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Relationship Deposit:
Any interaction that results in a successful connection with another person
(connecting experiences)
Relationship Withdrawal:
Any interaction that results in a disconnection with another person
(disconnecting experiences)
Deposits
- (subtract) Withdrawals
= Strength of the relationship
Relationship Deposit:
Simply acknowledging another person
and saying a quick "hello" is a deposit
Relationship Withdrawal:
If one person says hello and the other person ignores the greeting and walks on, a relationship withdrawal has been made.
The more deposits that are made, the more each party feels a sense of belonging with each other. Two people may start off as strangers, but as they make deposits in their mutual relationship account, they become acquaintances, then friends, then possibly great friends.
Deposits and withdrawals come in a variety of forms, whether they are connecting or disconnecting experiences is in the eye of the receiver of the attempt to connect. For example, a genuine compliment can be a deposit, but a compliment that is perceived as inauthentic or manipulative will be a withdrawal.
Virtually every single interaction is either a deposit or withdrawal; few are completely neutral.
Small deposits are simple, brief interactions that tend to occur periodically throughout the day.
As the size of the deposits gets larger, the interactions take on a broader form and express qualities such as being helpful, responsive, reliable, or finding common ground with the other person.
Larger deposits aren't single actions.
They involve the demonstration of connection and character over time. The largest deposits, such as showing personal integrity, even have a protective effect against potential withdrawals.
For example, once a person establishes themselves as being a fundamentally good person, they are more likely to be given the benefit of the doubt by others even when they make what may otherwise be a withdrawal).
Withdrawals are typically the opposite of the deposits listed below.
For example, if a deposit is listening to another person recount as story,
a withdrawal would be failing to listen, or, worse, interrupting and changing the subject.
Smaller deposits
Simple recognition, such as saying "hello"
Showing basic respect and politeness
Being genuine
Listening
Showing interest through asking questions
Seeing the other person out
Noticing likeable qualities
Making expressions of gratitude, however small
Providing positive and support feedback
Providing support and assistance
Following guidance with advice
Following through with promises an commitments
Going beyond one's role
Developing common interests
Developing shared goals
Creating shared rituals and routines
Consistently demonstrating personal integrity
Larger deposits
Staff at Mountsfield make many deposits that result in successful connections with students.
However, educators are in a unique position in that they are required, as a necessary part of their role, to make regular withdrawals from the relationship accounts of students. Whether asking a student to stand quietly in line, provide feedback on an assignement, or ending an enjoyable activity in the gym, educators make withdrawals all the time. For some students, simply having to attend school, sit in class, and have virtually any demand placed on them is a significant withdrawal. In fact, the more that students struggle in school, the more likely they are to experiences school as simply a series of withdrawals in an already overdrawn emotional bank account.
Staff make withdrawals with care and intentionality to ensure that there are significantly more connecting deposits. A focus on relationship skills sets students up for success to connect with their peers and develop a sense of belonging with one another in the present and for success later in life. We want our students to feel a strong sense of belonging at school. The more connecting experiences we have, the more we feel that we ALL belong, and the more welcoming a place and space of learning Mountsfield will be.
*The idea of the "emotional bank account" was first popularized by Stephen Covey (2013) and researched further by John Gottman (2014) and his team. This simple formula concept turns out to be
an extraordinarily versatile way of explaining how relationships are created, strengthened and maintained.
Information shared is from The Third Path - A Relationship-Based Approach to Student Well-Being and Achievement
Written by Dr. David Tranter, Lori Carson and Tom Boland (2018)
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