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Our Winter of Discontent

‘Those darn people’ is a phrase most of us have heard used and might even had the misfortune of being on the receiving end. We can infer two things about the speaker. One, he or she sees ‘those people’ in a negative fashion. Two, everyone that falls in this group of ‘people’ are all negatively viewed regardless of circumstances. For instance, when you picture an Asian person, you might imagine a short, skinny individual who is better at studying than sports. But look at Yao Ming and you realize that isn’t always true. Prejudice, discrimination and hate. This topic has received worldwide news coverage recently, especially in the U.S., where discriminations have led to many heart-stopping tragedies. But how do these beliefs and perspectives develop?

First stereotypes, a fixed, over generalized belief about a particular group or class of people are formed[i] almost without conscious effort. Many find it easier to deal with what is known. When you have no prior experience with something, it’s typical to fill that void with previous knowledge. For certain situations, having an established set of information to guide your actions allows quick response. But generally, relying on stereotypes means taking a chance that this set of knowledge applies to people you have never met. For example, let’s say you’re organizing a surprise dinner for a new coworker who comes from the South of the U.S. Instead of discreetly finding out her food preference, you act on what you know about people from that region. You cater fried chicken, bbq ribs and beef brisket only to find she’s a vegetarian. In this case, acting on stereotypes can lead to, at best, embarrassment and at worse, offending someone you were trying to make a good impression.

Another route to forming prejudice happens when we focus on people’s differences. If people behave in ways that don’t make sense or seem unpredictable to you, it becomes easier to view them as different and develop an ‘us’ vs ‘them’ mentality. Furthermore, social identity theory offers a fitting explanation suggesting the tendency to magnify the difference between ‘us’ vs ‘them’. This mentality becomes even more pronounced when conflict of interests and competition for limited resources, such as jobs or university placements occurs.

Thirdly, even when you are open-minded and seek out facts from trustworthy sources, there are still circumstances which can push you to act in a biased way. Growing up, we’ve all experience peer pressure and may have led us to doing something which we really didn’t want. Social pressures do not disappear once we become adults. Studies have shown that expectations from those around you, known as social norms, are equally influential on how you act. One such study, (Minard 1952), found the behaviours of miners of black and white heritage differed across two settings: at work or below ground vs in the community or above ground. A large number of white miners were friendly to their black coworkers at work, but this number dropped to a quarter above ground. This suggests the power of social norms in affecting the white heritage miners in distancing themselves from black heritage individuals. Even if they didn’t personally hold prejudice views or beliefs, they acted in such a way to fit in.

Other than avoiding the pitfalls of acting out stereotypes, perceiving others with an ‘us’ vs ‘them’ mentality and succumbing to pressures from social norms, there are still a couple of factors that perpetuate prejudice. The first, comes from the fact that no one likes to be wrong. We tend to look for facts and evidence to support our views and position. In doing so, we may avoid sources that brings contrarian information thereby limiting our knowledge and understanding on a topic. Secondly, choosing to stay quiet or purposely ignoring acts of discrimination when they happen right in front of us amounts to giving approval and supporting discrimination. An Irish philosopher and statesman once said “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”― Edmund Burke

Being aware of the process and factors contributing to developing prejudice views is the first step in taking a more inclusive path. It will require vigilance and mindfulness to avoiding the pitfalls and overcoming the challenges mentioned above. The sooner we take part in this, the sooner we can receive a glorious summer of equality.

References:

Cardwell, M. (1996). Dictionary of Psychology. Chicago IL: Fitzroy Dearborn

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-prejudice-2795476

https://www.apa.org/topics/discrimination

https://www.simplypsychology.org/prejudice.html

Troll, troll, go away

What’s a troll?

What was once used to describe fairy tale characters living underneath bridges is now more commonly known as a type of online behaviour, deliberately posting comments aimed to cause disruption and anger.

Why do it?

Mainly people troll to get others to react. They love the attention. On a site with a lot of traffic, the response is almost immediate. And their identity is often hidden so there are no consequences to their life offline.

It’s easy to do. Arguably, it’s easier to say something negative and hurtful than to be constructive and supportive. It doesn’t cost money, nor much time or effort.

For some people, it’s like playing a prank and the intent is to annoy and be a nuisance. For others, it’s to highjack the discussion like taking over the conversation at a party and steering it to something entirely unrelated. The topic gets diverted to conspiracy theories, or shifted to attacks on other commenters. The goal usually is to belittle and demean other people while making themselves superior.

Understanding trolls and those being trolled

Research suggests loneliness and frustration can set off aggression towards others. For those who don’t know how to better express themselves, loneliness can be a trigger to troll as a way to release their frustrations[1].

