Welcome to the world of making your partner feel like the superstar they are! Here’s how to create a "How to Make Me Feel Loved" list that's less about guessing and more about straight-up instructions. Because sometimes, love needs a little user manual.

The Two-Part Process to Creating Your Personalised Love Guide:

Step 1: Make Your List of Love Hits

Each of you gets to jot down all the things that make you feel loved, cared for, and energised by the other person. Don’t hold back—this is your love wishlist! Rank each item from 1 to 10, with 10 being the “if you only do one thing, make it this” level. Organize them in order of importance, so your partner knows where to aim for maximum impact. Bonus points if you write it in third person—it’ll feel like you’re writing their love playbook. 

Sample List of Love Demands… er, Requests:

10: Buy her gifts that scream, “I care!” just because you love her—no holiday, no occasion, just vibes.  

10: Surprise date night. You plan, she shows up. Everyone wins.  

10: Be the captain of Team Togetherness. Take the lead on holidays, family gatherings, and traditions so she can relax and just enjoy the ride.  

10: Help her process her morning anxiety or those endless issues with people who don’t have their lives together.  

10: Devise schemes for passive income like a business tycoon—her personal Warren Buffett.  

10: Be the classic gentleman—opening doors, carrying things, and treating her like the queen she is.  

10: Security detail mode: lock the house, be her personal bodyguard, and keep her safe like you’re guarding the crown jewels.  

10: Become a full-blown [insert your name] expert. Study her inner world like it’s your PhD thesis.  

9: Ballet or opera date, because sometimes a night of culture says “I love you.”  

9: Hype up her projects, passions, and weird hobbies like you’re her biggest fan—because you are.  

8: Keep that beard soft, or her face will revolt. Trust us on this.  

8: When she’s struggling or wants to try something new, don’t just sit there—take charge and make it happen.  

7: Master the art of tummy holding. No further explanation needed.  

7: Surprise her with food, tea, or just bring home something from Whole Foods that screams “I thought of you.”  

7: Post about her awesomeness on Facebook like you’re running her fan page.  

6: Plan a romantic getaway with her at the center of every activity.  

6: Beautify the house with a little project that’ll make her swoon (or at least smile).  

5: Take her shopping on your dime—bonus points if you take her somewhere she actually likes.  

5: Slip her little love notes because old-school romance never dies.  

3: Whip up a rose petal bath because even the tough ones like a little pampering.  

2: Read those “how to be a better partner” books like it’s your new hobby. Self-improvement for the win!  

Step 2: The Great Love Exchange  

Now, trade lists like you’re swapping secret family recipes. Sit down and discuss each item. Get specific: What does “buy her gifts” mean exactly? Does “date night” mean Netflix and takeout or full red carpet treatment? Then, chat about what you think you already do for your partner—and brace yourself for some real talk about whether it’s actually working. You’re basically going to tell a third party (who’s not there) all the ways you think you’re nailing this relationship thing, and then you’ll get feedback on whether your partner agrees or just thinks you’re delusional. 

And there you have it—your personalised love cheat sheets! Now go out there and love like it’s a competitive sport!

Connection 

Belonging 

Trust

Prioritisation 

Empathy 

Presence

Affection

Words of affirmation 

Communication 

Sex

Emotional Support 

Physical Support 

Expression 

Sharing one’s feelings, emotions, thoughts with others 

Co-regulation

Contact comfort 

Attention 

Sense of community 

Love 

Warmth

Social warmth

Intimacy 

Quality Time 

Gifts

Companionship 

Commitment 

To Feel Wanted and Needed

Relational Security (safe in our relationships)

Protection 

Feel Valued and Appreciated

This is a small list of non-negotiable needs for human wellbeing.

When these needs aren’t met, we don’t simply “get over it.” We starve. And when we starve, we find ways to cope with the pain — shopping, gaming, alcohol, eating, manipulating, numbing, smoking, distracting, or isolating.

Depending on others can feel scary, because it makes us feel powerless. If our needs weren’t met in childhood — or worse, if we were punished for having them — then our adult self often vows to never depend again.

But independence has become an illness. The fastest way to unhappiness is pretending you don’t need anyone. The truth is, human beings are wired to depend on one another. When you deny your needs, you deny life.

When you acknowledge your needs and find safe ways to meet them, you fill your own tank. And when your tank is full, you have more to give — more patience, more presence, more love — to your partner, your children, your family, and your community.

The question is not “Do I need?” but “What’s missing, and what 1% step can I take to meet it?”

• Could I communicate this need gently with my partner?

• Could I open up a little more with a friend? Or get a pet?

• Could I allow myself to receive professional support?

• Could I join an activity that meets my missing needs? 

Sometimes, it’s as simple as finding the right place to practice the need you’re missing. 

Meeting these needs isn’t selfish. It’s love in practice. We can’t ask our partner to be a Swiss Army Knife and fill up all our needs that previously a whole village provided. 

When you take a 1% step toward filling your own tank, you bring more warmth, safety, and life into your relationship.

Examples of Needs and Gentle 1% Solutions:

Connection

• Join a small couples’ group or family-friendly activity.

• Schedule a regular evening walk together.

Belonging

• Share meals with extended family or close friends.

• Start a simple weekly ritual — like Sunday morning pancakes.

Trust

• Try a partner activity that requires teamwork (dancing, hiking, tennis).

• Share truths daily to rebuild trust step by step.

Affection & Touch

• Hugs when leaving and returning home.

• Gentle activities with touch built in (partner yoga, dance, even just hand-holding more often).

Presence

• A no-phones dinner once a week.

• Slow coffee mornings together.

Communication & Expression

• Join a couples’ communication workshop.

