I have tried for most of my life to do things in decency and in order. I will say, walking the line has been a headache at times. Trying to navigate a world where I walk by faith while also having to live in it is crazy. Finding a balance between setting clear boundaries, figuring out who I am in this space, and striving to be a good person is exhausting.

So, I give up on the idea that I can be all things to everyone. In 2024, I have cut off friends, some have cut me off, and most of it hurt. However, I think the difference now is that I understand the show will really go on. I’m grateful for the time I spent with everyone and for the time I get to spend with people in my new relationships.

1. Father, I am grateful for the stripping away.

2. Father, I am grateful for therapy.

3. Father, I am grateful for clarity.

4. Father, I am grateful for discernment.

5. Father, I am grateful for the wisdom to know what to do with this discernment

Lovelea Journals 

Every Season is a Season of Gratitude 31 Days of Gratitude to Transform Your Attitude—acknowledging the things you are believing God for and celebrating all He has already done. 

1. God, thank You for being You—unchanging, faithful, and good. 

2. God, thank You for this day—a gift and a chance to experience Your grace. 

3. God, thank You for my family and friends—blessings who enrich my life. 

4. God, thank You for all You have provided this year—every need You’ve met. 

5. God, thank You for writing a beautiful story for my life. I surrender to Your will, trusting Your perfect plan. In Jesus’ name, Amen. 

Lovelea Journals 

I cannot tell you how many times in my life I have walked away, told God no, and not accepted His hand by not talking to God. For the longest time, I felt like an afterthought. My interactions with people are exactly how I felt God was toward me in so many ways. It's so important for people to treat others well. I once heard, "Sometimes you are the only Bible someone will read." Being Godly is not me thinking I am God; it's me using what He has given me to act in a way that honors and glorifies Him.

Rejection is so real because it can have you thinking that because I was rejected for the job, the loan, the relationship, that is a reflection of how God feels about me. I am so confident that God has thought of me way more than I have thought of myself. The Bible says that He knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb. He thought of me even before that. Rejection will make you feel like it has the final say in how you think, feel, and move in life. I felt so much disappointment in my life, and I can tell you that feeling inadequate after rejection will make you think you are not worthy of being pursued. We have a Savior who is constantly pursuing you. It was in 2022 when the Father became relentless in pursuing me. I have felt so low and impoverished that I could not see straight. It felt like everyone around me had their hand out with nothing in it. I was a giver, always have been, and always will be. I felt like I was so unloved by others who could help but wouldn't help. I felt I was unloved by God because I was in a worse situation than when I was younger. I was ashamed and embarrassed, and I personally thought God was good to everyone but me. I remember in this season, the Father would have me pray for people and believe for dry places in their lives to begin to flow. Because He has given me the gift of faith, I would pray and believe it, and those things would happen, and I would witness a miracle. I would hear Him say, "Now believe it for yourself." I couldn't because up to that point, I had never seen Him move mightily in those areas, so I came into agreement with works—that I had to work for love and then He would bless me. I would accomplish more and more naturally and nothing. I would watch from the sidelines and cheer people on and just didn't think about my relationship with God in the area of promise keeping. My thoughts were, "You will have to wait," and wait is what I did. I remember hearing the Holy Spirit say, "Leandra is a free bird that refuses to fly out of the cage." I would cry because I did not know I could. I knew I wanted to, but I did not feel I could. Rejection will put you in such a poverty mindset that you won't be able to see your hand in front of your face; that's how cloudy it is.

