Social-Emotional Learning

Tips and Information for the Classroom and More

Published Weekly by Chelsea Jennings, Assistant Principal, Lakeside Junior High School

Recovery

May 27, 2021

The craziest and most exhausting school year is finally coming to a close. You have put the needs of others before your own throughout this year, and now it's time to recover and fill your own tank. You are all deserving of some guilt-free "do nothing" time. Enjoy your summer break!

Restorative Practices, Cont.

May 20, 2021

Building on last week's post about approaches to discipline, it is probably obvious yet important to note that even the best systems will not solve all our problems. Many behavior issues are rooted in stress/trauma, external factors, and skill deficits that will not be fixed overnight. There is a need for a hybrid of practices that balance control (traditional) and support (restorative). While there are times when punitive, exclusionary measures are needed, such as removing a student from school who threatens the safety and wellbeing of themselves and others, a focus on restorative practices could prevent escalation of those incidents and instill skills that will benefit the student (and society) long-term.

Studies, such as this one, show that restorative practices have a positive impact, particularly with marginalized groups who "face higher rates of trauma, exclusionary discipline and detachment from school than their peers."

The linked study found that proactive restorative practices improve:

  • Connections to teachers

  • Relationships with peers, and family

  • Sense of safety and positive school climate

  • Social-emotional skills

  • Mental health, resilience, and empowerment

So how does this look in practice? Most schools choose to focus on behavior RTI. As most of us know (and as reinforced in the RTI pyramid example below), it all comes down to relationships. Behaviors like bullying and fighting are more obviously connected to relationships (student to student), but behaviors like skipping class and insubordination are also about relationships (student to teacher/school).

  • 85% of the work is building and reaffirming relationships in the school (e.g. establishing routines, creating community, using SEL strategies).

  • 10% is responding to difficulties in relationships and mending conflicts (e.g. mediation, restorative questions or circles).

  • 5% is in rebuilding relationships (e.g. formal conference/dialogue to repair harm done to an individual, the school, or community at large).

In traditional discipline, the focus is often on the offender, responding to a past event, and punishment. With restorative practices, the focus is on the victim/community, understanding motivation and impact of actions, and repairing damage through empathy and a chance to "make it right" moving forward. While creating a schoolwide system can take years, teachers can start implementing a more restorative approach by having an SEL mindset about behavior and asking the following questions next time a student acts out or is involved in a conflict that could be addressed at the classroom level.

Restorative Practices

May 14, 2021

There are two main approaches to discipline. The traditional approach focuses on external, punitive, and exclusionary means. This is the one we most often rely on because it is how we were raised and how many of our institutions were structured. However, particularly when it applies to students raised in adversity, this approach can do more harm than good and is attributed to the school-to-prison pipeline. The National Education Association says, "A suspension can be life altering. It is the number-one predictor— more than poverty—of whether children will drop out of school, and walk down a road that includes greater likelihood of unemployment, reliance on social-welfare programs, and imprisonment."

"These [traditional behavioral systems] DO NOT work for children who come to school without the security of feeling safe or loved. These children will lose whatever privilege is at stake and will fail to earn whatever privilege there is to earn. They become increasingly discouraged as their years in school progress. Their view of themselves becomes one of incompetence, their view of the world becomes one of increasing injustice, and their view of the future becomes distorted into self-sabotage or revenge against society" (Conscious Discipline, 2014).

There is an alternative approach to discipline that many schools are adopting and that shows promising results. Restorative practices focus on building internal motivation and self-regulatory, problem-solving, prosocial skills. Schools use inclusionary, intervention-based means for discipline. The downside is that this takes time, patience, and a different mindset and structure for addressing behavior. Building a restorative community is an evolutionary process which needs everyone to be involved in a consistent application of restorative principles and practice over time. Many of the foundational pieces for this have been discussed in these weekly tips. In next week's tip, I will include what research says about this approach and tips for moving toward more supportive discipline practices.

Relax

April 28, 2021

This tip is a simple reminder that stress is a physical response and to mindfully let go of that tension. As you are reading this, follow these steps. If you realize you were unknowingly holding onto stress in your body, you might put a reminder in your phone or calendar each day to go through this process. You can also walk your students through this, especially if it's a particularly stressful day, and teach them a new skill that will benefit their wellbeing.