• Create a weekly check-in ritual: “What felt good this week? What do we need more of?”

Emotional Support

• Couples’ therapy or a supportive group for parents.

• Commit to listening without fixing for five minutes daily.

Sense of Community

• Family playdates, church groups, neighborhood dinners.

• A shared hobby that gets you around others.

Intimacy & Quality Time

• Schedule date nights, even if they’re simple at-home picnics.

• Practice small, daily moments of closeness (a hand on the back, looking into each other’s eyes before sleep).

Feeling Valued

• Share one thing daily you appreciate about each other.

• Write small notes and leave them where your partner can find them.

Connection

• Join a “bad singers karaoke night” — no talent required, only connection.

• Volunteer to walk shelter dogs (they’ll connect with anyone).

Belonging

• Trivia night team: nothing bonds people like shouting the wrong answer with confidence.

• Board game café — where you learn who really belongs in jail (Monopoly).

Trust

• Rock climbing — literally put your life in someone’s hands.

• Improv comedy group — trust falls but with jokes.

Prioritisation

• Schedule a “you day” once a week (friends can join if they bring snacks).

• Join a cooking club where someone else has to do the dishes.

Empathy

• Book club — but only memoirs, so you practice stepping into other lives.

• Watch sad movies together and pass the tissues (instant empathy gym).

Presence

• Meditation class, or just “slow coffee walks” with a buddy.

• Sign up for salsa — presence required unless you enjoy stepped-on toes.

Affection

• BJJ or wrestling, but call it “strategic hugging.”

• Cat café — unconditional affection with an entry fee. 

Words of Affirmation

• Toastmasters (aka: people clap for you no matter what you say).

• Join an online “compliment circle” where you practice giving and receiving praise.

Communication

• Improv group (communication bootcamp disguised as fun).

• Debate club — but make the topics ridiculous (“Pineapple DOES belong on pizza”).

Sex

• Date night club (couples commit to prioritizing intimacy weekly).

• Or for singles: tango. Hot, close, but still clothed.

Emotional Support

• Peer support groups (for literally anything — gaming, parenting, heartbreak).

• Karaoke therapy — sing it out together.

Physical Support

• Join a moving crew for friends. Pizza as currency.

• Partner yoga: being someone’s literal support beam.

Expression

• Stand-up comedy open mic (expression + terror + growth).

• Painting class where no one is allowed to say “I can’t draw.”

Co-regulation

• Breathwork or yoga nidra in a group.

• Choir singing — your nervous systems sync without you noticing.

Attention

• Drama club. Instant spotlight.

• Join a local pub quiz — everyone gets a turn in the hot seat.

Sense of Community

• Community gardening (you + tomatoes + neighbors).

• Join the local “bad runners” club (where finishing is winning).

Love / Warmth / Social Warmth

• Potluck dinners (everyone brings food, everyone leaves full in belly + heart).

• Group sauna or cold plunges — misery and warmth, shared.

Intimacy / Quality Time

• Cooking class together — intimacy over chopping onions.

• “Silent retreats” (weirdly deep intimacy without words).

Gifts

• Random acts of kindness club (give tiny gifts to strangers, watch them melt).

• Secret Santa — but year-round and low-budget.

Companionship

• Dog-walking groups — built-in companionship + cute distractions.

• Hiking clubs — nature + people who’ll share trail mix.

Commitment / To Feel Wanted

• Join a team sport — they need you to show up or they forfeit.

• Choir/band — your note matters.

Relational Security / Protection

• Martial arts club — where you practice protecting and being protected.

• Camping trips — nothing bonds people like bears (hopefully none).

Feel Valued and Appreciated

• Volunteer tutoring — watch someone’s eyes light up because of you.

• Host a monthly “gratitude dinner” where everyone names what they value about each other

Explanation of Addiction 

Addiction is one of the most misunderstood phenomena in society. We commonly identify the substance or behaviour a person is addicted to — alcohol, gambling, opioids, porn, work, etc. — as the cause of the addiction. This is a fundamental error. It is equivalent to seeing flies on a pile of garbage and concluding that the flies created the garbage.

In reality, the substance or behaviour is rarely the origin of the problem. It is a response to an underlying problem.

1. Addiction as a Coping Mechanism

Every addiction is a coping mechanism — a repeated strategy a person uses because it provides specific relief from emotional or psychological distress.

A “coping mechanism” simply means:
A mental, emotional, or physical action that helps a person manage distress they otherwise cannot resolve or escape.

Stress is not a minor inconvenience. Prolonged distress has measurable effects on health, decision-making, and overall functioning. When a person cannot remove or resolve the source of their distress (a situation common in childhood, but also in adulthood), they seek ways to adapt to it. Some adaptations are constructive. Others are harmful but effective in the short term — this is where addiction develops.

2. Why Addiction Begins

A practical way to understand addiction is through analogy:

Analogy 1: A Wound

If a person has a deep physical wound but cannot heal it directly, they will use painkillers to make life bearable.
Addictive behaviours function as self-administered pain relief for emotional or psychological wounds.

Analogy 2: The Hole

Imagine someone stuck in a deep pit with no exit — or who believes no exit exists. Using an addictive behaviour gives them temporary “wings” that lift them off the bottom of the pit. But the wings don’t allow escape; they only allow a temporary reprieve. When the effect wears off, they fall back down.

Addiction is not about pleasure; it is about relief. People repeat behaviours that temporarily reduce internal pressure.

3. Why Some People Become Addicted and Others Don’t

Much of modern research focuses on physiological variables to explain addiction: genetics, receptor activity, neurochemistry, etc. These matter, but they are not the primary differentiator.

The biggest predictor of addiction remains the type of psychological distress or emotional wounding a person has experienced.