I never felt like I was chosen for things, learning to hang my head down and get through things. But I know now that my Father in heaven does not just want me to survive; He wants me to thrive. Thrive in areas I could not have imagined. Toward the middle of 2022 is when things took off. I started to fight again. Your girl was beat down, but I must have found a Bronx spirit, a David spirit, a Peter spirit, a Jacob "I'm not going to stop until you bless me." I realized that Jesus didn't go and die for everyone but me. He died for us all. I wish I could say that in that moment I felt like it was all about Jesus, like it's all about what He wanted, and I was cool with that. All I remember doing was going with the flow, allowing the Father to take my hand and lead me. I did not see it then, but I see it so clearly now. You know in the movies when they have a flashback and realize what has happened? I'm having that moment writing this. He came after me when He told me no to certain things. He came after me when He told me to pray and believe for others; I believe He wanted to stir up my faith. He came after me all the times He whispered in my ear to flap my wings and begin to fly. He came after me when one day in January 2022, He told me to use the Word of God to shift my mindset. There were so many other things He could have done, but instead, He came for me. He came after me, and I cannot even begin to express my gratitude. I still struggle at times with the idea that Jesus wants someone like me, someone who can be double-minded at times, moody, and stubborn. This scripture means so much to me because I know I was that lamb that went astray, and the Master, the Good Shepherd, came looking for me. The Lord Himself came to see about me, and I am forever grateful.

My prayer: 

Father, Because of Jesus, I am learning to fly, and with Jesus, I will soar. Father, your grace is sufficient, and your love is unmatched. Thank you for being patient with me. Jesus, thank you for not thinking of me as a waste and for going after me every time, even when I pushed you away. Thank you for not giving up on me and showing me what real love means. Thank you for all you have done, are doing, and will do. Father, you lead, I follow; that's how this works. Keep me close to you and never let me go. Thank you for being a father that cares, that sees, that's on time, and one that never leaves one behind, even when He has the 99. Bless your name, Father. May my life bring you glory. In Jesus' name, amen. 

Matthew 18:13 

I cannot tell you how many times in my life I have walked away, told God no, and not accepted His hand by not talking to God. For the longest time, I felt like an afterthought. My interactions with people are exactly how I felt God was toward me in so many ways. It's so important for people to treat others well. I once heard, "Sometimes you are the only Bible someone will read." Being Godly is not me thinking I am God; it's me using what He has given me to act in a way that honors and glorifies Him.

Rejection is so real because it can have you thinking that because I was rejected for the job, the loan, the relationship, that is a reflection of how God feels about me. I am so confident that God has thought of me way more than I have thought of myself. The Bible says that He knew me before I was formed in my mother's womb. He thought of me even before that. Rejection will make you feel like it has the final say in how you think, feel, and move in life. I felt so much disappointment in my life, and I can tell you that feeling inadequate after rejection will make you think you are not worthy of being pursued. We have a Savior who is constantly pursuing you. It was in 2022 when the Father became relentless in pursuing me. I have felt so low and impoverished that I could not see straight. It felt like everyone around me had their hand out with nothing in it. I was a giver, always have been, and always will be. I felt like I was so unloved by others who could help but wouldn't help. I felt I was unloved by God because I was in a worse situation than when I was younger. I was ashamed and embarrassed, and I personally thought God was good to everyone but me. I remember in this season, the Father would have me pray for people and believe for dry places in their lives to begin to flow. Because He has given me the gift of faith, I would pray and believe it, and those things would happen, and I would witness a miracle. I would hear Him say, "Now believe it for yourself." I couldn't because up to that point, I had never seen Him move mightily in those areas, so I came into agreement with works—that I had to work for love and then He would bless me. I would accomplish more and more naturally and nothing. I would watch from the sidelines and cheer people on and just didn't think about my relationship with God in the area of promise keeping. My thoughts were, "You will have to wait," and wait is what I did. I remember hearing the Holy Spirit say, "Leandra is a free bird that refuses to fly out of the cage." I would cry because I did not know I could. I knew I wanted to, but I did not feel I could. Rejection will put you in such a poverty mindset that you won't be able to see your hand in front of your face; that's how cloudy it is.

