Leaked Job Posting to Replace Wortham

WORTHAM’S JOB POSTING:

Rowland Hall seeks a resilient, no-nonsense educator who works well with finicky freshmen, sacrilegious sophomores, jaundiced juniors, and senioritis. The department is particularly committed to demonstrating the work ethic of 2.5 people in just one teacher. The school welcomes candidates who may alter the existing curriculum, bringing to it their expertise and interests, so long as they blast music loud enough that surrounding classes are physically incapable of continuing. The bare-minimum candidate demonstrates ten-lingual competency in- and outside of the classroom. Rowland Hall is committed to increasing teacher retention, so in order to surpass the departing teacher, a contract must be signed that links your soul to teaching at our wonderful institution for a minimum of 100 years.

Primary Job Qualifications

• Able to destroy the confidence of every person who walks in the door (doesn’t have to be a student!) while simultaneously uplifting them.

• Owns enough posters to make any classroom unrecognizable.

• Impeccable aim in order to throw coins at lethal speeds towards unsuspecting students (MUST prove in an interview).

• Illegible handwriting and impatience when students become confused over what the corrections are.

Other Duties

• Attend faculty meetings, in-service activities, and social beer brewing parties.

• Understand that you will NEVER replace the previous teacher so just accept now you will be seen inherently as a failure.

• Tell completely unrelated and nonsensical stories that have no apparent connection to the lesson of the day. Bonus points if the students retell their non-French friends (oxymoron) these stories.

• Only utilize 1 mug for the rest of your life.

• Be in the know about every student’s romantic status; these include: crushes, boyfriends, breakups, “situationships,” etc.

• Participation in departmental meetings, initiatives, and cooking competitions.*

* Must have own equipment.

Desired Skills and Qualifications

• Ph.D. in creating 2,000-point exams.

• Master’s degree from Julliard in yodeling (in French).

• Must be simultaneously loved and feared by all (memorizing Machiavelli’s The Prince is not required but STRONGLY ENCOURAGED).

• Must drive an old, red Honda Civic (non-negotiable).

• Must know the lyrics to the song “Dommage” by Bigflo & Oli backwards and forwards.

• Must demonstrate significant teaching experience with a commitment to coffee drinking.

• Most possess familiarity and fluency in using a wide variety of laws to support and enhance the student learning experience; understanding of the different driving ages between states required.

This is a full-time, exempt position beginning August 20, in the future, and reports to no one. To apply, please send a sacrifice of your choosing, your resume, and your retirement fund to dougwortham@rowlandhall.org.

Equal Employment Opportunity. Rowland Hall is an equal opportunity employer. This means that if you are an employee, we give you equal opportunities. If you are looking for an opportunity, Rowland Hall provides equal employment. As an employee looking for opportunities, we provide equal ones here.

Warning: the application process WILL include a fight to the death among the applicants. May the odds be ever in your favor! Bonne chance.