Different emotional injuries lead to different preferred forms of relief. Here are some examples:

• Self-hatred or internalised rejection → higher risk of addictions like self-harm or bulimia (behaviours that regulate shame or redirect emotional pain).
  
  

• Chronic emotional emptiness → higher likelihood of addictions involving intense stimulation or dominance/submission fantasies that temporarily create sensation or relational power.
  
  

• Fear of emotions / emotional suppression → some people become addicted to activities that numb or neutralise emotions (e.g., compulsive meditation, extreme work habits).
  
  

• Feeling unsafe being authentic in relationships → higher risk of alcohol addiction, because alcohol temporarily lowers the need for social self-protection.
  
  

• Chronically over-activated nervous system (anxiety) → stronger pull toward sedatives and opioids.
  
  

• Powerlessness and depressive states → stronger pull toward stimulants like cocaine and amphetamines.
  
  

The specific substance or behaviour is not random; it matches the type of relief the person needs.

4. The “Rat Park” Study: A Practical Demonstration

A classic series of studies illustrates this principle:

• In early experiments, isolated rats in empty cages were given access to cocaine-laced water.
  They consumed it compulsively until death.
  
  

• The conclusion at the time: “Drugs inevitably cause addiction.”
  
  

Professor Bruce Alexander challenged this. He changed one variable: the environment.

• He built “Rat Park” — a large enclosure with tunnels, toys, and most importantly, other rats.
  
  

• In this enriched, socially connected environment, rats showed almost no interest in the drug-laced water.
  
  

The key lesson:
The original addiction was not caused by the drug. It was caused by the conditions in which the rats lived: isolation, deprivation, and lack of stimulation.

When basic needs were met, addiction lost its purpose.

5. Core Takeaway

Addiction is not about weak willpower, moral failure, or inherent defect. And it is rarely about the substance or behaviour itself. It is:

• a functional adaptation
  
  

• to unresolved distress,
  
  

• that the individual does not know how to eliminate or escape.
  
  

If the underlying distress is identified and addressed — through support, environmental change, psychological treatment, or increased safety — the addiction often diminishes naturally, because its purpose disappears.

===================================

 1. Loneliness as a Universal Factor

Across all forms of addiction, one factor consistently appears: loneliness.
This loneliness may be obvious or hidden, but it is always present. Addicted individuals typically experience two things at once:

1. Psychological or emotional pain, and
   
   

2. A sense of being alone with that pain.
   
   

This is one reason traditional “tough love” strategies frequently backfire. Harsh boundaries, emotional withdrawal, or punitive responses increase the individual’s sense of isolation. When loneliness and pain rise, the person becomes more motivated to seek relief through the addictive behaviour—or they shift to a new addiction if the previous one is blocked.

2. The Core Issue to Address

If you want to meaningfully reduce addiction, the most important variables to address are:

• Loneliness, isolation, and lack of supportive connection, and
  
  

• The specific emotional or psychological wounds the person is trying to escape.
  
  

These factors matter far more than the particular substance or behaviour itself.
In this framework, the addiction is treated as a symptom, not the cause.

Successful treatment programs—whether formal or informal—understand this. They focus primarily on:

• repairing the underlying injuries,
  
  

• strengthening emotional safety and connection, and
  
  

• restructuring the person’s environment.
  
  

When the original wound is resolved, the addictive behaviour loses its purpose.
Just as a person does not need pain medication when they are no longer in pain, the addictive behaviour stops functioning as “relief.”

3. Systemic Failures in Many Treatment Centers

Most addiction centers operate with outdated or incomplete models. Many are driven more by business incentives than by modern behavioural science. The problems include:

• A focus on the substance instead of the underlying psychological cause.
  
  

• Minimal attention to family and social dynamics, which are often the major source of relapse.
  
  

• High relapse rates, which treatment centers often attribute to patient failure rather than program failure.
  
  

• Financial incentives for repeated admissions, which means long-term success is not always aligned with the center’s business model.
  
  

Because of these issues, a significant number of programs produce cycles of readmission rather than sustained recovery.

4. Why Focusing on the Substance Alone Fails

When a treatment approach targets only the behaviour—such as removing the drugs, restricting access, or disciplining the person—without addressing the cause of the distress, two things typically happen:

1. The person relapses once the pressure increases again.
   
   

2. Or they simply shift to a different addiction (alcohol → gambling, opioids → sex, etc.).
   
   

To understand addiction, you must understand why the addictive behavior functions as the individual’s escape, relief, or self-medication. Many people live with such intense emotional or psychological pain that harmful behaviour feels justified because it provides temporary relief.

Ignoring the underlying distress and focusing only on the behaviour is comparable to treating chronic pain by repeatedly confiscating the patient’s painkillers while ignoring the injury.

5. The Necessary Direction for Recovery

Addiction thrives because it allows a person to move away from internal pain.
However, resolution occurs in the opposite direction: they must finally address that pain—directly and safely.

Restricting access to the addictive substance can be useful, but only if accompanied by a process that helps the person:

• become aware of the underlying distress,
  
  

• face it without being overwhelmed, and
  
  

• resolve or reorganise the root causes.
  
  

Without this process, restriction alone increases internal pressure and leads to relapse.

6. Illustrative Case Study 

Consider the case of “Pat,” a former elite athlete.

Background

Pat grew up in a family environment where achievement was the only path to receiving attention. “Success” was required to feel valued. Nothing he achieved was enough. This produced chronic feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure.

Trigger Event

After making his national team, he became ill shortly before a major competition. As a result, he performed poorly, lost his chance at a medal, and concluded that he had “failed”—reviving the childhood belief that he was insignificant and unworthy.

