In our Brain HQ program, we devote quite a bit of time to people skills. We hear stories; we practice remembering what they said; or understand their train of thought.  We look for signs on their faces, which may display emotions and look at the face from different angles to identify if they are familiar.  But what exactly are people skills, and why are they important?

Despite people skills being an essential part of our work, personal life, and social success, they are also under appreciated assets.  Researchers define people skills as three sets of abilities:

Personal effectiveness:  As a people skill, this is about how you come across to others.  Are you able to pitch yourself?  Can you communicate clearly? Can you express what you need from others?  Someone with strong personal effectiveness typically also makes a memorable first impression and has a confident presence with the people they meet.

Interaction ability:  This is how well you predict and decode behavior. In an interaction, can you empathize with someone? Are you highly perceptive?

Peacemaker:  Someone with strong people skills is able to intercede or mediate easily.  This means they are able to lead, influence, and build bridges between people.  Are you a connector? A mediator or negotiator? Often times this can be calming down difficult or toxic people.

Interpersonal skills are a type of people skills, we use to communicate with people individually and in groups.  People who have worked on developing strong interpersonal skills are usually more successful in both their professional and personal lives.  You will often see “strong interpersonal skills” listed in job requirements -proof that it is important in the work force.  

Another reason why interpersonal skills do matter is because none of us live in a bubble!  In the course of our lives, we have to interact with other people, on a daily if not hourly basis, and sometimes more often.  

How are your interpersonal skills?  There are many tests online which can help you discover how well you communicate.  Not surprisingly, these quizzes are made up of questions which summarize certain beliefs and emotions, which affect our interpersonal skills.  Online tests are as accurate as your honesty.  Try to think about the questions and answer them in the most truthful way. 

Interpersonal Skills questionnaire:

http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ls/index.php/343479/

According to this website, here are some interpersonal skills that you may possess:

• Communication: 

 verbal - what we say and how we say it

non-verbal - what we communicate without words (body language or tone of  voice)

listening skills - how we interpret both the verbal and non-verbal messages sent by others.

• Emotional intelligence: being able to understand and manage your own and others' emotions

• Team-working: being able to work with others in groups and teams, formally and informally.

• Negotiation: working with others to find a mutually agreeable (Win/Win)   outcome. 

• Conflict resolution: working with others to resolve interpersonal conflict and disagreements in a positive way.

• Problem solving: working with others to identify, define and solve problems, includes making decisions about the best course of action.

There are ways to improve your interpersonal skills.  These include:

• • Practice empathy: Understanding how people feel will help you communicate your thoughts and ideas in a way that makes sense to others and it helps you understand others when they communicate.

• • Cultivate a positive attitude: You don't have to be incredibly sociable but you must develop some type of positive rapport with others in the work place, so it's pleasant for everyone.  Offer assistance to help others if you have time to spare.

  • Recognize others' expertise: Let colleagues know that you value their skills. Ask for help on certain tasks and projects; let others know they've done a good job and they are appreciated. 

  • Show interest: Observe what is going on in people’s lives. Get to know what's important for them as this helps build positive relationships. 

  • Become self-aware: Accurately recognize your emotions, strengths, limitations, actions, and understand how these affect others around you. By developing these skills you will be able to act more thoughtfully.  

  • Handling difficult people: Try to find one good characteristic in this person as it can become significantly easier to interact with them if you remind yourself of this trait.                                           

  • Be assertive: When you confidently express your needs and opinions in a fair, honest and calm way while considering the needs of others. You will be respected if you're assertive in your communication rather than being passive or aggressive.  People will trust you more and conversation will flow more smoothly. 

  • No distractions: Before engaging in a conversation, put the phone away and ensure it's not visible to make it clear that you're fully focusing on the discussion.  Be respectful and give those involved your full attention. 

  • Be mindful of your body language: Are you sending out negative communication signals? Hunched shoulders or hands in pockets and looking down suggests you don't have confidence in what you're saying, folded arms might seem like you're not open to the other person's ideas and pointing your finger may look accusatory or defensive.  

  • Avoid talking over others: This suggests you're not listening or not willing to listen. 

  • Think before you speak: Consider how your words are going to affect the others in the conversation before you say anything.  You must be honest but you must also remain respectful.

  • Be open: This allows for understanding what's being said by positively receiving feedback and providing honest feedback in return.  It also gives everyone a fair chance to share their views and opinions and prevents you from becoming defensive or attacking. 

  • Avoid finishing others' sentences: You may think that finishing other people's sentence is helpful or that it shows your understanding. However, others may interpret this as though you think they're not worth listening to or that you're impatient. 

  • Respect others' thoughts and opinions: Even if you disagree, you should have the courtesy of letting the other person speak before respectfully expression your opinions.  Even if you both don't agree at the end of the discussion at least you'll both have an understanding of a different viewpoint. 

Interpersonal skills may seem like a simple concept, as it essentially involves just speaking with others.  However, there are many factors to be aware of.  It is important to practice these skills whenever you can, as the best way to improve our skills is by applying them as much as possible.

Psychologist Dr. Karyn Hall published a book entitled, "The Emotionally Sensitive Person" that provides cognitive behavioral and mindfulness techniques to help people who struggle with intense emotions.  In her book, teaches powerful tools how to stay present, identify emotional triggers and recognize negative thought patterns before you start acting on them.

