Families in Risky Places

by James Covey, MA, LPC-S

It is important for families living in difficult and even risky places to have a rhythm of conversation and activities, in an age-appropriate way, to equip and prepare their family. Every child or teen matures differently and at a different pace, development, and understanding. These are some ideas of ways to engage your family on the subject of risk and preparedness in general age-related categories. Each activity will need to be tailored to the unique characteristics of life in different contexts and with children of different ages and maturity levels. With each activity or game, it is important to debrief especially, with older children, why the games are being played.

Ages 0-4

They will take all their cues from their parents and siblings. Without a perspective outside of their own, what they experience is just how it is for them. Routines and schedules really help this age function their best (think sleep training). However, it may be a good idea to have a few things out of rhythm so that it is not so destabilizing if it happens suddenly. Sleep in a different room once a month, have meals at a different time once a month, or practice the habit of leaving a room or house quickly. (It may be like this)

They can do the games and activities in the next group, especially with their older siblings but will not have the same level of explanation of why or debrief after.

Ages 5-12

This age really values asking questions, doing activities together, and expressing emotions through play. Imagine an iceberg where much of their experience of life lies below the surface and they may not have words to express all of their experiences. As parents, you will see their behaviors (above the surface) and look for ways to help them draw, play or act out what is below the surface. Pay attention to behavior changes (regressive behaviors [acting younger suddenly}, anger, withdrawing, fighting, crying).

Once a Week

I Spy

Play a game of "I Spy" with your child. Start with the normal way of playing where the person ‘spying’ says “I spy with my little eye” and chooses a color of the object they see, and everyone tries to guess. This could be done in the house, in a car or taxi, or walking down the road (remember pointing may not be culturally appropriate so just use words). Then instead of looking for objects, say, “Now let's look for things that might not be safe”. For example, you might say, "I spy with my little eye something gray, (then everyone guesses) and it was a car driving too fast. You may need to do some practice walks where the parents point out some examples of these types of things. Rather than say why they are dangerous (that can create unnecessary anxiety i.e. the car could injure us) just talk about how to be safe. Since the car is driving too fast, let's stay on the far side of the sidewalk. Or since that person has a gun, let's walk down the other street.

What If

Play "What If" scenarios with your child, asking them how they would respond to different situations. For example, "What if someone approached you and asked you to get into their car?" or "What if you got lost in a crowded place?" For ages, 5-10 keep the scenarios balanced with good and challenging options with good answers. For example, "What if someone tells you that you must keep a secret from your parents???" The answer is, “In our family, we keep surprises not secrets”. If you are doing this once a week you can have scenarios written and put them into a jar or Tupperware and pull them out. Add scenarios as they happen in real life for practice for next time.

Temperature Check

Once a week with your family do a temperature check. This is about the feelings, observations, or changes they have noticed within themselves or each other over the last week. Have they been more angry, excited, sad, or happy? Be sure to have available printed-out feelings charts (wheel example, faces example). You can have them share a high and a low of the week and how those situations made them feel. Practice what feelings they noticed in each other and their parents. As they get older you can ask them about those in their neighborhood, school, or country. This increases emotional intelligence and helps you know how they are seeing the world around them. There are no right or wrong answers about themselves.

Once a Month

Hat activity

Get the family together, especially before a transition in or out of the country you are living in. Talk about how people wear different hats, shoes, or gloves for different jobs in different places. What does a firefighter wear? What about a nurse or doctor? How about a construction worker? What hat does our family need to have on before we go on this trip (or return home)? How do we talk about what we do and why we are here (substitute “here” with the place you are going)? It can be good to practice the short and long answers and how they may be different when talking to expats from the same organization vs. national friends, colleagues, and strangers.

Memory Games

Play memory games with your child that involve memorizing details about their surroundings. Have everyone look around the room, restaurant, or even your house. Then have everyone close their eyes and for 5-12 year-olds ask easy questions about the space. Do easy ones like with the game eye spy (objects, colors, people). Then ask more challenging and risk preparedness questions, where is the door? Where is a safe place to go if there is danger (no need to explain what all the dangers are because that creates anxiety), and how many people? Be sure to take turns so that the parents practice too and the kids can be the ones asking questions. Not every time, but sometimes do a debrief about why it's good to notice our surroundings.

Hide and Seek

Start by playing hide and seek (or Sardines). This is done by one person counting to 20 (slow) and everyone running and hiding. Then the person counting goes and tries to find everyone. After playing for a few rounds, then practice hiding with different scenarios (choose these based on the likelihood of them occurring where you are living). If you hear a loud screeching noise? If you hear loud pops? If the house starts to shake? Do not focus on what the cause might be because that is not so important but rather on having a good response to the stimulus. Don’t say gunshots because you don’t want the family to be debating if that loud noise is a gunshot or a backfire rather to go to the place you have been practicing.

Scripture Memorization

Psalm 46 says God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Choose verses that will help the children have access in their minds and hearts to truths in scripture about God’s presence. This is a good theological training ground so it is important to talk about the fact that sometimes; difficult, sad, and even dangerous things can happen. These are verses to remind us about how God will be with us even when things are difficult (Do not make promises about God that do not fit their experiences i.e. God will keep us safe).