Onset of Addiction

At a social event he tried OxyContin and, for the first time, felt temporary relief from those painful emotions. The drug did not create pleasure; it produced absence of pain. That relief became the basis of his addiction.

As life pressures increased, he used the drug more frequently, lost his career, depleted his finances, and became involved in illegal behavior to support his use.

Failed Interventions

His family eventually removed him from the home and placed him in multiple rehab centers.
He relapsed each time.
Why?
Because the programs targeted the drug use itself, not:

• the lifelong pressure to prove himself,
  
  

• the absence of unconditional support, or
  
  

• the belief that his worth depended on performance.
  
  

Returning home always reactivated the same family dynamics that created the feelings driving his addiction.

Successful Intervention

Recovery began only when Pat worked with a therapist to confront:

• the childhood dynamics,
  
  

• the sense of failure,
  
  

• the belief he had no value outside achievement, and
  
  

• the harmful relational patterns in his adult social circle.
  
  

He changed his environment, built relationships where he felt valued simply for who he was, and gradually detached his identity from parental approval.
As the psychological pain resolved, the drug lost its function.
Pat has remained drug-free for over a decade.

This demonstrates that addressing the underlying emotional conditions—not the substance—is the determining factor in long-term recovery.

7. Where Causes and Solutions Really Lie

If you want to understand addiction, start here:

• Look at the person’s childhood environment.
  
  

• Identify chronic emotional pain, neglect, pressure, or instability.
  
  

• Examine which relational patterns from childhood continue in adulthood.
  
  

• Evaluate the person’s current level of loneliness, isolation, or lack of supportive social structure.
  
  

Genetics, neurochemistry, and substances matter, but they are rarely the primary drivers.

8. A Note on Stigma

Addiction is not a moral failure. Punitive interpretations—especially in legal contexts—treat addiction as though it reflects a lack of character or ethics. In the future, this approach will likely be viewed as outdated and misguided.

Almost everyone uses some form of compulsive coping mechanism. The differences lie mainly in:

• how socially acceptable the mechanism is, and
  
  

• how much damage it causes.
  
  

Recognising this reduces stigma and makes effective intervention more likely.

=========================

Alcohol Use Disorder and Its Roots

1. Alcohol and Human Behaviour

Alcohol has been part of human civilisation for thousands of years. Across cultures and eras, fermentation and brewing have been normal features of social life.
However, a proportion of people lose the ability to regulate their alcohol use despite increasingly harmful consequences. This is what is now referred to as Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD).

Many people prefer not to use the word alcoholic because of its stigma and its connotations of moral judgement. But for clarity—and because this explanation does not frame the condition as a disease—the familiar term “alcoholic” is used here.

2. Addiction as a Coping Strategy

All addiction functions as a coping mechanism. In practical terms, it is self-administered relief from distress or tension.
One of the challenges in recognising problematic drinking is that many people become so accustomed to chronic stress that they no longer consciously notice it. They simply observe that drinking “takes the edge off”, without questioning what that “edge” is or why it is there.

The social normalisation of alcohol—meals, celebrations, gatherings—further masks the fact that many people drink primarily to manage discomfort they have grown used to ignoring.

3. The “Root” of Alcohol Addiction

Every addiction functions as a form of rescue from a specific kind of pain.
Different underlying pains lead different people to different addictive behaviours.

The psychological pain most closely associated with alcoholism is unsafety in relationships—a pervasive sense that interactions with other people, especially emotionally intimate ones, are unpredictable, unreliable, or dangerous.

Whether or not individuals consciously recognise this unsafety varies widely. Many, especially men, struggle to identify “safety” as the core issue because acknowledging it can feel exposing or emasculating.

Where this unsafety comes from

In most cases, it originates in dysfunctional childhood relationships, where safety, predictability, and emotional reliability were inconsistent or absent.
Without understanding this history, many people conclude instead that:

• they have a personal weakness,
  
  

• a genetic flaw, or
  
  

• a malfunctioning brain.
  
  

Avoiding examination of family or social dysfunction is common, but doing so prevents recovery. At best, a person becomes a “dry drunk”—someone who no longer drinks but still behaves according to the same defensive patterns developed in childhood.

Unaddressed dysfunction is almost always repeated in adult relationships. People unconsciously recreate what they grew up with because it feels familiar, even if it was damaging.

4. What Alcohol Relieves

People with alcoholism share a common internal state:

• not feeling safe with others, especially emotionally
  
  

• not knowing how to create stable, positive relationships
  
  

• living in chronic social vigilance
  
  

• feeling unable to trust that vulnerability will be protected
  
  

This state resembles what occurs in soldiers with PTSD who later develop alcoholism. Constant alertness, not knowing who can be trusted, and needing to monitor danger in relationships all create chronic tension; alcohol temporarily suppresses this.

5. Relationship Patterns and Partner Choice

Because relationships feel unpredictable or unsafe, individuals with this pattern often choose partners who also come from dysfunction.
This leads to relational dynamics marked by control, insecurity, or volatility.

This is why the co-dependent / narcissistic pairing often appears in relation to alcoholism—not because alcoholism causes narcissism or vice versa, but because both individuals are using dysfunctional strategies to feel secure in relationships.

6. Why Alcohol Feels So Liberating

For someone living with chronic interpersonal tension, alcohol offers three immediate benefits:

1. Relief from constant inhibition
   Inhibition is fundamentally linked to feeling unsafe.
   
   

2. Temporary suspension of pretense
   Many alcoholics feel they must carefully manage their words, choices, and reactions with others.
   This chronic self-monitoring creates immense tension.
   