SEL Matters

April 15, 2021

Amidst testing season and summative conversations, I thought I would share results of a study on the impact of a proactive, schoolwide approach to implementing SEL. As you can see, findings show improvement in achievement scores, social-emotional skills, attitude, and behaviors. As we reflect on the year and our students' needs in the aftermath of the pandemic, how can we strengthen our approach to SEL opportunities and interventions next year?

Unlocking the Stress Cycle

April 7, 2021

In the introduction of this book, it mentions that 20-30% of teachers experience moderate to high levels of burnout...and this is a statistic that applies in a normal, pre-COVID year. I imagine the impact of pandemic schooling is catching up with many teachers, and we are reaching that April-May point in the year where it takes an intentional effort to finish strong.

Burnout explains that teachers (and counselors, administrators, social workers, secretaries, and nurses) are susceptible because people who help other people are at a higher risk of stress and burnout. They call it "human giver syndrome."

In "Teachers and Burnout: What to Do When You Can’t Change the World," it provides a brief overview of the book and how to identify burnout:

  • Emotional exhaustion – this is common among caregivers and those in caring professions, especially when things are difficult and chronic. Caring too much for too long leads to exhaustion.

  • Depersonalization – when people become detached from others, and can not access empathy, compassion, or caring.

  • Decreased sense of accomplishment – that feeling that no matter what you do, you are not doing it well, and if you are, it won’t make a difference anyway.

Emotional exhaustion is the first sign of burnout, and it's important to recognize and address it before it reaches the point of Depersonalization, which is when we start to disconnect from our students, colleagues, and work. Students can detect this and will notice teachers "are less prepared, less tolerant of class disruptions, and less empathetic to the challenges faced by students."

It is also important to note that our students can experience burnout, which might be evident in students who are socially and academically apathetic, chronically absent, or seem "checked out" from school.

Stress is a physical response to a threat. To unlock the stress cycle our brain and body must communicate that acute danger is over and we can relax. Here are some physical activities that can help us intentionally complete the stress cycle.

  • Sweat - Getting our heart rate up and doing challenging physical activity is one of the quickest and most reliable ways to de-stress the brain and body.

  • Breathe - Focusing on deep, slow breaths will bring you to the present moment and calm your brain.

  • Smile - Smiling cues the brain that we are safe and sparks positive social interaction.

  • Laugh - Laughing also cues the brain and releases tension.

  • Hug - Hugs and other types of physical affection can signal safety and connection to the brain.

  • Cry - While not near as fun as laughing, crying can be very cathartic and help our body release accumulated tension.

  • Create - Sing, dance, paint, draw, write, bake, cook...any creative expression will help process emotions indirectly and result in a calmer, more productive state for the brain.

Active Listening

April 1, 2021

We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know." -Carl Rogers

Active listening involves listening with all senses. It is one of the most critical skills in communication because it helps build understanding, connections, and trust.

These days, most students and adults have cell phones, laptops, and other technology near them at all times, which creates a distraction from being "all in" when someone is speaking. As referenced in this article on the topic:

"A study by Microsoft released in the spring underscored a worrying consequence to the ubiquity of cellphones. It found that the human attention span has dwindled down from 12 seconds in 2000 to 8 seconds in 2013, a second less than a goldfish’s purported attention span. The research proves that our ability to focus is not only getting worse, but our social interactions are also taking a hit too... In a world driven by digital distractions, we are losing the art of listening, our ability to empathize and to interact with the people around us. While there are benefits to technological advances that can increase potentiality for socialization, the virtual world leads us — quite ironically — to social isolation."

We have been unavoidably reliant on technology this year to navigate the pandemic, but shutting down the screens and practicing active listening skills can enhance both learning and relationships. Most students need explicit instruction on what this looks like. This student-friendly graphic is one tool that can be used, as well as the purposeful listening strategies shared on this educator's blog.

Connection

March 18, 2021

To understand the need for social-emotional learning, it is important to understand the basic and ongoing human need for connection. As infants and children, connecting with nurturing caregivers is critical for healthy brain development. As adolescents, connecting with a social group and feeling a sense of belonging improves mental health. As adults, connecting with others (e.g. marriage, parenting, mentoring, friendship) is what gives our lives meaning and purpose.

