Misunderstood Note

The way I recognize myself is far more abstract compared to someone who just views me as an ordinary highschool student.

I break into tears when my mind is cluttered with endless memories.

I can’t speak about the things that dig into my skin and reach my major arteries. 

I sit silent, nesting in my problems like a protective hen.

What’s wrong?

Oh if only I could tell.

If only, I could unplug the drain that is causing me to drown.

If only, I had a bucket to remove the water from my sinking boat. 

If only, I had the letters to piece into coherent words, that you would understand.

If only, I could.

“Apparently your own invisibility is the real problem causing her confusion.”

Highschoolers can only be immature and disrespectful.

There’s no such thing as real problems for them.

They aren’t mature enough to understand the adult burdens ahead of them.

They party too hard, always selfishly thinking about themselves all the time.

“Language that feels hurtful is intended to exploit all the ways that you are present.”

Blindly walk by my presence as I stand myself at a higher level you do not expect me to be.

Adults are judgemental and narrow-minded.

They only care about doing good to show ego to others, the face of ease and success.

They are all too serious and yell about small inconveniences.

I wouldn’t want to be an adult if I got to choose what I wanted to be when I grow up. 

But I am.

Age 16, 5’0 feet, Female, Asian.

Student, friend, cashier, manager, dog lover, food enthusiast.

Adult problems in a child’s body.

16 on the outside, 25 on the inside. 

Childhood approximately from age 1 to age 8.

Heart full of problems, brain full of solutions.

Until it floods.

My brain’s printer is no longer in order.

My heart rapidly scans codes of problems.

There is a malfunction in internal system

Activate lock down.

What’s wrong? You’ll be fine.

It’s not that big of a deal. 

Right. 

High school should be easy.

I’m just an ordinary highschool student.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

** Quotes from Citizens by Claudia Rankine **