I never felt like I was chosen for things, learning to hang my head down and get through things. But I know now that my Father in heaven does not just want me to survive; He wants me to thrive. Thrive in areas I could not have imagined. Toward the middle of 2022 is when things took off. I started to fight again. Your girl was beat down, but I must have found a Bronx spirit, a David spirit, a Peter spirit, a Jacob "I'm not going to stop until you bless me." I realized that Jesus didn't go and die for everyone but me. He died for us all. I wish I could say that in that moment I felt like it was all about Jesus, like it's all about what He wanted, and I was cool with that. All I remember doing was going with the flow, allowing the Father to take my hand and lead me. I did not see it then, but I see it so clearly now. You know in the movies when they have a flashback and realize what has happened? I'm having that moment writing this. He came after me when He told me no to certain things. He came after me when He told me to pray and believe for others; I believe He wanted to stir up my faith. He came after me all the times He whispered in my ear to flap my wings and begin to fly. He came after me when one day in January 2022, He told me to use the Word of God to shift my mindset. There were so many other things He could have done, but instead, He came for me. He came after me, and I cannot even begin to express my gratitude. I still struggle at times with the idea that Jesus wants someone like me, someone who can be double-minded at times, moody, and stubborn. This scripture means so much to me because I know I was that lamb that went astray, and the Master, the Good Shepherd, came looking for me. The Lord Himself came to see about me, and I am forever grateful.

My prayer: 

Father, Because of Jesus, I am learning to fly, and with Jesus, I will soar. Father, your grace is sufficient, and your love is unmatched. Thank you for being patient with me. Jesus, thank you for not thinking of me as a waste and for going after me every time, even when I pushed you away. Thank you for not giving up on me and showing me what real love means. Thank you for all you have done, are doing, and will do. Father, you lead, I follow; that's how this works. Keep me close to you and never let me go. Thank you for being a father that cares, that sees, that's on time, and one that never leaves one behind, even when He has the 99. Bless your name, Father. May my life bring you glory. In Jesus' name, amen. 

Matthew 18:13 

As I reflect on my upbringing, I recall the presence of remarkable women within the church community. They held a unique role as the "mothers" of the church, commanding respect and offering their dedicated service. Each week, I would observe these women, dressed in pristine white attire, tirelessly ensuring that people were comfortably seated and catering to the pastor and his wife. I must admit, I never quite understood why the pastor couldn't fetch his own beverage, but that's a discussion I'd rather not delve into at this moment. 

We held immense respect for these women, but we didn't fully appreciate their service to the extent that we wanted to step into their hosting role. To be honest, as I contemplated this, I began to feel sorry for them in some ways. They often seemed like an afterthought, and it appeared that no one cared about their hopes and dreams, or even bothered to inquire about them. For a long time, my greatest fear was becoming that forgotten person. I felt invisible for a significant portion of my life. People often say that God will hide you, and based on my research and experiences, I can confirm that God is a master at hide and seek. What I mean is, how can someone be everywhere yet go unnoticed? (We'll revisit this later.) 

One of my most cherished dreams is to build my own family. I assure you, if it were within my power, I would already be married with four children, but I recognize the importance of God's timing. I struggle with waiting, and occasionally, doubt creeps in. While I've become more patient over the past decade, I am still impatient with the process. Loneliness is not my calling; I wish I could confidently declare, "I am alone but not lonely," but that would be a falsehood. While not every day is marked by pervasive loneliness, when those moments hit, they hit hard. And to be completely honest, this season has been particularly challenging. 

I trust that God has scripted an extraordinary story where all of this will eventually make sense. However, the void I feel, the absence of a promise yet unfulfilled, occasionally rekindles that sense of invisibility. Attending more small group meetings or spending time with friends won't fill this void. Adding to my frustration are the numerous messages about community and friendship. As the year comes to a close, I can't deny feeling disappointed. Everything within me logically whispers, "Give up; it's not happening this year." The truth is, I don't know when it will happen, but I do know that I won't give up on the belief in the Father's promise. 

I've never experienced what it's like to be in love or to have a family of my own. Complaining won't change that, but I want it, and I need it. It's sometimes disheartening when married women dismiss the significance of marriage, implying that my desire for it overshadows my love for God. Give me a break! I understand that serving God by serving His people is a privilege. However, the longer I wait, the more I empathize with those ushers who served diligently, with their hopes and dreams seemingly overlooked, valued only for what they could do for the church. This isn't meant as criticism; my intention is to highlight the need for sensitivity and grace towards single women. 

