Power Struggle Tango!
Are you stuck dancing the power struggle tango?
As a child I remember the pivotal moment of when my mom MEANT BUSINESS. Her pattern would go like this:
"Nice" Demands
"Guilt trip" Demands
Yelling with threats
Stomping up the stairs ready to smack someone
My little brothers and I would hear the stampede up the stairs and look at each other as if to say a silent prayer, hoping it was me but also hoping it wasn't one of them.
The thing was, from this exchange, I was only learning to FEAR my mother, that immediate obedience meant yelling and "the windmill of doom" ( as my brothers and I would call it) of her hands slapping whatever she could on our bodies. Even at 15, I never thought Hey I should do X Y & Z because my family values teamwork and its important we take care of the house together. No, my brain thought, I better do exactly as my mother and stepfather say before I get hit.
But, on the flip side, I am sure my mother was frustrated, overwhelmed, irritated and possibly feeling defeated as she repeated herself over and over, repeating the cycle of shaming, guilting, blaming and hitting that was done to her, not having to tools or awareness to break the cycle.
So the question isn't HOW DO I GET MY CHILDREN TO LISTEN IMMEDIATELY?
The real question is HOW DO I MODEL AND TEACH MY CHILDREN THE VALUE OF TEAMWORK AND COOPERATION?
Proactive power - the key to answering "the question"
Here are some ways to begin to model and teach proactivity
transforming your demands into requests or even suggestions
I know....its crazy talk!! But modeling impulse control and how to request cooperation instead of demand compliance allows your child to have their NEEDS of autonomy and control met. Which means........they can say No. DUN DUN DUNNNN. Just because they say No doesn't mean they won't be cooperative. How you frame the request can be the first step in encouraging cooperation; always try to read the room to see if there might be things that stop your child from cooperating when you ask.
Examples: Hey love, when you are done with that show, would you mind picking up your toys in the room? It's really hard for Mommy to walk in there.
Wow, it's getting really late! Are you almost done building your legos so we can go brush your teeth? How many minutes do your need 2 or 3 minutes?
I noticed that your closet has been super cluttered lately, I'm sure its been hard to find the things you need. Is there a good time this weekend we can maybe put some music on and organize it together?
to teach teamwork, we must MODEL teamwork
This means : when they are babies, we quickly respond to their calls for help (whatever it may be) and we provide them with age appropriate opportunities to help us ( turning the light switch on/off, holding their toothbrush, putting a toy away)
when they are toddlers- we offer help from the beginning
when they are little kids, we guide them through identifying when they need help and model asking for help. We give them grace as they work through their problem solving frustrations and we welcome the opportunity to help them. We also accept offers of help when they want to assist us!
when they are big kids, we continue to be open and available as helpers in their lives, offering only when our children seem "stuck" and giving them the opportunity to ask
when they are teenagers, we invite them in collaborative discussions on our problems (appropriate ones of course) and have regular collaborative discussions with them on things they may be going through, as well as using "teamwork" as an opportunity to connect and have fun on a regular basis.
transform your relationship with the word NO and become a master at "softening" that word in our children and ourselves
If you find yourself giving your children a hard NO when they ask for things, you are modeling the hard NO, which means monkey see monkey do, your children will begin to give you hard NOs.
softening your hard NOs with options, collaboration and explanations.
No, we can't have a cookie right now but when you eat dinner we can have some cookies and milk! How does that sound?
Why? Because you could get all full from a cookie and not get all the vitamins from your dinner!
No it is too hot to go outside right now. Can you help me come up with some fun inside ideas? You always have such great ideas!
I don't think going out that late on a school night would be a good choice, making sure you prioritize sleep is a form of self care. If you come home too late, you might not get enough sleep and you may have a bad day tomorrow! After dinner, let's talk about maybe figuring something out for Friday night or this weekend?
providing validation when your NO is immovable, using redirection or HOPE to move forward
I hear you, it sucks when you can't have what you want right when you want it! Can you help me set the table so we can eat dinner sooner which means cookies afterwards!
I hear how upset you are about not going out with your friends tonight. Can you tell me more about that? Before bedtime we can practice how to cancel and reschedule plans with friends when we are not able to make it. How does that sound?
focus more on the YES behavior
How annoying would it be if we were told we were no longer able to do something at work, and instead of being encouraged and hyped up about the YES behavior, we were just constantly reminded about the thing we CAN'T do?? I like to call this giving energy to something. Give no to little energy on the NO behavior, and give lots of energy to the YES behavior.
Are there exceptions? YES
Conscious parenting does NOT mean we just let our children walk all over us. When you are holding a HARD boundary, because it's important to you, just make sure it is CLEAR, AGE APPROPRIATE and void of shame, blame and guilt.
SAFETY is 100% the exception ALL THE TIME.
If there are instances where we can explain and collaborate on the reasons behind a boundary and why its important to be safe, the fantastic!! We can even reflect as parents as how we can make certain situations safer in the future ( wearing a toddler leash, using a phone location tracker, etc)
But if your child is literally IN DANGER, autonomy and teamwork and whatever else goes out the window! Pull that little arm back onto the sidewalk, pick that little child up if they are about to touch a dangerous animal, grab their hand if that fork is about to go into the power outlet.
3 Step Power Struggle Diffuser
Ask for the thing
Make your request
Set your expectation
Lay down your boundary
YES BEHAVIOR
Judgement free reminder + consequence/ collaboration
Verbalize that you are noticing they are struggling to follow through
Offer collaboration (if applicable)
State consequence
Follow through
Verbalize that they STILL seem to be struggling
Follow through with consequence
Natural and Logical Consequences
Natural Consequence
A natural consequence is something that happens organically without parent intervention.
Logical Consequence
A logical consequence is a "punishment that matches the crime" except it isn't a punishment and there is no crime LOL. It is an age appropriate and relevant consequence based on your boundary, expectation and your child's behavior.
That was the easy part......
SO, now I ask you, what relationship do you have with emotions?
Because if your child is like mine they have BIG emotions, especially when I follow through with a consequence. But guess what, just like you can feel upset that your boss changed something at work, your child is allowed to be upset about your consequence!
The thing is, you have been on this Earth much longer that your precious beautiful spawn, so you have had much more practice and experience emotionally containing your reactions (or maybe you haven't!) They need your grace and guidance on how to navigate their feelings WHILE still needing your firm leadership with the expectations and boundaries.
When it comes to their emotions, repeat after me CONNECTION over CONTROL. Every child and parent is different, figure out what ways work for you and your child when you want to connect in the moment.