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What women coping with cancer have taught me.

In some ways, cancer is still quite a taboo subject. With the statistics as we know them, we will all either know someone who has had cancer, or have had it ourselves. The word can instantly fill us with terror and from the moment someone is diagnosed, their lives are forever changed.

Dr Peter Harvey, Consultant Clinical Psychologist at Leeds Teaching Hospitals Trust says:

“Once heard, the diagnosis of cancer can never be forgotten. Whatever your prognosis, whatever your hopes, whatever your personality, the second that you know that you have cancer your life changes irrevocably”.

My focus in this article is specifically on Women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer. This is not to leave men out who have been diagnosed with breast cancer, (yes, men get breast cancer too), however the reason I am focusing on women, is because I have been privileged to volunteer for an organisation where I have specifically supported women and have learned that there are themes that come up for these women time and time again.

Common feelings at/after diagnosis:

◦ Fear/Panic

◦ Immobilisation/Numbness

◦ Depression

◦ Denial

◦ Vulnerability

◦ Worry/Stress

◦ Obsessing

◦ Anger

◦ Loneliness

◦ Confusion

◦ Loss of Confidence

◦ Grief

Just looking at that list is overwhelming, imagine feeling all of those things, possibly several times a day?

The rug has been pulled out from under them and life as it was will never be the same again. Grieving begins, despite prognosis, for a loss of hopes and dreams. Younger women have to put their plans for starting a family or having another baby on hold as well as deal with the uncertainty of whether or not this will even be possible. Relationships are affected, things like loss of libido and confidence. The ripple effect on the woman herself, her partner, parents, children, siblings, friends, work colleagues etc. And so learning to deal not only with herself, but other people as well, begins.

Common Bugbears

Many women with breast cancer share the same bugbears, particularly when dealing with others. (I want to stress that in most cases, the following things that are said to women coping with breast cancer, are said from a well-meaning place. If you have ever said any of these things and were well intentioned, then please don't feel bad, this is about education and trying to understand it from the woman’s perspective).

People who say:

• “You look so well, I wouldn’t even know you had cancer”. A lot of cancer sufferers may look well, but they will be going through a multitude of emotions and being told you look well can make the woman feel dismissed or feel pressured to continue to “look well” even though she may be feeling incredibly ill or frightened.

• “You’re so strong, you can fight this”! She may be strong and she will definitely be fighting it in her own way, but maybe she doesn’t have the energy to be strong right now or on that particular day. Maybe she just needs to fall apart today and feel that that is acceptable or allowed.

• “I know exactly how you feel”. Fact..even if you have had cancer yourself, you DO NOT and cannot know how that woman is feeling. Every woman with breast cancer will feel things that are unique to her. There may be similarities, but it’s never exactly the same.

• “At least it’s treatable”. This may be the truth and the person’s prognosis may be really good, but saying something like this is dismissive of her feelings and can shut her down from sharing her fears or worries. Not to mention that it dismisses the fact that some treatments are gruelling and can have awful side-effects.

People who:

• Tell the woman coping with cancer about their own non life threatening health issues or anxieties and expect sympathy. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about the people in her life, but right now she is dealing with an overwhelming amount and simply has no room for other people’s stuff right now. If you are struggling with your own issues, please get support, but not from the cancer sufferer.

• Use toxic positivity to try and encourage the person. Toxic positivity is when the importance of positivity and optimism overrides the truth. It is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. It's a "good vibes only" approach to life. This minimises and denies any emotions that are not seen as “positive”.

So what can you do to support her?

• Allow her to have and feel all her feelings without trying to remove her pain or make her feel better.

• Don’t just say “I am here if you need me”, because most people won’t take you up on it. Be more specific, ask HOW you can help that person. Do they need practical support? Shopping or lift to hospital appointments? Someone just to listen? Someone to get them out the house for a walk?

• Drop the person a text on a regular basis, telling them you are thinking about them. It’s lonely going through cancer and people can feel isolated, even if they have a family around them.