   

3. A socially acceptable excuse
   Alcohol provides a buffer. If they express something more authentic, they can blame the drink, which reduces the perceived risk of social consequences.
   
   

In daily life, this creates a cycle:
interpersonal tension → need to control → unbearable pressure → alcohol to relieve pressure.

7. The Core Internal Logic

For many individuals with this pattern, life has taught them one rule:

Everyone acts in their own self-interest, so I must constantly protect myself.

When someone lives by this rule, they feel fundamentally alone, even in a room full of people.
Their attention becomes focused on:

• potential threats in relationships,
  
  

• how to prevent those threats, and
  
  

• how to maintain control.
  
  

This high-alert internal state produces the chronic tension that alcohol temporarily relieves.

Thus, alcohol is not the primary problem.
It is a symptom of deeper relational unsafety, rooted in early environments and repeated in adult relationships.

8. Feeling safe to be yourself amongst others.
The difficult truth is this: an alcoholic has never experienced a genuinely safe relationship — one in which two people take each other’s best interests as part of their own. Because of that, they do not actually know what is missing. Without that reference point, the pain they feel has no obvious solution. It simply becomes something they grit their teeth through. And to make matters worse, most alcoholics have made an unconscious, absolute decision: a safe relationship does not exist.

Many addiction specialists prefer to blame genetics or the brain for alcoholism. What they often overlook is that genes change their expression in response to experience, and that the brain itself forms according to the emotional environment a child grows up in. In other words: the brain is sculpted by relationship. If a child grows up with emotional safety, their brain develops differently than it would in an atmosphere of tension, unpredictability, or neglect. Much of what researchers point to as “the alcoholic brain” is simply the result of early relational trauma — not the original cause. Saying addiction is caused by an “addicted brain” is like saying daylight is caused by a light bulb. The story began long before.

Most people know that Alcoholics Anonymous and the Twelve Steps are the dominant forces in the addiction world — almost like the Catholic Church during the Middle Ages. Many defend the programme with religious fervour. But if we set aside sentimentality, a more objective view becomes possible.

The real reason AA works — when it does — is because the meetings offer the closest thing many alcoholics have ever felt to safe human connection. The structure, the predictability, the rules around sharing, the way vulnerability is handled, the presence of people who listen rather than punish: these elements offer a flavour of the relational safety they never had. It is an “opposite experience” to the environment that created the addiction in the first place.

And because society tends to treat addicts as outcasts, it makes sense that they gather in a place where everyone else is also wounded, alienated, or ashamed. AA is free, available at all hours, and everywhere. But it is a support network — not a treatment programme.

It is important to understand that AA meetings are not automatically safe. In fact, because the courts often mandate attendance, the likelihood of encountering people who have patterns of crime or aggression is higher than average. Remember: alcoholism emerges from relational unsafety. People who feel unsafe tend to behave in ways that make them unsafe to others. So even the kindest people in the room may repeat painful relational patterns. The sad truth is that many people meet their perpetrators at AA.

Another problem is that much of AA is built on outdated assumptions about morality. The early founders believed addiction was a matter of moral defect or weakness, and therefore recovery was a moral project. This is why the programme is laced with Christian overtones, even in groups that try to remain agnostic. The moral framing strengthens the very shame that lies at the heart of alcoholism — which is one reason alcoholics struggle so much to admit they have a problem. In a dysfunctional relationship system, admitting weakness is dangerous.

The Twelve Steps also require people to declare themselves powerless and to hand their healing over to a “higher power”. This does not help. It increases the chance of relapse. The point is not to pretend you can control everything in life — you can’t. But you are absolutely not powerless, and you should not put your healing in the hands of something outside yourself. Doing so reinforces the original wound: the sense of helplessness within relationships and within life itself.

There is also the belief held in many groups: “once an addict, always an addict”. This makes people adopt addiction as an identity, which is profoundly harmful. Addiction is a coping mechanism, not a permanent character defect. To maintain a sense of defectiveness just to belong to a group creates a false, limiting self-concept.

And let’s be honest: the Twelve Step model is one size fits all. But the wounds that created your addiction are deeply personal. They require tailored support, not blanket statements or moral scripts. People don’t fail the programme — the programme fails to meet the complexity of people.

So, what do you do if you struggle with alcoholism?

Your first step is deciding that you genuinely do not want to drink. Alcohol is not the thing controlling you — the desire is. If you still believe the benefits outweigh the drawbacks, you will still want to drink. Willpower doesn’t work when desire is pointing the other way. Everything changes the moment you can honestly say: “I don’t want this anymore.” If you cannot say that yet, explore why.

It may help to recognise that alcohol is not good for the body in any quantity. It is a toxin. Studies claiming health benefits tend to confuse the effects of reduced tension or the antioxidants contained in the fruit the alcohol was made from. Saying wine is healthy because grapes contain antioxidants is like saying cake is healthy because cocoa has medicinal properties. We once believed smoking was healthy too.

Accept that you are not powerless. You are a person with unresolved trauma that drives behaviours you cannot fully control yet. That is different from being powerless.

The only real way to heal alcoholism is to resolve the emotional wounds and loneliness that you are trying to numb with alcohol. Abstinence is not the same as healing. If you heal the pain, the craving disappears. Alcoholism is a symptom.

This is why spirituality should not be the centrepiece of addiction treatment. Spirituality can be helpful, but it is often used to avoid the very wounds that need to be faced. It can even become a type of dissociation — swapping real human relationship for “spiritual” ones.

You must go directly into the pain — not around it. And this is far easier with another person supporting you. When you stop drinking, the wounds you’ve numbed will start demanding attention. This is good. This is the doorway. A method called the Completion Process was designed for exactly this. If you want to learn it yourself, read The Completion Process. Another Method is IFS by Dr. Richard Schwartz (Book: No Bad Parts).