Another factor that contributes to trolling could be that the internet platform dehumanizes online interaction. It’s easy to not treat others as real people when you can’t see them. Furthermore, a big part of being able to empathize with another is through nonverbal behaviours such as eye contact, facial expressions, tone of voice, postures, etc…[2] Typing out messages makes it nearly impossible to express and receive these signals. Lessening the ability to empathize with others making it easier to troll (especially with those who aren’t very good at empathizing in the first place).

As you can imagine, it’s an awful experience to be trolled, people report feeling depressed, anxious and defeated. But surprisingly, trolling doesn’t necessarily provide a good way to vent frustration but further the feelings of depression, isolation and loneliness[3].

So you’re being trolled, now what?

Your first reaction probably is to get angry. You’ll want to strike back and give a quick-witted reply. But the trolls are not likely to shut up. Back and forth, you may try to out trash talk or make more disparaging remarks than the troll. Best case scenario is you get in the last word and the worse, you walk away feeling angrier and defeated. In any event, there’s no trophy if you win so it might not be worth it in the end to try to beat the troll at his own game.

Another way to react is to stay on topic when making replies. Don’t get sidetracked into personal attacks, name calling, the belittling of your ideas or calling you out to prove it. This option is difficult to do since it is hard to keep calm while being attacked and stay focused on the topic.

Ever heard of the adage ‘Don’t feed the troll?’ It means ignoring the awful things the troll is saying, maybe even walking away. It’s tough and may feel like you’re giving up. But if you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. Because we know trolls post comments to provoke a reaction so the best way to beat them is to not react[4]. If they’re not getting the attention they want, they would probably find something else to do. Why waste time and get worked up over someone who probably has nothing else but being cruel to others anonymously online? Another advice we’ve learned when we were younger comes in handy: ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but nasty words won’t hurt me.’

Is there anything else you can do? Sure! Report the troll to the webmaster or website moderator. Talk to your family and friends. You don’t have to deal with being trolled by yourself.

[1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/experimentations/201908/what-makes-internet-trolls-tick

[2] https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/906077.

[3]https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/906077#vp_2

[4] https://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-07-13/trolls-understand-what-hurts-people-but-they-simply-dont-care/8701424

Aug 9, 2020

Take Their Words For It

A friend shared the following with me.

‘I took my 5-year-old son, Charlie*, to an interview for admission into an elementary school. During the meeting, the teacher assessed his writing ability and asked if he could write a few simple Chinese characters. After the words were written, the teacher asked for the pencil back. Charlie said ‘No’ and refused to let go of the pencil. And he tried to crumpled up the paper after the pencil was removed! I was shocked, I’ve never seen him act this way before! Why did he behave like this?’ (*Charlie is a made-up name.)

Why act out

The immediate impulse might be to figure out why the little guy acted out. Did he expect more writing and was startled by the sudden end to the activity? Was he embarrassed because the work didn’t meet his usual standards so he’d rather destroy it than to share it? Was he upset because, used to being in control, he wanted to keep writing?

Dealing with interruptions

The motivation was unclear, but his desire was clear. He wanted to continue on writing. We can infer, to Charlie, the writing task was interrupted. Dealing with interruption is something we’ve all experienced. Be it noticing a student raise their hand during your lecture, getting a phone call from your boss while writing a report, or being called to dinner just as you are making a sketch of a something seen earlier in the day, there is a strong urge to complete the task at hand. Practically speaking, for me, the desire comes from staying focused and avoid losing your train of thought. So, it’s understandable to want a bit more time to express those thoughts or details either verbally or onto paper.

Asking is easier than throwing a tantrum

Tolerating interruption is a skill we all eventually learn but it is not surprising Charlie has yet to master at his age. However, I want the answer to a different question. Why did he act out physically in order to accomplish this goal? Revealing a bit of Charlie’s background would be helpful in figuring this out. He has language delay so learning to express himself verbally did not come easily to him. Imagine the above scenario if Charlie had said one simple phrase instead of playing tug a war with the pencil: ‘Can I have one more minute with this, please?’ Not only would this communicate his intentions clearly, it would be an appropriate way of responding to being interrupted. Furthermore, he probably would have gotten more time to write. In my experience, it takes more effort to act out than to communicate what you want.

