One of our members asked that I post this note - some of you may be amused.
Perhaps one of you wrote it?
A Few years ago, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on
Florida's southeast coast. We are living in the "Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf,
Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee". There are 3,000 lakes in
Florida; only three are real.
Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to
do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem. Our days
are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes
15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a
half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and 1 hour to return the item
the next day.
Let me take you through a typical day: We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick
breakfast and join the early morning Walk-and-Fart Club. There are about 30
of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once.
Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6:00 am.
After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go
back home, shower and change for the next activity.
My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class,
followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my
Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and
sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.
Before we know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the
many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After
a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to
the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a
Rolex watch for $2.00.
We're usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner. People start
lining up for the early bird about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45
because we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the
large portions they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day's
lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard,
relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints.
At 5:30 pm we're home, ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 pm we're
fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom
during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over
again.
Doctor-related activities eat up most of our retirement time. I enjoy
reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I
don't mind. Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes
at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then
there's the hold time until we're connected to the right party. Sometimes
they forget we're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.
Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a
rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest
concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself
am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their
basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from
the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they
make a slam dunk.
Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or 'bottom feeders' as we
call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There
are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't
remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours
while their food defrosts.
Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name.
Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world travelers,
uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray's
Condos or the Lakes of Venice? There's no difference -- they're both owned
by Murray, who happens to be a cheap bastard.
I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be
of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live
in the Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.