Most conflicts stem from disconnection or triggered fears of being unseen, unheard, or unvalued, causing us to respond with the limbic/emotional system of our brain. The only way to soothe an upset emotional state is through connection.

We have experienced a full year of quarantines, social distancing, and mask-wearing, which has resulted in growing feelings of disconnection. As we start to return to some normalcy, many of us will need to intentionally rekindle connections and explicitly teach interpersonal skills to our students. When we return from Spring Break, I will focus tips on skills and strategies for enhancing connection.

Have a safe, restful, and fun break!

Being Intentional

March 12, 2021

Being busy is so commonplace, even glorified, in American society that many of us do not realize its impact on our wellbeing. Being present, intentional, and productive is a positive thing, but spreading ourselves thin and going through the motions of a busy life can take a toll on our emotional health, physical health, and relationships.

The busier we are, the more intentional we must be. There are responsibilities and tasks that must get done in our professional and personal lives; however, we can be more selective and mindful about what takes our time, attention, and energy. Here are some strategies to consider:

  1. Use the Eisenhower Matrix to process what to do, plan, delegate, and eliminate (see image). Writing it down in this way can provide mental clarity and motivation.

  2. Identify 1-2 personal core values that will help focus your work. Readjust your priorities, approach, and/or thinking to center on your values so that tackling obligations becomes more intentional and fulfilling.

*This week in our team meetings, each teacher identified his/her key values and selected one to intentionally focus on the remainder of the school year. I put the individual words up in the rotunda, but here is a word cloud of our collective intentions.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

March 5, 2021

"Humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place." -Mark Twain

In Ms. Guthrie's speech class yesterday, she started the lesson by putting a "Joke of the Day" on the board:

Why did I get fired from the ice cream shop?

Because I only worked sundaes.

The kids reacted to the wordplay in amusement, and it inspired a student to share his own joke:

Why did I get fired from the calendar shop?

I took a few days off.

We all laughed, and the tone for the class was set.

According to the American Psychological Association, research shows benefits of laughter in the classroom, including:

  • Stimulates both sides of the brain

  • Reduces tension

  • Increases motivation

  • Increases participation

There are various health benefits to laughter, including a boost to the immune system, decrease in stress hormones, and release of endorphins. It also improves our relationships because nothing diffuses conflict or tension faster than a shared laugh.

As you plan for the coming weeks, consider how you can incorporate humor and laughter in your life and classroom. Showing a funny video clip, playing a fun game, sharing a relatable meme, or telling a "Joke of the Day" are all simple ways to lighten the mood and improve learning.

Planting Seeds

February 26, 2021

I visited an Agricultural Science class this week, and students were calculating how long it takes for certain vegetable seeds to germinate and be ready to harvest. Mrs. Pennington explained that for this process to occur, it takes the right conditions (moisture, light, temperature, and time) and is different for every seed.

The metaphorical connection between this and educating students comes to mind. I often reference my favorite TED Talk, Sir Ken Robinson's "How to escape education's Death Valley." He talks about a phenomenon that occurred in Death Valley one year when there was a record amount of rainfall in the winter. Beautiful flowers carpeted the entire desert that spring. The lesson was that Death Valley isn't dead. It is dormant and just needs the right climate and conditions to come to life.

This year, with blended learning and COVID-related barriers, one frustration I hear from teachers is that it seems like we are putting in twice the effort and getting half the results. It can feel defeating when we do not see the outcomes or rewards of our hard work. Let's not forget that some students, some "seeds," need more time and the right climate to grow. Whether we see it or not, students are internalizing our words and level of warmth. Providing structure, support, compassion, encouragement, and patience is likely the exact conditions they need to thrive.

Winter Self-Care

February 18, 2021

With winter weather impacting our area and keeping most of us at home, it could be a good time to prioritize self-care. Last week's topic was "giving love," but that can include taking care of yourself or allowing others to take care of you when you need it.

Imagine your body/mind has a battery icon just like your phone. What's your battery life? If you've spent the week in a cozy home binge-watching Netflix, you might already feel recharged. If you've been in a chaotic environment, without utilities, or easily get the winter blues, you are likely in that yellow or red zone.

