What is an "I" Message?

When in conflict, people may have difficulty clearly articulating their situation without escalating the conflict. Using an "I" message can help the person state his/her concerns, feelings, and needs in a manner that is easier for the listener to her and understand.

An "I-statement" focuses on one's own feelings and experiences. It does not focus on one's perspective of what the other person has done or failed to do. It is the difference, for example between saying, "I feel that I am not being invited to play during recess" (stating) and "You never ask me to play at recess" (blaming).

When one can express one's experience in a way that does not attack, criticize or blame others, they are less likely to provoke defensiveness and hostility which tends to escalate conflicts or have the other person shut-down, or tune out.

What an "I" Message does

• An “I” message can help reduce blaming, accusations, and defensiveness.  

• An “I” message can help you communicate your concerns, feelings, and needs without blaming others or sounding threatening. It helps you get your point across without causing the listener to shut down.  

• An “I” message says “this is how it looks from my side of things.” 

What an “I” Message doesn’t do  

• An “I” message is not about being polite. It’s about being clear.  

• An “I” messages is not concerned with how the other person might respond. 

•  An “I” message is not intended to force another person to “fix the problem.”  It is clear statement that says “this is how it looks from my perspective.”  Even though “I” messages let you explain and how you would like things to be, it is free of expectations. If you expect the other person to respond as you want them to immediately, you probably have unrealistic expectations.  

• An “I” Message is intended only to open up healthy conversation. Using it alone will not resolve the conflict. If you expect an “I” Message to fix the conflict, you probably have unrealistic expectations. 

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