sALT

I am a couple weeks shy of turning 45 and for most of my adult life since my early 20s, I have taken anti-depressants and mood stabilizers because my symptoms fit and are are responsive by those prescribed for the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. It used to be called Manic Depression and if you ask me that is a much cooler name but what are you gonna do. The National Institute of Mental Health describes it as, "a mental illness that causes unusual shifts in a person’s mood, energy, activity levels, and concentration. These shifts can make it difficult to carry out day-to-day tasks."

Make it difficult. Yes, something like that. When I was in my early 20's and my brain was imploding and exploding with hormones and chemical fluctuations, I was fucking blessed to have 1) A therapist who knew a guy 2) Said guy was both a neurologist and a psychiatrist. With both of their help I was able to get back into the saddle of my life. It took months to find the right medicines, that part was not great at all but eventually, I was able to get a job, move out of my parents house and get on with my life. 

I mean, it hasn't been that simple. You might meet me and assume things are dandy. I have been in the same relationship for going on 14 years, I have gotten to be a part of my daughter's life growing up and launching, I have a fulfilling career and most of the time things are alright. I can get dressed and go to work and go to the grocery store and even make small talk. All this is because I take care of myself in a very prescribed way. I don't drink or take recreational drugs. I take my medicines as prescribed. I set alarms to remind me to eat. I engage in my own relationship with powers greater than myself to remain humble and grateful. 

However, a couple weeks ago, I stopped being able to sleep. Usually this only happens when I decide to go off my medicines which I have a few times in the past 20 years (it doesn't go well). This time I was under some stress and doing all the regular things but just not able to shut my mind off. It used to be torture, I would seethe for hours reviewing all the terrible things I have done and said in my life and spiral downward into the pits of hell. I have learned not to submit to the dark thoughts which is a huge deal but awake I remained. It was a very long week. Every night I did not sleep, the likelihood of unraveling gets higher.  After three nights of no sleep, I took the day off work, got my labs for my lithium levels and called my doctor. I am lucky to have a provider who will prescribe me lithium, the medicine that has been so good for me all these years. I once had an MD ask me if instead of lithium, I would just commit to jogging every day. She doesn't know that in the depths of depression, I can't get out of bed, let alone break a sweat in public. She was the worst.

Anyway about an hour after I got my blood work done, the labs were posted to my account. My lithium level was lower than it ever has in my treatment thus far and Oh dang. I knew what the problem is. Last spring I lowered my dose because I was afraid it was negatively impacting my health. My doctor signed off on it. She told me to just take more when and if I started to feel weird again.And this certainly fell under the category of feeling weird again. I upped the dose as agreed upon. The following night, I slept. I am back to my pattern of waking up, living my life. No big deals. No crying jags, no jumbled thoughts, no crippling agoraphobia.

Humans need sleep. Bipolar people will quickly get symptomatic if they do not have access to sleep. Symptomatic is like, suicidal depression and intrusive thoughts and I would be lying if I didn't once think a good friend of mine was actually undercover CIA. It's been a long time and I remember thinking that sounded crazy but it didn't keep me from believing it. I went to four colleges in four cities in four years. I used to tell people I was good at applying and getting into college but I think it was mental illness. Mania is not as fun as it sounds for the person who's making weird choices or the people around them. I feel like my taking lithium, which is a salt (take that Big Pharma) is me doing my part to make the world a little more stable, safe and interesting. 

Email me at Jessica@jessicaehlers.com if you have any insights or questions you because adding comments here is above my pay grade.