Winter self-care ideas:

  • Light a fire in the fireplace

  • Bake some comfort food

  • Sip on herbal tea

  • Bundle up and go on a walk in the snow

  • Stretch your body

  • Cuddle with a pet or someone you love

  • Read a book

  • Pamper yourself (e.g. bubble bath, face mask)

  • Knock one thing off your to-do list that will give you peace of mind

  • Plan a weekend or summer getaway to have something fun to look forward to

  • Listen to your favorite music

Needing a different self-care plan? Answer these questions:

  • What activities help you feel relaxed?

  • What are some positive things about yourself and your situation (or solutions) that you can focus on?

  • Who can you talk to about your thoughts/feelings (i.e. therapist, friend, loved one)?

Giving Love

February 11, 2021

With Valentine's Day coming up, I thought I'd share some quotes about love in the context of our work as educators. Conscious Discipline says, in the most simplest terms, that there are only two states of being: extending love (helpful) or calling for love (hurting/hurtful). We are all searching for the safety and connection of unconditional love, to know that it will still be there even when we make mistakes and our flaws surface. Our students who do not have that emotional security at home are in the most need of it at school, yet these students are often the ones who misbehave or seek attention in other ways. If we look below the surface of the behavior (tip of the iceberg), we are better equipped to see and address that need. To complete the quote from Mr. Rogers below, "The greatest thing we can do is to show someone they're loved and they're capable of being loved."

Pandemic Wall

February 5, 2021

Feeling burnt out the last few weeks? Noticing your students are becoming more apathetic? An article published yesterday, It's Not Just You. A Lot Of Us Are Hitting A Pandemic Wall Right Now, might provide some insight as to why many are feeling fatigued.

"When we experience a stressful event (like, say, literally any- and everything that’s happened during the past year), our brain sends a burst of energy through our body that enables us to respond to nearby threats.

Typically, the brain and body calm down and rest once the stressor is removed. Throughout the pandemic, however, we’ve been exposed to so many stressors that our system hasn’t been able to catch a break. Cortisol is just pumping through our bodies at rates we haven’t had to contend with before.

When our fight-or-flight system has been totally overworked like that, even little things that might not have bothered us before can get to us... Eventually, those feelings build up and can become emotionally exhausting."

If you can relate, click on the article link for more information about how our stress system works and how to get through this period with healthy coping mechanisms.

Q-TIP

January 27, 2021

"The behavior is not happening to you, it's happening in front of you." -Amy Speidel

When a child, spouse, colleague, friend, or random internet troll is in an emotional state and taking it out on us (e.g. argumentative, blaming, insubordinate, aggressive), it's easy to "flip our lid" along with them. We often take it personal, go on the defense, and escalate the situation.

Remembering that each person is in charge of his/her own feelings and behaviors allows us to create a healthy separation. They can't "make" us upset. It's a choice. Q-TIP (quit taking it personally) is a simple reminder of this, and it allows us to maintain composure and empathize...critical skills for de-escalation.

This reminds me of advice I received from a mentor when dealing with a conflict as a teacher. She said to go by the mantra, "Professional, not personal," and I cannot tell you how many times I have said this to myself over the years. It's not always easy in the heat of the moment, but this type of self-regulation will lessen stress levels and model the behavior we hope to see in others.

Choices

January 19, 2021

I wanted to come back to a tip we discussed at the beginning of the year because it might be one of the more successful strategies I have used in avoiding power struggles. If a child is in an emotional state, providing two positive choices can increase compliance, enhance decision-making, and focus attention. The child feels empowered instead of powered-over when given a voice.

There are exceptions to this strategy, though. If a student is in the survival state (i.e. fight, flight, or freeze), it is better to provide assertive commands to keep the child and others safe. If they are in the executive state (i.e. calm and ready to learn), you can provide more open-ended choices. In all three scenarios, the adult should provide positive reinforcement if the student chooses to cooperate.

Here are some simple instructions and examples from Conscious Discipline:





WWMRD?

January 6, 2021

I love Fred Rogers' quotes. Not only did I grow up watching him on TV, but he was at the forefront of the social-emotional learning movement (before it was a buzzword). He wanted children to learn that "feelings are mentionable and manageable." The following quotes align with the Conscious Discipline principle that adults must first understand and model SEL skills.

There is a lot we can still learn from Mr. Rogers. NPR's "How The Science Of Learning Is Catching Up To Mr. Rogers" discusses how he was ahead of the education world in his research and approach. The show lives on for a new generation in the popular Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, which is an animated version of Mr. Rogers' puppet and curriculum. For adults, the documentary Won't You be My Neighbor? and Tom Hanks in A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood are incredibly moving tributes to his work and legacy. If and when you see these or encounter his quotes, just know that he embodies the spirit and practice of SEL.