Recently, God appointed me as a coordinator, overseeing the usher/hosting team. It's almost comical how out of the blue this role seems. I know God has a unique sense of humor. By placing me in this position, He's making a statement. He's healing me from the notion of being forgotten. I'm trusting His process to the best of my ability. I may not be the kind of Christian who is free from worries or questions about the duration of my wait for His promises, but I'm committed to never giving up on God. My desire for a connection with the Father will always remain, for I know that even when no one else sees me, He does. 

My prayer: Father God, you are gracious, powerful, and almighty. I am grateful for the time you have granted me. I am thankful for the closeness and your grace, even when I am clouded and experience moments of doubt. Thank you for your forgiveness and patience, dear Father.

Father, this journey of singleness is not easy; we are not all like Paul. Father, you did not place this desire in our hearts without reason. I desire what you desire, and I will receive what you have in store for me, Father. I am careful not to pray for patience because I understand your testing ways. Instead, I ask for clarity regarding the situations in my life. Father, send a sign, a message, and, above all, send the man you have chosen for me when it aligns with the fullness of your will.

Father, I am grateful for this kingdom marriage that will bring glory to your name. Thank you for carving out the perfect moment in history for our union. I appreciate your grace towards me and for giving me grace for him. I also thank you for the restoration of my family. I ask for the ability to maintain grace and compassion towards other single people even after I am married, encouraging them to believe that you connect people not based on looks or stature, but for the purpose of destiny.

I acknowledge that I do not have all the answers, but I know that you do. Thank you for sheltering me, for I understand that during the hidden seasons, there was growth and protection. Now, Father, I am not making these requests solely for myself, but on behalf of all your single children who are believing for marriage. Father, may your will be done. Bless your name, O God, for you are a great and wonderful Father. I am delighted to call you my Father. I am grateful for Jesus and thank you for your Holy Spirit. If I haven't told you today, I love you. I love you, Father, more than anyone or anything. Bless your name, and thank you. I thank God for God, in Jesus' name, amen.

You know, whenever you tell Father God that you are committed to something, you will get plenty of opportunities to act on it. My focus was on instant forgiveness. I am at the point where I don't want to hold onto anything that will be the "cancer" to my joy.

Recently, someone spoke to me rudely, as if they were my supervisor and I was his subordinate. Let me be clear: No supervisor should speak to their team rudely; ethically, it's not right, and good supervisors don't have to be rude or micromanage. Great supervisors coach with feedback that encourages growth. But that's a lesson for another school day.

I am many things. Most days, I am as sweet as sweet potato pie, sensitive, and in tune with my emotions. But on all days when needed, I am direct. Business is business. It’s a little more delicate in my line of work because my business is social and people-driven. Hearing someone tell you something about yourself that you know is not true is hurtful and puts you in a defensive mood. My whole life, I've felt like I've had to constantly defend who I am and what I am not. Surely there are times when people will say things to get a response from me. Most times, I ignore it and move on with my day. Then, while washing dishes or folding clothes, I start to think back to what they have said. I become engrossed with the idea of what I should have snapped back and said. You know, "when they said this, I should have said that." The truth is, I've never been very witty; I don't have strong comebacks or snaps as people in my family would say. I just know how to be me. I am very much a person who will not start drama or a fight, and if you caught me before I truly picked up my cross to follow Christ, I would have told you, "I may not start it, but I will finish it." I am unsure about many things, but what I am most sure of is that I am completely committed to walking this path and allowing God to lead me. Listening to this person talk to me about what I perceived in the moment as nonsense, I took a step back to understand what they were saying. I wish I could tell you I heard them out, they made perfect sense, I apologized, and we moved on. When it was said and done, I still thought that this person had a "personal problem."

My initial reaction was to phone a friend and tell them about this interaction. Lately, I keep saying, "My response is different." I heard that from a lady named Mia who has this incredible story of faith, where she believed, prayed, and received her God-ordained spouse. This is definitely a good listen; I'll put the link below. Because my response is different, I wanted to pray for him. I have this rule where I won't pray for someone if I don't mean it. So, I decided to wait until my heart posture was right.

