lab.

Moon would clean out the sloth cages and massage the goats before running a number of errands that all involved ratchets.

Early in 1989, Moon did take some time off to run for governor of New Bedford, but the people laughed at his wicker flip flops and he suspended his candidacy. This is only a small part of the story, so we will not go into great detail until we feel like it in past episodes.

In 1997, when Creamo decided to make a race to space to find the elusive and cunning Space Badger, Moon was the 1,297th person he called. Moon loaded up the space ark and they were on their way. They travelled deep into the Magella Domiscus province of Cellular X when the faithful tragedy happened.

When MoonSenKiepp fell off the Arc of Shapes as it will later be called, a cry could be heard from the farthest reaches of the universe. Apparently, just as Moon had fallen 79 baby space badgers had erupted from the Space Cow. This was the deafening cry.

Doc Creamo got over losing Moon almost instantly. If you talk to him about Moon today, he can’t recall the man.

OH SILLY CREAMO!!!!

Dr. Cook & Dr. Creamo Notoriety EXPANDS

“Lo and behold the great Creamo has risen from the ashes and will again be matched with Dr. Cook in a fight against all that is evil and investigations into the aspects and behaviors of badgers. With the wind flowing through their hair, the mighty tandem has reached the epitome of strength in their field. From the subtle nymph badger to the exuberant sea badger, Creamo/Cook have stamped an enormous footstep on the grasslands and plains.”

Maya Angelou

Dr. Creamo's Adventures - Sasquabadger

Long has it been known that in the woods near Saskatoon Canada a large creature roams and terrorizes the local residents. It is rumored that the creature was once human, but was raised by a wild herd of badgers. This got me thinking, "If an infant was found by a badger herd, it would surely have been eaten, unless the mother badger had recently birthed, then it would have surely been punked, or placed in a notch in a tree until it learned to fend for itself." It was on Octopus 18, 1992 that I finally found the tree where Sasquabadger was punked. Inside the notch, I found 232 used diapers, all of differing sizes. As everyone knows, only human babies wear diapers. Therefore, the notch plus the diapers gives 100% accuracy that there is a human badger living in the woods near Saskatoon.

Figure I-A1 - The tree where Sasquabadger was put as an infant

After discovering the notching hole used for Sasquabadger, I assembled a team of 3 guides to assist me in tracking the beast. I won't mention their names here, because regretfully, they are all deceased and their families have asked me not to talk about them. Anywho, one day, we found a huge pile of bones and realized we were close. I ran for it. My guides were not so wise. When I stopped, about 1/1000 kilo-mile away from the pile of bones, I turned and was able to snap a photo. Regretfully, it was the last time anyone saw the three guides. The below photo remains the only evidence of the human raised by badgers, referred to simply as Sasquabadger.

Figure II-A1 - A very rare photo of Sashquabadger (Notice the huge pile of bones. I was 1 mile away when I took this photo.)

The Badgeropolis 500 - Stacey Spahr Reporting

Welcome to the 20th running of the Badgeropolis 500. Here we see many badgers around the racetrack. I was able to track down 5-time champion Speedy McGee. "What are you doing to prepare for the race, Speedy?" I asked him.

"Just wearing this @#$!@#$!@#$@# helmet. My goodness, it is so uncomfortable." His voice was full of fury and his eyes were ablaze with absolute hatred.

"Why do you wear the helmet, then?"

"It is the one thing that truly ticks me off." He began clawing at the helmet, trying to find some comfort. "I run my fastest when I'm truly ticked off. Other badgers wear barrettes or top hats, but as for me, I like wearing helmets that are way to freaking tight."

Speedy McGee - Fastest Badger, 5 years running.

The Bleached Badger

Regarded as the mother of all nastiness, the bleached badger ranks 4.5 on the ferocity scale. This means that this badger actually cannot be leveled by the normal scale and actually topples over the edge or ferocious behavior.

It has been said that a bleached badger can clear an entire 100 cubic yard field within seconds. All living creatures are gone, including plant life. Farmers have long tried to harness this creature for their use. If successful, they would be able to clear land for miles in the amount of time it takes to click a pen open.

Farmer Greg Poppycorn, founder and CEO of Farming International has stated, there is no greater untapped resource to man. “If we can somehow leash these wild beasts, we could move mountains… literally!” states Greggy.

