Work and relationship coaches often encourage clients to engage in "active listening" for effective communication. Commonly understood aspects include reflecting upon what others are saying and validating their feelings. Good active listening is more than reflection and validation, however. In fact, no entrenched or difficult conflict was ever transformed without regular rounds of what author Amanda Ripley has called "Looped Listening."
When we talk to other people-- especially in heated or conflict-laden situations-- we tend to listen for what we want to hear to respond when our turn comes. This kind of dialogue-focused listening serves a valuable role in many situations. For example, it helps clarify and distinguish opposing positions. However, it does not necessarily help lower the heat when conflict has become protracted. To improve conditions for resolving conflict when it has become entrenched, giving the gift of feeling heard and understood can make all the difference. Here are the steps:
Listen for what's important to them
Our brains are wired to seek validation for existing beliefs or reasons to reject communications that might conflict with our beliefs, especially in conversations with those with whom we have a history of disagreement. Conserving energy and protecting from perceived threats may be efficient for our brains from an evolutionary standpoint, but these tendencies are not great strategies for conflict de-escalation.
Often people in conflict don't understand or only dimly understand what their interests are, focusing instead on surface positions. Listening for what's important to others under the surface involves a bit of mental detective work. The good news is, putting on the mental detective hat gives the amygdala (the source of our "freeze, fight or flight" instinct) a reason to stay quiet.
For example: A colleague on a joint project continually raises concerns about what appear to be very minor omissions in planning documents, stopping progress for the group. What may be important to your colleague – but not expressed openly – is that the team will be blamed by external stakeholders if the overall project doesn't work. Just take note, though; no accusations!
Share back what you hear, prefaced with certain "magic phrases"
The goal is to have the other person hear key parts of what they said come out of your mouth without criticism, qualification, counterpoint or judgment.
Start with either or both of these phrases:
“I hear you saying…”
“I understand you saying in this situation …”
For example: "Over the last two meetings at different times you've highlighted many corrections you would like to see. I hear you saying we may be setting our team up for failure because of the quality of our work so far."
Look for underlying interests behind the issues and positions taken by the other party or parties
When hypothesizing about what underlying interests may be at stake for the other party or parties, try to get to core concerns. These are often expressable in just a few words, such as "team success," "safety," "fair credit for work," and "overcoming stakeholder hostility."
Genuinely welcome correction and elaboration about your understanding (while not necessarily conceding the underlying issue at this point)
In the example above, add: "Basically, you are concerned about how the project will be received. Is that correct?" and then possibly, "What else is at issue?"