Once a Year

Ready Set GO BAG

Depending on the likelihood of evacuation (if it's a higher likelihood practice this more often) have a family game/activity of packing bags. You may want to announce that it is time to play and walk through the house (no cleaning up ahead of time) so everyone can notice where their belongings are. At least every few months there needs to be an updated list of what goes in the go bag. You may always have a bag packed but this activity is about mental preparedness for a sudden leaving more than getting stuff (because the parents will make sure the important things are collected). If each person has a bag or space in a bag to fill then set a timer for 5 or 10 minutes and have everyone go and collect their belongings. If you want to make it a competition, have a stopwatch timer and see how fast you can do it. Be sure to add a time penalty if things are forgotten. After the game, stop and talk about what happened, what's important, and how the experience was.

Happy Feet

Take time several times a year to draw the good memories of the places you are living or spending time in and talk about them or reenact them. It is helpful for kids to notice the good things or the ways the family has seen God at work around them. This can be a thankfulness exercise or just good experiences, people, or places.

Do Have, Don’t Have

(Adapted from God is With Me, Mccombs )
- Ask, “How is your life different now than it used to be before?" Change can be hard, and many changes all at the same time can be very hard. It is normal to feel sad, worried, angry, or afraid when a lot of things change, especially when they change for the worse. Maybe these changes have made us lose things, relationships, or freedoms we were used to having before moving here. It is good to talk about what we have lost and how we feel about that.

1. Give each member of the family a small stack of sticky notes (or small pieces of paper and tape).

2. On each sticky note, write one thing you like to do, something you enjoy having, or a person you love to be with (young children can draw pictures).

3. Find a window or a place on a wall where you can stick these notes to.

4. When everybody is finished, have each person share what they wrote on their sticky notes.

5. Now look at your sticky notes and find any things you no longer have, can no longer do, and people you can no longer physically be with because of your current situation. Put those sticky notes in a separate group on the window or wall. These are the things you have lost for now.

Ages 13-18

This age is characterized by identity formation and asking the deeper questions about why life is the way it is. Much of their formation happens in the context of peer relationships. If they do not have many in the context you are living in (or are away at a boarding school) it is more important to create environments in the family for safe, judgment-free, processing, questioning, and exploring.

Once a Week

Temperature Check

Once a week with your teens do a temperature check. This is about the feelings, observations, or changes they have noticed within themselves or each other over the last week. Have they been more angry, excited, sad, or happy? Notice with them how it has been for you as parents too. It is important for them to know, in an appropriate way, if you have been stressed or anxious because it normalizes their experience. Start with each family member sharing one at a time in each category below. Asking about changes in the feeling or behavior of those outside the house (friends and neighbors) teaches them to be more aware as time goes on and pay attention to their surroundings.

- - Myself
  - My family
  - My friends
  - My neighborhood or community

Once a Month

Memory Games

- Play memory games with your teen similar to the one above for younger children. With the teens challenge them to notice more details about their surroundings, such as the number of exits in a room or the location of fire extinguishers. This can help them develop their observation and recall skills.

Scripture Memorization

- Psalm 46 says God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Choose verses that will help the children have access in their minds and hearts to truths in scripture about God’s presence. This is a good theological training ground so it is important to talk about the fact that sometimes; difficult, sad, and even dangerous things can happen. These are verses to remind us about how God will be with us even when things are difficult (Do not make promises about God that do not fit their experiences i.e. God will keep us safe). Challenge the teens to learn more verses and practice them regularly. It would be good for you as parents to do the same. You can even talk about different scenarios that might happen and which verses would be helpful (waiting in line at immigration, hiding in the bathroom from danger).

Once a year

Ready set GO BAG

In addition to the younger kids above; With teens, they may have some responsibilities for doing specific things (to be checked on by the parents). In the drill, they may be responsible for getting rid of books or papers or packing their most important school books. They can help update the lists you have and double-check the parents that the important things are checked off the list. You may even have one teen responsible for checking off the list as everyone else is running around grabbing things.

Who am I?

- Talk with your teens about who they are as a child of God, TCK (Third Culture Kid), member of your family, and which part of them is safe to share with the context you are in or are going to if ahead of a transition. They can draw or create representations of themselves and you as parents can offer affirmations of how you see good things in them.

Boundaries Bullseye

(Adapted from Healing the Wounds of Teen’s Trauma Mccombs, Covey, Lanz):

- Take some time to think about the boundaries we have with people in our life. Draw a target on a piece of paper.” If you do this yearly it will come easier and more natural.
- Draw a picture that represents yourself in the middle. Now, think of the various types of relationships in your life. Write the names of the people closest to you in the circle surrounding your picture. These are the people you trust the most and feel safest with—family, best friends. In the next circle, write the names of people who are close to you, but not in your inner circle—often friends. The next circle is for acquaintances or people you interact with regularly but who wouldn’t be in the inner circles. On the outside, write the names or types of people with whom you have stronger boundaries because you don’t feel as safe with them or know them as well, or people you know you wouldn’t be able to trust to respect your boundaries.
- Have them journal or talk about these discussion questions.
  - What are the qualities that make someone feel safe to you?
  - Who do you feel safe with right now?
  - What qualities in people help you feel safer with them or trust them more?
  - Who has moved or maybe needs to be moved in or out of your circles? Why or Why not?
  - Is God in your circle?

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