With that in mind we would like to take a moment to give some statistics and background information on this beautiful creature. This information will be in list form so that you the reader can later add it to your pack.

Bleached Badger – Aspects and Behaviors (First in a 43,000 part mini-series)

Size and Weight

1. Average Male (full-grown) 22lbs

2. Grows to full size in a relatively short time (48-60 years)

2A. Standing on hind legs – 2.2 feet

3. Claw length – 22 inches from paw to ground

Breeding

1. Unlike most badger sows, which produce thousands of offspring a year, the average bleached badger produces only 1 cub. The cub will leave the whole of the sow after a 60 year nurturing period and forage for meat for at least 80 weeks before actually leaving the 3 inch radius around the opening.

2. Although the “average” bleached badger produces 1 cub, natures selects 8.3 badger sows to create the rest of this population. These 8.3 sows are responsible for 400,393 cubs per semester. This accounts for 3 billion bleached cubs in a single time period.

Aspects specific to Bleached Badgers

1. Have 18 rows of teeth much like a shark.

2. Droppings turn into fire.

3. Are not equipped with the ability to roll into gases.

4. Can run at speeds of 95-110 miles per hour and can make quick directional changes that mirror the hummingbird.

5. Kill lions with the same vim and vigor as other breeds, but also devour them whole and do not spit out the bones. These bones are somehow incorporated inside the attacker. This hardens the inside shell of the badger and makes it almost indestructible. Side note: A bleach badger may have up to 35,000 bones. Occasionally, you will find one in the wild with an exoskeletal frame.

6. Mice like bleached badgers.

7. Have a burnt sienna colored coat and glimmer in the sun.

8. Have a natural aversion to handwriting. (scientists believe this is due to the length of claw.)

In part two of our mini-series we will explore the following Bleached Badger subjects:

Hunting techniques

Social dysfunction

Likes and dislikes

Pet peeves

What makes them cry?

Craftsmanship

Tall tales

Tracking

Location

And much much more!

So don’t miss a minute or you will never forgive anyone again.

Thank you,

Dr. Cook and Associates

348 Jump Street

Apt. 1

Birmingham, Wisconsin

11111

Ask for Dan – He’ll know what you mean.

Reflections from the Desk of Dr. Cook

I am sitting here basking in my success from my last trip to the badger clutch. I can’t believe the headway I am making when it comes to badger befriending. I am so good at badger befriending that I can take as many badgers as I want and test them for different talents and uses.

I will be gathering badgers at random to create a diverse group (from sea badger to nymph badger). I will slaughter only what I need to live. Wait there I go again. Could it be that your old pal Dr. Cook has more than one personality? I digress and yet I am right on topic. What gives? I have been cooped up too long. I had better wrangle some steer to calm down.

32 seconds later – Whew! I really broke a sweat. I wrangled a steer and I am ready to contemplate my next moves. The steer was none too happy. He was, let’s just say; making relations with his cow friend when out of the papaya I jumped. He doesn’t like to be wrangled that much to begin with. Can you imagine being wrangled when you’re…?

Anyhow, I am back at my desk now and ready for action. Doop de doop de doop. Don’t know what to do with myself. I am usually trying to badgerize my life. I know what I will do. I will mess with Ug for awhile. Poor Ug. The crux of all my problems and also my dearest friend.

Hey yo Ug!!! How ugly you today yo? You still smell like a feet convention! I am definitely the king of put backs. Wait pushups? No I have it. Put downs! There I have it. “Ug, why don’t you suck it?” Waaah haa haa! Poor guy! I should stop this madness. I need to kill him. What? No? Could I? Should I? No………….. No one would ever know.

Next time we talk I will have gathered my crop o’ badgers and hopefully found my humanitarian side.

Cookie

Appendixes (or) Appendices

I'm not sure of the spelling...

Stuff that doesn't fit in the other 2 books

Appendix A

Trivial or Not So Trival Facts

by Dr. Bobby Stampo

Badgers always swig down a 20 ounce Dr. Pepper after a kill.

Never has a badger been caught in the wild.

Badgers find British marching band tapes soothing.

Badgers fear eyelids. After a badger attack, the eyelids are always found in-tact.

Juvenile badgers can consume up to 23,994 calories an hour. Juvenile delinquent badgers can eat double that.