Sometimes it's hard to empathize with a person who has annoyed you. Trust me, I've been there plenty of times. But the Bible says in Ephesians 6:12, "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." This person is not my enemy, and what they are going through is not on me, this time. Sometimes offense comes in when we don't respect or appreciate something or someone. What I know is that this love walk of instant forgiveness is not easy, but once I am committed to something, I am all in.

My prayer: Father God, I thank you, thank you for this day, thank you for forgiveness, and thank you for your mercy. Father, I ask that you forgive me for all my sins and help me realize when I am not walking in the way you want me to. Father, forgive me for not humbling myself instantly to pray and forgive in the same way I desire you to forgive me. Father, help everyone who supervises people, give them the courage to do what's right for the team, and guide those who work for them. Father, I ask that you touch every working person in general, including those working through anxiety driven by supervisors or unwritten policies that make it difficult to perform their jobs. Father, grant people peace as they navigate the unknown and often traumatic working conditions.

Father, I ask that you speak to the hearts of the CEOs, board members, administration, and management right now. Companies are built on people, and without people, there is no company. Father, I ask that those who are seeking employment find a God-opened door that no one can close. Father, I pray for abundance and blessings that exceed all expectations.

Father, I ask that we all lead people in the way that Christ led us, with care and compassion. Lord Jesus, if I haven't said it yet, I love you, and I am grateful for what you did. I am happy to know you. Father, touch the person I wrote about in a special way, allowing them to see you for who you are. Father, guide them and pour out your blessings according to your will. I ask for protection for their family, safe travels, peace, and abundance, all according to your riches and glory. In Jesus' mighty name, I pray. Amen., grant people peace as they navigate the unknown and often traumatic working conditions.

Father, I ask that you speak to the hearts of the CEOs, board members, administration, and management right now. Companies are built on people, and without people, there is no company. Father, I ask that those who are seeking employment find a God-opened door that no one can close. Father, I pray for abundance and blessings that exceed all expectations.

Father, I ask that we all lead people in the way that Christ led us, with care and compassion. Lord Jesus, if I haven't said it yet, I love you, and I am grateful for what you did. I am happy to know you. Father, touch the person I wrote about in a special way, allowing them to see you for who you are. Father, guide them and pour out your blessings according to your will. I ask for protection for their family, safe travels, peace, and abundance, all according to your riches and glory. In Jesus' mighty name, I pray. Amen.

In my journey, there have been several times when I prayed and felt stuck. I would feel like I needed something or someone new, yet felt no joy or peace about it. Before I moved from North Carolina, one of the instructions was to chase joy – focusing on Jesus, others/outreach, and enjoying myself. Last year, it shifted from being all about Jesus, to serving others, to enjoying myself, and eventually crashing and burning. I'm wounded once again. Balancing this Christian walk is a challenge. I'm a dedicated giver and very committed. Once I'm in, I'm all in. However, it's scary to give so much without receiving anything back. Don't get me wrong, I'm not always giving to get something in return, but there have been many scenarios where I've felt used and had to guard my heart. Externally, I appear tough, but internally, I crave genuine community. I'm honest in admitting that I long for people who love the way I love, or even better. Sometimes, I doubt if I'll find that outside my family and close friends due to trust issues stemming from past experiences. I'm not sure why I feel led to journal in this manner. I've kept a journal since I was a kid and never thought once, let me share it on the internet. As a counselor, I encourage clients to journal as well. It's one of the most therapeutic and cost-effective activities. I often say, journal as if no one will read it. My hope is that through this, God will receive glory and someone other than myself will be encouraged. I also hope to find balance and continue choosing joy.

My prayer: Father, please forgive me for all my known and unknown sins. Perform heart surgery on me and give me a clean heart. Fill me once again and help me recognize you in all I do. Guide me away from selfishness and open my eyes to the fact that people need prayer, regardless of appearances. Lead me where you want me to be. Thank you for protecting your people, for your grace, and for your love. Show me the areas I need to work on and the people I need to intercede for. Teach me how to truly intercede. I'm grateful you haven't given up on me, for your Holy Spirit, and for Jesus' actions many years ago. I'm thankful for who you are. As I continue this journey, please hold my hand and keep me close, in Jesus' name, amen.