Reminder...

December 15, 2020

For the last SEL tip of 2020, I wanted to remind you that you are doing an amazing job. You ARE a good teacher.

I read a post about student performance during the pandemic that has stuck with me. Here is a small excerpt:

"Kids are only falling behind if we choose to measure them on...a scale determined by test scores and achievement measures designed decades ago... Kids aren't falling behind. Kids are adapting. They are learning new skills. They are overcoming. Kids are surviving a pandemic that has shaken their world before they fully understood it."

This same quote applies to teachers. This is not the year to measure success based on test scores, student grades, and TESS rubrics. You are adapting. You are learning new skills. You are helping kids. You will get through this year and be a better and stronger educator because of it.

I hope the break provides you with the rest and recharge you need and deserve!

Healing the effects of childhood adversity

December 10, 2020

I recently finished reading the book, The Deepest Well. It was incredibly eye-opening, and I recommend it to any teacher, counselor, physician, or person who deals with the effects of childhood trauma or toxic stress. I will share some excerpts and takeaways through this platform, but here is the synopsis in case you want to read it yourself (or listen to the author read via audiobook)!

Two thirds of us have experienced at least one adverse childhood experience, from the likes of bereavement and divorce to abuse and neglect. In The Deepest Well Dr. Burke Harris reveals the science behind childhood adversity and offers a new way of understanding the adverse events that affect us throughout our lifetime. Based on her own groundbreaking clinical work and public leadership, Dr. Burke Harris shows us how we can disrupt this cycle through interventions that help retrain the brain and body, foster resilience, and help children, families, and adults live healthier, happier lives.

This book helps readers see a problem hiding in plain sight that impacts us all. By looking at the widespread crisis of childhood adversity through the objective lens of science and medicine, this book provides a roadmap for deeper understanding and change.

Connecting during remote learning

December 2, 2020

While students are home and classes are being held remotely, here are some simple ways to connect with kids and foster social-emotional wellbeing:

  1. Establish routines - Routine gives a sense of stability, which can be comforting to students. Try to create a predictable structure for your synchronous lessons and Google Classroom process.

  2. Make it Fun and Engaging - Have students change their background picture to a certain theme, such as their favorite food or hobby, so the class can learn more about each other. Play games or use engagement tools, such as selector spinners, to encourage students to connect with each other.

  3. Be Available - Allow students to set appointments for 1:1 or small group time, or have a set office time where you are available on Zoom to talk or provide support for "walk-ins."

  4. Open Class with a Check-In - Use the chat feature or a tech tool to allow students to process or share how they are doing.

  5. Reach Out to Missing Students (or Parents) - Send an email or make a phone call to check on students who are not engaging. Let them know you miss them in class and/or ask how you can help.

Attitude of Gratitude

November 16, 2020

In celebration of Thanksgiving, I wanted to focus this week's tip on the power of gratitude. It is scientifically proven that gratitude can improve our psychological health. While having a daily or weekly structure for this can significantly improve satisfaction with life and relationships, the best part about gratitude is you can use it as a tool to improve your mood anytime, anywhere. Even if having a terrible day, it just requires shifting your focus to what brings you joy or the positive you can find in the moment. Here are some activities you can try on your own or with your students to foster an attitude of gratitude:

  1. Write a "thank you" note (handwritten letter, text, email, or sticky note) letting someone know you appreciate them.

  2. Journal 3-5 things you are grateful for. If it helps, you can focus on prompts: I'm grateful for (sounds/colors/seasons/people/memories). Some people find it life-changing to do this every morning or night before bed.

  3. Go on a walk and take in all the things in nature that bring you joy (e.g. the sound of birds, the color of the trees). You can also do this in your house or at school focusing on objects and people.

  4. Create a collage with images and words of things you are grateful for. Put this somewhere that you will see daily as a reminder.

  5. Spread gratitude by "paying it forward." If you get a compliment, give one or more to others! If you received a random act of kindness, brighten someone else's day by buying their coffee or offering to put away their shopping cart. Bonus: it will make both you and the recipient feel good.