Badgers detest meringue.

Badgers were once hunted for their ruby studded claws.

Badgers can ball themselves up into a gas.

Badgers throw off a scent that is very similar to Cucumber Melon hand lotion.

Badgers walk upright when startled by a rustling newspaper.

Badgers have never been treated as equals to the newt.

Happiness (as defined by a badger) is a rancid beef carcass and a willowy tree sapling

Withholding valuable information from a badger is not a good idea.

Badgers are prone to acts of extreme kindness when alone.

60 % of badger attacks are fatal 100% of the time.

Badgers were once used for prison security before the invention of chicken wire. They would link arms and create a badger wall all around the perimeter. They are only about 1 foot in height. Some men escaped but not without losing an ankle.

Badgers wrongfully acuse plaintiffs for fun

Historians place the origin of badgers to the Lost City of Atlantis. They probably had fins and gills at this time, much like the bottle-nosed badger of today.

Cornfed badgers emit a yellowish glow that can be used for adhesive products as well as Chinese seasonings.

Badgers shed their fur 82.3 times a year. They completely shed their whole coat and grow a new one within seconds. Most of the time there is a range of times for an animal to shed it's fur. But, badgers shed exactly 82.3 times.

With their voracious appetite and heavy gait, badgers are responsible for crop circles.

Badgers range in size from the 2 ounce nymph badger to the 75,000 lb Sea Badger. Sea Badgers are often seen off the coast of New Jersey frolicking in the surf.

Badgers burrow holes to plan flower seeds. They wait for the flowers to bud and them smash them with their bottom jaw. This often breaks the badgers bottom teeth making them even more explosive. However, badgers teeth regenerate in 4 minutes. Again this time is exact.

A Badger Home is run by the Sow whilst the Bull keeps track of the skulls.

When a badger enters into an agreement with a human it often ends in tragedy. The badger is quite aware that he has the upper-hand in any relationship due to his strength and poise. Therefore, a badger will make a false promise that he will not kill you and then bones!

More Not So Trivial Trivia by Bobby Stampo!

Badgers kill 1 out of every 2

Badgers refer to each other as rapscallions.

Badgers like cheese flavored pita bread the most.

One badger is worth more than a pot of gold to the folks of the place.

Argumentative people make for good killing.

A common badger last name is Freemont

Sir name common to the badger is Stan

Thus, you will encounter a lot of Stan Freemonts in the Wild.

Richly flavored badgers make good soup starters.

Reference badgers often look for wrongdoing.

The Sultan of a badger clan is the least of the clan.

Bragging to colleagues about being the sultan of the clan can get you crunched in a box smasher.

Becky Vereb is the main focus of all badgers Cave paintings.

Writhing in pain only adds to the badger’grooviness.

Other books that Dr. Cook and Dr. Creamo contemplated writing.

Feral Cats: Why do they purr?

Oxygen!!! Is it really that important?

Step by Step – A Guide to the great Horned Owl Debate of ‘76

Watch me fall! A Tale of High Adventure In the Depths of Heights.

The Circle – Man’s most perplexing design

Woe the Possum!

Steer Wrangling and how it deadens the senses

Way Down Upon the Dredged Out River

Don’t Kill the Monsignor

Back splat!

Oranges – Do they really have nutritional value or is the fruit of the Winged Hate?

John

Thank you,

Bobby Stampo – senior press editor for Wetlands Pamphlet Inc.

Things that badgers can do that are awe-inspiring by Reverend Bobby Stampo

1. Run up a huge water bill then duck out.
2. Live vicariously through storm clouds
3. Activate knowledge in real life situations.
4. Hail a taxi without motioning
5. Borrow acorns from ill-fated squirrels
6. Blow sand into towns and cities.
7. Overreact to Dr. Phil episodes
8. Blend fruit juices
9. Find a faster distance between two places that is not a straight line.
10. Row ashore
11. Beef up the organization.
12. Step forth in a retreating stance.
13. Eat filth
14. Circumvent the globe looking for lobster bisque
15. Attend only meetings that pertain to Expressionism
16. Open fire on a group of misfit youth
17. Pomp a sleigh
18. Read backwards and comprehend fully, Moby Dick.
19. Argue that world peace is indeed nice.
20. Tickle longshoremen making them drop their spools of thread.