• Linked to the above point, don’t keep asking if the person is okay. Chances are, they will not be okay, they will be suffering after chemo, they will be afraid and they will be anxious and that isn’t going to change for a while. Just letting the person know you are thinking about them without putting pressure on them to reply can feel very supportive.

• Be patient! A lot of things will have changed for the person with cancer and she will be dealing with an overwhelming amount. One day she may be positive and the next she may feel hopeless. Allow her to have her feelings and look after herself in whatever way she needs to and understand it is no reflection on you.

*If anything in this article has affected you and you feel you need more support, please feel free to contact me.

Resources: “After the Treatment Finishes - Then What”? Dr Peter Harvey Consultant Clinical Psychologist Leeds Teaching Hospitals Trust

Photo credit: Pexels 

20th December 2023

Christmas cheer or Christmas fear? How to survive it if you dread it.

Well, the festive season is upon us again. Where did the rest of the year go? Whether you celebrate Christmas or not, you simply can’t escape it at the moment (unless you are pretty much on a desert island). Whether it’s decorations or lights, supermarkets with Christmas jumpers, wall to wall Christmas cards and party outfits, queues to get in everywhere, Christmas tunes on the radio or TV commercials and films, we are bombarded with the “jolliness” of it all. Now I am not saying that there is anything wrong with feeling joy at Christmas and I know a lot of people who love it and love the family time. However, as I sat watching Christmas advert after Christmas advert on TV the other night, I found myself being filled with frustration and annoyance. A never-ending depiction of happy families, full of joy and cheer. A sense of inevitable togetherness, with everyone present from grandparents to grandchildren, warmth and love and let’s not forget the “magic” of it all! Like somehow we can expect miracles to happen and have our wishes come true. There is a huge distortion of truth and assumption being made that this is the case, or should be, for us all. The reality is, it very much isn’t the case for everyone.

For some people the word “Christmas” evokes a huge amount of fear. The fear of being alone, the fear of their grief being highlighted, the fear of people where addictions are present, relapsing or family rifts between people being reignited. Parent’s who have lost children or partners, people who have lost their parents, people who are single and alone, people from dysfunctional families where being together causes pain and anxiety, people who are estranged from their families, people struggling financially who can’t afford food, gas or electric, people who struggle with their mental health, people with eating disorders,  people with incurable diseases who wonder if this will be their final Christmas on earth and their loved ones who wonder the same thing. The list goes on! But we as a society insist on spreading joy and cheer at Christmas, which has the very real and opposite impact of isolating those that don’t want to or can’t celebrate it. This assumption and commercialisation puts undeniable pressure on people to feel a certain way, to buy gifts, to overindulge in rich food and of course to feel happy and excited about it. But if this isn’t you, how do you survive it?

1. Take the pressure off yourself. Just because the Christmas bombardment all around us feels like pressure, doesn’t mean we have to go along with it.

2. Manage expectations. Your own and others! If you haven’t got the time, energy, money or mental health for buying gifts or getting involved in things, then give yourself permission not to. Communicate with others about what you want and don’t want before Christmas arrives. People aren’t mind readers, so unless you express what you want, they won’t necessarily know.

3. Practice self-care. What do you need? Do you need to talk to someone about how you are feeling? Do you need some company, some space, a bit of quiet, to get away for a while? Give yourself the gift of listening to what you need and give that to yourself. You don’t have to justify your actions to anyone.

4. Allow your self to feel whatever you feel. This is connected to self-care; however, it deserves its own recognition. If you feel sad, angry, overwhelmed, lonely, frustrated or anything else, that’s perfectly okay, just allow those feelings to surface and give yourself time and space to process them. Just because we’re “supposed” to feel joyful at this time of year, it doesn’t mean we have to.  

5. Be realistic. This too shall pass. This time of year, as hard as it can be, is temporary. Christmas will end, the supermarkets will remove their Christmas stock and society will move onto the next thing.

