Advice Column

By Sophie Blumstein '21 and Meredith Griffin '21

March 2020

#1: I feel left out of everything that my friend group does. There’s a lot of whispering and stuff and I feel like they’re purposely leaving me out but a part of me also knows that they love me. I want to talk it out but I’m really worried about it.

Hi Worried: We’re so sorry to hear that; that’s such a difficult situation to be in. I think everyone has felt like that at some point in their life, and there are many ways to deal with it. If you truly love your friends and they love you, you should give them the opportunity to tell you the truth. If you don’t express your feelings to them, they won’t know that you feel this way, and it could just be a misunderstanding. Reaching out and showing you care about them is a great first step! 

One way to approach this is to figure out who in your friend group is most likely to be honest with you or who you are closest with. Express your feelings to them privately but make sure you don’t accuse them before hearing their side of the story. There are many different ways that this conversation can go and they can all be handled. Maybe there’s something you did that upset some of them and they haven't found an effective way to talk to you about it. If that’s the case and they feel you are in the wrong, try not to get defensive right away. Try to see things from their perspective and talk out next steps to benefit all of you. Hopefully they aren’t rude about it or completely negate your feelings. If this is the case, you might want to talk to another friend or just accept that it was in your head. Express to them how much you care and want things to be good again for you and for them. I’m sure though honesty and communication your friendship will grow stronger and everything will work out. 

#2: I feel like I have no time to socialize because all I seem to be doing is either school work or SAT/ACT prep. I’m really stressed out, and all I want to do is spend time with my friends, but I don’t want to disappoint my parents. I’m so frustrated!

Hi Frustrated: I think this is a problem almost every junior is struggling with right now. Junior year and the whole college application process is very stressful for everyone. If your parents are being hard on you to succeed on the SAT/ACT,  it’s because they know how well you can do, and they want the best for you. Some parents don’t understand how much frustration and extra stress they cause their children by constantly reminding them to study. Being a teenager is about having a balance between socializing with friends, school, and extracurriculars. It's really hard to find that balance sometimes, especially with the influence of your parents weighing on your shoulders. I can tell you do care a lot about school, and I hope your parents can see that too. If you have a close enough relationship with them it might be a good idea to talk to them about this issue. Maybe setting up a schedule with them will show how much work you do and how little time there’s left for you. Hopefully they will understand and acknowledge that even though you are taking standardized tests and junior year is TOUGH, you’re still a teenager and should be able to have fun with your friends. Hope everything works out! 

#3: I was in my class and my friend called me stupid. She always acts like I’m dumb and it really hurts me. I feel like nothing can solve this and I want to end the friendship, but I’m not sure how to cut her off. 

Dear Mad: We understand how frustrating and painful it can be to feel like your friend doesn’t support or encourage you as much as you do for them. The first thing you should do is talk to your friend about how you are feeling because she might not realize what she is doing is and how it’s hurting you. Along with getting your feelings off your chest, make sure to validate her feelings and give her time to respond. Let her explain herself and try to see things from her perspective while also making sure your feelings are heard. I know it can be hard to put your emotions out in the open, but if this friendship means anything to you, talking it out could be the most effective option. However, if this type of problem doesn’t stop, and she fails to acknowledge it and make an effort to change, it might be necessary to cut her off. Although this may be hard, it might not be benefitting either of you to be friends at this time, but that could change in the future. If her words hurt you this much, it says something about what she means to you and you might not want to end it on a bad note. Express to her that even if she may not have meant to hurt you, she still did, and you feel like there’s no coming back from that. Maybe you guys will find a way to be friends again, but you feel like being friends right now isn’t going to work because of how hurt you are. Make sure to not blame her for everything wrong with the friendship, but also express that what she did hurt you even if it was unintentional.