Recognizing Adolescent Depression

November 11, 2020

In our recent team discussions about student motivation and failing grades, a few teachers mentioned that many of our students seem depressed this year. The pandemic has had a significant impact on mental health, and teens might feel even more helpless and socially-isolated than adults. In response to concerns, I wanted to share information and resources for recognizing and addressing adolescent depression.

If you feel a student needs help, they can take a private online depression screening at www.mhascreening.org, be referred to Ozark Guidance school-based counseling, or talk to our social worker or school counselors. For suicidal thoughts, they can also use the Crisis Text Line or Suicide Prevention Hotline. Integrating social-emotional learning strategies in the classroom, such as a "dump and jump" or journaling, can help teachers to identify and lessen the negative impacts of depression.

According to Mental Health America, depression can be difficult to diagnose in teens because adults may expect teens to act moody. Also, adolescents do not always understand or express their feelings very well. They may not be aware of the symptoms of depression and may not seek help.

These symptoms may indicate depression, particularly when they last for more than two weeks:

  • Poor performance in school

  • Withdrawal from friends and activities

  • Sadness and hopelessness

  • Lack of enthusiasm, energy or motivation

  • Anger and rage

  • Overreaction to criticism

  • Feelings of being unable to satisfy ideals

  • Poor self-esteem or guilt

  • Indecision, lack of concentration or forgetfulness

  • Restlessness and agitation

  • Changes in eating or sleeping patterns

  • Substance abuse

  • Problems with authority

  • Suicidal thoughts or actions

Tip of the Iceberg

November 3, 2020

"Beneath every behavior is a feeling. And beneath every feeling is a need. And when we meet that need rather than focus on the behavior, we begin to deal with the cause not the symptom."

-Ashleigh Warner, Psychologist

This image reminds us that behaviors are just the tip of the iceberg. If we see every misbehavior as defiance and address it with punishment, we will fail to see the calls for help and opportunities to teach missing skills. Social-emotional learning strategies help us to help kids recognize and address what's below the surface, which can improve well-being and behavior long-term.

The Skill of Empathy

October 27, 2020

Out-of-control, upset children need empathy to become organized and access the higher centers of the brain.

Empathy does not change the limits on behavior; it helps children to become better able to accept them. It empowers children to own their feelings and become responsible for regulating them.

Remember D.N.A.

  • Describe their face and body cues. "Your face is going like this (demonstrate)."

  • Name the feeling the child is communicating. "You seem angry."

  • Acknowledge the child's desire while validating the experience. "You wanted ____" or "You were hoping _____." You can then help the child shift from what they don't want to what they do want (problem solve to find acceptable solutions or next steps).

-Conscious Discipline: Building Resilient Classrooms

I want to share two videos that helped me better understand what empathy is and is not. They are entertaining and insightful, so I hope you take a few minutes to watch!

Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor who has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. This animated video (2:53) summarizes her take on empathy.

Dr. Becky Bailey is an award-winning author and internationally recognized expert in childhood education and developmental psychology. In this humorous video, she imitates an angry child coming home griping about a teacher. The "mother" acts out both immature and mature empathy styles.

Empathy - Fix it or feel it?

October 21, 2020

The desire to be understood is a powerful human motivator... Empathy transforms relationships. When others understand and empathize with us, we feel connected, clarify our thoughts, uncover our feelings and understand ourselves better. The integrative process of empathy helps us feel whole. -Conscious Discipline: Building Resilient Classrooms (p. 232)

While reading about empathy styles and common practices many of us do instead of empathy, I reflected that I often resort to offering "fix it" advice. I bet this is fairly common among educators because we tend to be helpers, teachers, and problem solvers. The book points out that when we take it upon ourselves to fix a situation for a child rather than offering empathy, we inadvertently keep them from discovering their own solutions and send the message that it's up to other people to fix their problems or make them happy.

This was eye-opening for me, but I also thought, what if students, colleagues, friends or family come to us seeking our perspective or help in times of distress? A mentor suggested to ask the person, "Do you want me to fix it or feel it?" Asking this question prevents those of us knee-jerk "fixers" from attempting to save the person from their feelings and conflicts. Sometimes all someone needs is true empathy: to be present, loving, and accepting in their moment of discomfort or pain.