If you fear this time of year and all it brings up for you, you are not alone. Societies’ depiction of everyone having a great time is not an accurate one and you will probably find more people than you think who feel the same or a similar way you do. Make it whatever you need it to be and please take care of yourself over this holiday season.

11th December 2022

Boundaries Vs Controlling

I often hear people pose the question, “I know boundaries are important but sometimes it feels like I am being controlling when I try and put a boundary in place – what is the difference between boundaries and controlling”? 

Perhaps we need to start with looking at individual definitions of the two. 

Boundary: “a real or imagined line that marks the limits or edges of something and separates it from other things or places; a dividing line”

Control: “control somebody/something to have power over a person, company, country, etc. so that you are able to decide what they must do or how it is run”

Source: https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com

In short, the difference is intention. A boundary is focussed on what is okay or not okay for you and making sure there is a clear line so people know not to cross it. Your intention is merely to protect yourself, your space, your energy or your mental health and being up front about what is and isn’t okay with you. It’s about loving and respecting yourself! 

Controlling is focussed on the other person, trying to make them do something, which isn’t respecting them or their choices. For example, being manipulative in order to get your own way. It’s not taking responsibility for yourself, making the other person fulfil your needs and is often done in a covert or sneaky way. Of course, it is blatant and overt in some domestic abuse cases for instance. It purposely hurts the other person. 

But that still sounds similar, you might say. Here’s an example, Jane and her partner Harry are arguing. The argument starts to get heated and Jane starts saying some inappropriate and very hurtful things to Harry. She has crossed the line and Harry needs to put a boundary in place. The conversation may go as follows,

Harry: “I know you are angry and upset Jane, but what you just said is out of line and I am asking you to stop”.

Jane: Ignores Harry and keeps shouting abusive things at him.

Harry: “I have asked you to stop, if you carry on I will leave”

Jane: Continues to ignore Harry and keeps on shouting.

Harry: Walks out.

This example shows that Harry respects himself enough to not put up with something that crosses his boundary. He is clear and follows through when Jane continues to ignore his boundary. She is still free to say or behave however she chooses to, but Harry has a right to remove himself from a situation that is harmful to him. 

Of course some instances aren’t quite as clear cut as this example and can be harder to identify, but the gist is, boundaries are about respecting yourself and controlling is about disrespecting someone else. 

When we love and respect ourselves, we show others how to treat us. Boundaries help others to feel safe in our presence too. If people know where they stand with us, they won’t have to guess or fear getting it wrong. Boundaries are also imperative for true intimacy and connection. In order to be truly intimate with someone, we need to feel safe.

“We can’t connect with someone unless we know where we end and they begin. If there’s no autonomy between people, then there’s no compassion or empathy, just enmeshment”. ~ Brene Brown

Boundaries build trust and safety, control breaks trust and creates danger. Boundaries are not the same as walls and can be fluid. We have a right to change our minds and our boundaries at any time, based on what’s going on for us and how we feel. There is a lovely quote from Mark Groves,

“Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is”. 

Will we disappoint or hurt others by setting boundaries? Yes, there’s no denying that not everyone will understand and some may take it personally. It’s risky, but it’s the price of loving ourselves.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others”. ~ Brene Brown

27th November 2022

Empty Nest Syndrome and how to survive it.

What is Empty Nest Syndrome and what are the main characteristics? 

According to the Oxford Dictionary it is “sadness or emotional distress affecting parents whose children have grown up and left home”.

An article by Psychcentral.com states that the main 3 characteristics of empty nesters are:

• Grief

• Emptiness

• Fear & Worry

I would add regret and loneliness to that list too! It is totally normal for you to feel all of the above and more. 

My Story

When my boys were younger, I remember people saying to me, “enjoy them while they’re young because they will be grown up in the blink of an eye”. At the time I was a single parent, in the middle of training to be a counsellor and trying to juggle parenthood, mental health difficulties, my studies and life in general. I remember thinking those people were probably right, but they weren’t in my situation and they didn’t know how hard it was! I wanted to stick my fingers in my ears and go “la la la la”! There was part of me that longed for them to just grow up so I could have a break and that made me feel really guilty.