The root of alcoholism is relational unsafety. To overcome it, you must master safe relationships. This means learning how safe relationships work, practising them, and becoming someone who is safe for others. Some people in your current life will not be able to meet you in that new reality — and you may need to adjust your social world. To begin learning, watch the youtube video How to Create a Safe Relationship.

You drink to escape the tension, discomfort, and relationship pain you feel you cannot change. But you can change it. Your belief that people cannot be safe is based on your childhood, not on reality.

You grew up in an environment where your emotions were unwelcome unless they suited the adults around you. When you reacted to something unfair or harmful, you were punished. This taught you that you had no control over your own wellbeing in relationships. Someone could hurt you — and you were expected to thank them. To heal this, start with the video The Emotional Wakeup Call. Ask: What am I trying to suppress? What thought or emotion am I trying not to feel? Where does it come from? What does alcohol give me that I don’t know how to access otherwise?

Loneliness is a universal feature of alcoholism. Alcohol eases the ache of emotional emptiness. Shame, the core self-concept of alcoholics, deepens that loneliness. For this reason, The Anatomy of Loneliness is essential reading. 

And above all: alcoholism is not a sign of moral failure. It is not a character flaw. It does not make you bad. And it is not something to be ashamed of.

Approach healing holistically — emotionally, mentally, physically. Try tools and practices that support your wellbeing: meditation, nutritional changes, exercise, liver support, community, energy work, changes to your environment, relational workshops. Your task is to discover what truly nourishes you.

EMOTIONS REFLECTION GUIDE

ANGER

1. What am I angry about?

2. Whom do I blame and why?

3. What do I feel resentment for and why?

4. It makes me so mad when _____.

5. I’m completely fed up with _____.

6. How do I treat others when I’m angry?

7. How do I treat myself when I’m angry?

8. What am I really angry about, deep down?

9. What does the angry part of me need most right now?

10. What would be the most loving thing I could do for myself right now?
    Additional:

11. What does my anger protect me from feeling?

12. What am I afraid would happen if I let go of my anger?

13. What does my anger want me to know about my boundaries?

SADNESS

1. What am I sad about?

2. What have I lost or feel like I’m losing?

3. What am I mourning or grieving, even if it doesn’t seem obvious?

4. What or whom do I miss?

5. Where in my body do I feel the sadness?

6. What does this sad part of me want to say?

7. Have I given myself permission to feel this sadness fully?

8. What is this sadness asking of me?

9. What would comfort this part of me right now?

10. What does this sadness want me to remember or honor?
    Additional:

11. When was the first time I remember feeling this kind of sadness?

12. Is there a younger part of me holding this grief?

13. What would I say to that younger part if I could sit with them now?

FEAR

1. What am I afraid of?

2. What do I imagine might go wrong?

3. What am I trying to protect myself from?

4. What do I fear losing?

5. Is this fear familiar—have I felt it before in my life?

6. What part of me feels most afraid right now?

7. What does this part believe about the world or me?

8. What might happen if I listen to this fear instead of resisting it?

9. What would help this part of me feel safer?

10. What inner or outer resource can I call on for support?
    Additional:

11. What would I do if I felt just 10% safer?

12. What is the fear asking me to pay attention to?

13. Is the fear protecting something vulnerable or precious inside?

SHAME

1. What am I ashamed of?

2. Who taught me to feel shame about this part of myself?

3. What do I believe this shame says about me?

4. What is this shame protecting me from?

5. What does this shamed part need to hear from me now?

6. If I could speak to myself with compassion, what would I say?

7. What part of me is afraid of being seen?

8. What is the cost of carrying this shame?

9. Is this shame mine to carry—or was it handed to me?

10. What would it be like to imagine myself free from this shame?

UNDERSTANDING

1. What am I judging myself for?

2. What am I blaming myself for?

3. What do I feel guilty about?

4. What do I feel ashamed of?

5. What am I assuming others are thinking about me?

6. What stories am I telling myself about who I am?

7. What do I believe this means about me?

8. What do I wish I could say without being judged?

9. What feels hard to admit to myself?

10. What would it be like to be gentle with myself right now?
    Additional:

11. What part of me carries the burden of self-judgment?

12. Who taught me to treat myself this way?

13. What would I say to a friend if they felt this way about themselves?

14. What does the part I reject most in me actually need from me?

15. What would it feel like to be truly seen—by myself?

LOVE

1. What do I really want?

2. What am I yearning for?

3. What am I craving to receive?

4. What am I hoping to feel?

5. What does the softest part of me need right now?

6. What would feel really nourishing right now?

7. What kind of care do I wish someone would give me?

8. What kind of words do I long to hear?

9. If someone really saw me, what would I want them to understand?

10. If I could give myself the love I’m seeking, what would that look like?
    Additional:

11. What part of me is most longing for connection right now?

12. What keeps me from receiving love fully?

13. If I fully trusted I was loved, what might change in me?

14. What does my heart feel like it’s been waiting for?

15. If I could give my inner child one moment of unconditional love, what would I do or say?

How to Heal Disorganised Attachment 

A Simple, Compassionate Guide to Understanding and Healing the Most Painful Attachment Style

About a 35–45 minute read.

1. What Is Disorganised Attachment? (In Plain English)

Imagine this:

You’re a kid. Your parent is your whole world. They’re supposed to be your safe place. But sometimes, they’re also the source of your pain.

Sometimes they love you. Sometimes they scare you. Sometimes they ignore you. Sometimes they hurt you.

You can’t run away — you’re just a kid.

So you freeze. You cling. You push away. You panic.

