Welcome to Coach B’s Unhinged Hyperpark of Infinite Hustle™, a sprawling, reality-bending amusement empire that defies physics, logic, and several international treaties. Built in honor of the legendary, whistle-blasting, protein-shake-chugging enigma known only as Coach B, this park is less a destination and more a full-contact experience with destiny itself.

From the moment you arrive, you’re greeted by a 200-foot animatronic Coach B screaming motivational quotes that may or may not be legally classified as threats. His eyes follow you. They always follow you.