Then we hit the teenage years! Oh how I longed for them to be babies again, safely tucked up in their beds where I knew where they were. The long night’s waiting for the front door to open and for them to get back home from a night out…sometimes that didn’t happen until 7am! No sleep, an anxious mess and remembering those words…they will grow up in the blink of an eye. Then the feelings of guilt would hit all over again, why did I wish their childhood away, given the chance, I would gladly swap and go back to when they were tiny and all I had to worry about was making sure they were fed, bathed and loved. 

Then fear set in..the closer it got to them leaving for University, the more in denial I became. If I just pretended these two incredible young men were going to stay with me forever, it might not happen. But obviously denial only works for a while and I had to accept the reality that my boys, my grown-up young men were leaving to pursue their university degrees, my eldest first and then my youngest 2 years later. There was still a part of me hanging onto denial, still a part not wanting to let go! 

I felt so proud of them, they had grown into capable, independent young men who were beginning their own adventures and embracing the unknown. I was excited for them, I was worried about their safety, I was anxious about them finding friends, I hoped they were attending their lectures! There were 100 different thoughts and feelings going through my mind all at once, but the one that felt the most painful was the sheer feeling of loss I felt. There was the obvious physical loss of their presence, but what took me by surprise was the sense of loss I felt as my role as their mum. I wasn’t expecting to lose my identity, to lose my sense of purpose and to grieve this so deeply. Despite the fact whilst at home, they were almost always holed up in their rooms, the house felt deathly quiet and despite the warm weather, it felt empty and cold. I felt a real sense of hollowness. The clocks would tick away and I would sit just listening. It felt like my life was ticking away! Without this family structure that was once so familiar, who was I? I knew I was a counsellor, a friend, a wife and still a mum, but WHO was I? Even planning meals for the week felt pointless and difficult. I felt so much fear..what now? What is going to happen to me and is there enough time left to do what I want to do? 

I had entered this new chapter as had they, their lives just beginning and mine being redefined. It’s hard but it’s the order of things and the natural course that needs to be taken. 

So what can we do to survive?

What I have learnt is that we must grieve, we must acknowledge our pain and be understanding and patient with ourselves. When those feelings of guilt come up, we also need to forgive ourselves for not being “perfect”. Winnicott, a paediatrician and child psychotherapist coined the term 'good enough mother' for a reason. As parents, we only need to be good enough for our children to flourish and grow. I don’t know about you, but that’s a relief for me!

 Acceptance is key! The process of accepting this new way of life takes time, but it is a very important first step! Everyone will be on their own journey and there is no right or wrong way to do it. Perhaps accessing some counselling would help? There is no shame in asking for some support as you go through this grieving process. The relationship with my children has changed. They are still my children, but as adults, they are now my friends. When I can adjust my way of thinking and allow them to make their own choices and indeed make their own mistakes, to live their lives as they see fit, then I can let go and start to enjoy this new phase of life. 

Work out how best to stay in contact with your child/children. Communication is key and what’s right for one child may not be right for another. Maybe one phone call a week would work for one, but perhaps a text message every few days would be better for another. Once you have established a contact routine that works for all of you, it will feel easier and more enjoyable for all concerned when you do connect. 

Lastly , it’s about finding yourself again. I will always miss them when we are not together and I will always get excited when they come home to visit, but I can also expand my horizons and explore the many wonderful opportunities life has to offer. What about you dear reader? What opportunities could you explore? Is there a course you have always wanted to take? An instrument you have always wanted to learn? A trip you have always wanted to go on? A career change? Finding and developing new friendships/relationships? Or maybe you can refocus on relationships that have taken a back seat? Why not take that step, knowing that your love for your children will never change and go out and experience life in a different way. 

#emptynestsyndrome #amukelanicounselling #grief #loss #survival