You learn:

“The person I need the most is also the person I’m most afraid of.”

That’s disorganized attachment.

It’s not just “anxious” or “avoidant” — it’s both, at the same time, in a loop.

It’s like having two alarm systems in your body:

•  One screams: “Don’t leave me!”

•  The other screams: “Get away from me!”

And they both go off when you get close to someone.

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2. Why Does This Happen?

It starts in childhood, when your caregiver (usually a parent) is:

•  Unpredictable — sometimes loving, sometimes scary.

•  Overwhelming — too much emotion, too much control, or too much absence.

•  Unsafe — physically, emotionally, or both.

You can’t make sense of it.

You can’t escape.

So your nervous system does the only thing it can:

It splits.

You develop two parts:

1.  The clingy part — terrified of being abandoned.

2.  The avoidant part — terrified of being hurt.

These parts don’t talk to each other.

They take turns running your life.

And they hate each other.

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3. What Does Disorganized Attachment Look Like in Real Life?

Let’s say you’re in a relationship.

Monday Night:

You and your partner have a deep talk. You feel close, safe, loved.

You think:

“Maybe this is it. Maybe I’m finally safe.”

Tuesday Morning:

They forget to text you back.

Your heart races.

Your mind spirals:

“They’re pulling away. They don’t care. I’m too much. I’m not enough.”

You panic.

You text them 5 times.

You apologize for being “too sensitive.”

You beg for reassurance.

Tuesday Afternoon:

They say: “I just got busy. I’m sorry.”

But it’s too late.

Your avoidant part is activated.

Now you don’t trust them.

You pull away.

You fantasize about leaving.

You feel numb.

You think:

“I don’t need them. I’m better off alone.”

Tuesday Night:

They notice you’re distant.

They ask: “Are you okay?”

You snap: “I’m fine.”

But inside, you’re screaming:

“Come closer. Don’t leave. Please see me.”

Wednesday Morning:

You crawl back.

You cry.

You say sorry.

They hold you.

You feel safe again — for now.

This is the loop.

This is disorganized attachment.

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4. Why Is This So Painful?

Because you’re not just afraid of being left.

You’re afraid of being close.

You’re afraid of being alone.

You’re afraid of being seen.

You’re afraid of being invisible.

You want love, but it feels dangerous.

You want connection, but it feels like a trap.

It’s like being thirsty, but the only water available is poisoned.

So you drink, and then you panic.

You stop drinking, and then you die of thirst.

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5. The Split: Meet Your Two Parts

Let’s give these parts names so you can recognize them.

Part 1: The Clinger (Anxious)

•  Fear: Abandonment

•  Belief: “If I don’t hold on, they’ll leave.”

•  Behavior: Texting too much, apologizing, over-explaining, crying, begging, fantasizing, checking their social media, asking “Do you still love me?”

Part 2: The Protector (Avoidant)

•  Fear: Being hurt, controlled, or overwhelmed

•  Belief: “If I let them in, they’ll destroy me.”

•  Behavior: Shutting down, ghosting, sarcasm, rage, leaving, numbing out, saying “I’m fine,” pushing them away, ending things suddenly

These parts aren’t bad.

They’re trying to protect you.

But they’re stuck in the past.

They think you’re still a kid.

They think your partner is your parent.

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6. How Do You Start Healing?

You don’t get rid of these parts.

You get to know them.

You listen to them.

You help them feel safe.

This is called parts work.

Step 1: Notice When You’re Triggered

Ask yourself:

•  Am I panicking or shutting down?

•  Do I want to beg or run?

•  Do I feel like a child right now?

Step 2: Name the Part

Say:

“This is my Clinger. She’s scared I’ll be abandoned.”

“This is my Protector. He thinks I’m in danger.”

Step 3: Get Curious

Ask:

“What are you afraid will happen?”

“What do you need right now?”

“How old do you feel?”

Step 4: Soothe the Nervous System

Before you do anything, calm your body.

Try:

•  4-6-8 breathing: Inhale 4, hold 6, exhale 8

•  Cold water: Splash your face or put ice on your chest

•  Grounding: Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste

Step 5: Act from Your Adult Self

Ask:

“What would I do if I felt safe right now?”

“What’s the best thing for the relationship?”

“What do I really want?”

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7. Real-Life Example: Sarah and the Potluck

Sarah has disorganized attachment.

Her boyfriend, Jake, didn’t help with a potluck they hosted.

She felt rage.

She fantasized about throwing water in his face.

She wanted to leave.

But this time, she paused.

She said:

“This is my Protector. He thinks Jake is using me. He wants to burn the whole thing down.”

She breathed.

She put ice on her neck.

She asked herself:

“What am I really afraid of?”

Answer:

“I’m afraid I’ll always have to do everything alone.”

She wrote Jake a letter.

Not a text.

Not a fight.

A letter.

She said:

“I felt overwhelmed and alone. I’m scared I’ll always be the one holding everything. I need to know you’re with me. Can we talk about how we share responsibility?”

Jake didn’t get defensive.

He listened.

He cried.

He said:

“I didn’t realize. I’ll do better.”

It wasn’t perfect.

But it was repair.

And repair is how you heal.

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8. What Healing Looks Like (It’s Not Linear)

Healing isn’t:

“I’m cured! I never panic again!”

Healing is:

“I panicked — but I noticed it.”

“I wanted to run — but I stayed.”

“I wanted to beg — but I asked for what I needed instead.”

It’s messy.

It’s slow.

But it’s possible.

====

The Road to Safe Relationships, Secure Love, and Self-Trust

9. How to Find Safe People (and Stop Picking Unsafe Ones)

People with disorganized attachment often say:

“I don’t attract safe people.”

