“What is wrong with you? This question gets stuck in your dreams.” (Citizen)

It lingers in my head. What I should’ve done. How I should’ve approached that situation. The things I wished I had said instead of what I really did. When I look back I think: Is what I did so wrong? It’s all gonna be fine, right? But if it’s going to be okay then why is there anger fuming inside my chest and why is my stomach turning with regret? 

I can hear it over and over, and it’s coming from my own mind. It’s me, I’m the one who’s doing this to myself, which means I can be the one who can stop it right? Right? This feeling won’t live inside me forever right? Right? How do I stop it? I’ll forget about it eventually I’m sure. But until then? I don’t know. It’ll stay stuck in my mind until it eventually fades away. Until it turns out it was never really a big deal. Until everyone else forgets about it and everyone moves on. Until eventually something bigger consumes my mind and this incident was never really important. 

I can’t wait for that day now. 

For the day that the stress is alleviated and I’m no longer racking my brain. But when that day comes I don’t think I’ll ever know, and I won’t be able to recall it or appreciate it how I wish I could right now. When that day comes, I know I’ll be able to sleep easier, that is unless something else is haunting my dreams. 

I wonder when that day comes, what will replace this feeling? What is going to be the moment when it all goes away and gets taken up by something else? I wish I were able to know or to understand it when it happens. 

But I don’t think my brain works like that.

*Includes a quote from “Citizen” by Claudia Rankine