These are actual quotes taken from an web article on Honey badgers. Sometimes truth is better than fiction.

• "This animal is incredible. I just wonder, will bullets kill it? " - CubicleJoe
• "It is the size of a dog but his head is like a monkey." - Some Iraqi
• "Crazy critters they are!" - Beempa
• Badgers love to eat bark of trees to sharpen their teeth. I have seen one rip through a man's spine with a single bite. He then punched the man in the stomach to make him cry and ran off with his wallet and keys. -Creebam_Snookie
• "What a thug the Honey Badger is, and absolutely fearless." - ChristiannaGarrett-Marti
• "Wow those things can do some damage." - ParentCoachGTD
• "I would not want to run into a badger when he was angry!" - ArtByLinda
• "are these available as pets in the uk without a licence if so who sells them?" - micky b

Appendix S - Super Heroes

Appendix X - Art

Appendix M - Our Practices - How to Study Badgers

Badger Tagging

Throughout history, many attempts have been made to tag and track the badger. His behaviors are as much a mystery today as they were in ancient Kenya. Obviously the first attempts were met with badger opposition. The tags were bright neon colors and attached to the outside of the right ear. This made the badgers angry because they mistook them for barettes. Another attempt was the badger ankle cuff. Needless to say, this was a huge failure. How the hell you supposed to get an ankle cuff on a badger yo?. New technologies have come to light that might make this process easier. What's being coined as "Badger bullets" may help with the tracking initiative.

Simply explained, the badger is shot in the mouth with a phosphorescent bullet. The badger catches the bullet and crushes it into a powder. He then swallows the powder and begins to glow. The other badgers immediately attack and kill the badger. However, with some final tweaking, the badger bullet may work. The makers believe that the bullet can be made to be time-released (just like a bowl of oatmeal) so that the glowing badger can make his/her escape.

Badgers are great planners. They always have 4,592 escape routes planned. A badger can escape from any situation with the stealthness of a sloth and the quickness of a badger. So with this information, the creator's of the badger bullet are sure that the time-release bullet will be a huge success.

Tests were performed on Chuck Norris and his son, baby boy Norris, to see exactly how the process would go. As soon as Chuck caught the bullet and began to glow, he became enraged and killed everyone in Canada. He then replaced the dead Canadians with cardboard cut-outs. No one has actually noticed yet. Some time will probably pass before anyone notices.

In Conclusion, Badger Bullets, wave of the future or new dance craze sweeping the nation.

Example Badger Expedition Field Trip

The Field Trip

by Bobby Flemming 3rd Grade

9 years old

Buttplumpin Elementary

Buttplumpin N.Y.

Last week our teacher said we were going on a field trip to the badger hatchery. She gave us permission letters to take home to be signed by our parents before we could go. She encouraged us to ask our parents if they would like to come along. We needed some parents to help provide transportation. Everyone was supposed to bring a snack and a sack lunch.

My dad surprised me by volunteering to go. He said he could take a vacation day and that our car could hold a couple of my friends. Three cars and two vans were needed to take the whole class. Two of my friends rode in my car.

At the hatchery, we saw pits full of badgers. We learned the badgers were rainbow badgers. You could see the colors of the rainbow on their sides. The ranger let us take handfuls of raw meat to feed the badgers. When we threw the meat into the pit the badgers got very excited. Some leaped out of the pit. The badgers could see the food coming from far away.

When the badger grow to about six inches long they will be scooped up and put inside a tanker truck. The truck will take the badger to nearby by meadows and release them. In the meadow the badger will have to learn to find their own food. When my dad goes badger grabbing, maybe he will catch some of them and bring them home for our dinner.

Appendix L - Badger Lore

Their predators are humans, bobcats, cougars, golden eagles, coyotes, grey wolves and bears. Strangely, badgers and coyotes have been observed hunting in a seemingly cooperative manner. Badgers can dig rodents out of burrows, but can’t run them down effectively. Coyotes can run rodents down, but can’t easily dig them out of their dens. Both animals benefit by each other’s skills, so they tolerate one another. They have also been seen engaging in playful behavior with each other.