“I only meet narcissists.”

“I don’t even know what safe feels like.”

That’s not your fault.

You were taught that love = danger.

So your nervous system thinks unsafe people are familiar — and familiar = safe.

But you can retrain this.

Red Flags (Unsafe People)

•  They shame you for having needs

•  They gaslight you (“You’re too sensitive”)

•  They punish you for being upset (silent treatment, rage)

•  They refuse to talk about feelings

•  They make you feel crazy for needing reassurance

Green Flags (Safe People)

•  They stay calm when you’re upset

•  They ask: “What do you need right now?”

•  They apologize without defensiveness

•  They follow through on small promises

•  They want to understand your triggers

How to Practice

1.  Start small. Ask for something tiny:

“Can you text me when you get home?”

2.  Watch their response.

Do they roll their eyes? Or say “Of course”?

3.  Notice your body.

Do you feel tight or relaxed?

Safe people won’t feel like fireworks at first.

They’ll feel boring.

That’s good.

Boring = safe.

Fireworks = trauma bonding.

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10. How to Build a Safe Relationship (Even If You’re Both Wounded)

You don’t need a perfect partner.

You need a willing one.

The 3-Step Repair Loop

1.  Trigger happens (you panic or shut down)

2.  Pause (breathe, notice the part)

3.  Repair (talk about the need, not the behavior)

Example:

You: (silent, cold)

Them: “Are you mad?”

Old You: “I’m fine.” (then explode later)

New You:

“I got triggered. My Protector part thinks you’re pulling away. I need a minute to calm down, then can we talk?”

This is not easy.

But it’s how trust is built.

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11. How to Do Parts Work (Alone or With a Therapist)

You don’t need to be in therapy to start.

But you do need to slow down.

Solo Parts Work (10-Minute Practice)

1.  Sit quietly.

Close your eyes.

Ask:

“Is there a part of me that’s activated right now?”

2.  Let it speak.

Don’t judge.

Just listen.

3.  Ask it:

•  How old are you?

•  What are you afraid of?

•  What do you need?

4.  Respond like a loving parent.

“I hear you. I’m here. You’re not alone.”

5.  Write it down.

Even if it feels weird.

Therapy Modalities That Use Parts Work

•  Internal Family Systems (IFS) – the gold standard

•  Voice Dialogue – talk to your “inner voices”

•  Gestalt Therapy – role-play with parts

•  Schema Therapy – heal “inner child modes”

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12. What If Your Partner Doesn’t Understand?

This is the hardest part.

You open up.

You explain your triggers.

They say:

“Why can’t you just get over it?”

“You’re too much.”

“You’re acting crazy.”

You Have 3 Choices

1.  Educate them (if they’re willing)

•  Share videos, books, articles

•  Say:

“This isn’t about you. It’s about my nervous system. I need your help to feel safe.”

2.  Set boundaries (if they’re defensive)

•  “I can’t talk when you call me dramatic. I need to take a break.”

3.  Leave (if they’re abusive)

•  You can’t heal in a war zone

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13. How to Trust Again (When You’ve Been Hurt 1,000 Times)

Trust isn’t:

“I believe you’ll never hurt me.”

Trust is:

“I believe we can repair when you do.”

Rebuild Trust in 3 Steps

1.  Micro-promises

Ask for tiny things:

“Can you call me at 8pm?”

If they do, your nervous system gets a new imprint:

“People can show up.”

2.  Repair fast

When they mess up, do they:

•  Apologize?

•  Ask how to make it right?

•  Change the behavior?

3.  Self-trust

The bigger trust is:

“Even if they do hurt me, I won’t abandon myself.”

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14. Forgiveness: Not for Them — for You

You will mess up.

You will lash out.

You will push people away.

And then you’ll hate yourself.

Here’s What to Do

1.  Name the shame

“I can’t believe I did that. I’m so broken.”

2.  Find the part

“That was my Protector. He thought destroying the relationship was safer than being hurt.”

3.  Apologize to yourself

“I’m sorry I blamed you. You were trying to survive.”

4.  Make amends

•  Write a letter to your partner (even if you don’t send it)

•  Do a repair ritual (light a candle, say: “I choose love over fear”)

5.  Try again

Healing is not about never falling.

It’s about getting up faster each time.

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15. The 5 Stages of Healing Disorganized Attachment

Stage What It Feels Like What You Do

1. Chaos “I’m crazy.” Learn to name the parts

2. Awareness “Oh… that’s my Clinger.” Pause before reacting

3. Repair “I messed up — but I can fix it.” Apologize, explain, ask

4. Trust “Sometimes I feel safe.” Micro-promises, nervous system work

5. Secure “I can handle hard things.” Co-regulate, help others, feel peace

You won’t be perfect.

But you’ll stop being ruled by fear.

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16. Final Words: You Are Not Broken

You are not “too much.”

You are not unlovable.

You are not doomed.

You are someone who learned that love hurts.

And now you’re learning that love can also heal.

You don’t need to become someone else.

You just need to come home to yourself.

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Resources to Keep Going

Books

•  “Attached” – Amir Levine

•  “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” – Pete Walker

•  “No Bad Parts” – Richard Schwartz (IFS)

Videos

•  Teal Swan: “Fragmentation” ''Disorganized Attachment''

•  Thais Gibson: “Disorganized Attachment”

•  Therapy in a Nutshell: “Nervous System Regulation”

• More Video's

Exercises

•  Daily check-in: “What part is active?”

•  Breathwork: 4-6-8 or box breathing

•  Letter writing: to your inner child, to your partner, to your parts

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You Are Already Doing It

If you read this far,

you’re not “broken.”

You’re brave.

You’re already healing.

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You are not alone.

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