A shift in perspective can make a powerful difference. This applies to parenting, too—especially if you have a less than easy child. A new scientific perspective on genetics, called the orchid hypothesis, has the power to help parents see their child’s misbehavior as opportunity for growth.

Under this hypothesis, we use the dandelion vs. orchid metaphor as a way of understanding different kinds of kids and their genetic profiles. Many children are dandelions—they are what we consider healthy and “normal,” they have resilient genes, and they can thrive whether their environment is “the equivalent of a sidewalk crack or a well-tended garden” (Dobbs, 2009). However, as many parents know, some children require a lot more care and attention; they need the “well-tended garden” kind of environment to thrive. These are called orchid children—like orchids, they will wilt if ignored and mistreated, but have the potential to “bloom spectacularly with greenhouse care” (Dobbs, 2009).

The orchid hypothesis calls attention to the fact that some people have a genetic profile which makes them more susceptible to their environmental conditions. They do worse than others in poor environments, but excel and outperform in supportive conditions. Because of this, the parental role is a challenging and highly important task, perhaps even from day one.

People with orchid genes are more likely to be the fussy ones as babies. Because they are so susceptible to their environment, they can be touchier and require a more specific or unique kind of care. How do you know whether your baby is an orchid? Chances are, you already know. Orchid children have temperaments which can easily become difficult for parents to manage. However, it is highly important that parents keep trying their best to manage it and find what works to soothe their child.

Why is it so important to keep trying to soothe, instead of resorting to the “cry it out” method? It sends an important message to the baby: “We (caregivers) are here, consistently, to meet your needs.” A baby needs to learn that their parents will meet their needs so that they can develop a secure attachment to the parent(s)/caregiver(s), where they can grow up knowing the parent(s)/caregiver(s) as a safe “home base” that they have for comfort and support (Keil, 2014, Ch. 6). Parental responsiveness highly influences what kind of attachment style, secure or insecure, a child may adopt. Practicing positive interaction patterns when responding to the child's needs, as opposed to negative or emotionally hostile interactions, can encourage a healthy attachment. When a frustrated child is met with empathy and care, they are more likely to form positive and healthy internal representations of that relationship.

While having a temperamental orchid child may mean more risk for insecure attachment and future struggles and challenges as they face the world, the orchid hypothesis sees no reason to focus solely on this negative side of the story. Shift that narrative to the positive side: The temperament may be their nature, but as the parent, you are their nurture. You have a lot of control over their environment and their care, and together, these two things have the power to set your child up for tremendous success. Whether you have a dandelion child or an orchid child, every child has the ability to develop a secure attachment. If you respond to their needs and create a safe and supportive environment, parents can foster a secure attachment—the path you take to getting there will just look different, depending on what kind of flower you have.

As your child grows, parenting becomes easier in some ways, but harder in others. Cultural values and expectations combined with an individual child’s temperament, behaviors, and needs all contribute to the parenting style a caregiver uses. In the end, it is always up to the parent to be receptive to their individual child’s needs and determine which parenting style works best for their family. However, while there is no one right way to parent, there are definitely wrong ways. It is important to consider what we know about the pros and cons of different parenting styles, and how they are effective in meeting a child’s developmental needs.

One way to categorize parenting styles is by looking at levels of control and warmth seen in parenting (Keil, 2014, Ch. 14). Parents who show high warmth and high control are said to be of the Authoritative style, and this balance of meeting the child’s emotional needs while also upholding rules is the best of both worlds. Under this parenting style, children tend to be more independent and self-reliant, have good self-control, and be more socially responsible. Authoritative parents discipline when necessary, but also give positive reinforcement and encouragement at the right times, boosting self-esteem.

Additionally, kids need more than just pats on the back to build self-esteem—they need space, some freedom, and trial and error. They need to be able to make choices for themselves which allow them to feel like they have an important role in controlling their lives, a need called self-determination (Keil, 2014, Ch. 13). Kids are more motivated when they have the power to make decisions for themselves. They need this motivation to explore their world, and through this trial-and-error process of exploring, they build a sense of confidence and competence. Children are not just passive recipients of parenting and learning—they need to take an active role in the developmental process, and continuously learn how to become an autonomous being. For parents, this means taking steps back where possible, and allowing reasonable risk-taking. When allowing children autonomy we must remember maturity demands. Parents need to let go gradually with age. This allows parents to respect the child's increasing maturity and ability to handle independence. This is why helicopter parenting, while technically falling under the Authoritative style, is too extreme and does not fully meet a child’s developmental needs.

While paying attention to your child’s emotional needs is of utmost importance, focusing solely on those instead of controlling for behavior is not ideal. The attachment parenting style might foster a secure attachment, but it leads to a Permissive parenting style—high in warmth, low in control. These kids do develop a high self-esteem, but they are more immature than peers, struggle with self-regulation, and are less independent. An alternative would be more of a Free-Range style, which does not totally lack control, but is still high in warmth and does allow children the space and freedom to learn problem-solving skills through play. This style promotes development of social skills, fine motor skills, as well as confidence and self-esteem.

If you pay good attention, you will begin to figure out which methods are best for your particular kids. The most important things are staying high in warmth, letting kids be kids when they play, and being consistent in your parenting so that your child knows what they can expect. When these three things are tailored to your particular child, they have the best chance of becoming the happiest and most confident version of themselves—giving them the best chance to succeed in their adult lives, as well.