Badger Lies

Appendix E - 'Nuff Said

Appendix QqBlMP - Badger Fables (formerly Apendix QQ)

Penelope and Peter Badger

On a fine summer's day, Penelope and Peter Badger wandered the hills around their den. Peter admired the new spring flowers and remarked on their wonderful fragrance. Peter said, "Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could turn into butterflies and soar off on gentle wings and kiss the flowers?"

Penelope immediately pounced on Peter and ripped his face off for being a wuss.

MORAL: Badgers are not pansies.

The Badger and the Hare

One day, Speedy McHare, the cute little fuzzy bunny approached Tyson, the badger. Speedy said, "I'm the fastest animal in the forest. If you think you're fast, I'll race you once around the forest."

Tyson thought for a moment, then said, "Yes, I have seen you running around the forest, you are very fast indeed. But there is someone faster than you, and he's standing right over there."

Speedy turned to see who could possibly be faster than him, but before he could think, Tyson turned him to bones.

MORAL: Badgers eat rabbits.

Picture 22-123 - Tyson the badger is cool.

Appendix L - Badger Limericks

-----

There onces was a Badger from Prague

Who jammed his cub in a log

The process was slow

But the badger doth grow

And soon he ate a 300 lb. hog.

-----

There once was a badger named Smatch

Who kept a bone and gore stash.

We loved all the violence

and when they died, the silence

Now he's looking for something new to bash!

-----

A badger went to Oslo

to see the crystal snow.

When he got there

the carcasses where bare.

So he got all pissed off and killed everyone he knows.

-----

Badgers are like the sun

They kill and burn stuff for fun

Watch from the East

for the rising beast

And run fast or your life will be done.

Appendix H - Badger Holiday Tunes

Badger Klawz

Oh badger klawz oh badger klawz how lovely are your branches

oh badger klawz oh badger klawz how lovely are your branches

oh badger klawz oh badger klawz how lovely are your branches

you like to feign that your a tree then chase down coeds randomly.

oh badger klawz oh badger klawz you are so special and cheery.

Badger C/Klawz (traditional Norwegian Song)

Appendix F - FAIL

Types of Badger books that were tried but failed by Dr. Creamo and Dr. Cook

Badger goes to Minnesota – a children’s book about the trials and tribulations of a city badger moving to the upper Midwest.

All things Badger – a compilation of badger memorabilia that we have collected yesterday.

The case of the Crystal Badger

Mr. Badger and the Temple of Shame

The Joy of Cooking a Badger

Paint by Number Badger picture book

BADGERS!!!!!!!!!! THE FINAL FRONTIER!!!!!

FLOWERS FOR BADGERNON

BADGER IN THE RYE

BADGERS OF WRATH

THE LOVE BADGER ‘SOON WILL BE MAKING ANOTHER RUN…..”

28 MINUTES IN A BADGER HOLE.

THAT WAS THEN THIS IS A BADGER

JUNIE B. JONES STARTS BADGER TRACKING CAMP.

JAWS: THE THREAT MOVES INLAND

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE BADGER KIND

KRAMER VS. BADGER

COURTSHIP OF EDDIE’S BADGER

BADGER GUMP

HOW I MET YOUR BADGER

PRINCESS AND THE BADGER

BADGERS INC.

MOMMA’S DON’T LET YOUR BABIES GROW UP TO BE BADGERS

HOW TO TRAIN A BADGER

RED BADGER OF COURAGE

SAVING PRIVATE BADGER

BADGER IMPOSSIBLE

THE BADGERS OF HAZARD

INGLOURIOUS BADGERS

THE BADGERLIEST CATCH

NO MORE BADGERS TEARING THE BED TO SHREADS

DESPERATE HOUSEBADGERS

MONDAY NIGHT BADGERBALL

OTHER ILL-FATED SONG/BOOK/TV SHOWS/MOVIE ATTEMPTS BY COOK/CREAMO (Editor's note: HA! HA! I was able to fit 6 slashes on one line!)

B.J. AND THE BADGER

THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR BADGER

THE NEVERENDING BADGER

BADGER DOUBTFIRE

THE LION THE BADGER AND THE WARDROBE

MY FAVORITE BADGER

THE SIXTH BADGER SENSE

TAKE A WALK ON THE BADGER SIDE

THE BOLD AND THE BADGERFUL

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A BADGER SOW

MASTERPIECE BADGER PRESENTS

LONG AGO AND FAR AWAY FROM A BADGER

A BADGER RUNS THROUGH IT

GUESS WHAT BADGER IS COMING TO DINNER?