She offers four ways to increase your interpersonal skills to help manage these emotions before they take over your life.  For example, emotional reactions can be triggered by television shows, magazine articles, places you have visited, anniversaries and more.  Interpersonal issues can be challenging to people struggling with emotions. The suggestions include:

Think dialectically: Dialectical thinking is a resolution of disagreement through rational discussion in the search for truth in all points of view. When you think dialectically, you are always asking what you can be missing. You don’t have to give up your own view; you recognize that all views may be true, and a synthesis of these views may lead to a greater understanding. In this case, you are cognitively flexible and curious about understanding other views. You do not judge others for their views - this is hugely important!

Use relational mindfulness: Be aware of your mental state and how others are reacting. You observe the other person without judgment and participate fully with them. Focus on the relationship and not on the specific issue of the moment. By remaining calm, it is easier not to be annoyed at little things.  If you are upset, allow yourself time to calm down. You are observing; you only know what you see, hear, and touch. You don’t interpret or guess in negative ways.

Assume the best with wisdom: It's easy to interpret actions as negative. This habit can lead to stresses on relationships. Practice assuming the best of those you care about! Assume that they have your best interests at heart, even if you may not appreciate the choices that they make.

Practice acceptance and letting go: Relationships are and can be messy.  Accept that there will be these challenging times, but practice holding on to the good times. Notice when you're dwelling on painful experiences and accept the experience was painful, but then visualize letting go of the thoughts.  Replace the thoughts with memories of pleasant interactions.

This handout featured lessons on interpersonal skills. It offers a variety of ways to improve social skills in both work and in your personal life. It offers a list of skills, which mark a person with high interpersonal skills, and suggests characteristics of a person with great interpersonal skills.

Readings like this warrant a special kind of assignment.  In this case, there are 3 assignments, which should help you to understand what are interpersonal skills and to visualize what a person with good interpersonal skills may look like.  

The most important part is that you take part in the assignment, and how you summarize your participation is up to you.  We would like to hear from you that you did these assignments, and if you have any feedback.  We would love to hear it!  We learn by expressing ourselves and by completing this assignment, you will further cement your understanding.  Email your results  to plittler@sdccd.edu or msloan@sdccd.edu, and we will compile your thoughts as a group with your names removed so it remains anonymous.  Please write "Lesson 6 assignment" in your email subject heading.

In the first page of the handout, interpersonal skills are considered from the workplace environment.  Work can be volunteer or a paid occupation, and most of us have been in both situations at one point. Look at the characteristics of people with good people skills. Now, think back to a employer or coworker, who you believed possessed many of these skills.  Describe this person, and tell us why this person seemed to have strong skills. Do you remember any specific examples?

Take the Interpersonal Skills questionnaire: http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ls/index.php/343479/  How did you rate?  Were you surprised?  Judging from your answers, can you think of any ways that you could improve your own people skills? 

Pick an area of focus.  It can be as simple as smiling on a regular schedule, practicing mindful meditation, assuming the best in others.  Or it can require a more extensive course of action like practicing  dialectics thinking, such as replacing your all-or-nothing to both-and soften extreme language (remove "always" or "never").  For example, instead of thinking: "I am a failure," change that to "sometimes I fail and sometimes I succeed."  Instead of "You never listen to me!" to "You are not listening to me right now."  Read more here "A Daily Dose of Dialectics" by Dr. Jillian Glasgow: http://broadviewpsychology.com/2020/05/11/a-daily-dose-of-dialectics/  

Whatever you decide, try to do it for a week (or several days at least). Keep a journal so you can follow how you are progressing.  See if this minor effort can make a major change in your demeanor.

How we socialize and our interactions with others are complex and dynamic.  Those social interactions can convey a rich information based on the actions, intentions, personality type and goals of the persons involved.  From an early age, we use these social interactions to decide for ourselves: Who to trust? Who to learn from? or Who is in charge?  The social brain processes our interactions with others subconsciously since childhood.  Our interpersonal skill is something we can easily take for granted, if we do not pay attention to how we communicate with others.  Therefore, it's worth investing to identify blind spots about ourselves, so our communications and relationships do not suffer.

The People Skills exercises are designed to help us improve aspects of our interpersonal skills, like social cognition, attention, auditory, and visual processing.  They were designed to encourage active listening and to recognize other people's facial expressions, so that we can evaluate and respond appropriately in social situations.  Ideally, the exercises are to help you feel socially comfortable and confident around others.

You can learn more about "People Skills" exercises by clicking here.  Click the orange icon for detailed information about the skills targeted, how the exercises change when you improve, and how you are scored.  There is also a video demonstration for each exercise: Face facts,  Face-to-face,  In the know,  and Recognition.

Effective Communication - Improving your social skills. (2010). Retrieved from: http://www.anxietybc.com/self-help/effective-communication-improving-your-social-skills

New Harbinger Publications (2014, October).  Help for the Emotionally Sensitive. Retrieved from: https://www.newharbinger.com/blog/self-help/help-for-the-emotionally-sensitive-a-qa-with-karyn-d-hall-phd/

What are Interpersonal Skills? (2021). Retrieved from Skills You Need: http://www.skillsyouneed.com/interpersonal-skills.html

10 Essential People Skills You Need to Succeed (2020). Retrieved from https://www.scienceofpeople.com/people-skills/

How to improve interpersonal Skills (2018).  Retrieved from: https://virtualspeech.com/blog/how-to-improve-interpersonal-skills

Glasgow, J. (2020, May). "A Daily Dose of Dialectics" Retrieved from: http://broadviewpsychology.com/2020/05/11/a-daily-dose-of-dialectics/