Cheryl Dials is a Family Peer Specialist with the School District of Philadelphia’s STEP program at South Philadelphia High School. Cheryl believes in doing the work in a non-traditional way by focusing on specific barriers that prevent students and families from being their best selves. In her current position, she assists, supports and rebuilds students and families. Cheryl has over a decade of training in mental and behavioral health including motivational interviewing, family peer specialist trainings, leadership trainings and many more. Currently, she sits on the County Leadership Team as a family peer under Philadelphia System of Care with the Department of Behavioral Health and Intellectual Disability Service. In this role, she advocates for quality behavioral health services treatment for children, youth and families to receive the best treatment when it comes to behavioral health in the city of Philadelphia. She, is an open book and uses storytelling to connect with families while encouraging them to use their voice and live experiences to empower themselves. As a trained life coach, she gives families the tools and understanding to help them self- motivate into being the best they can be. With an attitude of gratitude, Cheryl works critically and with integrity to be sure that families are not only surviving, but thriving.

This month’s topic is forgiving others and yourself. I will touch on four stages of forgiveness. Hopefully, these tools will help you now and/or in the future. As many people know, I am an open book, I would not tell you to do anything if I did not go through it. I just used this tool recently and had to apply this tool repeatedly. A close family member did something to me that was tremendously painful and I recently forgave that family member. At the time of the act I was not in the space to accept or hear with empathy, understanding, and an openness to receive and love. Ultimately, I forgave this close family member but it took about 4 long yrs. So, how do you forgive others when it so hard, at times. There are four stages of forgiveness: Hurt/Pain, Accept/ Reflect, Work it out, and last Renounce Your Resentment.

We will go over the four stages. I really think there are two characteristics you must have to go through this process: an openness to receive and a heart to give empathy. The First Stage is Hurt/ Pain, acknowledge your hurt talk to someone you trust. This person should know you inside/out. This person won’t judge you or blame you. You might be experiencing a whirlwind of emotion and it could come out in different forms. I don’t want you to react on emotions but have a safe space to acknowledge them. Please do not sugar coat the issue, sweep under the rug or withdraw yourself. Sit in it for a while, not to long, but feel that emotion and pain. Give yourself permission to express that anger, pain and hurt. The emotion could be lingering since childhood, long relationship or you’re upset with yourself not seeing or doing something. This life lesson I call “download wisdom’. Ask yourself how this pain change me for the good or bad? Did the person intend hurt you or by mistake? Did the hurt cause you pain or someone close to you? Finally, ask yourself was this a recent or past pain and you just find out about it or you still holding hold to the pain?

The second phase is Accept/ Reflect. Accept that you can’t change the past and determine whether you want to fix it or not. Again, please take this step important because it might determine if this people will be in or out of your life. Now it time to do some work ask yourself What do you want this pain to turn into? Did this person repeatedly hurt you? Do she or he know they hurt you did you have open dialogue with them? If you want to hurt the other party/parties you are not ready, at this time, to forgive. It is okay if you are not ready at that moment. Forgiveness, for some, takes longer to process than others. Remember I told you at the beginning we have to have the open mind first. What holding you back from forgive this person? Empathize with the person that hurt you? Do you see a pattern? Did it happen to them?

It is important to come from a place of understanding. Do not assume the other person knows or understands your hurt or pain. Remember, just because you say I apologize or they said it. You might not ready to received the apologize that okay you in a different phrase people can go back to one by a trigger or name that okay. You just need to work harder. These questions are for you and you have to answer them no one can. Soul search the How, what why, and when.

Third step is Work it out. Ask yourself is this person there to support me or hurt me in the future? Is this relationship repairable? If you have to pray, meditate, or whatever, this is the time. Think of your future with and without this person. What do you do with this anger? Is this too much to bear? Think about all the good times its it worth loses that. Try to look in a different lens… a snapshot of the other person to get a better understand of the cause or why the act of the hurt.

Last step, the pain residue might never go away completely but you understand and accept it. Become aware of your emotions. You have empathetic to yourself and others move on not own thing in. You set up health boundaries. Remember that forgiveness is a choice not a feeling and once you forgave don’t cash than check it void or cancel. Means do repeat the cycle hand let the past in the past. Grow from it. If you forgive commit to not using things against them.

If you have doubts if the person is really set boundaries. Remember forgiveness is an extremely difficult process some people need counseling so if you need that path do it. Stop living as a prisoner don’t let the other person get in your heads that space that can use for something else.