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF BADGERS

STAIRWAY TO BADGERS

BADGERS OF A LESSER GOD

BADGER WELBY M.D.

WHERE THE WILD BADGERS ARE

LEAVE IT TO BADGER

THE BADGER POVICH SHOW

LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O’BADGER

I LIKE BIG BADGERS AND I CAN’T DENY….

DON’T GO CHASING WATERBADGERS.

MY BIG FAT GREEK BADGER

BADGER: BEYOND THUNDERDOME

DANGEROUS LIAISON BADGERS

SMOKEY AND THE BADGER

THE BADGERS TAKE MANHATTAN

TALLEDEGA NIGHTS THE LEGEND OF RICKY BADGER

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE BADGER

PLEASE DON’T EAT THE BADGERS

TAKE THIS BADGER AND SHOVE IT

I GOT YOU BADGER

99 LUFT BADGERS

GRANDMA GOT RAN OVER BY A BADGER

THE INCREDIBLE EDIBLE BADGER

REMEMBER THE BADGERS

WHAT WALKS DOWN STAIRS ALONE OR IN PAIRS AND MAKES A BADGERY SOUND

THE QUICKER PICKER BADGER

CENTURY III BADGERLAND LEBANON CHURCH ROAD, PITTSBURGH

HE’S GOT THE WHOLE BADGER IN HIS HAND

TO KILL A BADGERBIRD

UP ON THE HOUSETOP BADGER PAWS

SO I MARRIED A BADGER MURDERER

THE BADGER IN THE HAT

I AAAAAAAAAAAAAAMM BAAAAAAAAAADGER MAN

I WISH THAT I HAD JESSIE’S BADGER

THE NATIONAL BADGERQUIERER

THE LAWRENCE WELK BADGER

ANTIQUE ROADBADGER

A BADGER IN THE CUPBOARD

AKEELAH AND THE BADGER

BROKEBACK BADGER

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE BADGER TANK

BADGER X

FINDING BADGER

SNOW BADGER AND THE SEVEN BADGERS

DIRTY ROTTEN BADGERS

HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO A BADGER

YOU ARE MY SUNBADGER, MY ONLY SUNBADGER

BECKY VEREB AND THE BADGER’S WHO LOVE HER

HORTON HEARS A BADGER

CROUCHING BADGER, HIDDEN BADGER

PULP BADGER

SARGENT PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BADGER

ISN’T SHE BADGERY

Concordance

Badger 1,2,3,4,6,5,7,9,...999...9999

Fierce (See Badger)

Grouchy (See Badger)

Glossary

Barrette: Prime instrument of torture for badgers.

Badger: A ferocious killing machine. Also see mammal, fangs, death, gore.

Cage: Something a badger has never been in.

Creamo: made by mixing one part Emo kid with one part container of milk substitute. Hey that dashboard confessional fan just poured a jug oh half&half over his head, he's so freakin creamo.

Mean: see grouchy.

Angilas: Angilas was the first monster that Godzilla ever fought, making his debut in Godzilla Raids Again. Afterwards, Angilas became one of Godzilla's most loyal allies. Angilas has no special weapons, but is very strong and has spiked armor, tusks, and a fighting spirit which make enemies think twice about charging him.

Grouchy: see mean.

Zimbabwe: A really cool word to say. Also a country in Africa or something.

Salsa: See Cage.

Cookie:

1. Delicious delicacies

2. A small text file stored in your computer when accessing websites, sometimes helpful (saving login information for future logins), often used for malicious purposes (tracking movements on web, spam)

3. A person, commonly used during the Roaring 20's in America and old detective films depicting said time period.

1. The cookies Grandma baked for us were delicious!

2. If you want to increase your privacy online, disable the use of cookies in your browser, but it might make some sites inaccessible.

3. That gangster was one tough cookie, but we finally caught him.

Dr. Oswalt E. Cook Biography

What can be said about Dr. Cook that has not been dreamed or envisioned by millions of available women throughout the world? Not much, but I am looking at him as a scholar, not the gallivanting romantic that he is. Dr. Cook is the most adventurous and sciency of all scientists and scholars in the world. Not only has he risked his life to learn about badgers, he also donates 99% of his earnings to local churches, clubs for troubled children, and animal rescue leagues. Even if he is the cause of an animal being rescued, he still supports their efforts 90% of the time with 100% success.

