Why do we need validation from others?
Validation is the recognition that a person, their behaviour or their achievements are accepted and worthwhile. It is usually seen when we show our parents the A* we achieved on our test and for them to say: “Wow, we are so proud!”, or when we have done the extension homework and show Mrs Newby so they can say: “Good job Milly!” and then receive a purple light. But, why is it so important for us to hear others say that? Isn’t it already enough for us to say: “I’m so proud of myself”? Why do we need this validation from others?
Everyone has most likely felt validation or appraisal for something, whether that’s winning in an athletics race, winning during debate club, getting a good grade or even colouring within the lines in kindergarten. Everyone has heard “Good Job!” or “Congrats!” before, so you must know that giddy feeling inside after. You know, the one where you become shy and look away but can’t help to smile and feel your heart tickle? That’s called feeling good about yourself. That’s what people crave and that’s why we need validation once in a while, to have self-esteem and pride. In our generation, on the other hand, people who want validation or show off their achievements are seen as attention seekers and dependent. But in reality, that’s human nature and these are the people who become most successful in life!
Validation has many roles in our life, especially when it comes to our emotions and relationships with others. Without validation, we would not be able to see the good in each other and create trust, which is why it is an important concept in relationships, whether that's your partners, friends, teachers or co-workers everyone wants to be heard and respected. Especially in child development. “When children experience invalidation, their self-esteem decreases, as does their trust in you.”, says Emily Roberts on Hartstein Psychological Services. We give and receive validation everyday. For example, when you are venting to a friend about how Jonathen broke up with you again and they are actively listening, giving eye contact, are not distracted and comforting you, that means that you are worthwhile and accepted by them… Now what was the definition of validation I gave in the very first sentence? Anyways, the feeling of your friend being there and listening to you gives you a sense of happiness, pride and the realisation that you yourself do not need that idiotice and embarrassing Jonathen *scoffs*. Just the fact that your friend is showing you validation with the smallest gestures makes you realise that you’re better than that.
In conclusion, it is important for us to feel validated and to also give out validation to the people around us. Without it, there would not be enough trust and acceptance within our friends and families. We wouldn’t be able to acknowledge who our true friends are who pay attention and listen, and lastly, we wouldn’t be able to become the person we want to be. Whether that’s an olympic gold medalist, business executive of a billion dollar company, an oscar winner or a Doctor who graduated from cambridge, without validation we would not be aware of our achievements, self-esteem and pride, and without these, we would not be able to accept ourselves and push harder until we’ve reached these goals.
By Emilie Grobe
Bibliography:
Geall, Lauren. “How to Stop Relying on External Validation.” Stylist. The Stylist Group, February 17, 2020. https://www.stylist.co.uk/life/external-validation-self-esteem-taylor-swift-miss-americana-how-to-improve-internal-validation/356826#:~:text=%E2%80%9CFrom%20the%20social%20cues%20we,the%20same%20good%20feelings%20again.%E2%80%9D.
Roberts, Emily. “EMILY ROBERTS, MA, LMHC.” Hartstein Psychological Services. Hartstein Psychological Services, November 7, 2019. https://www.hartsteinpsychological.com/clinical-team/emily-roberts.
Roberts, Emily. “The Importance of Validation.” Hartstein Psychological Services. Hartstein Psychological Services, June 17, 2021. https://www.hartsteinpsychological.com/importance-of-validation.