Teaching to ask

The next step is recognizing that Charlie is unlikely to pick up language used around him spontaneously. Instead, he may need to be taught directly. An analogy of this would be teaching someone to return a serve in tennis. It may not be enough for the student to observe and try to imitate the motions demonstrated by the teacher. He may need the trainer to hold his hand over the racquet and physically guide him in order to put the grip, timing and placement of the swing all together. In Charlie’s situation, he might need to be warned that he will be interrupted, model specifically what to say to request for more time when interrupted, then actually allowed more time after successful saying the words in place of acting out. His parents would have to collaborate by, initially, honoring his verbal requests every time he asks, even when they are on a tight schedule. As he gains mastery, they can ease back and gradually feel free to deny his request.

At the end of the day, we want to encourage our kids to use language to express themselves and take their words for it.

July 22, 2020

Oh, What a Feeling!

‘Hey man, ever get that feeling of being moved? When your chest feels so full, it feels like it’s going to burst?’, my good friend, Ben asked.

‘Yeah, I get goosebumps on my arms and can’t help but tear up too!’, I replied.

‘Mmhmm. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve gotten older, but I find it happening more frequently. And I think littler things can move me’, he explained.

‘Now that you mentioned it, you might be on to something! When I was younger, I’d only get that feeling during major events like weddings or funerals.’

‘Right? But now, I see a commercial with babies or puppies and bam! It gets triggered! I’m not sure why things have changed?’, he wondered.

This was the conversation that I had with one of my closest friends a few months back. I bring this up now because of recent events relating to social injustice that I find moving. George Floyd’s death should not have happened. In an ideal world without discrimination, Floyd and others such as Ahmaud Arbery would still be alive today. Racism played a large role with the way police have exerted their authority. Naturally, what moved me wasn’t the police’s actions but the response from the public on Floyd’s tragic death. People from different ethnic background took part in protests across 50 states. In the midst of a pandemic too! On top of that, protestors joined in the cause in major cities across the world such as Paris, London and Toronto. even more surprising were two major sport league’s stand in support of the black community. The NFL commissioner’s publicly admitting to being wrong for ignoring players on this issue: https://edition.cnn.com/2020/06/05/sport/roger-goodell-responds-nfl-stronger-together-video/index.html

And NASCAR’s banning the confederate flag at its events: https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/nascar-bans-confederate-flags-its-events-n1229506

The way these people stood together calling for action, moved me to tears and I was reminded of the above conversation with my friend. In addition to whether we feel moved more easily compared to our younger selves, I wondered at the purpose of this emotion. For the more frequently experienced emotions, their function is straightforward. Acts that lead to happiness and joy motivates us to repeat them, often helping to sustain achievements and success. We learn to avoid actions that make us feel pain. Anger draws our attention to the source and we focus on resolving the issue. What about feeling moved? Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot of research on this topic. So, I’m going to give my two cents. My theory is that this emotion helps us value the good in our lives. It makes us recognize the moment as important and rare. It reminds us that nothing lasts forever and things can change with a snap of fingers. For those of us whom are older, we have more life experiences to draw on to know good things are fleeting. This could be the reason why I experience being moved more frequently now that I’m older. We are naturally nearer to the end of our lives as we age, putting us more in tune with our mortality and helping to put things into perspective. The net effect may be a mechanism to re-evaluate and prioritize what is important in our lives. Perhaps through this reflection, we truly appreciate what we have and the people around us. Or we may decide something is missing and it’s time to make a change. I hope you find what is important to you and what moves you.

June 13, 2020

The Pursuit of Resilience

Last weekend, in support of someone close to me, I tuned in to watch a streaming Chinese opera concert even though I don’t have much interest in that genre of music. This was my fourth online live concert in as many months. The format loosely followed that of the event organized by Lady Gaga as it featured numerous big-name performing artists and the show was free with proceeds going to those affected by COVID-19. I asked myself how I would describe the experience using a single word?

Entertaining is one option because the shows aired the acts of talented artists.

Generous could be another as the event raised funds and awareness at a time when many are in need.

Inspiring would be a contender due to the message and gesture of solidarity.

Resourceful since, despite the constraints of social distancing, a way was found to put on a show.

I finally decided on resilience.

Resilience is often viewed as an act performed by rare individuals to overcome a highly stressful event. But reading Dr. K. Reivich, who has spent many years teaching this topic at the University of Pennsylvania, has affected my view on resilience. The biggest change in my perspective comes from Dr. Reivich’s belief that there are many factors that contribute to resiliency, some of which are much more common than you might think, such as connectedness and optimism.

The concerts bridged viewers with the performers, providing a connection to the community locally and globally. The shared experience and knowing we’re not alone can be pretty powerful. This can mitigate the feeling of being overwhelmed by the current difficult situation.