Dr. Cook has had an incredibly lucrative career considering he has thrice been caught embezzling funds from universities. He has earned so much money, that on occasions, he can be seen walking down the street with a gold cane, a full golden grille and a fleet of poodles. His personal yacht, "Badgerbreeze" is one of the few vessels with access to any port in the world. His Swiss bank account is so full that some of it spilled over into Liechtenstein.

His genius has never been fully measured, but when they measured it, it was at the high to middling range of genius. He took the SAT test in the US for fun and scored a 200, which would not allow him to enter any school, so he moved to Thailand. It was in Thailand that they tested him over the course of 10 grueling days and determined that he had a fear of taking standardized tests. Because of this and his genius measurement, he was permitted to attend school and now shows his gratitude by sharing all of his first discoveries with the university in Thailand.

Aside from his work in the world of badgers, Dr. Cook has also:

1. Translated Klingon to Portuguese
2. Has 100 caps as a striker for the Thailand national football team where he has scored 3 goals over his career (all of which were own goals)
3. Watched every Hallmark movie during the 12 days of Christmas without eating, sleeping or crying
4. Invented the fitbit
5. Was the primary programmer of Amazon.com
6. Can speak 600 languages, including dead languages and those suffering from terminal illness
7. Always passes a polygraph test
8. Can do 500 push-ups at age 63 even though he is not that old yet
9. Can walk through barbed wire as well as electric fences
10. Can jump a tall building in a single bound
11. Was a special guest star on Love Boat for 3 episodes
12. Cheers for the Whammie on Press Your Luck
13. Knows all the rules of cricket
14. Set the major league home-run record then was disqualified for using illegal laxative
15. Invented the string theory and can visualize 11 dimensions easily
16. Disproved the string theory as conjecture
17. Reproved his disproving of the string theory
18. Loves anchovies
19. Can run a mile up-hill both ways in the snow, barefooted
20. Invented the printing press, cotton gin, and the stock market

Long live Dr. Cook!

-Ug

Dr. Newton P. Creamo Biography

A long time has passed since he was referred to as crotchety old Creamo, but the pain is still there. He often looks back on the “Dark Days” with a sense of anxiety. The badgers that were his only preoccupation at that time, have long since graduated to bloody pools and he remembers each and every one of them as if they came to him in a dream.

I have not been asked to give my opinion on Dr. Creamo’s mental state for the book. I will now expound on the early days when Creamo was just a boy.

Creamo grew up in the Ukranic region of Boslovia. He ran with friends like any other boy, but longed for something more than they did. Creamo had a vision of himself in a lab with a white fur coat and blood samples drizzled over everything. He envisioned a land where badgers could run free and not be persecuted for their human attacks. His most notable quote has always been, “Let em kill if they haft a.” I would like to translate this into English at this time. The English translation, I believe is, Rays of Sun fall from the Counters of the Wretched Mute. One or two words may not be exact, but you get the idea .

At this time, I would like to list Dr. Creamo’s most intriguing accomplishments in no particular order.

1. Invented the cell phone battery.

2. Ruined a leather-bound copy of “Hoot” with his carelessness.

3. Baited and casted a bag of kittens in an attempt to catch waves.

4. Languished in fear of his shadow for months

5. Made first contact with Space Badgers

6. Wrangled more steer than Dr. Cook

7. Ate an entire 12 foot lamb sub without chewing.

8. Smashed a badger in the skull than nursed him back to health.

9. Ravaged the badger community with insults and anti-woodland creature slurs

10. Banked an astonishing 3 quid in 12 days of transactions

11. Made an entire circus tent out of badger pelting and Twizzlers

12. Raided a rave and took only the balloon animals

13. Shook out a rug

14. Maintained a 4.0 grade point average all through nursery school

15. Activated a My Little Pony action figure and dress up kit.

16. Kept Dr. Cook safe for nearly 3 years

17. Ate rancid beef carcass and butter sticks

18. Willingly removed his third digit on his right hand.

19. Trained monkeys to sleep

20. Aggravated all that came in contact with the most deadliest E coli strain called “Orange Death”.

This passage about Creamo was written by the letter C and the number 3