On February 2nd, AKA Groundhog day, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and declared an early Spring. Everybody celebrated him, but why? Because we got a few random days of warm weather? They were followed up by really cold days anyway, so it doesn't even count. I'm here to remind you that Phil is a fake.

   I recently learned from a science segment on the news that the reason we are seeing such strange weather patterns is because melting icebergs in Antarctica cause heat in the atmosphere to be distributed differently. In other words, global warming is changing our weather patterns…AND THIS RANDOM GROUNDHOG IS PROFITING OFF OF IT! I'm disgusted.

   He’s tried to fool us on the matter before. Remember that one year a while back when a lot of the U.S. saw its first green Christmas? Then Groundhog day came around and everybody was hoping to see some snow, so punk Phil gave six more weeks of winter and false hope that it would snow, all for his five seconds of fame. He wants you to think he can control the weather just like he wants you to think it's been the same groundhog since 1887. We all know it's not. I, for one, will not be duped by this fool hog any longer.

   During lunch on Friday, March 26, Senior Stuart Dent decided to scale one of the trees in the courtyard.

   Upon reaching the roofline of the school, he took a bag of trail mix from his lunch and began pelting other students with almonds.

   “It was total chaos,” recounts Senior Al Monde.

   Students ran to take shelter out of reach. Dent refused to descend the tree for several hours. 

   Dent poured hot soup down at anyone who attempted to climb up after him and loudly claimed that he had three thermoses full of soup. 

   Dent called down, “I’m not coming down until you give us back the cafeteria microwaves.”

   Unable to retrieve Dent by force, staff simply decided to leave him there until he was forced to come down on his own. He was left alone in the courtyard.

   Junior Chloe Amber commented, “It makes sense. Sooner or later, he’ll have to come down.”

   However, Dent proved more determined to continue his stunt than staff bargained for. When a teacher returned at the end of the day, Dent was still there and seemed to have no plans of descending. 

   Teacher Anthony Savalle eventually had the idea to spray him with a hose. 

   After 30 minutes of being doused with water, Dent descended the tree and was promptly dealt a 3 week suspension. 

   Microwaves have still not been returned to the cafeteria. 

  Following a brutal attack on lakeview student Ella Myers, 23’ by wild raccoons living under the gym bleachers, student witnesses gave their feedback. 

    The event occurred Monday, March 29 when Myers was reaching under the bleachers for a floor hockey ball. 

    Mark Edwards, 22’ explained, “She was picked to be on my team for gym that day when ‘bam’ that raccoon jumped out of nowhere.”

   Edwards said, “She was just being nice, trying to get the ball that I accidentally bounced under the bleachers and she got attacked.”

    “I feel so bad,” he elaborated.

    “I was just covering the net when I saw it crawl out from under the bleachers and jump on her back,” said Jessica Rowe 21’.

   “I’m really concerned for the security of the school if a group of raccoons was able to live under the bleachers undetected until a student got attacked,” Rowe commented. 

   Rowe brought up an interesting question with that comment; If raccoons are living under the bleachers, what else could be living in the school?

    “When it happened she screamed louder than I’ve ever heard,” said John Elliott 23’ who was present on the other side of the gym when this happened. 

     Myers missed school the following day due to injuries, but thankfully she only had to visit the hospital for a rabies vaccine.

   The teacher that hour commented, “I’ve had many injuries happen in my classes before, but nothing that was caused by a raccoon attack, or any animal in fact.”

   Other than raccoons, there are rumored to be giant frogs and cat-sized rats around the pool and in the bathrooms.

   Rachel Edwards (girls swim team captain) commented, “It’s very strange and a bit uncomfortable to see these giant frogs hopping around near the pool, especially at meets.” 

   Michael Matthews 22’  said, “I’ve seen many strange things in the boys bathroom before, like the trash can being put in the toilet or the juice wrld memorial last year, but these rats are something else.”

   He elaborated, “They’re almost as big as my cat, fluffy, at home and he isn’t the smallest.”   

   Upon these strange reports by students, the janitors have agreed to come together and hunt the animals down, removing them from the school grounds. With this issue being solved, hopefully these strange occurrences and attacks will be no more.

 This week a large velociraptor escaped from the Cranbrook Institute of Science and made its way to the doors of Lakeview High School. This is the first time a dinosaur has been spotted in over 65 million years. The dinosaur ripped open the doors of Lakeview and was running through the halls chasing students and teachers. It had the whole city scared for their lives and had the rest of the state on the lookout for other dinosaurs.

   Cranbrook is under a serious investigation after police arrived at the scene and discovered that they not only were housing one dinosaur, but they also had three others. 

   Cranbrook has a separate campus civilians did not know about until today. This campus is where the dinosaurs are kept. 

   St. Clair Shores Police Chief, Tom Woodcox said, “Cranbrook is a prestigious institution and no one expected to uncover real living dinosaurs. An investigation is underway as to how these dinosaurs are still alive and what their plan was with the 4 dinosaurs.”

   The hope was for no casualties but that was sadly not the case. The one and only victim was Anthony Savalle. 

   Savalle sustained serious injuries to his upper right limb and the paramedics had to pull the limb from the velociraptor’s mouth.

   Martha Savalle, wife of the victim and witness of the mauling, stated, “It was the scariest moment of my life. The day started off normal and the last thing I ever expected to happen was to have a dinosaur chasing my husband through the halls of Lakeview. I thought dinosaurs were wiped off of the face of the Earth millions of years ago.”

   Director of Cranbrook Institute of Science, Michael D. Stafford released a statement apologizing, “On behalf of myself and my fellow colleagues, We apologize for the destruction caused by this incident. We are not sure how one of the velociraptors escaped but we are deeply sorry for the destruction caused and for putting thousands of people in danger.”

   Many have begun to take action against Cranbrook and its employees. Many do not think this apology was sincere and do not understand why there were dinosaurs being hidden from the public. As a result, lawsuits are being drawn up against everyone involved. 

   Thankfully there few people were hurt and that Cranbrook was caught before they were able to cause any more damage.