Another key element is optimism from believing that, while it is difficult now, it will get better in the near future if we stay the course. This means consistently taking the smart preventative measures of wearing masks, washing hands or using sanitizers, avoiding crowded areas or forms of transportation, and finding socially distant entertainment. Doing so consistently every day are acts of resilience. It may not be one huge heroic, dramatic act, but through perseverance, small, seemingly mundane but consistent actions over a long period of time can be equally powerful.

For example, I once provided therapy to two kids with autism, with a primary focus on teaching them to communicate. The first was non-verbal so he was taught to express what he wanted using cue cards. In our first session together, with guidance, he independently passed along the card and got what he requested. I was ecstatic thinking he would be a quick study. But after a couple of weeks, his use of the cards was sporadic at best. The second boy whom I worked with, was verbal with a limited repertoire of sounds. He loved to play catch and would put a ball in my hands to ask me to play with him. Gradually, he learned to verbally ask to play ball, which was quite a breakthrough! From initially only pushing his lips together to making ‘ba’ sounds to eventually saying ‘ball’, he made small but steady progress each day. The first child made a large and impressively dramatic stride on his first attempt but was not able to solidify the learning, while the second made smaller and slower yet consistent gains to eventual mastery.

Likewise, staying safe and flattening the curve during this time of COVID-19 is a slow and steady process consisting of consistent steps. Each day that you successfully avoid the infection and/or passing it along to others means one more day of successfully breaking the chain of transmission. Until we have discovered the way to cure or inoculate against the virus, let’s not let our guard down.

The Resilience Factor: 7 Keys to Finding Your Inner Strength and Overcoming Life's Hurdles by Dr. Karen Reivich - https://www.amazon.com/Resilience-Factor-Finding-Strength-Overcoming/dp/0767911911

‘Resilience Skills in a Time of Uncertainty’ online course taught by Dr. Karen Reivich

https://www.coursera.org/learn/resilience-uncertainty

May 24, 2020

Help! Youngsters stuck inside!!

‘Wouldn’t it be great if I didn’t have to go to school and could sit at home in front of my computer all day?’

For students and youngsters out there, I bet you thought this once upon a time, then BAM! COVID-19 turns your fantasy into reality. It has been nearly four months now since social distancing has become the norm. With no vaccine or anti-viral treatment available, it is still not safe to go back to how things were before the virus. Meanwhile, the best thing to do is to keep up with social distance to protect yourself and to ensure you don’t pass anything along to other people. While toughing it out, here are some ideas to keep your spirits up.

Online activities

Aside from Facetime, Skype or other ways to video chat with family or friends, consider playing strategy or board games like chess against a friend. At Tabletopia, you can create an account or just sign on as a guest, pick the game, and open up a room. Invite your friend with a URL link and you’re all set. https://tabletopia.com/games/chess

If games of deduction or perception are more your cup of tea, try recreating lip reading games like Jimmy Fallon’s Whisper challenge with Millie Bobby Brown https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhaAzQ__6zU

Or play Ellen’s Heads Up! game https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cO7LVL60afM which you can download on Google Play store or the Apple app store.

Other more physical or full-body activities of interest might be taking on a Tiktok challenge such as Coincidance: https://www.tiktok.com/music/Coincidance-6812596490834282498?lang=en

If you’re into music, try making music online using this free app: https://www.looplabs.com/beta

Family fun time

If you have brothers or sisters, you won’t have to look online for company. Aside from traditional pastimes such as games or movie night, an uncommon idea would be making dumplings. It’s messy, fun, and best of all, you get to eat up all your efforts!

Another food-related idea is having themed dress-up dinner. You get to turn your home into someplace else for a few hours! – https://abc7news.com/quarantine-coronavirus-things-to-do-during-dinner-party-theme-nights/6137039/

Doing your own thing

Growing up, one of the things I loved to do was putting together something cool with legos. Why not make a lego creation like these - https://frugalfun4boys.com/incredible-lego-creations-from-space/

If you have a pet, now could be the time to teach them a new trick - https://dogtime.com/reference/dog-training/34027-10-fun-impressive-tricks-can-teach-dog

Or boldly go into the kitchen and try new concoctions such as baking cookies - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sI7E8J1sGvw

‘Safe’ outdoor activities

Going outside to exercise isn’t prohibited, although it can be tough to exercise while wearing a mask. Just be smart about it to avoid running into a bunch of other people.

Explore hiking in some lesser known spots, going jogging during off peak hours such as late at night or pre-dawn. If you live in an apartment building, you can climb the stairs or do yoga or skipping rope on the roof or balcony if you have access to one.

Stay safe and have fun!