Support through post-separation abuse

By MIN Ambassador, 23.11.2025

Last month was Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. So now seems an appropriate time to talk about one aspect of domestic abuse that is often overlooked: Post-separation Abuse.  

Here, we want to offer guidance to those who are suffering post-separation abuse or want to support someone who is. 

Whilst post-separation abuse is recognised as domestic abuse in law, some people assume that once an abusive relationship has ended, the abuse ends too. All too often this is not the case. In fact, one of the reasons that people don’t ‘just leave’ is threats to their safety if they do. Victims often have to seriously weigh up the risks of leaving against the risks of staying. 

Examples of post-separation abuse

As with abuse within a relationship, post-separation abuse can take many forms and victims often experience multiple types of abuse. 

Abuse may include violence, threats and intimidation, harassment, and stalking. If you are the victim of such abuse, it is crucial to gather as much evidence as possible. Take photos, keep a record of incidents, and save screenshots of messages. Even if you think these won’t be needed, it’s better to have it in case it’s required at a later date. 

Keeping a diary of events can also be useful in helping you to see how abusive and inappropriate someone’s behaviour is. It’s common for victims to minimize their experiences and excuse the perpetrator’s behaviour. In fact, perpetrators rely on this to carry on abusive behaviours over time. Seeing it written down in black and white can be hard but validating, and help you to identify the patterns of behaviour that are a feature of abuse. 

More examples of post-separation abuse

Some abuse can be subtle and insidious, such as psychological and emotional abuse. This does not make it any less harmful. When children or finances link ex-partners, this can provide additional ways for perpetrators to abuse victims, including financial abuse and abuse through the courts.

Financial abuse can take many forms. Shared finances are an opportunity for perpetrators to maintain control. They may take money, refuse to close shared accounts, frustrate sales of shared assets, or even run up debt in the victim’s name. When children are involved, they may withhold support payments or impose ‘conditions’ with the threat of not paying if these aren’t met. They may also seek ways to impact the victim’s ability to work. By not meeting agreed times for child contact they can make it difficult for victims to work or make them seem unreliable employees. 

Court costs are also expensive. By repeatedly taking victims to court, perpetrators can drain financial resources as well as create stress and interfere with work schedules. It is slowly becoming recognised that perpetrators may use the court system as a form of abuse. Legally, it’s called ‘vexatious litigation’. It is currently very hard to prove vexatious litigation in the UK, particularly in the family courts. However, should you believe you are a victim you should collate as much evidence as possible in case it can be used later. You may want to discuss it with a legal professional.  

The family court system

Sadly, many turn to the family court for support and instead find it to be a tool for their abuser to continue their abuse. Some report it to be the worst abuse they have faced. The Domestic Abuse Commissioner has focused on the family courts in recent years and some changes are happening. 

Pathfinder courts are being piloted in parts of the UK. These are influenced by the 2020 “Harm Panel Report” (“Assessing Risk of Harm to Children and Parents in Private Law Children Cases”). In Pathfinder courts, judges should be able to identify domestic abuse early in the proceedings and the model aims to create a safer, more child-centred, and trauma-informed process. However, Pathfinder courts currently only operate in certain areas. 

In October, a huge change occurred in the family courts as the government decided to overturn the presumption that having both parents involved is the ideal. The aim is to protect children from abusive parents, who were often given access without consideration of harm to children. 

Whilst it is reassuring that the family court system is being examined more closely, it will take time for changes to take effect. If you are involved in the family court system, having support from as many places as possible is important. It can be incredibly difficult, both practically and emotionally. So find friends you can rely on, legal counsel who truly listens and represents you, and seek out agencies and charities who can offer you honest and objective advice. 

Protecting yourself and your children

At Mums In Need we have lived experience of post-separation abuse and work day in, day out, with victims of it. We understand how draining, demoralising and difficult it can be. While there are practical steps to take, it’s really important to take care of yourself too. (Although we know that’s often so much easier said than done!)

Court orders 

From a practical point of view, are you aware of the court orders that you may be able to take out against a perpetrator? A non-molestation order can be used to prevent someone you were in a relationship with from harassing, threatening or pestering you. It is a civil order, but breaching it is a criminal offence. Occupation orders (applied for with the same form as non-molestation orders) control who lives in or can access a property. When there is urgent need for protection, Domestic Violence Protection Notices (DVPN) can be issued by the police and a Domestic Violence Protection Orders (DVPO) then applied for in the Magistrates’ Court. This can prevent an abuser from contacting you or coming to your home for up to 28 days. A new order, the Domestic Abuse Protection Order (DAPO) is also being piloted but is not available across the country yet.

Record keeping and disclosure 

The police and courts will look for evidence of abuse. Keeping records can be really useful. It’s very easy to mix things up and although this is recognised as a response to trauma, perpetrators may use this to make you look unreliable. 

You may not have reported domestic abuse to the police. This is something to consider, even if you wish to have it recorded rather than them to act upon it. Speak to domestic abuse professionals for advice. They will understand and won’t pressure you to report abuse if you do not wish to. You can also disclose abuse to your GP, or to social services or the school if you have children. If these feel too formal, you may want to turn to someone you trust in your family or local community. 

Safety plan

It’s good to have a safety plan in place, just in case. If you ever feel threatened, call 999. It is better to be cautious. If you need help but are unable to speak, you can use the Silent Solution - dial 999, stay silent, then press 55. 

Consider how you would get out of your home safely if you needed to and where you would go if you had to. Keep an emergency bag in an easy to reach place. This should have your emergency contact numbers as well cards and cash, a phone charger, keys, any medications or medical information you need as well as any legal documents and ID (passport, driving license etc). It’s a good idea to discuss this plan with a few people you trust. You may set a code word with them so they know if you need help.

You should also consider your digital safety. Technology allows perpetrators to track phone locations and usage, and to track you on social media. Change passwords and PINs regularly, turn off device locations, be cautious about what you share on social media and consider the privacy settings. If you have a device that is definitely safe (purchased after the relationship ended or belonging to somebody else) consider using this to access information you wouldn’t want your perpetrator to see.

Seek support 

The emotional toll of abuse is enormous. It is recognised that domestic abuse causes trauma. Do not overlook the importance of taking care of your wellbeing. Support is available in a wide range of places. You may or may not have support from family and friends. Abusers often alienate victims, and even turn others against them. There are organizations who can offer support with helplines and live chat facilities. 

It can also be useful to access mindfulness and wellbeing tools. You can find resources on our website. Finding out what is most beneficial to you is important. So look at what is available but also try to incorporate small things that make you feel good into everyday life. Turn the radio up and dance around the kitchen. Write your journal. Take a 20 minute candlelit bath in the middle of the day. It’s not about what you do, it’s about finding moments of joy. 

Post-separation abuse can be extremely difficult. Be kind to yourself, and reach out to others when you need support.