The Voice of No Doubt

October 13, 2020

There are three voices adults use: Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive. We might even use all three in a single interaction. Our tone of voice is critical. It is estimated that 93 percent of all communication is nonverbal, including voice tone, intention, and body language. Think about which voice you use when you are asking a child to follow instructions:

  • Passivity: The goal is to please others.

  • Aggression: The goal is to win by overpowering.

  • Assertiveness: The goal is clear communication that paints a picture of what we want others to do. It has a voice tone of "no doubt" and comes from an intention of helping children be successful instead of making them behave.

"If our nonverbal cues are passive, our children may easily choose not to comply. If our nonverbal cues are aggressive, our children may resist in self-defense.

Before children decide whether to comply with a command, they will read our facial expressions, tone of voice, and gestures. We increase the chances they will obey if we appear confident and in control, sound sure of ourselves, believe they can be successful, and use gestures to provide information."

-Conscious Discipline: Building Resilient Classrooms

Moving from "Making" to "Helping"

October 6, 2020

"Most of us rely on external means of attempting to control others' behaviors because that is how we were raised and how we were taught to 'discipline' children. Control-based systems don't build internal motivation and self-regulatory skills necessary for a life of purpose.

Instead of asking, 'What will make/get this child to ____?'

we must ask the new question,

'What will help this child more likely to be successful at ____?'"

--Conscious Discipline: Building Resilient Classrooms

Composure

October 1, 2020

Building off last week's information, here are some tips for managing stress and preventing angry outbursts:

Know that stress and a trigger always precede an angry reaction. Stress is the gasoline and trigger thoughts or events (perception of threat) are the match that ignites the explosion.

The opposite of stress is composure. Here are some immediate actions to take when you feel stress building up inside and need to gain your composure:

    • Deep belly breathing will activate the calming process and help you access your prefrontal lobes.

    • Calming self-talk overrides the negative thoughts. Say to yourself (or your own version of this), "I'm safe. Keep breathing. I can handle this."

    • Choose a different state. If you made a mistake, say "Oops" and try again. If someone else has triggered you, know that blaming and attacking are never helpful. Remember Q.T.I.P (Quit Taking it Personal). Other people's actions are NOT a statement of your self-worth.

We must consciously choose to upshift our state through composure or we will end up part of the problem instead of the solution.

--Conscious Discipline: Building Resilient Classrooms

Angry Outbursts

September 23, 2020

What do pressure cookers and humans have in common?

We have all witnessed or experienced angry outbursts at some point, whether it's a student, a family member, or even ourselves. Even the most level-headed people sometimes explode, but why?

"The stress response in the body emits chemicals such as adrenaline and cortisol. At high levels, these chemicals feel physically uncomfortable as the body becomes tense and rigid. As stress increases, the body feels like it wants to blow. Angry outbursts act as a quick release valve for overstressed systems."

Our bodies act like a pressure cooker, and lashing out verbally or physically offers an immediate sense of relief. The bad news is that the guilt and consequences of our behavior set in soon after.

Next week I will provide tips for preventing these outbursts!

--Conscious Discipline: Building Resilient Classrooms

Positive Intent

September 1, 2020

We have the choice to see the best or worst in each other.

Assuming negative motives in others' behavior focuses our energy on the problem and often results in an attack-defend communication process. Assuming positive intent helps us to stay calm, empathize, self-reflect, and focus on solutions.

“All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.” -Brene Brown

Lately we've talked a lot about grace. In this time of mass uncertainty and change, it will strengthen our connections and mental well-being if we assume others have positive intentions and are doing the best they can.

Reframing Negative Self-Talk

August 25, 2020

As promised, this is the first of what will be weekly tips to support social-emotional learning at Lakeside. We will focus on a new topic each week.

Negative self-talk throws off the balance of our autonomic nervous system, causing us to overreact/underreact and struggle to self-correct. The reality is that this school year will include many changes and challenges that could lead to negative self-talk (e.g. "I am terrible with technology. I'll never figure out remote learning.")

Reframing self-talk into positive language actually balances the nervous system and wires the brain for finding solutions!

As you're building your classroom culture, you might think how you can help students reframe negative self-talk into language and an attitude of growth mindset (see image below). You might also be mindful of your own inner thoughts. Don't "should" on yourself or beat yourself up after making mistakes. At Lakeside, we allow for redoes and do-overs for students and faculty!


Resources

To learn more, check out the following links: